Corny One for Friday

[Orior]

Guy goes into the confessional box..  He notices on one wall a fully equipped bar with Guinness on tap. On the other wall is a dazzling array of the finest Cuban cigars.

Then the priest comes in.  "Father, forgive me, for it's been a very long time since I've been to confession, but I must first admit that the confessional box is much more inviting these days."

The priest replies, "Get out. You're on my side."

[Orior]

Hardstation and Saffron Sam - look away now
============================



A little old Belfast lady was walking down the Andersonstown Road dragging two large plastic garbage bags behind her.  One of the bags was ripped and every once in a while a £20 fell out onto the sidewalk.

Noticing  this, a policeman stopped her, and said, "Ma'am, there are £20 bills falling out of that bag.

Oh really? Darn it!" said the little old lady. "I'd better go back and see if I can find  them. Thanks for telling me officer." Well, now, not so fast," said the cop.  Where did you get all that money?  You didn't steal it, did you?"

"Oh, no, no", said the old lady. "You see, my back yard is right next  to the Casement Park car park.  On game days, a lot of fans come and pee  through a knot hole in the fence, right into my flower garden.  It used to  really tick me off.  Kills the flowers, you know. Then I thought, 'why not  make the best of it?  So, now, on game days, I stand behind the fence by  the knot hole, real quiet, with my hedge clippers.

Every time some guy sticks his pecker through my fence, I surprise him, grab   hold of it and say, 'O.K., mucker! Give me £20, or off it comes.'

"Well, that seems only fair," said the cop, laughing. "OK. Good luck! Oh, by the way, what's in the other bag?"

"Well, you know", said the little old lady, "not everybody pays."

[illdecide]

A typical bloke, having split from his latest girlfriend, decided to take a holiday.
He booked himself on a cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life; that is, until the ship sank.
He found himself on an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing, only bananas and coconuts.
After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to the shore.
In disbelief, he asks, 'Where did you come from? How did you get here?'
She replies, 'I rowed from the other side of the island. I landed here when my cruise ship sank.'
'Amazing,' he notes. 'You were really lucky to have a row boat wash up with you.' 'Oh, this thing?' explains the woman. 'I made the boat out of raw material I found on the island. The oars were whittled from gum tree branches. I wove the bottom from palm branches, and the sides and stern came from a Eucalyptus tree.'
'But, where did you get the tools?'
'Oh, that was no problem,' replied the woman. 'On the south side of the island, a very unusual stratum of alluvial rock is exposed. I found if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into ductile iron. I used that for tools and used the tools to make the hardware.'
The guy is stunned.
'Let's row over to my place,' she says. After a few minutes of rowing, she docks the boat at a small wharf. As the man looks to shore, he nearly falls off the boat. Before him is stone walk leading to an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white.
While the woman ties up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope, the man can only stare ahead, dumb struck. As they walk into the house, she
says casually, 'It's not much but I call it home. Sit down, please.
Would you like a drink?'
'No! No thank you,' he blurts out, still dazed.
'I can't take another drop of coconut juice.' 'It's not coconut juice,'
winks the woman. 'I have a still. How would you like a Pina Colada?'
Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepts, and they sit down on her couch to talk. After they have exchanged their stories, the woman announces, 'I'm going to slip into something more comfortable.
Would you like to take a shower and shave? There is a razor upstairs in the bathroom cabinet.'
No longer questioning anything, the man goes into the bathroom.
There, in the cabinet, a razor made from a piece of tortoise bone. Two shells honed to a hollow ground edge are fastened on to its end inside a swivel mechanism.
'This woman is amazing,' he muses. 'What next?'
When he returns, she greets him wearing nothing but vines, strategically positioned, and smelling faintly of gardenias. She beckons for him to sit down next to her.
'Tell me,' she begins suggestively, slithering closer to him, 'We've been out here for many months. You've been lonely. There's something I'm sure you really feel like doing right now, something you've been longing for?'
She stares into his eyes ..
He swallows excitedly and tears start to form in his eyes........
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...'F*****g hell, don't tell me you've got Sky Sports?'

[longrunsthefox]

A salesman checked into a futuristic hotel.  Realizing he needed a haircut
before the next day's meeting, he called down to the desk clerk to ask if there
was a barber on the premises.

I'm afraid not, sir," the clerk told him apologetically, "but down the hall from
your room is a vending machine that should serve your purposes."

Sceptical but intrigued, the salesman located the machine, inserted $15.00, and
stuck his head into the opening, at which time the machine started to buzz and
whirl.  Fifteen seconds later the salesman pulled out his head and
surveyed his reflection, which reflected the best haircut of his life.

Two feet away was another machine with a sign that read, 'Manicures, $20.00.'
"Why not?" thought the salesman.  He paid the money, inserted his hands into the
slot, and the machine started to buzz and whirl.  Fifteen seconds later he
pulled out his hands and they were perfectly manicured.

The next machine had a sign that read, 'This Machine Provides a Service Men Need
When Away from Their Wives, 50 Cents.'

