Corny One for Friday

[screenexile]

Just got this msg on my phone:


As a mark of respect to wacko jacko thousands of paedophiles are putting on their white gloves and marching all over the North of Ireland...........on the 12th July! lol 

Prob already been on but ah well.

Careful

aye i know. going no further. dont want to end up exiled like the heroic sideline kick, i'll decide and screen exile. the mrytrs they are lol  

Heroic??? I like that but I think it's screenmachine you're thinking of... he's only a ballix anyway as is sideline! At least illdecide provided some much needed humour to the Corny One For A Friday thread!

[High Wide and Handsome]

jesus sorry for the confusion! the other is a bit of a tard! lol

[High Wide and Handsome]

A cruise on the  Pacific goes all wrong, the ship sinks, and there are only  3 Survivors;  Bob, Tom and Debbie.

They manage to swim to a small island and they  lived there for a couple of years doing what's natural for men and women  to do.

After several years of casual sex, all the time, Debbie felt  absolutely horrible about what she was doing.

She felt having sex  with both Bob and Tom was so immoral and bad, that she killed  herself.

It was tragic, but Bob and Tom managed to get  through it.
After a while, Bob and Tom's resistance to nature's urgings  waned, and the inevitable happened.

Well, a couple more years went  by and Bob and Tom began to feel absolutely horrible about what they were  doing.

So they buried  Debbie.

im not gonna lie.....i laughed but yes you are a sick fcker! 

[Gaoth Dobhair Abu]

Some years ago, Paddy married an attractive woman, Katie, half his
age, in a small coastal Irish community.
After several months, Katie complained that she had never climaxed
during sex and according to her Grandmother all Irish women are
entitled to a climax once in a while.

So, to resolve the problem, they went to see the Veterinarian since
there was no trustworthy doctor anywhere in the village.
The Vet didn't have a clue, but he did recall how, during the hot
summer, his mother and father would fan a cow that was having difficulty
breeding, with a big towel.
This would cool her down and make her relax.

So the Vet told them to hire a strong, virile young man to wave a
big towel over them while they were having sex.
This, the Vet said, would cause the young wife to cool down, relax,
then climax.
So the couple hired a strong young man from Dublin to wave that big
Towel over them as the Vet suggested.
After many efforts, Katie still had not climaxed so they went back
to the Vet. The Vet said for her to change partners and let the young
man have
sex with her while Paddy waved the big towel.
They tried it that night and Katie went into wild, screaming,
ear-splitting climaxes, one right after the other fo r about two and a
half hours.
When it was over, Paddy looked down at the exhausted young man and
in a boasting voice said:


'And that, me son, is how ya waves a foockin' towel !!

[supersub]

Earlier today I saw a Newcastle season-ticket nailed to a tree. I thought 'I'm having that!' 'cos you can never have enough nails, can you?

I also always vowed if I won the lottery, I'd buy Newcastle United Football Club...it's just getting those bloody three numbers together...

[illdecide]

"If you consider that there has been an average of 160,000 troops in the Iraq theatre of operations during the past 22 months, and a total of 2112 deaths, that gives a firearm death rate of 60 per 100,000 soldiers.

The firearm death rate in Washington, DC is 80.6 per 100,000 for the same period.  That means you are about 25 per cent more likely to be shot and killed in the U.S. capital, which has some of the strictest gun control laws in the U.S., than you are in Iraq.

Conclusion: The U.S. should pull out of Washington."

[illdecide]

   A woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at
work.

Her 9 year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them, and hides in the bedroom cupboard to watch. Just after getting into bed the woman's husband also comes home unexpectedly, she tells her lover to hide in the cupboard, not
realising that the little boy is in there.

After a little while the little boy says, 'Dark in here.

The man, who obviously got a real fright not expecting to hear anything, let
alone from a little boy says, 'Yes, it is.'

Boy - 'I have a football.'

Man - 'That's nice.'

