Corny One for Friday

[Derry Dolly]

TRUE STORIES

About 20 thai lads were to meet up with a few grils last night, so yday they decided to inject baby oil into there manhood to make them bigger , There all now in with the site nurse, it must be a holy show, you couldnt make it up.

One of the lads here in office is on a dating website (hes divorced twice and 47 yrs old), he was boasting last few days how this hot girl added him as friend, so she contacted him last night and asked him to go on webcam, so he was primed, she asked him to do a few things, in the middle of the action the lad stopped and said your go, her reply, my webcams broken and I am gay man .

Apologies DD didnt see the sausage joke already posted ooops .

its ok sligonian..just dont let it happen again

[full back]

A gang of loyalist thugs stop outside a takeaway shop & ask, "are you one of us or a Fenian" , the petrified Indian panics and says "I'm from Delhi", so they kick the sh1t out of him & tell him "Its Londondehli ya Fenian bastid"

[screenmachine]

A gang of loyalist thugs stop outside a takeaway shop & ask, "are you one of us or a Fenian" , the petrified Indian panics and says "I'm from Delhi", so they kick the sh1t out of him & tell him "Its Londondehli ya Fenian bastid"

Thats perhaps the worst joke I have ever heard...

[full back]

A gang of loyalist thugs stop outside a takeaway shop & ask, "are you one of us or a Fenian" , the petrified Indian panics and says "I'm from Delhi", so they kick the sh1t out of him & tell him "Its Londondehli ya Fenian bastid"

Thats perhaps the worst joke I have ever heard...

Nonsense screen, you know you were laughing your balls off

[illdecide]

full back thats was pretty sh1t... and it's as old as tea saan

[full back]

full back thats was pretty sh1t... and it's as old as tea saan

Unless its been posted here before it is new saan

[SLIGONIAN]

TRUE STORIES

About 20 thai lads were to meet up with a few grils last night, so yday they decided to inject baby oil into there manhood to make them bigger , There all now in with the site nurse, it must be a holy show, you couldnt make it up.

One of the lads here in office is on a dating website (hes divorced twice and 47 yrs old), he was boasting last few days how this hot girl added him as friend, so she contacted him last night and asked him to go on webcam, so he was primed, she asked him to do a few things, in the middle of the action the lad stopped and said your go, her reply, my webcams broken and I am gay man .

Apologies DD didnt see the sausage joke already posted ooops .

its ok sligonian..just dont let it happen again

Not the first time a DD has kept me on the straight and narrow . thanks...

[illdecide]

A FARMER DECIDED HE WANTED TO GO TO TOWN AND SEE A MOVIE.
>
> THE TICKET AGENT ASKED, "SIR, WHAT'S THAT ON YOUR SHOULDER?"
>
> THE OLD FARMER SAID, "THAT'S MY PET ROOSTER, CHUCK. WHEREVER I GO, CHUCK GOES."
>
> "I'M SORRY SIR," SAID THE TICKET AGENT.  "WE CAN'T ALLOW ANIMALS IN
> THE THEATER."
>
> THE OLD FARMER WENT AROUND THE CORNER AND STUFFED CHUCK DOWN HIS
> OVERALLS, THEN HE RETURNED TO THE BOOTH, BOUGHT A TICKET, AND ENTERED
> THE THEATER.
>
> HE SAT DOWN NEXT TO TWO OLD WIDOWS NAMED MILDRED AND MARGE.
>
> THE MOVIE STARTED, AND THE ROOSTER BEGAN TO SQUIRM. THE OLD FARMER
> UNBUTTONED HIS FLY SO CHUCK COULD STICK HIS HEAD OUT AND WATCH THE MOVIE.
>
> "MARGE," WHISPERED MILDRED.
>
> "WHAT?" SAID MARGE.
>
> "I THINK THE GUY NEXT TO ME IS A PERVERT."
>
> "WHAT MAKES YOU THINK SO?" ASKED MARGE?
>
> "HE UNDID HIS PANTS AND HE HAS HIS THING OUT", WHISPERED MILDRED.
>
> "WELL, DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT", SAID MARGE.. "AT OUR AGE, WE'VE SEEN 'EM ALL."
>
> "I THOUGHT SO TOO", SAID MILDRED, "BUT THIS ONE'S EATIN' MY POPCORN!"

[Orior]

New Letters to VIZ magazine

* Hats off to the witty burglars who stole my entire CD collection with the exception of "There is Nothing Left to Lose" by the Foo Fighters. I hope that when sentencing, the judge takes into account their splendid sense of humour. Chris Scaife, Jesmond
 
* Imagine my shock at getting a letter from my doctor advising me I only had a month to live but thankfully the letter was not for me but for my son with the same name who lives with us. Close call, Yours

* What is it with diabetics? One minute they're on the floor with a loved one standing by screaming "Give him some chocolate! Give him some chocolate!" The next day someone offers them a piece of chocolate and quick as a flash they say "No thanks, I'm diabetic." I wish they'd get their story straight.