The salesman looked both ways, put fifty cents in the machine, unzipped his fly,
and with some anticipation, stuck his manhood into the opening.  When the
machine started buzzing, the guy let out a shriek of agony and almost passed
out.  Fifteen seconds later it shut off.  With trembling hands, the salesman was
able to withdraw his tender unit...  which now had a button sewn on the end.

[screenmachine]

True story my Da told me the other day.

Some old man around about our way who lived on his own, had no license, got around on a bike, etc., etc.  You know the kind of character I'm portraying.  

He always drank in the same pub and all the other regulars/bar staff got to know him quite well as he'd be quite fond of a drop.
Well, his 70th birthday was approaching and as he'd never been outside the country, the barstaff/customers decided to have a whip round and buy him a flight to visit his only remaining sister who lived in Manchester.  Nothing much but a nice gesture all the same.
So the week before his birthday the flights and all were booked, and when your man landed into the pub he was told they had bought him this trip for his 70th birthday.  He was surprised and delighted at the generosity and the chance to get over to visit his sister.

Anyway, his birthday arrives and he's booked in for his flight the next day.  As it's his birthday, he decides to go to the pub for a few quiet ones.  The few quiet ones turns into quite a few and the whole thing ends up blocked.  Anyway, the next day arrives and a few of the lads from the pub head over to leave him to the airport as he can't drive.  

They arrive at the ariport and leave him off, wishing him good luck and all the rest.  Your man has about and hour or two to kill before his flight so decides to head to the bar for one to settle the nerves/the cure.  One turns into two and so on and so forth, it isn't too long until your man is half blocked again.  The next thing he knows he just wakens up.  He see's two ladies in uniform walking past and stops them and asks, "Excuse me, what airline do you work for?  Have we landed yet?"

The two ladies respond, "Sir, your in Antrim Area Hospital, I'm afraid you passed out in the airport."

My hero...

[take_yer_points]

Apologies if this has been posted before!

From:Jeff Peters
Date: Wednesday 8 April 2009 10.22am
To: David Thorne
Subject: Membership Renewal

Dear David

This is a friendly reminder to let you know your gym membership expired last week. Your membership is important to us and we would like to take this opportunity to show our appreciation by offering you a 20% discount on your membership renewal. We look forward to seeing you again soon.

All the best, Jeff Peters


From: David Thorne
Date: Wednesday 8 April 2009 1.37pm
To: Jeff Peters
Subject: Re: Membership Renewal

Dear Jeff,

Thankyou for your friendly reminder and the kind offer to reduce my membership by twenty percent. I own a calculator but I could not work out how to do percentages on it so have estimated that I save around $372.10 off the normal price of $420.00 - Please confirm that this is correct and I will renew my membership immediately. Also, do I get a Fitness First sports bag with towel and drinking bottle included in the price? I own my own legwarmers and headband.

Regards, David.



From: Jeff Peters
Date: Thursday 9 April 2009 10.01am
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Membership Renewal Due

Hello David

How did you come to that amount? Our half year membership fees are actually $460 but with the 20% discount as an existing member your renewing membership fee would be only $368 for the six months saving you almost $100 off the normal price. We are not Fitness First so do not have those bags.

Cheers, Jeff


From: David Thorne
Date: Thursday 9 April 2009 10.18am
To: Jeff Peters
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Membership Renewal Due

Dear Jeff

Do I get free shipping with that?

Regards, David.



From: Jeff Peters
Date: Thursday 9 April 2009 12.48pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Membership Renewal Due

Free shipping with what? The $368 covers your membership fees for six months.


From: David Thorne
Date: Thursday 9 April 2009 2.26pm
To: Jeff Peters
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Membership Renewal Due

Dear Jeff

By the power of Greyskull that is a lot of money but I admit to being in desperate need of increasing my body strength. My ten year old child often turns the taps off in the bathroom very tightly and I have to go several days without washing. I feel bad constantly having to ask the lady from next door to come over and loosen them for me, what with her arthritis and limited wheelchair access to my apartment. To be honest, I originally joined your gym with full intentions of attending every few days but after waiting in vain for someone to offer me steroids, I began to suspect this was not going to happen and the realisation that I may have to exercise instead was, quite frankly, horrifying. My aversion to work, along with the fact one of your employees, Justin, was rather rude, telling me to 'lift this', ''push that' dulled my initial enthusiasm of becoming muscular and I stopped attending.

Regards, David.



From: Jeff Peters
Date: Friday 10 April 2009 9.17am
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Membership Renewal Due

Hello David

Not sure how to take your email, nobody here would offer you steroids, it is illegal and none of our staff would do this. Justin is one of our most experienced trainers and if you found him rude while he was trying to be helpful and just doing his job then there are plenty of other gyms you could look at joining instead.

Cheers, Jeff


From: David Thorne
Date: Friday 10 April 2009 10.02am
To: Jeff Peters
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Membership Renewal Due

Dear Jeff

Yes, I have noticed that there are many gyms in my area. I assume the low qualification requirements of fitness trainers means that there is an over supply of these buffed but essentially otherwise purposeless professionals. I knew a guy in high school who couldn't talk very well and collected sticks, he used to call the teacher 'mum' and during recess we would give him money to dance. Then sell him sticks to get our money back. He went on to become a fitness instructor so I view gyms as kind of like those factories that provide a community service by employing people with down syndrome to lick stamps and pack boxes. Except with more Spandex obviously.

