Corny One for Friday

[SidelineKick]

'If women are so perfect at multitasking , how come they can't have a headache  and sex at the same time?'

They can. I would say its more to do with the discomfort of not feeling well and having to do something you're not really in the mood for.

[Orior]

My wife just found out that she was adopted.

She was devastated and kept asking "Why didnt they tell me".

I took her in my arms and comforted her. After a while she kissed me and asked me to make love to her.

In hindsight, taking her passionately from behind and shouting "WHO'S THE DADDY?" wasn't the best idea.

[Larry Duff]

First-year students at Vet school were receiving their first anatomy class, with a real dead cow.

They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet.

The professor started the class by telling them, 'In Veterinary Medicine it is necessary to have two important qualities as a veterinarian: The first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving the animal body.'

For an example, the Professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the anus of the dead cow, withdrew it and stuck his finger in his mouth.

'Go ahead and do the same thing,' he told his students. The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes, but eventually took turns sticking a finger in the anal opening of the dead cow and sucking on it.

When everyone finished, the Professor looked at them and said, 'The second most important quality is observation.

I stuck in my middle finger and sucked on my index finger.'

'Now learn to pay attention. Life's tough, it's even tougher if you're stupid.'

[High Wide and Handsome]

My wife just found out that she was adopted.

She was devastated and kept asking "Why didnt they tell me".

I took her in my arms and comforted her. After a while she kissed me and asked me to make love to her.

In hindsight, taking her passionately from behind and shouting "WHO'S THE DADDY?" wasn't the best idea.

nice 1 orior. bout a solid 8.7/10 

[longrunsthefox]

At Sunday church the local Vicar explains that he must move on to a
larger congregation that will pay him more.  There is a hush within
the congregation. No one wants him to leave because he is so popular.

Fred Smith, who owns several car dealerships in the south-east stands
up and proclaims:

'If the Vicar stays, I will provide him with a new Honda Civic every
year and a people carrier for his wife to transport their children!'

The congregation sighs in appreciation and applauds.

Sam Brown, a successful entrepreneur and publican, stands and says, if
the Vicar will stay on here, I'll personally double his salary and

establish a foundation to guarantee private secondary school education
of his children!'

More sighs and loud applause.

Agnes Jones, age 88, stands and announces with a smile, 'If the Vicar
stays, I will give him sex.'

There is total silence.

The Preacher, blushing, asks her:
'Mrs. Jones, you're a wonderful and holy lady, whatever possessed you
to say that?'

Agnes's 90-year old husband, Joe, is now trying to hide, holding his
forehead with the palm of his hand and shaking his head from side to
side, while his wife replies:
'Well, I just asked my husband how we could help, and he said, 'F*** him'.

[omagh_gael]

What do you call half a haemoroid?

Not a whole pile! 

[Harold Disgracey]

"Doctor, would you please kiss me" says the patient.
"No, you are a very beautiful woman, but it's against my code of ethics" replies her doctor.
"Please, just one kiss" she pleads.
"Sorry" says the doctor "it's totally out of the question. In all honesty you shouldn't even be sucking my c**k".

[longrunsthefox]

What's the difference between a vitamin and  a hormone?
You can't hear  a vitamin 

[omagh_gael]

Why did the leprechaun wear two condoms?

To be sure, to be sure!

[illdecide]

Folks i know this has done the rounds b4 but there is not much about at the min so this will have to do...

Liverpool Hurricane Appeal


A major hurricane (Hurricane Shazza) and earthquake measuring 5.8 on the Richter Scale hit Liverpool in the early hours of Friday with its epicentre in Abercromby. Victims were seen wandering around aimlessly, muttering "Faaackinell". The hurricane decimated the area causing approximately £30 worth of damage.
Several priceless collections of mementos from Majorca and the Costa Del Sol were damaged beyond repair. Three areas of historic burnt out cars were disturbed. Many locals were woken well before their giros arrived. Skate FM reported that hundreds of residents were confused and bewildered and were still trying to come to terms with the fact that something interesting had happened in Paulsgrove.

One resident - Tracy Sharon Smith, a 15-year-old mother of 5 said, "It was such a shock, my little Chardonnay-Mercedes came running into my bedroom crying. My youngest two, Tyler-Morgan and Victoria-Storm slept through it all. I was still shaking when I was skinning up and watching Trisha the next morning."

Apparently looting, muggings and car crime were unaffected and carried on as normal.

The British Red Cross has so far managed to ship 4,000 crates of Lambrini to the area to help the stricken locals. Rescue workers are still searching through the rubble and have found large quantities of personal belongings, including benefit books, jewellery from Elizabeth Duke at Argos and Bone China from Poundland.

HOW CAN YOU HELP?

