Corny One for Friday

[naka]

susan boyle has been helping the war on terror
now suicide bombers know what a virgin looks like

[Diet Coke]

Joe & John are twins who live in the same town. Joe owns a wreck of a boat which happened to sink the same day that John's wife passed away.

A few weeks later a kindly old woman saw Joe and mistook him for John...."I'm very sorry for your loss" she says.

"Thakyou" says Joe " but I'm sorta glad to be rid of her, she was a rotten oul thing anyway, her bottom was all shrivelled

up and she smelt of dead fish, she had a bad crack in the back & and a pretty big one in the front too, she was bulging out

everywhere in her old age. Everytime I used her she leaked & dribbled and her oul hole got bigger.

I think what really finished her off was when I rented her out to 4 young lads out for a good time. The fools tried to get in

her all at the same time and split her right up the middle!!"

[the real slim shady]

Actual exchanges between pilots and control tower

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

An oldie doing the rounds again but for those missed this.


Tower: "Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o'clock, 6 miles!"

Delta 351: "Give us another hint! We have digital watches!"


Tower: "TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 Degrees."
TWA 2341: "Center, we are at 35,000 feet.. How much noise can we make up here?"

Tower: "Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?"


From an unknown aircraft waiting in a very long takeoff queue: "I'm f...ing bored!"
Ground Traffic Control: "Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself immediately!"
Unknown aircraft: "I said I was f...ing bored, not f...ing stupid!"




O'Hare Approach Control to a 747: "United 329 heavy, your traffic is a Fokker, one o'clock, three miles, Eastbound."

United 329: "Approach, I've always wanted to say this...I've got the little Fokker in sight."


A student became lost during a solo cross-country flight. While attempting to locate the aircraft on radar, ATC asked, "What was your last known position?"

Student: "When I was number one for takeoff."



A DC-10 had come in a little hot and thus had an exceedingly long roll out after touching down.

San Jose Tower Noted: "American 751, make a hard right turn at the end of the runway, if you are able.. If you are not able, take the Guadalupe exit off Highway 101, make a right at the lights and return to the airport."



A Pan Am 727 flight, waiting for start clearance in Munich , overheard the following:

Lufthansa (in German): "Ground, what is our start clearance time?"
Ground (in English): "If you want an answer you must speak in English."
Lufthansa (in English): "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in Germany . Why must I speak English?"

Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British accent): "Because you lost the bloody war!"



Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on frequency 124.7"
Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure. By the way,after we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway."
Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff behind Eastern 702, contact Departure on frequency 124.7. Did you copy that report from Eastern 702?"

Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, roger; and yes, we copied Eastern. We've already notified our caterers."



One day the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold short of the active runway while a DC-8 landed. The DC-8 landed, rolled out, turned around, and taxied back past the Cherokee. Some quick-witted comedian in the DC-8 crew got on the radio and said, "What a cute little plane. Did you make it all by yourself?"

The Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came back with a real zinger: "I made it out of DC-8 parts. Another landing like yours and I'll have enough parts for another one."



The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one's gate parking location, but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747, call sign Speedbird 206.
Speedbird 206: " Frankfurt , Speedbird 206! Clear of active runway."
Ground: "Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven."
The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.

Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"
Speedbird 206: "Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location now."
Ground (with quite arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206, have you not been to Frankfurt before?"

Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark -- and I didn't land."



While taxiing at London 's Airport, the crew of a US Air flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727..
An irate female ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew, screaming: "US Air 2771, where the hell are you going? I told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I know it's difficult for you to tell the difference between C and D, but get it right!"
Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically: "God! Now you've screwed everything up! It'll take forever to sort this out! You stay right there and don't move till I tell you to! You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour, and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you! You got that, US Air 2771?"

"Yes, ma'am," the humbled crew responded.

Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell terribly silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to chance engaging the irate ground controller in her current state of mind. Tension in every cockpit out around Gatwick was definitely running high. Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his microphone, asking:

"Wasn't I married to you once?"

[illdecide]

Man: Haven't I seen you someplace before?
Woman: Yes, that's why I don't go there anymore.
Man: Really, I heard its because everyone there calls you a fat slut.

