Corny One for Friday

[Derry Dolly]

The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a
surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was
to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, 'Well, I'm off
now. The man should be here soon.'
Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer
happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. 'Good morning,
Ma'am', he said, 'I've come to...'  'Oh, no need to explain,' Mrs.
Smith cut in, embarrassed, 'I've been expecting you.'

'Have you really?' said the photographer. 'Well, that's good. Did you
know babies are my specialty? '
'Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a
seat'.
After a moment she asked, blushing, 'Well, where do we start?'
'Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the
couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed.
And sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there.'
'Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and me!'
'Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we
try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles,
I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results.'
'My, that's a lot!', gasped Mrs. Smith.

'Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be In
and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that.'
'Don't I know it,' said Mrs. Smith quietly.
The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his
baby pictures. 'This was done on the top of a bus,' he said.
'Oh, my word!' Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat.
'And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider their
mother was so difficult to work with.'   'She was difficult?' asked Mrs. Smith.

'Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the
job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a
good look'
'Four and five deep?' said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement.
'Yes', the photographer replied.  'And for more than three hours, too.
The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly
concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots.
Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I
just had to pack it all in.'
Mrs. Smith leaned forward. 'Do you mean they actually chewed on your,
uh...equipment?'
'It's true, Ma'am, yes.. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod
and we can get to work right away.'

'Tripod?'
'Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much
too big to be held in the hand very long.'
Mrs. Smith fainted

[Derry Dolly]

 6 Reasons Not to Mess with Children.

(1)
A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales.
The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal, its throat was very small.
The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.

Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.
The little girl said, "When I get to heaven, I will ask Jonah."
The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?"
The little girl replied, "Then you ask him."

(2)

A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing.
She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work.
As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was.
The girl replied, "I'm drawing God."
The teacher paused and said, "But no one knows what God looks like."
Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, "They will in a minute."

(3)

A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds.
After explaining the commandment to "honour" thy Father and thy Mother, she asked, "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?"
Without missing a beat one little boy, the oldest of a family, answered, "Thou shall not kill."

(4)

The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture.
"Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer, she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, He's a doctor'."
A small voice at the back of the room rang out, "And there's the teacher, she's dead."

(5)

A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, "Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know would run into it, and I would turn red in the face."
"Yes," the class said
"Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position, the blood doesn't run into my feet?"
A little fellow shouted,
"Cause your feet ain't empty."

(6)   
The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray:
"Take only ONE. God is watching"
Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies.
A child had written a note, "Take all you want. God is watching the apples."

   

[illdecide]

 Paddy & Mick go to London to donate sperm. It was a disaster! Paddy missed the tube & Mick came on the bus!!

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A Muslim was sitting next to Paddy on a plane. Paddy odered a whiskey. The stewardess asked the Muslim if he'd like a drink.

He replied in disgust 'I'd rather be raped by a dozen hookers than let liquor touch my lips!'

Paddy handed his drink back & said 'Me too, I didnt know we had a choice!'

------------------------------------------------------------------------
Paddy calls Easyjet to book a flight. The operator asks
'How many people are flying with you?'

Paddy replies 'I dont know! Its your f***ing plane!!'

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Paddy & Murphy are working on a building site. Paddy says to Murphy 'Im gonna have the day off, Im gonna prtend Im mad!'

He climbs up the rafters , hangs upside down & shouts 'I'M A LIGHTBULB! I'M A LIGHTBULB!' Murphy watches in amazement!

The Foreman shouts 'Paddy you're mad, go home' So he leaves the site.

Murphy starts packing his kit up to leave as well.

'Where the hell are you going?' asks the Foreman.

'I cant work in the friggin dark! ' says Murphy.

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Two Irish couples decided to swap partners for the night. After 3 hours of amazing s ** Paddy says 'I wonder how the girls are getting on'

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Paddy takes his new wife to bed on their wedding night. She undresses & lies on the bed spreadeagled & says 'You know what I want dont you?'

'Yeah,' says Paddy. 'The whole friggin bed by the looks of it!'

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Paddy the electrician got sacked from the U.S. prison service for not servicing the electric chair. He said in his professional opinion it was a death trap!

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Paddy's chat up lines:

1. Did ya fart? 'Cos ya just blew me away!
2. Are your parents babeed? 'Cos your special!
3. My love for you is like diarrhoea. I just cant hold it in!
4. Is there a mirror in your knickers? 'Cos I can see myself in them!
5. Your body reminds me of a spanner. Evertime I think of you my nuts tighten up!
6. You might not be the best looking girl in here, but beauty is only a light switch away!

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Paddy, the Irish boyfriend of the woman whos head was found on Arbroath beach was asked to identify her. A detective held up the head to which point Paddy said 'I dont think thats her, she wasnt that tall!'

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Paddy & his wife are lying in bed & the neighbours dog is barking like mad in the garden. Paddy says 'To hell with this!' & storms off.

He comes back upstairs 5 mins later & his wife asks 'What did you do?'

Paddy replies 'Ive put the dog in our garden, lets see how they like it!'

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An Irishman is shagging a Jewish girl & says 'You're not very tight for a Jew!'

She says 'Well you're not very thick for a Paddy!'

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Paddy is said to be shocked at finding out all his cows have Bluetongue. 'Be Jeysus!' he said, 'I didnt even know they had mobile phones!'

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Mick & Paddy are reading head stones at a nearby cemetery. Mick say 'Crikey! Theres a bloke here who was 152!'

Paddy says 'Whats his name?'

Mick replies 'Miles from London !'

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An Irishman is rowing his boat in a field of hay. Paddy drives past & stops. He looks at the Irishman in the boat & shouts 'Its thick c**ts like you that give us Irish a bad name! I'd come over there & kick the f**k out of you if I could swim!'

