Corny One for Friday

[illdecide]

   


Bob, a handsome dude, walked into a sports bar around 9:58 pm.  He sat down next to a blonde at the bar and stared up at the TV.


The 10 pm news was coming on.  The news crew was covering the story of a man on the ledge of a large building preparing to jump.




The blonde looked at Bob and said, "Do you think he'll jump?"


Bob said, "You know, I bet he'll jump."


The blonde replied, "Well, I bet he won't."


Bob placed a $20 bill on the bar and said, "You're on!"




Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy on the ledge did a swan dive off the building, falling to his death.


The blonde was very upset, but willingly handed her $20 to Bob, saying, "Fair's fair.  Here's your money."




Bob replied, "I can't take your money.  I saw this earlier on the 5 pm news, and so I knew he would jump."


The blonde replied, "I did too, but didn't think he'd do it again."


Bob took the money...

[illdecide]

An Australian guy is travelling around the Greek Islands . He walks into a bar and, by chance, is served by an Australian barmaid. As she takes his order, a Foster's, she notices his accent. Over the course of the evening they get chatting. At the end of her shift he asks if she wants to come back to his place.

Although she is attracted to him she says no. He then offers to pay her $200 to sleep with him.

As she is travelling around the world, and is short of funds, she
agrees.

The next night the guy turns up again. Again he orders Fosters and after showing her plenty of attention, asks if she will sleep with him again for $200. She remembers the night before and is only too happy to agree.

This goes on for 5 nights. On the 6th night the guy comes in again,
orders Fosters but goes and sits in the corner. The barmaid thinks that if she pays him more attention then, maybe she can shake some more cash out of him. So she goes over and sits next to him.

She asks him where he's from in Australia ....

' Melbourne ', he tells her.

'So am I. What suburb?' she enquires.

'Glen Iris' he replies.

'That's amazing,' she says excitedly, 'so am I - what street?'

' Cameo Street ' he replies.

'This is unbelievable.........' she says, her voice quavering;

'What number?'

'Number 20', he replies.

She is totally astonished. 'You are NOT going to believe this,' she
screams, 'but I'm from number 22! My parents still live there!'

'I know...' he says, 'Your Dad gave me $1,000 to give to you'

HE WHO DRINKS AUSTRALIAN, THINKS AUSTRALIAN

[illdecide]

A chicken farmer went to a local bar, sat next to a woman and ordered
a glass of champagne.

The woman perked up and said, 'How about that? I just ordered a
glass of champagne, too!'

'What a coincidence' the farmer said. 'This is a special day for me.
I am celebrating.'

'This is a special day for me too, I am also celebrating,' said the
woman.

''What a coincidence!' said the farmer.

As they clinked glasses he added, 'What are you celebrating?'

'My husband and I have been trying to have a child and today my
gynecologist told me that I am pregnant!'

'What a coincidence!' said the man.

'I'm a chicken farmer and for years all of my hens were infertile,
but today they are all laying fertilized eggs.'

'That's great!' said the woman, 'How did your chickens become fertile?'

'I used a different c**k,' he replied.

The woman smiled, clinked his glass and said, 'What a coincidence'.

[illdecide]

Getting Old

The boss walked into the office one morning not knowing his zipper was down and his fly area wide open. His assistant walked up to him and said, 'This morning when you left your house, did you close your garage door?' The boss told her he knew he'd closed the garage door, and walked into his office puzzled by the question.

As he finished his paperwork, he suddenly noticed his fly was open, and zipped it up. He then understood his assistant's question about his 'garage door.'

He headed out for a cup of coffee and paused by her desk to ask, 'When my garage door was open, did you see my Hummer parked in there?'

She smiled and said, 'No, I didn't. All I saw was an old mini van with two flat tires.'

An elderly gentleman...
Had serious hearing problems for a number of years.. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%
The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, 'Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again.'
The gentleman replied, 'Oh! , I haven't told my family yet.
I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!'

Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says: 'Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?'
Slim says, 'I feel just like a newborn baby.'
'Really!? Like a newborn baby!?'
'Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants.'

An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen.
The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, 'Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly.'
The other man said, 'What is the name of the restaurant?'
The first man thought and thought and finally said, 'What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love?
You know... The one that's red and has thorns.'
'Do you mean a rose?'
'Yes, that's the one,' replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, 'Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?'

Hospital regulations require a wheel chair for patients being discharged. However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet, who insisted he didn't need my help to leave the hospital.
After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator.
On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him.
'I don't know,' he said. 'She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown.'

Couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. During a checkup, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember.

Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. 'Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?' he asks.
'Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?'
'Sure.'
'Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?' she asks.
'No, I can remember it.'
'Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so's not to forget it?'
He says, 'I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries. '
'I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down?' she asks..
Irritated, he says, 'I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!'
Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes,
The old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs. She stares at the plate for a moment.
'Where's my toast ?'


A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy:
'So I hear you're getting married?'
'Yep!'
'Do I know her?'
'Nope!'
'This woman, is she good looking?'
'Not really.'
'Is she a good cook?'
'Naw, she can't cook too well.'
'Does she have lots of money?'
'Nope! Poor as a church mouse.'
'Well, then, is she good in bed?'
'I don't know.'
'Why in the world do you want to marry her then?'
'Because she can still drive!'


