Corny One for Friday

[Orior]

A man was at the country club for his weekly round of golf. He began his round with an eagle on the first hole and a birdie on the second. On the third hole he had just scored his first ever hole-in-one when his cell phone rang.

It was a doctor notifying him that his wife had just been in a terrible accident and was in critical condition and in the intensive care unit (ICU).

The man told the doctor to inform his wife where he was and that the he'd be there as soon as possible. As he hung up he realized he was leaving what was shaping up to be his best ever round of golf. He decided to get in a couple of more holes before heading to the hospital. He ended up playing all eighteen, finishing his round shooting a personal best 61, shattering the club record by five strokes and beating his previous best game by more than 10. He was jubilant....Then he remembered his wife.

Feeling guilty he dashed to the hospital. He saw the doctor in the corridor and asked about his wife's condition.

The doctor glared at him and shouted, "You went ahead and finished Your round of golf didn't you!

"I hope you're proud of yourself! While you were out for the past four hours enjoying yourself at the country club your wife has been languishing in the ICU! It's just as well you went ahead and finished that round because it will be more than likely your last!" "For the rest of her life she will require 'round the clock care. And you'll be her care giver!"

The man was feeling so guilty he broke down and sobbed, the doctor snickered and said, "Just messing with you. She's dead. What'd you shoot?

[ExiledGael]

After the cricketing collapse at the world cup the Pakistani's have a new national sport,
Bobslaying

[Orior]

After the cricketing collapse at the world cup the Pakistani's have a new national sport,
Bobslaying

No scroll bar chief?

[Fionntamhnach]

What's the difference between a Scottish farmer and Mick Jagger?

One says "Hey, you, get off of my cloud" while the other says "Hey, McLeod, get off of my ewe"!

[Hardy]

Why do Scotsmen wear kilts?
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Because sheep know the sound of zips.

[Orior]

Husband and wife in bed together.


 


She feels his hand rubbing her shoulder.






She:  "Oh, that feels good."






His hand moves to her breast.






She: "Gee, honey, that feels wonderful."






His hand moves to her leg.






She: "Oh, honey, don't stop."




But he stops.






She:  "Why did you stop?"






He: "I found the remote."

[The Real Laoislad]

A dustman is going along a street picking up the wheely bins and emptying
them into his dustcart lorry. He gets to one house where the bin hasn't
been left out so he has a quick look for it, goes round the back but still
can't see it so he knocks on the door.

There's no answer so he knocks again.

Eventually a Chinese bloke answers... "Harro", says the Chineseman.

"Alright mate, where's your bin?" asks the dustman

"I bin on toilet" replies the Chinese bloke, looking perplexed.

Realising the Chinese fellow has misunderstood, the binman smiles and says
"No mate, where's ya dust bin?"

"I dust bin on toilet I told you" says the Chinese man.

"Mate" says the dustman... "you're misunderstanding me...where's your Wheely
Bin?"

"OK" "OK" , the chinaman says, "I wheely bin having w**k."

[illdecide]

Woman in Asda notices a young assistant, he has such a cute ass that it makes her randy!. She asks him to carry her shopping to her car. On the way to the car she can't hold back any more and says "I've got an itchy pussy". He says "you'll have to point it out love, all these f**king Japanese cars look the same to me.

[Hardy]

Wife is geting on to husband to cut the grass. "It's up to the feckin window sill", she says.

"I don't give a toss", he says. "Let the bloke downstairs cut it".

[ziggysego]

An airline captain was breaking in a very pretty new blonde stewardess. The route they were flying had a stay-over in another city, so upon their arrival, the captain showed the stewardess the best place for airline personnel to eat, shop and stay overnight.

The next morning as the pilot was preparing the crew for the day's route, he noticed the new stewardess was missing. He knew which room she was in at the hotel and called her up wondering what happened to her. She answered the phone, sobbing, and said she couldn't get out of her room.

"You can't get out of your room?" the captain asked, "Why not?" The stewardess replied: "There are only three doors in here," she cried, "one is the bathroom, one is the closet, and one has a sign on it that says 'Do Not Disturb'!"

===================================================================================

A ten year old boy was failing math. His parents tried everything from tutors to hypnosis, but to no avail. Finally, at the insistence of a family friend, they decided to enroll their son in a private Catholic school.

After the first day, the boy's parents were surprised when he walked in after school with a stern, focused and very determined expression on his face, and went right past them straight to his room, where he quietly closed the door.

For nearly two hours he toiled away in his room - with math books strewn about his desk and the surrounding floor. He emerged long enough to eat, and after quickly cleaning his plate, went straight back to his room, closed the door, and worked feverishly at his studies until bedtime. This pattern continued ceaselessly until it was time for the first quarter report card.

The boy walked in with his report card -- unopened -- laid it on the dinner table and went straight to his room. Cautiously, his mother opened it, and to her amazement, she saw a bright red "A" under the subject of MATH. Overjoyed, she and her husband rushed into their son's room, thrilled at his remarkable progress.

"Was it the nuns that did it?", the father asked. The boy only shook his head and said, "No."

"Was it the one-on-one tutoring? The peer-mentoring?"

