Corny One for Friday

[illdecide]

2 Irishmen walk into a pet shop in Dingle, they walk over to the bird section and Gerry says to Paddy, "Dat's dem."

The owner comes over and asks if he can help them.

"Yeah, we'll take 4 of dem dere little budgies in dat cage up dere," says Gerry.

The owner puts the budgies in a cardboard box.

Paddy and Gerry pay for the birds, leave the shop and get into Gerry's truck to drive to the top of the Connor Pass.

At the Connor Pass, Gerry looks down at the 1000 foot drop and says, "Dis looks like a grand place."

He takes 2 birds out of the box, puts one on each shoulder and jumps off the cliff.

Paddy watches as the budgies fly off and Gerry falls all the way to the bottom, killing himself stone dead.

Looking down at the remains of his best pal, Paddy shakes his head and says, "Fook dat. Dis budgie jumping is too fook'n dangerous for me!"


THERE'S MORE...


Moment's later; Seamus arrives up at the Connor Pass.

He's been to the pet shop too and walks up to the edge of the cliff carrying another cardboard box in one hand and a shotgun in the other.

"Hi, Paddy, watch dis," Seamus says.

He takes a parrot from the box and lets him fly free.

He then throws himself over the edge of the cliff with the gun.

Paddy watches as half way down, Seamus takes the gun and shoots the parrot.

Seamus continues to plummet down and down until he hits the bottom and breaks every bone in his body.

Paddy shakes his head and says, "And I'm never trying dat parrotshooting either!"



IT'S NOT OVER YET....


Paddy is just getting over the shock of losing two friends when Sean appears.

He's also been to the pet shop and is carrying a cardboard box, out of which he pulls a chicken.

Sean then takes the chicken by its legs and hurls himself off the cliff and disappears down and down until he hits a rock and breaks his spine.

Once more Paddy shakes his head.

"Fook dat, lads. First dere was Gerry with his budgie jumping, den Seamus parrotshooting... And now Sean and his fook'n hengliding!"

[illdecide]

DEAR DEAF WIFE....this is priceless
A man feared his wife wasn't hearing as well as she used to and he thought she might need a hearing aid.
Not quite sure how to approach her, he called the family doctor to discuss the problem.
The Doctor told him there is a simple informal test the husband could perform to give the doctor a better idea about her hearing loss.
Here's what you do," said the Doctor, "stand about 40 feet away from her, and in a normal conversational speaking tone see if she hears you.
If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a response.."
That evening, the wife is in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he was in the den. He says to himself, "I'm about 40 feet away, let's see what happens."
Then in a normal tone he asks, 'Honey, what's for dinner?"
No response..
So the husband moves closer to the kitchen, about 30 feet from his wife
and repeats, "Honey, what's for dinner?"
Still no response.
Next he moves into the dining room where he is about 20 feet from his wife and asks, "Honey, what's for dinner?"
Again he gets no response.
So, he walks up to the kitchen door, about 10 feet away. "Honey, what's for dinner?
Again there is no response.
So he walks right up behind her. "Honey, what's for dinner?"


"Ralph, for the FIFTH time, CHICKEN!"

[Orior]

DEAR DEAF WIFE....this is priceless
A man feared his wife wasn't hearing as well as she used to and he thought she might need a hearing aid.
Not quite sure how to approach her, he called the family doctor to discuss the problem.
The Doctor told him there is a simple informal test the husband could perform to give the doctor a better idea about her hearing loss.
Here's what you do," said the Doctor, "stand about 40 feet away from her, and in a normal conversational speaking tone see if she hears you.
If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a response.."
That evening, the wife is in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he was in the den. He says to himself, "I'm about 40 feet away, let's see what happens."
Then in a normal tone he asks, 'Honey, what's for dinner?"
No response..
So the husband moves closer to the kitchen, about 30 feet from his wife
and repeats, "Honey, what's for dinner?"
Still no response.
Next he moves into the dining room where he is about 20 feet from his wife and asks, "Honey, what's for dinner?"
Again he gets no response.
So, he walks up to the kitchen door, about 10 feet away. "Honey, what's for dinner?
Again there is no response.
So he walks right up behind her. "Honey, what's for dinner?"