Regards, David.



From: Jeff Peters
Date: Friday 10 April 2009 10.32am
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Membership Renewal Due

Go f$*k yourself.



From: David Thorne
Date: Friday 10 April 2009 11.38am
To: Jeff Peters
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Membership Renewal Due

Dear Jeff

I was, at first, quite surprised at your response; one minute you are inviting me to renew my membership and asking me for money, the next insulting me. After doing a little research however, I have learnt that mood swings are an expected side effect of steroid abuse. As another side effect is a reduction in the size of your p#$%, this gives you understandable cause to be an angry person. I have also learnt that Spandex contains carcinogenic properties so this does not bode well for yourself and your shiny friends. If I woke up one morning and my p#$% was a quarter of the size I would probably take my anger out on those around me as well. There are probably support groups or websites that could help you manage your problem more effectively and picture based books available on the subject for people with limited reading skills. When I am angry I like to Listen to music by Linkin Park. The added angst and desire to cut myself works similarly to the way firefighters fight forest fires by burning off sections, effectively canceling each other out and I find myself at peace. I understand that you guys usually listen to Pet Shop Boys or Frankie Goes to Hollywood so this may be worth a try.

Regards, David.



From: Jeff Peters
Date: Friday 10 April 2009 1.04pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Membership Renewal Due

DO NOT EMAIL ME AGAIN



From: David Thorne
Date: Friday 10 April 2009 1.15pm
To: Jeff Peters
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Membership Renewal Due

Ok.



From: Jeff Peters
Date: Friday 10 April 2009 1.25pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Membership Renewal Due

Is that you being a smartarse or agreeing not to email me again?



From: David Thorne
Date: Friday 10 April 2009 1.32pm
To: Jeff Peters
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Membership Renewal Due

The middle one.

[illdecide]

this wan sounds familiar so sorry if it's been posted b4.

Scottish water


A man's cupping his hand to scoop water from a Highland burn.

Gamekeeper shouts "Dinnae drink thon water min, its foo o' coo's shite n pish".
Man replies "My good fellow, I'm English ...repeat that in English".

Gamekeeper replies "I said use both hands - you get more that way"

[stpauls]

this wan sounds familiar so sorry if it's been posted b4.

Scottish water


A man's cupping his hand to scoop water from a Highland burn.

Gamekeeper shouts "Dinnae drink thon water min, its foo o' coo's shite n pish".
Man replies "My good fellow, I'm English ...repeat that in English".

Gamekeeper replies "I said use both hands - you get more that way"

i heard it was a Kerryman that said it in Irish the first time round. 

[ziggysego]

this wan sounds familiar so sorry if it's been posted b4.

Scottish water


A man's cupping his hand to scoop water from a Highland burn.

Gamekeeper shouts "Dinnae drink thon water min, its foo o' coo's shite n pish".
Man replies "My good fellow, I'm English ...repeat that in English".

Gamekeeper replies "I said use both hands - you get more that way"

i heard it was a Kerryman that said it in Irish the first time round. 

I've heard many many versions. Always had an Englishman at the river funnyily enough.

[armaghniac]

The oldies are the best..........



A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm, and says:
"A beer please, and one for the road."

...

Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning."
"I don't believe you," says Dolly.
"It's true; no bull!" exclaims Daisy.

...

An invisible man marries an invisible woman.
The kids were nothing to look at either.

...

Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.

...

I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day, but I couldn't find any.

...


Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were a bit cold, so they lit a fire in the craft.
It sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

...

A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt, and is named 'Ahmal.' The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him 'Juan.'
Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal.
Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal." (seen one, seen 'em all)

...

Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet.
He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath.
This made him ... erm,

A super-calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis. 

[bridgegael]

man stood on a nail at work and went to the doc to get it checked out.  doctor told him he is HIV positive.  man says "how the hell could that have happened"  doc says  "well it must have been a bent nail"

[Hardy]

An old regular in the pub was about to turn eighty, so a few of the lads decided to have a little celebration. They brought a few bottles and six packs back to his place and as the highlight of the night they organised a professional lady to come around and give him a good time. So the doorbell rings and she's standing there in a skimpy get-up that wouldn't dust a fiddle.

Helloooo, she says. Would you like some super sex?
- Wha? I'm a bit deaf - what did you say?

I said I'm here to give you super sex.
- Oh grand ... I'll have the soup.

[High Wide and Handsome]

lol lmao 

[Orior]

Restrain yourself I'lldecide

[Orior]

A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest, 'I almost had an affair with another woman.'

The priest said, 'What do you mean, almost?'

The Irishman said, 'Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped.'

The priest said, 'Rubbing together is the same as putting it in.  You're not to see that woman again.

For your penance, say five Hail Mary's and put $50 in the poor box '

The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box. He paused for a moment and then started to leave.

The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying,  'I saw that.You didn't put any money in the poor box!'

The Irishman replied, 'Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and according to you, that's the same as putting it in!'