Corny One for Friday

[screenmachine]

Fascinating illdecide.  I'm just after a ship high in transport there as well...

[illdecide]

Fascinating illdecide.  I'm just after a ship high in transport there as well...

did she get around the "U bend" ok

Sounds like a 3 flusher

[gorm agus bui]

how many men does it take to plant flowers in a small bed in downpatrick?

10


i kid you not was there today and i witnessed it,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,

But did you not notice they were all wearing Kilclief jersies

[illdecide]

7 types of sex...

The 1st kind of sex is called ... Smurf Sex.
This kind of sex happens when you first meet
Someone and you both have sex until you are
Blue in the face.

The 2nd kind of sex is called ... Kitchen Sex.
This is when you have been with your partner for
A short time and you are so needy you will have
Sex anywhere, even in the kitchen.

The 3rd kind of sex is called ... Bedroom Sex.
This is when you have been with your partner for a
Long time. Your sex has gotten routine and you
Usually have sex only in your bedroom.

The 4th kind of sex is called ... Hallway Sex.
This is when you have been with your partner for too
Long. When you pass each other in the hallway you
Both say .... 'F*%k You.'

The 5th kind of sex is called ... Religious Sex.
Which means you get Nun in the morning, Nun in the
Afternoon and Nun at night. (Very Popular)

The 6th kind is called ... Courtroom Sex.
This is when you cannot stand your wife any more. She
Takes you to court and screws you in front of everyone.

And . Last ... But not least ...

The 7th kind of sex is called ... Social Security Sex.
You get a little each month. But not enough to enjoy your self.


WHAT STAGE YOU ARE IN?

[norabeag]

how many men does it take to plant flowers in a small bed in downpatrick?

10


i kid you not was there today and i witnessed it,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,

But did you not notice they were all wearing Kilclief jersies

But they weren't planting them they were stealing the bloody things

[The Real Laoislad]

7 types of sex...

The 1st kind of sex is called ... Smurf Sex.
This kind of sex happens when you first meet
Someone and you both have sex until you are
Blue in the face.

The 2nd kind of sex is called ... Kitchen Sex.
This is when you have been with your partner for
A short time and you are so needy you will have
Sex anywhere, even in the kitchen.

The 3rd kind of sex is called ... Bedroom Sex.
This is when you have been with your partner for a
Long time. Your sex has gotten routine and you
Usually have sex only in your bedroom.

The 4th kind of sex is called ... Hallway Sex.
This is when you have been with your partner for too
Long. When you pass each other in the hallway you
Both say .... 'F*%k You.'

The 5th kind of sex is called ... Religious Sex.
Which means you get Nun in the morning, Nun in the
Afternoon and Nun at night. (Very Popular)

The 6th kind is called ... Courtroom Sex.
This is when you cannot stand your wife any more. She
Takes you to court and screws you in front of everyone.

And . Last ... But not least ...

The 7th kind of sex is called ... Social Security Sex.
You get a little each month. But not enough to enjoy your self.


WHAT STAGE YOU ARE IN?

I'm at stage 5 with my fiance but I'm at stage 1 with my girlfriend 

[SLIGONIAN]

IRISH SAUSAGES

Shamus and Murphy fancied a pint or two, but didn't have a lot of money between them.  They could only raise the staggering sum of one Euro.

Murphy said 'Hang on, I have an idea.'

He went next door to the butcher's shop and came out with one large sausage.

Shamus said, 'Are you crazy ? Now we don't have any money at all !'

Murphy replied, 'Don't worry ... just follow me.'

He went into the pub where he immediately ordered two pints of Guinness and two glasses of Jamison.

Shamus said 'Now you've lost it.  Do you know how much trouble we will be in ?  We haven't got any money !!'

Murphy replied, with a smile, 'Don't worry, I have a plan.  Cheers ! '

They downed their drinks.  Murphy said, 'OK, I'll stick the sausage through my zipper and you go on your knees and put it in your mouth.'

The barman noticed them, went berserk, and threw them out.

They continued this, pub after pub, getting more and more drunk, all for free.

At the tenth pub Shamus said, 'Murphy, I don't think I can do any more of this.  I'm drunk and me knees are killing me !'

Murphy said, 'How do you think I feel ?  I can't even remember which pub I lost the sausage in.

[Derry Dolly]

check two pages back sir

[longball]

Some years ago, Paddy married an attractive woman, Maggie, half his age, in a small coastal Irish community.

After several months, Maggie complained that she had never climaxed during sex and according to her Grandmother all Irish women are entitled to a climax once in a while. So, to resolve the problem, they went to see the Veterinarian since there was no trustworthy doctor anywhere in the village. The Vet didn't have a clue, but he did recall how, during the hot summer, his mother and father would fan a cow (with a big towel) that was having difficulty breeding. This would cool her down and make her relax.

So the Vet told them to hire a strong, virile young man to wave a big towel over them while they were having sex. This, the Vet said, would cause the young wife to cool down, relax, then climax.

So the couple hired a strong young man from Dublin to wave that big towel over them as the Vet suggested. After many efforts, Maggie still had not climaxed so they went back to the Vet. The Vet said for her to change partners and let the young man have sex with her while Paddy waved the big towel.

They tried it that night and Maggie went into wild, screaming, ear-splitting climaxes, one right after the other for about two and a half hours. When it was over, Paddy looked down at the exhausted young man and in a boasting voice said: 'And that, me son, is how ya waves a fukkin' towel!'

This gets longball's stamp of approval best joke on this thread for a long time (IMO)

[Hoof Hearted]

Apologies is posted before

-------------------------------------------------------------------



This Maths Test can predict your all time most watched film. Mine was Star Wars.