Man: Is this seat empty?
Woman: Yes, and this one will be if you sit down.
Man: There's no need to get on your knees and suck me off just yet.

Man: Your place or mine?
Woman: Both, you go to yours, and I'll go to mine.
Man: That's cool, cause after I'm done shagging you in the back f my car, I don't give a shit where you go.

Man: So what do you do for a living?
Woman: I'm a female impersonator.
Man: That explains the moustache then.

(Classic!)
Man: How do you like your eggs in the morning?
Woman: Unfertilised.
Man: No problem, I'll just shoot my load up your arse.

Man: I would go to the end of the world for you.
Woman: but would you stay there?
Man: Probably, cause you seem to be the kind of chick that's impossible to shake of once you've been shagged.

Man: Would you like to dance?
Woman: I'd rather eat glass.
Man: I think you miss heard me, I said you look fat in those pants.

Man: Where have you been all my life?
Woman: Fortunately, somewhere else.
Man: Just as well, cause I've been shagging your mum while your dad watches.

Man: You're pretty
Woman: Piss Off.
Man: Don't interrupt, You're pretty... Ugly, you fat bitch.

[Archie Mitchell]

Absolutly shite show on BBC 1 now. Pure dung. They musta got the jokes from this thread.

[illdecide]

Men Are Just Happier People
 
NICKNAMES
If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah .
If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla and Four-eyes.
 
EATING OUT
When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in £20, even though it's only for £32.50.
None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.
When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.
 
MONEY
A man will pay £2 for a £1 item he needs.
A woman will pay £1 for a £2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale.
 
BATHROOMS
A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel from M&S.
The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337.
A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.
 
ARGUMENTS
A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
 
CATS
Women love cats.
Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.
 
FUTURE
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
 
SUCCESS
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
 
MARRIAGE
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.
 
DRESSING UP
A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the bins, answer the phone, read a book, and get the post.
A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.
 
NATURAL
Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
Women somehow deteriorate during the night.
 
OFFSPRING
Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children.
She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favourite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.
A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.
 
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
A married man should forget his mistakes.
There's no use in two people remembering the same thing.

[illdecide]

WHY MEN ARE NEVER DEPRESSED:


Men Are Just Happier People-- What do you expect from such simple creatures? Your last name stays put. The garage is all yours. Wedding plans take care of themselves. Chocolate is just another snack. You can be President. You can never be pregnant. You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park. You can wear NO shirt to a water park. Car mechanics tell you the truth. The world is your urinal. You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky. You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt. Same work, more pay. Wrinkles add character. Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental-$100. People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet. One mood all the time.

Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat. You know stuff about tanks. A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase. You can open all your own jars. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness. If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.

Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough. You almost never have strap problems in public. You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes. Everything on your face stays its original color. The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades. You only have to shave your face and neck.

You can play with toys all your life. One wallet and one pair of shoes -- one color for all seasons. You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look. You can "do" your nails with a pocket knife. You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.

You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.

No wonder men are happier.

[illdecide]

My wife left me, she took my Bob Marley collection and the satellite dish...Totally gutted...No woman, no Sky.

[Onion Bag]

My wife left me, she took my Bob Marley collection and the satellite dish...Totally gutted...No woman, no Sky.

Gr8, Where do you get them illdecide?

[illdecide]

It's the way i tell them Onion saan

[face.that.ball]

The Three Wolf Moon T-Shirt became an internet phenomenon when it began selling on amazon. Its basically a black t-shirt with three wolves howling at the full moon but after a spate of ironic reviews went viral sales of the kitsch Three Wolf Moon T-shirt shot up 2,300%

The first review gave the shirt five stars, saying it "Pros: Fits my girthy frame, has wolves on it, attracts women
Cons: Only 3 wolves (could probably use a few more on the 'guns'), cannot see wolves when sitting with arms crossed, wolves would have been better if they glowed in the dark."

That prompted hundreds of others to post frivolous reviews, turning the page into an internet phenomenon.

"When I put this T-shirt on for the first time, my wife left me! Thank you, Three Wolf Moon T-Shirt," wrote one wag, while another said that "the Three Wolf Moon T-Shirt gave me a +10 resistance to energy attacks, +8 Strength... and I have successfully solved 7 crimes in my city".