"Ralph, for the FIFTH time, CHICKEN!"

Probably the worst joke, ever.

[illdecide]

Jimmy Carr...1 liners



I had a mate who was suicidal. He was really depressed, so I pushed him
in front of a steam train.
He was chuffed to bits.

I met a 14 year old girl on the internet. She was clever, funny, flirty
and sexy, so I suggested we meet up.
She turned out to be an undercover detective.
How cool is that at her age?!

I went to see the nurse this morning for my annual check-up.
She said I had to stop w#nking.
When I asked why she said, "Because I'm trying to examine you!"

I just saw that Harry Potter film. A bit unrealistic if you ask me. I
mean, a ginger kid, with two friends?

When I got divorced, my wife said she would fight for custody of the
kids.
Took her out with one punch.

I was walking in a cemetery this morning and seen a bloke hiding behind
a gravestone. I said "morning."
He replied, "No, just having a sh!t."

Disabled toilets. Ironically, the only toilets big enough to run around
in.

I was walking down the road when I saw an Afghan bloke standing on a
fifth floor balcony shaking a carpet.
I shouted up to him, "What's up Abdul, won't it start?"

[gawa316]

Heard this last night on Live at the Apollo

2 hookers are having a drink together.

One says to the other, 'Have you ever been picked up by the fuzz?'

The other replies, 'No but I have been swung round by the tits!"

[illdecide]

If you need a good laugh, try reading through these children's science exam answers :

Q: Name the four seasons.
A: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.
 
Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink..
A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.
 
Q: How is dew formed?
A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.
 
Q: How can you delay milk turning sour? (brilliant, love this!)
A: Keep it in the cow.
 
Q: What causes the tides in the oceans?
A: The tides are a fight between the Earth and the Moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature hates a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.
 
Q: What are steroids?
A: Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.
 
Q: What happens to your body as you age?
A : When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.
 
Q: What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
A: He says good-bye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.
 
Q: Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.
A: Premature death.
 
Q: How are the main parts of the body categorized? ( e.g., abdomen)
A: The body is consisted into three parts -- the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain; the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels A, E, I, O, and U.
 
Q: What is the fibula?
A: A small lie.
 
Q: What does 'varicose' mean? (I do love this one...)
A: Nearby.
 
Q: Give the meaning of the term 'Caesarian Section.'
A: The Caesarian Section is a district in Rome
 
Q: What does the word 'benign' mean?'
A: Benign is what you will be after you be ei ght.

Kids Are Quick   
 
TEACHER:   Maria, go to the map and find North America
MARIA:       Here it is.
TEACHER:  Correct. Now class, who discovered America ?
CLASS:        Maria.
____________________________________
TEACHER:  John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
JOHN:      You told me to do it without using tables.
__________ ________________________________
 
TEACHER:  Glenn, how do you spell 'crocodile?'
GLENN:      K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L'
TEACHER:  No, that's wrong
GLENN:    Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.
____________________________________________
 
TEACHER:  Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
DONALD:    H I J K L M N O.
TEACHER:  What are you talking about?
DONALD:    Yesterday you said it's H to O.
__________________________________
TEACHER:  Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago. WINNIE:       Me!
__________________________________________
 
TEACHER:  Glen, why do you always get so dirty?
GLEN:     Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.
_______________________________________
 
TEACHER:    Millie, give me a sentence starting with ' I. '
MILLIE:          I is..
TEACHER:   No, Millie..... Always say, 'I am'
MILLIE:         All right...  'I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.   
_________________________________
 
TEACHER:   George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted it.   Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him?
LOUIS:     Because George still had the axe in his hand.   
________________________________ ______
 
TEACHER:  Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
SIMON:     No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.
 