[Orior]

Some years ago, Paddy married an attractive woman, Maggie, half his age, in a small coastal Irish community.

After several months, Maggie complained that she had never climaxed during sex and according to her Grandmother all Irish women are entitled to a climax once in a while. So, to resolve the problem, they went to see the Veterinarian since there was no trustworthy doctor anywhere in the village. The Vet didn't have a clue, but he did recall how, during the hot summer, his mother and father would fan a cow (with a big towel) that was having difficulty breeding. This would cool her down and make her relax.

So the Vet told them to hire a strong, virile young man to wave a big towel over them while they were having sex. This, the Vet said, would cause the young wife to cool down, relax, then climax.

So the couple hired a strong young man from Dublin to wave that big towel over them as the Vet suggested. After many efforts, Maggie still had not climaxed so they went back to the Vet. The Vet said for her to change partners and let the young man have sex with her while Paddy waved the big towel.

They tried it that night and Maggie went into wild, screaming, ear-splitting climaxes, one right after the other for about two and a half hours. When it was over, Paddy looked down at the exhausted young man and in a boasting voice said: 'And that, me son, is how ya waves a fukkin' towel!'

[RMDrive]

I quit my job at the Helium factory. I just wasn't going to be spoken to in that tone of voice.

[illdecide]

David  Letterman's Top Ten Reasons 
Why  Golf Is Better Than  Sex..... 

#10...  A below par performance 
is  considered damn good.

#9...  You can stop in the middle 
and  have a cheeseburger
and  a couple of beers.

#8....  It's much easier to 
find  the sweet spot.

#7..  Foursomes are encouraged.

#6...  You can still make money 
doing  it as a senior.

#5...  Three times a day is possible

#4...  Your partner doesn't hire 
a  lawyer  if you play with someone else.

#3...  If you live in Florida, you 
can do it almost  everyday.

#2...  You don't have to cuddle 
with  your partner  when you're finished.

And  the NUMBER ONE reason why golf is better than  sex.... 


#1..  If your equipment gets old 
and  rusty, you can replace it!

[JohnMitchellInman]

NINE WORDS WOMEN USE

(1) Fine: This is the word women use to end an argument when they are
right and you need to shut up.


(2) Five Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour.
Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more
minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.


(3) Nothing: This is the calm before the storm. This means something,
and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing
usually end in fine..


(4) Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!


(5) Loud Sigh: This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement
often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an
idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing
with you about nothing.. (Refer back to # 3 for the meaning of nothing.)


(6) That's Okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements a women
can make to a man. That's okay means she wants to think long and hard
before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.


(7) Thanks: A woman is thanking you, do not question, or faint. Just say
you're welcome. (I want to add in a clause here - This is true, unless
she says 'Thanks a lot' - that is PURE sarcasm and she is not thanking
you at all. DO NOT say 'you're welcome' . that will bring on a
'whatever').


8 Whatever: Is a woman's way of saying F-- YOU!


(9) Don't worry about it, I'll do it: Another dangerous statement,
meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several
times, but is now doing herself. This will later result in a man asking
'What's wrong?' For the woman's response refer to # 3.

[leenie]

how many men does it take to plant flowers in a small bed in downpatrick?

10


i kid you not was there today and i witnessed it,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,

[Orior]

how many men does it take to plant flowers in a small bed in downpatrick?

10


i kid you not was there today and i witnessed it,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,

And were you in the bed at the time?

[leenie]

how many men does it take to plant flowers in a small bed in downpatrick?

10


i kid you not was there today and i witnessed it,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,

And were you in the bed at the time?

your not as slow as ya walk easy!!!!!

[downgirl]

What were you in Downpatrick for Leenie?

[downgirl]

Borisky and Petoski are two Polish beggars.
> They beg in different areas of town.
> Borisky begs just as long as Petoski but only collects 2 or 3 euros
> every day.
> However, Petoski brings home a suitcase FULL of EUR10 notes, drives a
> Mercedes, lives in a mortgage free house and has a lot of money to
> spend.
> Borisky says to Petoski, 'I work just as long and hard as you do but
> how do you bring home a suitcase full of EUR10 notes every day?'.
> Petoski says, 'Look at your sign, what does it say?'
> Borisky's sign reads, 'I have no work, a wife and 6 kids to support.'
> Petoski says, ' No wonder you only get EUR3.00'
> Borisky says,
> 'So what does your sign say?' Petoski shows Borisky his sign.
> It reads,
> 'I only need another EUR10.00 to move back to Poland

[leenie]

just work related

[Over the Bar]

Did ye hear about the 4 Musketeers from Anfield?

Won 4-1 and won f*ck-all! 

[illdecide]

Manure... An interesting fact

Manure: In the 16th and 17th centuries, everything had to be
transported by ship, and it was also before commercial fertilizers
were invented, so large shipments of manure were common.

It was shipped dry, because in dry form it weighed a lot less than
when wet, but once water (at sea) hit it, it not only became
heavier, but the process of fermentation began again, of which a by-product
is methane gas. As the stuff was stored below decks in
bundles you can see what could (and did) happen.

Methane began to build up below decks and the first time someone
came below at night with a lantern, BOOOOM!

Several ships were destroyed in this manner before it was
determined just what was happening

After that, the bundles of manure were always stamped with the term
"Ship High In Transit" on them, which meant for the sailors to stow
it high enough off the lower decks so that any water that came into
the hold would not touch this volatile cargo and start the
production of methane.

Thus evolved the term " S.H.I.T " (Ship High In Transport), which
has come down through the centuries and is in use to this very day.

You probably did not know the true history of this word.

Neither did I.