Corny One for Friday

[DennistheMenace]

The last one probably has something to do with this comical epsiode.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HyA_MB9l-b4

[Muzz]

Yeah I know it was comical at the time...but it just looks like some Chelsea fan added that onto the bottom of the other jokes when sending it to an Arsenal fan.  The other ones are not so bad....

[SidelineKick]

Andy Goram has Schizophrenia!

[lfdown2]

oh dear god thats the last time il post a joke..... (fair enough if open for interpretation)

[SidelineKick]

  there's nothing like having to explain a joke to people!

[5 Sams]

Andy Goram has Schizophrenia!

Hence the best ever chant at a soccer game. Celtic fans to the Rangers keeper when he came back after being diagnosed with the aforementioned afflication:

"Two Andy Gorams, there's only two Andy Gorams".

[Schkite]

Quote:
Jamie Redknapp is literally on facebook
Dont gte this either

That's to do with Jamie Redknapp's overuse of the word "literally".

One of my favourites would be "He's literally left him for dead there!"  Tool!

[gallsman]

Quote:
Jamie Redknapp is literally on facebook
Dont gte this either

That's to do with Jamie Redknapp's overuse of the word "literally".

One of my favourites would be "He's literally left him for dead there!"  Tool!

Jamie Redknapp is the most useless bag of shite to ever sit in a pundits chair. He never actually analyses anything. "Frank Lampard. Great player. Gets the ball, back o' the net. What more can you say?" In this instance I gave the example of Frank Lampard. Frank could be substituted for any English player who came though West Ham under Jamie's da in the late 90s. Speaking of his da, he's a **** and all.

[Bud Wiser]

The knackers parked up on the grasss verge near the school and the father got the son into the primary school.  First friday son comes home and he sez, "Fader, Fader, tacher tould me today that I was great because I can spell from one to a hundred.  Is that because I'm a kn**ker fader?"  Father says, "No son, its because you are intelligent, yer intelligent"  Next Friday he comes home and sez "Fader, fader, tacher tould me today that I am great because I can count from a to a zed, is that because I'm a kn**ker fader? "   Father says, not at all son, its because you are intelligent.  Then he comes home one day and he says "Fader, we were all out the back of the toilet down the yard today and we were all comparing the sizes of our willy's and (holding up his little finger in a curve) says " and all of the other lads was that size" and then holding his hands about six inches apart he says " and mine was that size, is that because I am intelligent fader" and the father says, " No, it's because you are nearly 24 ya foookin eejit ya"

[illdecide]

A woman goes into a store to buy a fishing rod and reel for her grandson's birthday she doesn't know which one to get, so she just grabs one and goes over to the counter. The salesman is standing there, wearing dark glasses.       
She says, Excuse me. Can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?'
He says, 'Madam, I'm completely blind; but, if you'll drop it on the counter, I can tell you everything you need to know about it from the sound it makes.'

She doesn't believe him but drops it on the counter  anyway.

He says, 'That's a two metre Shakespeare graphite rod with a Zebco reel and 5-kg test line. It's a good all around combination, and it's on sale this week for $44.'

She says, 'It's amazing that you can tell all that just by
the sound of it dropping on the counter.  I'll take it!'

As she opens her purse, her credit card drops on the floor.

'Oh, that sounds like a Visa card, says the salesman.

As the lady bends down to pick up the card, she accidentally farts.

At first she is really embarrassed but then realizes there is no way the blind salesman could tell it was she who had farted.

The salesman rings up the sale and says,' That'll be $58.50 please.'

The woman is totally confused by this and asks,

'Didn't you tell me it was on sale for $44? How did you get to $58.50?'

'The Duck Caller is $11 and the Fish Bait is $3.50.'

[illdecide]

Fantastic, a firm with a sense of humour, at last.
 
 
A man with a bald head and a wooden leg is invited to a  Xmas fancy dress party.  He doesn't know what to wear to hide his head and his wooden leg, so he writes to a fancy dress company to explain his problem.







A few days later he receives a parcel with a note:







Dear Sir,



Please find enclosed a Pirate's outfit. The spotted handkerchief will cover your bald head and with your wooden leg you will be just right as a Pirate.







