Corny One for Friday

[SammyG]

A man was found wandering around Dublin, in the early hours of Sunday morning. He was wearing stockings, suspenders, lacy panties and an England rugby shirt.

Police removed his rugby shirt to save his family any embarrassment.












sorry I know it's an old one but I thought it deserved to be revived.

[Hardy]

A few GAA ones:

Larry Tompkins's famous sunburned feet causing him to miss a Munster championship match.

Joe Cassels slipped in the bath in his New York hotel on an All-Stars tour - sprained his ankle, I think.

Local legend when I was a young lad had it that a club defender in Meath lost a finger when his ring caught in a nail on the crossbar.

A famous and sad non-GAA one was that East-European basketball player who celebrated a winning score by head-butting the concrete or steel pillar that holds the basket. It was shown on TV. He's in a wheelchair to this day.

[SlimShady]

Aldergrove Minors played at our place a few years back, they came bounding out like men possessed. One big midfielder bounced down the steps and leapt towards the field but as he leapt off the last step he went too high- whacked the iron frame of the gates with his head and the ambulance had to be called.

we have removed said frame since.

[illdecide]

If Only

Letter To The Bank Manager

Below is an actual letter sent to a UK Bank. The Bank Manager thought it amusing enough to have it published in the Guardian (National British Newspaper).

Dear Sir,

I am writing to thank you for bouncing my cheque with which I endeavored to pay my plumber last month. By my calculations some three nanoseconds must have elapsed between his presenting the cheque and the arrival in my account of the funds needed to honor it. I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my entire salary, an arrangement which, I admit, has only been in place for eight years.

You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity, and also for debiting my account £50 by way of penalty for the inconvenience I caused to your bank. My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has caused me to rethink my errant financial ways.

You have set me on the path of fiscal righteousness. No more will our relationship be blighted by these unpleasant incidents, for I am restructuring my affairs in 2007, taking as my model the procedures, attitudes and conduct of your very bank. I can think of no greater compliment and I know you will be excited and proud to hear it. To this end, please be advised about the following changes:

I have noticed that whereas I personally attend to your telephone calls and letters, when I try to contact you, I am confronted by the impersonal, ever-changing, pre-recorded, faceless entity which your bank has become. From now on I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh-and-blood person.

My mortgage and loan repayments will, therefore and hereafter, no longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank, by cheque, addressed personally and confidentially to an employee at your branch whom you must nominate. You will be aware that it is an offence under the Postal Act for any other person to open such an envelope. Please find attached an Application Contact Status which I require your chosen employee to complete. I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order that I know as much about him or her as your bank knows about me, there is no alternative. Please note that all copies of his or her medical history must be countersigned by a Notary Public, and the mandatory details of his/her financial situation (income, debts, assets and liabilities) must be accompanied by documented proof. In due course, I will issue your employee with a PIN number which he/she must quote in dealings with me. I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have modelled it on the number of button presses required to access my account balance on your phone bank service.

As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery. Let me level the playing field even further by introducing you to my new telephone system, which you will notice, is very much like yours. My authorized contact at your bank, the only person with whom I will have any dealings, may call me at any time and will be answered by an automated voice service:

Press buttons as follows:

1. To make an appointment to see me.

2. To query a missing payment.

3. To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there.

4. To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping.

5. To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature.

6. To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home.

7. To leave a message on my computer, a password to access my computer is required. Password will be communicated at a later date to the authorized contact.

8. To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1 through 9.

9. To make a general complaint or inquiry. The contact will then be put you on hold, pending the attention of my automated answering service. While this may on occasion involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music will play for the duration of the call. This month I've chosen a refrain from "The Best of Woodie Guthrie: Oh, the banks are made of marble, With a guard at every door, And the vaults are filled with silver, That the miners sweated for."

On a more serious note, we come to the matter of cost. As your bank has often pointed out, the ongoing drive for greater efficiency comes at a cost which you have always been quick to pass on to me. Let me repay your kindness by passing some costs back. First, there is a matter of advertising material you send me. This I will read for a fee of £20 per page. Inquiries from the authorized contact will be billed at £5 per minute of my time spent in response. Any debits to my account, as, for example, in the matter of the penalty for the dishonoured cheque, will be passed back to you. My new phone service runs at 75p a minute. You will be well advised to keep your inquiries brief and to the point. Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new arrangement.

May wish you a happy, if ever-so-slightly less prosperous, New Year!