Other gems include

"I had a two-wolf shirt for a while and I didn't think life could get any better. I was wrong. Life got 50% better, no lie"

"Recently, my girlfriend asked me to meet her parents. I was hesitant at first, and declined the offer for a couple of months. Finally, she wore me down and got me to agree. Her parents are rich enough to own Bill Gates, and they insisted that we go to some nice steak restaurant. Despite her objections, I wore this shirt.

The first thing her father noticed on me was this shirt and, upon shaking my hand, he started to call me son. As soon as we sat down, he wrote me a check for 100,000 dollars and told me to call him if I ever needed anything, and her beautiful mother began rubbing my leg in a not unpleasent way.

Half way through the dinner, a man collapsed at the table next to us. I jumped to my feet and assessed the situation. I discovered that he was choking on a rather large piece of steak. Now I have no medical training, but the shirt showed me how to save this man's life. And I did.

So grateful for my actions, the man paid for my dinner and gave me the keys to his new corvette outside. Then the waiters all gave me their tips, winking at me and mouthing "nice shirt."

Later that night, my girlfriend couldn't keep her hands off of me. She wanted me. Being no fool, I kept the shirt on. She said the pleasure was so intense she forgot her own name for a minute. We're getting married next week, and I haven't taken the shirt off since.
Only downside: I turn into a werewolf on full moon nights when I wear the shirt. And I occasionally wake up to Carlos Mencia singing in my bathroom. Be warned."

"wolves upon my shirt
howling, i stalk my prey too
in my mom's basement "

"I bought this shirt from this site without reading the reviews and now, my life is pretty much over. It's just me and my disability check in this cozy trailer from now on.

It was just, like, I saw the shirt when I was looking to buy my boyfriend a gift for his birthday. The wolves... they, like, called to me from the webpage and I pushed the one click button immediately. And when it arrived and I was wrapping it for my man, I kept touching it thinking, "he is going to look soooooooooooooooooo hot in this shirt. Look at all those HOWLING WOLVES! One wolf would have been pretty sexy, but three of them? That's so triple of the sexy!

He loved it, of course, and then he went and wore it to the bar. Three days later, he came back to our trailer, packed his bag, and left me for one of the many ladies that were drawn to him and the "magical" shirt. Magical for him, maybe... but not to ME. I'm so lost without him.
I hate you, wolf shirt."

"After I bought this shirt, Chuck Norris rang my doorbell and told me he's my father."

"Three Wolf Tee, light of my life, fire of my loins. My sin, my soul. Three-wolf-tee: the tip of the tongue taking a trip of three steps down the palate to tap, at three, on the teeth. Three. Wolf. Tee. "

"First off, the wicked awesome wolves are what attracted me to this shirt.
hands down, these wolves mean business and make you look dang sharp.
But once you start wearing it and incorporating it into your lifestyle, a whole new world opens up for you. Its almost as if you start wearing gang colors that associate you with the coolest group of people on the whole planet; wolf poeple. Whenever I go out with this shirt, I know my people will take care of me. I started getting into free movies, free bojangles chicken, the best huntin spots. Most law enforcement agents are wolf enthusiasts as well and I can't tell you how many times this shirt has gotten me off the hook. Right now I own 4 so I can keep them fresh in my rotation.
Beyond the style and social implications; this is just a quality shirt. It doesnt chaffe on a hot day, the dark fabric hides my girth pretty well and it doesnt show blood stains at all. This shirt is the total package, order one now and begin your new life."

For more hilarious reviews


http://www.amazon.com/Mountain-Mens-Three-Short-Sleeve/product-reviews/B002HJ377A/ref=cm_cr_pr_link_1?ie=UTF8&showViewpoints=0

[flantheman82]

One from the Illdecide school of jokes:

A friend of mine was recently sacked from his job at the bumper-cars. He's taking them to court for funfair dismissal.

[SidelineKick]

Whats blue, black and grey?




Colours.

[ziggysego]

Technically speaking, black is the absence of all colours and therefore isn't a colour.

[SidelineKick]

Technically speaking, f**k up.