Three old guys are out walking.
First one says, 'Windy, isn't it?'
Second one says, 'No, it's Thursday!'
Third one says, 'So am I. Let's go get a beer.'


A man was telling his neighbor, 'I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art. It's perfect.'
'Really,' answered the neighbor . 'What kind is it?'
'Twelve thirty.'



Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical.
A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.
A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, 'You're really doing great, aren't you?'
Morris replied, 'Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.''
The doctor said, 'I didn't say that. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur; be careful.' 


A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool.. After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.
The waitress asked kindly, 'Crushed nuts?'
'No,' he replied, 'Arthritis.'

[Orior]

Rip-off!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
==========



Christy Brown shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor in Dublin and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool.

After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.

The waitress asked kindly, 'Crushed nuts?'

'No,' replied Christy, 'cerebral palsy'

[Declan]

Few more from overheard in Dublin

Future WAG's

Walking through Penneys in Omni, Santry and two girls (velure tracksuits, high pony tails, the works) are shopping.

Blonde girl: "I'd love dat dress, but me legs will look huge in it."
(bare in mind she was about a size

Brunette: ""all ye need is a birre confidence Amy. You don't want to be payin for yer own drinks all yer life, do ye?"

Overheard by Jessi, Omni, Santry.
Take That!

At the 'Take That' concert in Croke Park. The queue outside the ladies during an interval was very long. Not wanting to miss the show a few care-free ladies decided to avail of the under-used Gents facility, but were surprised to be met by a guy in his thirties complaining... "What the F*** are ye women doing in here in the gents toilets?" Most were quietly embarrassed but were delighted to hear a young Dublin lady respond.. "What the F*** are you doing at a Take That concert?" before watching the guy squirm back out the toilet door with no more to say for himself.

Strict Dress Code!!!

Two lads from Dublin (dressed in snickers gear!) making a delivery to a Dunnes Stores in Cork. The manager stops them at the back door and tells them they cant come inside without a hi-vis vest on.

"No problem" says the older fella, "Can we just borrow two from the store while we drop the stock off?"

"Ah no" says the manager "that's only one issue. I cant let yis in dressed like that lads, it's slacks and black shoes only."

With that the younger fella comes out with a classic: "Jaysus, we're not trying to get into a f**king nightclub!"



Fowl play

Out having a few beers with some American lads over from California to work with us for a few weeks. One of the yanks calls over a young barmaid to buy a round.

Yank: "Can I have 5 pints of Guinness, two pints of Bulmers and I'll have a Wild Turkey."

Barmaid looking slightly puzzled walks away, comes back 10 mins later, with guinness & cider and says...."sorry we've no turkey, but I can get you a chicken sandwich."



Sitting on the Luas a woman in her early 30s comes on screaming down the mobile phone
"I don't effing care how long you're with her...you're only 19 for eff sake and that young wan is what...16? but that's not even what is really p*ssing me off you've made me a great aunt at the ripe old age of 32 ya little B*****d."



Walking along with my boyfriend in town one Saturday afternoon when just as we walked by a couple; man laden down with bags and girlfriend/wife with excited shopping look in her face we heard this:

Girl: "Oooh lets just pop in here for a sec..."

Disgruntled Man: "No. You're not the one paying for the f***ing parking space"

Overheard by Ciara, Wicklow Street
An oul exhibit

One afternoon in the National Museum in Dublin. An exhibition of 5,000 year old bodies which had been found preserved in Irish bogs..... After viewing one of these bodies, an elderly Dublin woman turned to her son and said with heartfelt sympathy: "Ah the lord 'ave mercy on 'im, I bet he never thought he was goin' to end up in here".

Overheard by Deirdre, National Museum, Dublin
Recession BUSting

Was on the 150 bus at christchurch the other day were there was 3 shams taking their time to cross the road (you know the type, smokes in there ear, tracksuit bottoms tucked into the stockins)anyway as the bus was hurdling towards them the driver pops up and shouts 3 for the price of 1, what reccesion???
The whole bus was in hysterics.

Overheard by patrick, 150 bus
Denier?

Guy and girl, both mid-twenties, in a cafe in NUI Maynooth.

Guy: "Saw a great documentary on the Holocaust last night."
Girl: "Hmmm..."
Guy: "Do you even know what the Holocaust was?"
Girl: "Wasn't it the nuclear thing?"

Overheard by robert munnelly, cafe in NUI Maynooth
Empties!

A lounge girl new on the job and a bit nervous as shes clearing glasses from a table full of old guys. As she is being handed an empty glass from one of the guys
Guy: "Another Deadman"
Lounge girl: "Another Deadman, I'll get it for you now".

Overheard by catherine, Pub in Ballinteer
Monday Blues..

First thing in the morning, double science. Junior cert revision yeoooo..

Anyway, biology..human reproduction.

*Teacher* What happens to make babies people?!

*Class* Looks to desk.

*Teacher* Ok, Ok what the first thing we need.

*Student down back* Alcohol.