* I have just returned from a diplomatic trip to the Congo and I can testify that at no point did I see anyone drinking Um Bongo.

* WHY DON'T NHS bosses start hiring obsessive compulsives as nurses? Their attention to hygiene and constant hand washing would see an end to MRSA outbreaks in no time.

* Why is it that pubs won't serve me if I'm drunk, but McDonalds continue serving them fat f***ers? Its hardly fair.

* Never mind ventriloquists like Keith Harris and Roger DeCourcey. What about Professor Stephen Hawking? I saw him on telly blathering on about galaxies for hours and I never saw his lips move once. Genius

* The person who coined the phrase "as different as chalk and cheese" obviously hadn't tasted Kwik Save's cheddar.

* They say football is a game of two halves. Not for me it isn't. I regularly down eight or nine pints whilst watching a live game on Sky TV in my local.

* If, as Freddie Mercury claimed, fat bottomed girls make the rocking world go round, isn't it about time that the city of Glasgow received some recognition for its contribution to astrophysics?

* These so-called speed bumps are a joke. If anything, they slow you down

* We should remember the tremendous contribution of the Queen Mother to the war effort: as the BBC pointed out, she "bravely remained in London beside her husband" during the war. This contrasts sharply with the actions of my grandfather who, on the declaration of war immediately left his wife and children and p*ssed off, first to France , then North Africa , Italy , France (again) and finally Germany . The shame will always be with us.

* Like the Queen Mum, my grandfather was a frequent visitor to the East End during the dark days of the blitz, but he was never hailed as a hero by the people of London . That's because he flew Heinkel bombers for the Luftwaffe. Werner Hoffman, Munich .

* I would just like to say a big thank you to all those wonderful young people who stand on motorway slip roads (and in any weather) holding up boards telling us motorists where they lead to.

* Davina McCall says that dangling off a helicopter over the Grand Canyon on a 700 foot bungee rope was the most terrifying and dangerous thing she has ever done. She must be forgetting that she went out with Stan Collymore.

* So Sting is able to shag his wife for five hours without going off. I know how he feels. My wife is no oil painting either.

* I heard recently that, on average, Gordon Brown receives two turds in the post each week. What I want to know is................. who's sending the other one?

[5 Sams]

Orior's obviously a fan as am I.

VIZ can blow hot and cold but the Top Tips are consistently superb......but check out the Fat Slags in the latest edition....fcukin class...


Just thinking  ???maybe VIZ deserves a thread of its own.

[illdecide]

To Maintain A Healthy Level Of Insanity

1.At Lunch Time, Sit In Your Parked Car With Sunglasses on and point a Hair Dryer At Passing Cars. See If They Slow Down.
2.Page Yourself Over The Intercom.Don't Disguise Your Voice!
3. Every Time Someone Asks YouToDo Something,ask If They Want Fries with that.
4.Put Decaf In TheCoffee Maker For 3 Weeks. Once Everyone has Gotten Over TheirCaffeine Addictions,Switch to Espresso.
5.In the Memo Field Of All Your Cheques , Write 'For Marijuana.
6.Skipdown the hallRather Than Walkand see how many looks you get.
7.Order a Diet Water whenever you go out to eat,with a serious face.
8.Specify That Your Drive-through Order Is'To Go'.
9.Sing Along At The Opera.
10.Five Days In Advance, Tell Your Friends You Can't Attend Their Party Because Youhave a headache.
11.When The Money Comes Out The ATM, Scream'I Won! I Won!'
12.When Leaving the Zoo, Start Running towards theParking lot, Yelling'Run For Your Lives! They're Loose!'
13. Tell Your Children Over Dinner,'Due To The Economy, We Are Going To Have To Let One Of You Go.'
And The Final WayTo Keep A Healthy Level Of Insanity
14.PICK UP A BOX OF CONDOMS AT THE PHARMACY, GO TO THE COUNTER AND ASK WHERE THE FITTING ROOM IS..

[full back]

To Maintain A Healthy Level Of Insanity

1.At Lunch Time, Sit In Your Parked Car With Sunglasses on and point a Hair Dryer At Passing Cars. See If They Slow Down.
2.Page Yourself Over The Intercom.Don't Disguise Your Voice!
3. Every Time Someone Asks YouToDo Something,ask If They Want Fries with that.
4.Put Decaf In TheCoffee Maker For 3 Weeks. Once Everyone has Gotten Over TheirCaffeine Addictions,Switch to Espresso.
5.In the Memo Field Of All Your Cheques , Write 'For Marijuana.
6.Skipdown the hallRather Than Walkand see how many looks you get.
7.Order a Diet Water whenever you go out to eat,with a serious face.
8.Specify That Your Drive-through Order Is'To Go'.
9.Sing Along At The Opera.
10.Five Days In Advance, Tell Your Friends You Can't Attend Their Party Because Youhave a headache.
11.When The Money Comes Out The ATM, Scream'I Won! I Won!'
12.When Leaving the Zoo, Start Running towards theParking lot, Yelling'Run For Your Lives! They're Loose!'
13. Tell Your Children Over Dinner,'Due To The Economy, We Are Going To Have To Let One Of You Go.'
And The Final WayTo Keep A Healthy Level Of Insanity
14.PICK UP A BOX OF CONDOMS AT THE PHARMACY, GO TO THE COUNTER AND ASK WHERE THE FITTING ROOM IS..