Boy - 'Want to buy it?'

Man - 'No, thanks.'

Boy - 'My dad's outside.'

Man - 'OK, how much?'

Boy - '£ 250'

In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the
cupboard together.

Boy - 'Dark in here.'

Man - 'Yes, it is.'

Boy - 'I have football boots.'

The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy, 'OK How much this
time?'


Boy - '£ 750'

Man - 'Sold.'

A few days later, the boys' father says to the boy, 'Grab your boots and
football, let's go outside and have a game of
soccer.

The boy says, 'I can't, I sold my ball and boots.'
The father asks, 'How much did you sell them for and to who?'


The boy says, 'To a friend of mine for a £ 1,000.'

The father says, 'That's a terrible thing to do, overcharging your friend like
that'. 'That's four times what they cost when they were new, I'm going to
take you to church and make you confess your terrible
sins.'


They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession
booth and he closes the door.

The boy says, 'Dark in here'..

The priest says, 'Don't start that shit again  you're in my
cupboard now'!!

[illdecide]

ONLY A MAN WOULD ATTEMPT THIS
 
Just try reading this without laughing till you cry!!!
 
 
Pocket Tazer Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife. A guy who purchased
his lovely wife a pocket Tazer for their anniversary submitted this:
Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol &Pawn Shop that sparked
my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for
a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a
100,000-volt, pocket/purse- sized tazer. The effects of the tazer were
supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your
assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety....??
 
 
Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it
couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries, right? There
I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little
soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really
needed to try this thing out on a flesh &blood moving target.
 
 
So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading
glasses perched delicately y on the bridge of my nose, directions in one
hand, and tazer in another. The directions said that a one-second burst
would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was
supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a
three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the
ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds
would be wasting the batteries.
All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long,
less than 3/4 inch in circumference; and (loaded withtwo itsy, bitsy triple-A batteries)
thinking to myself, 'no possible way!

' What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my
best.. .?
 
 
I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one
side as to say, 'don't do it dipshit,' reasoning that a one second burst
from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I decided
to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it. I touched the
prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and . .
HOLY MOTHER OF GOD . . WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION . . . WHAT THE
HELL!!!
 
 
I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me
up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and
over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal
position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire,
testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in
the oddest position, and tingling in my legs? The cat was making meowing
sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging
above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by
my body flopping all over the living room..
 
 
Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a tazer, one
note of caution: there is no such thing as a one second burst when you
zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged
from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor.. A three
second burst would be considered conservative?
IT HURT LIKE HELL!!!
 
 
A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at
that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and
surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of
the fireplace. The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from
where it originally was.. My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were
still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain,
and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I had no control over the drooling.
Apparently I pooped on myself, but was too numb to know for sure and my
sense of smell was gone. I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head which I
believe came from my hair. I'm still looking for my nuts and I'm
offering a significant reward for their safe return!
 
 
 
P.s... My wife, can't stop laughing about my experience, loved the gift,
and now regularly threatens me with it!

[Maguire01]

Just try reading this without laughing till you cry!!!
 

It wasn't too difficult.

[SidelineKick]

Just try reading this without laughing till you cry!!!
 

It wasn't too difficult.

x 2

[amigo]

Just try reading this without laughing till you cry!!!
 

It wasn't too difficult.

x 2

x 3

[5 Sams]

Just try reading this without laughing till you cry!!!
 

It wasn't too difficult.

x 2

x 3

Mise fosta....I just thought to myself...what a Joe Brolly..

[SidelineKick]

Just try reading this without laughing till you cry!!!
 

It wasn't too difficult.

x 2

x 3

Mise fosta....I just thought to myself...what a Joe Brolly..

Legend 

[curvey]

I thought it was funny...stupid males

[longball]

I thought it was funny...stupid males

Anyone else think Curvey is obviously a male posing as a female have read her/his three comments and i can pick up on this already