Your Humble Client,

(Name Withheld)

Excellent

[illdecide]

>This was originally shown on BBC TV back in the seventies. Ronnie
Barker
>could
>say all this without a snigger (though god knows how many takes) Irony
is
>that
>they received not one complaint. must have been the speed of delivery
was
>too
>much for the whining herds. Try getting through it without converting
the
>spoonerisms as you read;
>
>
>
>This is the story of Rindercella and her sugly isters.
>
>
>
>Rindercella and her sugly isters lived in a marge lansion. Rindercella
>worked
>very hard frubbing sloors, emptying poss pits, and shivelling shot. At
the
>end
>of the day, she was knucking fackered.
>
>
>
>The sugly isters were right bugly astards. One was called Mary Hinge,
and
>the
>other was called Betty Swallocks; they were really forrible huckers;
they
>had
>fetty sweet and fetty swannies. The sugly isters had tickets to go to
the
>ball, but the cotton runts would not let Rindercella go.
>
>
>
>Suddenly there was a bucking fang, and her gairy fodmother appeared.
Her
>name
>was Shairy Hithole and she was a light rucking fesbian. She turned a
>pumpkin
>and six mite wice into a hucking cuge farriage with six dandy ronkeys
who
>had
>buge hollocks and dig bicks
>
>
>
>The gairy fodmother told Rindercella to be back by dimnlight otherwise,
>there
>would be a cucking falamity.
>
>
>
>At the ball, Rindercella was dancing with the prandsome hince when
suddenly
>
>the clock struck twelve. "Mist all chucking frighty!!!" said
Rindercella,
>and
>she ran out tripping barse over ollocks, so dropping her slass glipper.
>
>
>
>The very next day the prandsome hince knocked on Rindercella's door and
the
>
>sugly isters let him in. Suddenly, Betty Swallocks lifted her leg and
let
>off
>a fig bart. "Who's fust jarted??" asked the prandsome hince. "Blame
that
>fugly
>ucker over there!!" said Mary Hinge. When the stinking brown cloud had
>lifted,
>he tried the slass glipper on both the sugly isters without success and
>their
>feet stucking funk.
>
>
>
>Betty Swallocks was ducking fisgusted and gave the prandsome hince a
knack
>in
>the kickers. This was not difficult as he had bucking fuge halls and a
hig
>bard on.
>
>
>
>He tried the slass glipper on Rindercella and it fitted pucking
ferfectly.
>
>
>
>Rindercella and the prandsome hince were married. The pransome hince
lived
>his
>life in lucking fuxury, and Rindercella lived hers with a follen
swanny.

[illdecide]

*One evening a man was at home watching TV and eating peanuts. He'd toss them in the air, then catch them in his mouth. In the middle of catching one, his wife asked a question, and as he turned to answer her, a peanut fell in his ear. He tried and tried to dig it out but only succeeded in pushing it in deeper. He asked his wife for assistance, and after hours of trying they became worried and decided to go to hospital.
As they were ready to go out the door, their daughter came home with her date. After being informed of the problem, their daughter's date said he could get the peanut out. The young man told the father to sit down, then shoved two fingers up the father's nose and told him to blow hard.
When the father blew, the peanut flew out. The mother and daughter jumped and yelled for joy.
The young man insisted that it was nothing and the daughter brought the young man out to the kitchen for something to eat. Once he was gone the mother turned to the father and said, "That's wonderful. Isn't he smart?
What do you think he's going to be when he grows older?!"
The father replies "From the smell of his fingers, our son in-law!"

[Hardy]

Understanding Engineers - One
To the optimist, the glass is half full. To the pessimist, the glass is half empty. To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.

Understanding Engineers - Two
Three engineering students were discussing the possible designers of the human body.

One said, "It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints."

Another said, "No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has many thousands of electrical connections."

The last one said, "No, actually it had to have been a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?"

Understanding Engineers - Three
What is the difference between mechanical engineers and civil engineers?

Mechanical engineers build weapons and civil engineers build targets

Understanding Engineers - Four
A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were playing one morning behind a particularly slow group of golfers.

The engineer fumed, "What's the story with those blokes? We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!"

The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such inept golf!"

The priest said, "Here comes the greenkeeper. Let's have a word with him."

He said, "Hello, George! What's wrong with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?"

The greenkeeper replied, "Oh, yes. That's a group of blind fire fighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime." The group fell silent for a moment.

Then the priest said, "That's so sad. I'll say a special prayer for them tonight."

The doctor said, "I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist colleague and see if there's anything he can do for them."

The engineer said, "Why can't they play at night?"

[Orior]

The last one said, "No, actually it had to have been a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?"

That actually made me laugh!

[Croí na hÉireann]

Is it wrong to lol at "Understanding Engineers - Four", very funny 

[Windmill abu]

They have found a cure for homosexuality.
Lip balm, you rub it on your arsehole and it keeps the chaps away

[5 Sams]

A granny has trouble inserting a suppository and asks her grandson for help. When the old dear bends over he asks "Do I put it in the brown hole or feed the turkey?"

[Goats Do Shave]

A granny has trouble inserting a suppository and asks her grandson for help. When the old dear bends over he asks "Do I put it in the brown hole or feed the turkey?"

[SlimShady]

its lunchtime ye dirty hoor!!

[Mayo4Sam]

A college clas was told they had to write a short story in as few words as possible. The instructions were that they had to include the following three things:
(1) Religion
(2) Sexuality
(3) Mystery

Below is the only A+ story int he entire class.


"Good God, I'm pregnant, I wonder who did it?"

[harps2002champs]

Lesbian joins weightwatchers!

Teachers says 'You are what you eat!'

Lesbian replies ' Are you calling me a ****'