This appeal is to raise money for food and clothing parcels for those unfortunate enough to be caught up in this disaster. Clothing is most sought after - items most needed include:
Fila or Burberry baseball caps
Kappa tracksuit tops (his and hers)
Shell suits (female)
White sport socks
Rockport boots
Any other items usually sold in Primark.

Food parcels may be harder to come by, but are needed all the same. Required foodstuffs include:
Microwave meals
Tins of baked beans
Ice cream
Cans of Colt 45 or Special Brew.

22p buys a biro for filling in the compensation forms.
£2 buys chips, crisps and blue fizzy drinks for a family of 9.
£5 buys B&H and a lighter to calm the nerves of those affected.

**Breaking news**

Rescue workers found a girl in the rubble smothered in raspberry alco-pop. 'Where are you bleeding from?' they asked, "Abercromby" said the girl, "woss that gotta do wiv you?

Please don't forward this to anyone living in Liverpool -
oh, sod it, they won't be able to read it, anyway.

[illdecide]

Flight 4293



      After a British Airways flight reached its cruising altitude,
the captain announced:
      'Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain. Welcome to Flight
4293, non-stop from London Heathrow to Toronto. The weather ahead is
good so we should have a smooth, uneventful flight. So sit back, relax
and ... OH MY GOD!'

      Silence followed!

      Some moments later the captain came back on the intercom.
      'Ladies and gentlemen, I'm sorry if I scared you. While I was
talking to you, a flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot
coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my trousers!'

      One Irish passenger yelled,

      'be Jaysus you should see the back of mine!'

[Billys Boots]

An American tourist in London decided to skip his tour group and explore the city on his own. 
He wandered around, seeing the sights, occasionally stopping at a quaint pub to soak up the local culture, chat with the locals and sample the real ale.

After a while, he found himself in a very nice neighbourhood with big, stately residences...no pubs, no stores, no restaurants, but, worst of all NO PUBLIC TOILETS.

He really, really had to go after all those real ales. 
He eventually found a narrow side street, with high walls surrounding the adjacent buildings and decided to use the wall to solve his problem.

As he was unzipping, he was tapped on the shoulder by a London bobby who said, "I'm sorry, sir, you simply cannot do that here."

"I'm very sorry, officer," replied the American, "but I really, really have to go, and I just can't find a public toilet."

"Ah, yes," said the policeman..."Just follow me". 
He led the American to a back-alley delivery gate, which he opened.

"In there," said the bobby "go ahead sir, anywhere you like."

The American entered to find himself in the most beautiful garden he had ever seen. 
Manicured lawns, statues, fountains, sculptured hedges and huge beds of gorgeous flowers, all in perfect bloom.

As he had the bobby's blessing, he relieved himself and felt much more comfortable. 
As he went back through the gate, he said to the bobby, "That was really decent of you ... Is that what you call English hospitality?"

"No sir...", replied the bobby, "that's what we call the French Embassy."

[Bud Wiser]

A friend of mine was in the A&E in Tallaght Hospital yesterday, arrived there at 12.45pm and had still not seen a doctor at 8.45pm.  Anyway, two prison warders came in and they had a prisioner who was in bad shape and to add to his problems he had only one leg.  After a good while a black doctor came over to yer man and he sez, "How are you" to which the prisioner fella grunted some reply that my friend did not catch.  Then doctor says, "have you ever been in hospital before ?" and yer man sez, "What kind of a fookin eejit are you, do you think I amputated my leg myself at home in the fooking kitchen?"

[Onion Bag]

 

[5 Sams]

A Welshman was washed up on a beach after a terrible shipwreck. Only a sheep and a sheepdog were washed up with him.

After looking around, he realised that they were stranded on a deserted island.

After being there a while, he got into the habit of taking his two animal companions to the beach every evening to watch the sun set.

One particular evening, the sky was a fiery red with beautiful cirrus clouds, the breeze was warm and gentle - a perfect night for romance.

As they sat there, the sheep started looking better and better to the lonely Taff. Soon, he leaned over to the sheep and put his arm around it.

But the sheepdog, ever protective of the sheep, growled fiercely until the man took his arm from around the sheep.

After that, the three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets together, but there was no more cuddling.

A few weeks passed by and, lo and behold, there was another shipwreck. The only survivor was a beautiful young woman, the most beautiful woman the man had ever seen. She was in a pretty bad way when he rescued her and he slowly nursed her back to health.

When the young maiden was well enough, he introduced her to their evening beach ritual. It was another beautiful evening red sky, cirrus clouds, a warm and gentle breeze - perfect for a night of romance.

Pretty soon,  Taff started to get "those feelings" again. He fought the urges as long as he could, but he finally gave in and leaned over to the young woman, cautiously, and whispered in her ear..




















"You wouldn't mind takin that fcukin dog for a walk would ye??."