The man is offended that the outfit  emphasizes his disability, so he writes a letter of complaint.  A week passes and he receives another parcel and note:







Dear Sir,



Sorry about the previous parcel. Please find enclosed a monk's habit. The long robe will cover your wooden leg and with your bald head you will really look the part.







The man is really incandescent with rage now, because the company has gone from emphasizing his wooden leg to drawing attention to his bald head.  So he writes a really strong letter of complaint.  A few days later he gets a very small parcel from the company with the accompanying letter:







Dear Sir,



Please find enclosed a tin of Golden Syrup.



We suggest you pour the tin of Golden Syrup over your bald head, stick your wooden leg up your arse and go as  a toffee apple.

[Denn Forever]

Heard a story about Eric Morecambe.

There was a BBC doorman with only one arm.  He was not well liked, being very jobsworthy. 

When Morecambe was going in to a rehearsal, the doorman asked if Eric could get him tickets for the next performance.  Eric said no.  Crestfallen, the doorman asked why not? 

Eric answered, you can't clap.

[illdecide]

Hotel Related Incident


A man checks into a hotel in Belfast while on a business trip and was a bit lonely.

He thought of one of those girls you see advertised in phone box when you're calling for a taxi.

He popped into a phone box in Gt Victoria Street near the hotel and found an ad for a girl calling herself Erogonique, a lovely girl, bending over in the photo. She had all the right curves in all the right places, beautiful long wavy hair, long graceful legs...... well, you get the picture! He copied the phone number and returned to his hotel.

When back in the room he figures, what the hell, give her a call.

'Hello,' the woman says.

God, she sounded sexy.

'Hi, I hear you give a great massage and I'd like you to come to my room and give me one.. No, wait, I should be straight with you.... I'm in town all alone and what I really want is sex. I want it hard, I want it hot, and I want it now. Bring implements, toys, rubber, leather, whips, everything you've got in your bag of tricks. Tie me up, cover me in chocolate syrup and whipped cream, anything you want! Now, how does that sound?'

She says, 'That sounds fantastic, but you need to press 1 for an outside line.'

It took three hours for him to get the courage to checkout next morning.

[illdecide]

A very large woman , wearing a sleeveless sun dress
> , walked into a Bar in Dublin . She raised her right arm ,
> revealing a huge , hairy armpit , as she pointed to all the
> people sitting at the bar and asked , 'What man here
> will buy a lady a drink?'
>
> The bar went silent as the patrons tried to ignore
> her. But down at the end of the bar , an owl-eyed drunk
> slammed his hand down on the counter and bellowed '
> "Give the ballerina a drink!'
>
> The bartender poured the drink and the
>  woman chugged it down. She turned to the patrons and again
> pointed around at all of them , revealing the same hairy
> armpit , and asked , 'What man here will buy a lady a
> drink?'
>
> Once again , the same drunk slapped his money down on
> the bar and said , 'Give the ballerina another
> drink!'
>
> The bartender approached the little drunk and said
> 'Tell me , Paddy , it's your business if you want to
> buy the lady a drink , but why do you keep calling her a
> ballerina?'
>
> The drunk replied , 'Any woman who can lift her
> leg that high has got to be a ballerina!'

[DrinkingHarp]

Two old guys, one 80 and one 87, were sitting on their usual park bench one
morning. The 87 year old had just finished his morning jog and wasn't even short of
breath. The 80 year old was amazed at his friend's stamina and asked him what he did
to have so much energy. The 87 year old said, "Well, I eat rye bread every day. It keeps your energy level high and you'll have great stamina with the ladies."
So, on the way home, the 80 year old stops at the bakery. As he was looking
around, the lady asked if he needed any help. He said "Do you have any Rye bread?"
She said, "Yes, there's a whole shelf of it. Would you like some?" He said, "I want 5 loaves." She said, "My goodness, 5 loaves ... by the time you get to the 5th loaf,
it'll be hard."
He replied, "I can't believe it, everybody knows about this sh*t but me.