 
TEACHER:   Clyde , your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same as your brother's.   Did you copy his?
CLYDE :       No, sir.  It's the same dog.
___________________________________
 
TEACHER:     Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
HAROLD:       A teacher.

[Niall Quinn]

Hedgehogs. Why can't they just share the hedge?

[gerry]

Hedgehogs. Why can't they just share the hedge?

can't believe that was voted the best joke last week

http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/scotland/edinburgh_and_east/8216991.stm

[full back]

Q.What is the difference between 'ooooooh'and 'aaaaaaah'?

A. About three inches

[brokencrossbar1]

Q.What is the difference between 'ooooooh'and 'aaaaaaah'?

A. About three inches

Height or lenght?

[SidelineKick]

Q.What is the difference between 'ooooooh'and 'aaaaaaah'?

A. About three inches

Height or lenght?

[illdecide]

The Five Minute Management Course ~

Lesson 1:

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her
shower, when the doorbell rings.

The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs.

When she opens the door, there stands Bob , the next-door neighbor.

Before she says a word, Bob says, 'I'll give you $800 to drop that
towel.'

After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked
in
front of Bob. After a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves.

The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs.

When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, 'Who was that?'

'It was Bob the next door neighbor,' she replies.

'Great,' the husband says, 'did he say anything about the $800 he owes
me?'



Moral of the story:

If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with
your
shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable
exposure.



Lesson 2:

A priest offered a Nun a lift.

She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg.

The priest nearly had an accident.

After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.

The nun said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'

The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide
up
her leg again.
The nun once again said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'

The priest apologized 'Sorry sister but the flesh is weak.'

Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily and went on her way.

On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It
said, 'Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.'

Moral of the story:
If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great
opportunity.



Lesson 3:

A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to
lunch
when they find an antique oil lamp.

They rub it and a Genie comes out.
The Genie says, 'I'll give each of you just one wish.'
'Me first! Me first!' says the admin clerk 'I want to be in theBahamas ,
driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.'
Puff! She's gone.

'Me next! Me next!' says the sales rep. 'I want to be in Hawaii ,
relaxing
on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina
Coladas
and the love of my life.'

Puff! He's gone.

'OK, you're up,' the Genie says to the manager.
The manager says, 'I want those two back in the office after lunch'

Moral of the story:
Always let your boss have the first say.

Les son 4

An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing.

A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, 'Can I also sit like you and
do nothing?'
The eagle answered: 'Sure, why not.'

So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested. All of a
sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

Moral of the story:
To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.





Lesson 5

A turkey was chatting with a bull.

'I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree' sighed the
turkey, 'but I haven't got the energy.'
'Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?' replied the bull.
They're packed with nutrients.'

The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him
enough
strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree.

The next day, after eating some more dung, he rea ched the second
branch.

Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top
of
the tree.

He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.

Moral of the story:
Bull Shit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there..



Lesson 6

A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird
froze and fell to the ground into a large field.

While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him.

As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to
realize
how warm he was.

The dung was actually thawing him out!

He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy.
A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate.

Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow
dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.

Morals of the story:
(1) Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy.

(2) Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend.

(3) And when you're in deep shit, it's best to keep your mouth shut!

THUS ENDS THE FIVE MINUTE MANAGEMENT COURSE

[full back]

Q.What is the difference between 'ooooooh'and 'aaaaaaah'?

A. About three inches

Height or lenght?

Just seen that

I was thinking more around

[Orior]

Two vultures were sitting on a branch.

One said to the other, ''Who won the 1972 Belgium Grand Prix?'', the other  replied, ''Lauda''.

The first Vulture says, ''Who won the 1972 Belgium Grand Prix?'' , the other replied, ''Lauda''.

The first Vulture shouts, ''WHO WON THE 1972 BELGIUM GRAND PRIX?'', the other Vulture says, ''Ah go back to sleep you deaf bastard''.

[Billys Boots]

The visual was better Orior.