Try it without looking at the answers, it works!!


Pick a number from 1-9,

Then multiply by 3,

Then add 3,

Then multiply by 3 again.


You'll get your answer by adding the 2 digits together to find your all time favourite film,
It is;



1. Gone with the wind




2. Aliens




3. Star Wars




4. Forrest Gump




5. Saving private Ryan




6. Jaws




7. Oliver




8. Grease




9. Gay Leather Clad Rent Boys Bumming Each Other in Amsterdam IV




10. Mary Poppins

[SidelineKick]

Apologies is posted before

-------------------------------------------------------------------



This Maths Test can predict your all time most watched film. Mine was Star Wars.


Try it without looking at the answers, it works!!


Pick a number from 1-9,

Then multiply by 3,

Then add 3,

Then multiply by 3 again.


You'll get your answer by adding the 2 digits together to find your all time favourite film,
It is;



1. Gone with the wind




2. Aliens




3. Star Wars




4. Forrest Gump




5. Saving private Ryan




6. Jaws




7. Oliver




8. Grease




9. Gay Leather Clad Rent Boys Bumming Each Other in Amsterdam IV




10. Mary Poppins

Didn't work for me.

Mine was Gay Leather Clad Rent Boys Bumming Each Other in Amsterdam II but it said Gay Leather Clad Rent Boys Bumming Each Other in Amsterdam IV 

[illdecide]

9 Months Later....

Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. So theyloaded upJack's minivan and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard.   


They pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.

'I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed,' she explained. 'I'm afraid the neighbours will talk if I let you stay in my house.'

'Don't worry,' Jack said. 'We'll be happy to sleepin the barn, and if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light.' The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night.


Come morning, the weather had cleared,and they got on their way.
They enjoyed a great weekend ofskiing.


But about nine months later, Jack got an unexpected
letter from an attorney.


It took him a few minutes to figure it out,but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met
on the ski weekend.

He dropped in on his friend Boband asked,'Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up north about 9 months ago?'


'Yes, I do.' said Bob


'Did you, er, happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?'

'Well, um, yes !,' Bob said, a little embarrassed about being found out, 'I have to admit that I did.'


'And did you happen to give her my name instead
of telling her your name?'


Bob's face turned beet red and he said, 'Yeah, look, I'm sorry, buddy, I'm afraid I did.' 'Why do you ask?'


'She just died and left me everything.'



(And you thought the ending would be different,
didn't you?....

[illdecide]

After getting all of Pope Benedict's luggage loaded into the limo, (and
he doesn't travel light), the driver notices that the Pope is still
standing on the kerb.

"Excuse me, Your Holiness," says the driver, "Would you please take your
seat so we can leave?"
"Well, to tell you the truth," says the Pope, "they never let me drive
at the Vatican, and I'd really like to drive today."

"I'm sorry but I cannot let you do that. I'd lose my job! And what if
something should happen?" protests the driver, wishing he'd never gone
to work that morning.

"There might be something extra in it for you," says the Pope.
Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the Pope climbs in behind
the wheel.
The driver quickly regrets his decision when, after exiting the airport,
the Pontiff floors it, accelerating the limo to 105 mph.

"Please slow down, Your Holiness!!!" pleads the worried driver, but the
Pope keeps the pedal to the metal until they hear sirens.
"Oh, dear God, I'm gonna lose my license," moans the driver.
The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the cop approaches but
the cop takes one look at him, goes back to his motorcycle, and gets on
the radio

"I need to talk to the Chief," he says to the dispatcher. The Chief gets
on the radio and the cop tells him that he's stopped a limo going a
hundredand five.

"So bust him," says the Chief.
"I don't think we want to do that, he's really important,"
said the cop. The Chief exclaimed, "All the more reason!"
"No, I mean really important," said the cop.
The Chief then asked, "Who ya got there, the Mayor?"
Cop: "Bigger."
Chief: "Governor?"
Cop: "Bigger."
"Well," said the Chief, "Who is it?"
Cop: "I think it's God!"
Chief: "What makes you think it's God?"
Cop: "He's got the f***ing Pope as a chauffeur!!"

[High Wide and Handsome]

Good true story.


After leaving the pub I was well oiled on a sunday nite and started to walk home. I was then lifted by a respectable member of society who usually would not be so fortcoming but decided to let me in on a wee secret.

Conversation as follows,

Well lad hows the form.

Me- Not to bad hi. Just in for a few to take the edge of last nite. Going home here now to hit the hay.

f**k i wish i was young again to be able to do that.

Me- Ah f**k it hi let the hair down.

(mOMENT F SILENCE)

Then the driver starts to fidget with his trousers and I slightly worry.

Here lad I cant wait til get home.

(Me thinking he has shit himself)

Me- Ok

I cant wait til get home ................. and get the wifes knickers off!!

(I turn bright purple out of sheer embarrassment and nod)

Me Ah rite fair play fella!

AYE CANT WAIT TIL GET HOME AND GET MY WIFES KNICKERS OFF!!!!!!!!! THEY ARE FUCKIN KILLIN ME!!!


Think i ended up near shittin myself with laughter!

[SLIGONIAN]

TRUE STORIES

About 20 thai lads were to meet up with a few grils last night, so yday they decided to inject baby oil into there manhood to make them bigger , There all now in with the site nurse, it must be a holy show, you couldnt make it up.

One of the lads here in office is on a dating website (hes divorced twice and 47 yrs old), he was boasting last few days how this hot girl added him as friend, so she contacted him last night and asked him to go on webcam, so he was primed, she asked him to do a few things, in the middle of the action the lad stopped and said your go, her reply, my webcams broken and I am gay man .

Apologies DD didnt see the sausage joke already posted ooops .