"No."

"The textbooks? The teachers? The curriculum?"

"Nope," said the son. "On that first day, when I walked in the front door and saw that guy they nailed to the 'plus sign,' I just knew they meant business!"

===================================================================================

The bartender was washing his glasses, and an elderly Irishman came in and, with great difficulty, hoisted his bad leg over the barstool, pulled himself up painfully, and asked for a sip of Irish whiskey.

The Irishman looked down the bar and said, "Is that Jesus down there?" The bartender nodded, and the Irishman told him to give Jesus an Irish whiskey also.

The next patron was an ailing Italian with a hunched back and slowness of movement. He shuffled up to the barstool and asked for a glass of Chianti. He also looked down the bar and asked if that was Jesus sitting down there. The bartender nodded, and the Italian said to give Him a glass of Chianti, also.

The third patron, a redneck, swaggered in dragging his knuckles on the floor and hollered, "Barkeep, set me up a cold one. Hey, is that God's Boy down there?" The barkeep nodded, and the redneck told him give Jesus a cold one, too.

As Jesus got up to leave, he walked over to the Irishman and touched him and said, "For your kindness, you are healed!" The Irishman felt the strength come back to his leg, and he got up and danced a jig out the door.

Jesus touched the Italian and said, "For your kindness, you are healed!" The Italian felt his back straighten, and he raised his hands above his head and did a flip out the door.

Jesus walked toward the redneck, and the redneck jumped back and exclaimed, "Don't touch me! I'm drawing disability!"

===================================================================================

Real-life funny place names

1. Shafter (California, USA)
2. Beaver (Oklahoma, USA)
3. Shitlingthorpe (Yorkshire, UK)
4. Bastard (Norway)
5. Twatt (Orkney, UK)
6. Arsoli (Lazio, Italy)
7. Muff (Donegal, Ireland)
8. Wankie (Zimbabwe)
9. Climax (Colorado, USA)
10. Nobber (Donegal, Ireland)
11. Lickey End (West Midlands, UK)
12. Fukum (Yemen)
13. Lord Berkeley's Knob (Sutherland, Scotland)
14. Dildo (Newfoundland, Canada)
15. Turdo (Romania)
16. Dongo (Congo - Democratic Republic)
17. Seymen (Turkey)
18. Dong Rack (Thailand-Cambodia border)
19. Intercourse (Pennsylvania, USA)
20. Brown Willy (Cornwall,UK)
21. w**ks River (Nicaragua)
22. Wankendorf (Schleswig-Holstein, Germany)
23. Fuku (Shensi, China)
24. Beaver Head (Idaho, USA)
25. Fukui (Honshu, Japan)
26. Shag Island (Indian Ocean)
27. Fukue (Honshu, Japan)
28. Middle Intercourse Island (Australia)
29. Wankie Colliery (Zimbabwe)
30. Chinaman's Knob (Australia)
31. Wet Beaver Creek (Australia)
32. Tittybong (Australia)
33. Pis Pis River (Nicaragua)
34. Dikshit (India)
35. Wankener (India)
36. Sexmoan (Luzon, Philippines)

[Hardy]

It is proven that the celebration of birthdays is healthy. Statistics show that those people who celebrate the most birthdays live longest. -- S. den Hartog, Ph D. Thesis Universtity of Groningen.

[Hardy]

INDUHVIDUAL QUOTES
==================

Thanks to the observant readers of the Dilbert Newsletter, here are more True Quotes from the people who put the duh in Induhvidual:

"Do you think I've been sitting here twiddling my arse?"

"At no time do I ever condone you making changes to improve things in the
office."

"Snakes on a Plane - what's that about?"

"Go jump off a lake."

"He's not the sharpest canister in the ocean."

"Keep a stiff upper chin."

"The squeaky wheel gets the spoke."

"I can lead you to horsewater, but I can't make you drink."

"He'd give you the arm off his back."

Announcement in store: "We have a customer by the balls in toys needing
assistance." (It repeats.)

"You play ball with me, and I'll scratch yours."

"It's half of one, six dozen of another..."

"We do not have a smoking cow at this point."

"Is there 264 days in the year? Or is it 265?"

"My daughter is as smart as a tack."

"I've got a higher IQ than your little pinky finger."

"If Dad were here right now, he'd be rolling over in his grave."

"Well, it may be the wrong tool for the job, but it is the right tool for the
business."

"It's our golden goose. We better figure out how to make her purr."

[ziggysego]

A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands.

On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."

"What?" said the puzzled groom.

"How can that be if you've been married ten times?"

"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative: he kept telling me how great it was going to be.

Husband #2 was in software services: he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.

Husband #3 was from field services: he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.

Husband #4 was in telemarketing: even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.

Husband #5 was an engineer: he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.

Husband #6 was from finance and administration: he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.

Husband #7 was in marketing: although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.

Husband #8 was a psychologist: all he ever did was talk about it.

Husband #9 was a gynecologist: all he did was look at it.

Husband #10 was a stamp collector: all he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"

"Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"

"You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"

[Lecale2]

That's poor Ziggyo, even for you.

[Orior]

I fancy myself as a stamp collector too.