[High Wide and Handsome]

To Maintain A Healthy Level Of Insanity

1.At Lunch Time, Sit In Your Parked Car With Sunglasses on and point a Hair Dryer At Passing Cars. See If They Slow Down.
2.Page Yourself Over The Intercom.Don't Disguise Your Voice!
3. Every Time Someone Asks YouToDo Something,ask If They Want Fries with that.
4.Put Decaf In TheCoffee Maker For 3 Weeks. Once Everyone has Gotten Over TheirCaffeine Addictions,Switch to Espresso.
5.In the Memo Field Of All Your Cheques , Write 'For Marijuana.
6.Skipdown the hallRather Than Walkand see how many looks you get.
7.Order a Diet Water whenever you go out to eat,with a serious face.
8.Specify That Your Drive-through Order Is'To Go'.
9.Sing Along At The Opera.
10.Five Days In Advance, Tell Your Friends You Can't Attend Their Party Because Youhave a headache.
11.When The Money Comes Out The ATM, Scream'I Won! I Won!'
12.When Leaving the Zoo, Start Running towards theParking lot, Yelling'Run For Your Lives! They're Loose!'
13. Tell Your Children Over Dinner,'Due To The Economy, We Are Going To Have To Let One Of You Go.'
And The Final WayTo Keep A Healthy Level Of Insanity
14.PICK UP A BOX OF CONDOMS AT THE PHARMACY, GO TO THE COUNTER AND ASK WHERE THE FITTING ROOM IS..

Agree. Feakin hilarious!!!

[illdecide]

It's the way i tell them

[stpauls]

MDB Project

There is outrage in Derry at the recent announcement by the internet giant Google that Derry is to be included in the Google Street View application. Google Street View allows users to navigate a city's streets right down at road level. The Google Street View car has already been seen travelling the streets of Derry taking pictures for it's web site.

There have been some concerns about privacy issues concerning Google Street View. When the Belfast edition was launched, it seemed that users where able to see inside police stations and identify car number plates, but Google has since removed these images.

There have been also concerns in Derry but for different reasons. 'Big'
Danny McCallion from Creggan claims that the car taking pictures may affect his career. "I do a wee few odd jobs now and then on the quiet, and then I sign on the dole as well, what if the car takes a picture of me working and then also takes a pic of me leaving the bru? It's a bloody disgrace, us Derry people are always getting picked on." said Danny.

Many people in Derry are disabled and the City has the highest level of Disability Living Allowance (DLA) claimants per 100 people in the UK.
This is evident with the number of BMW's and 4 Wheel drive jeeps in the city centre car parks that have the disabled driving badge on their window screens. Monica Bradley from Shantallow says she is worried about the affect that the Google Street View car may have on her disability. "Well I'm on the DLA for a sore arm and can't move that well. I have a wee special DLA car and I'm on a constant prescription of pain killers. But I work in a wee shop a few days a week so what if this Google car crashes into my DLA car? I'll not be able to work in my wee job. It's desperate altogether."

In the leafy Bogside there seemed to be more open minded views.
Mackers, standing outside the Bogside Inn along with several of his friends, all with their hoods up, had no concerns about the Google car taking pictures. "Lefal hi, sure I'll just keep the hood up and the Celtic scarf up round the face so they can take as many pictures as they want, I don't give a ****. As long as they don't take pictures of us torching tourist cars on William Street or lobbing bricks up at the
Fountain. You looking for any wingers then?"

Meanwhile in the notorious Ballymagroarty housing estate, there are similar concerns. 'Bally Mac', as it affectionately known by it's residents, is famous due to having in the early 1990's the highest concentration of single mothers in a housing estate in Western Europe.
Concerned mother Sharon Chelsea Jordan Doherty spoke of her concerns for the privacy of her 4 children, Kimberly, Mikado, Coconut and Treat.
"It's an f'ing disgrace, me and the 4 wains different da's are all down as separated but 2 of them still live here and 2 use my address as a dole drop so and what if the car takes a picture of them up around my house? We should have been consulted about this you know."

Paddy O'Flaherty, well known local greyhound trainer and local Sinn Fein Councillor says that Google will have a fight on their hands if they think they are going to take pictures of Derry. "Derry has got nothing over the years and we still have nothing. Belfast has got everything and gets everything. If Google think they are going to put Derry on the map then they have another thing coming." stated Paddy.

No one from Google was available for comment though they did release a statement saying that indeed Derry was due to be included in their street view plans and had a project label of MDB, but denied that this 3 letter project code was an abbreviation of 'Moaning Derry B*st*rds'.


everyone in my office just looked at me for laughing out loud at those level of insanity tips, thanks very much illdecide!