Class and Teacher crack up..bloody brilliant!!

Overheard by Ginge!!, School
Taste the value

Was in Dunnes in Tallaght when I seen a lady and her 20 something daughter shopping.

Daughter: "Ma look at these trifles!"

Ma: "Nah, got them last week and they are disgusting, no taste off them at all."

Daughter: "But their half price?"

Ma: "Well give us two there so."

Overheard by Traykool, Dunnes, Tallaght
Don't mess with the bus pass holders

On Dublin bus, at bus stop a little old lady gets on to enquire when her next bus will be arriving:

Old lady to driver: "Will the next bus be long?"

Smartass Driver: "About the same length as this one luv"

Old Lady(without a moments hesitiation): "Really? And will it be driven by a little bollicks like you?"


Overheard by Maeve, Dublin bus



On the Luas coming out of town one afternoon during the week. As we got to Blackhorse the driver made an announcement

"Ladies & Gents there are 2 plain clothes ticket inspectors getting on at this stop so could you please have your tickets at hand for convenience thank you."

When we pulled up to the stop 2 people did get on and about 50 got off and stood on the platform, clearly waiting on the next Luas.

When we pulled away the driver got back on the intercom, laughing and said

"I was only joking, there's no such thing as a plain clothes ticket inspector, I just wanted to see how many people got on without paying!!"

Overheard by Lynn, On the Luas

[Diet Coke]

Apologies if this has been on before

A widower and widow had been friend for years and finally decided to get married. They had a business style lunch to discuss details like which house they would live/sell, joint bank accounts, wills etc.....over coffee the woman says to the man.....you look troubled what's on your mind?

he says how do you feel about sex?

She replies "to tell you the truth I would like it infrequent"

He pauses and then says "Was that one or two words?"

[illdecide]

INSTALLING A HUSBAND



Dear Tech Support ,

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slow down in overall system performance, particularly in the flower and jewelry applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0 .

In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as:
• Romance 9..5 and
• Personal Attention 6.5,

and then installed undesirable programs such as :

• NBA 5.0,
• NFL 3.0 and
• Golf Clubs 4.1

Also Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2. 6 simply crashes the system.

• Please note that I have tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail.

What can I do?

Signed,
Desperate.



DEAR DESPERATE ,

First, keep in mind,
• Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while
• Husband 1.0 is an operating system.

Please enter command: ithoughtyoulovedme.html and try to download Tears 6..2 and do not forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update.
• If that application works as designed , Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewelry 2.0 and Flowers 3.5.

However, remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5 , Happy Hour 7.0 or Beer 6.1 .
• Please note that Beer 6. 1 is a very bad program that will download the Farting and Snoring Loudly Beta.

Whatever you do, DO NOT under any circumstances install Mother-In-Law 1.0 (it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources.)

In addition, please do not attempt to reinstall the Boyfriend 5.0 -program These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband 1.0 .

In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance. We recommend
• Cooking 3.0 and
• Hot Lingerie 7.7.

Good Luck!
Tech Support

[High Wide and Handsome]

I'll decide do you spend all day looking through net for posts for nthis thread?

[illdecide]

I'll decide do you spend all day looking through net for posts for nthis thread?

No def not saan, when i get them e-mailed to me then i just copy them onto the board. I get an average about 10 every day but most of them are repeats...

[SidelineKick]

I'll decide do you spend all day looking through net for posts for nthis thread?

No def not saan, when i get them e-mailed to me then i just copy them onto the board. I get an average about 10 every day but most of them are repeats...

I'll decide do you spend all day looking through net for posts for nthis thread?

No def not saan, when i get them e-mailed to me then i just copy them onto the board. I get an average about 10 every day but most of them are repeats...

I'll decide do you spend all day looking through net for posts for nthis thread?

No def not saan, when i get them e-mailed to me then i just copy them onto the board. I get an average about 10 every day but most of them are repeats...

I'll decide do you spend all day looking through net for posts for nthis thread?

No def not saan, when i get them e-mailed to me then i just copy them onto the board. I get an average about 10 every day but most of them are repeats...

[illdecide]

that's a cracker...

It's the way you tell them

[High Wide and Handsome]

very good SLK

[highorlow]

Chinese Wedding Night

A young Chinese couple gets married. She's a virgin. Truth be told, he is a virgin too, but she doesn't know that.  On their wedding night, she cowers naked under the sheets as her husband undresses in the darkness.

He climbs into bed next to her and tries to be reassuring. 'My darring,' he whispers, 'I know dis you firss time and you berry flighten. I plomise you, I give you anyting you want, I do anyting - juss anyting you want. You juss ask. Whatchu want?' he says, trying to sound experienced and worldly, which he hopes will impress her.

A thoughtful silence follows and he waits patiently (and eagerly) for her request.

She eventually shyly whispers back, 'I want to try someting I have hear about from odda girls... Numbaa 69.'

More thoughtful silence, this time from him. Eventually, in a puzzled tone he asks her....

'You want........Garlic Chicken wif snow peas?' 

[SidelineKick]

If they were both Chinese why were they speaking English, eh?