Corny One for Friday

[Bud Wiser]

Dub In A Pub.     Young son goes down to the pub and puts his head in the door and says "Da, I came down to tell you that I have got the leading part in the School Play" and da say's, "and what is the play about?"   Son say's , its about a couple who have been married for twenty five years and the Da say's, " good man, keep going to the classes and you might get a part with talking in it" 

[illdecide]

Stevie Wonder and Tiger Woods are in a bar. Tiger turns to Stevie and says, 'How's the singing career going?'
Stevie replies, 'Not too bad. How's the golf?'
Woods replies, 'Not too bad, I've had some problems with my swing, but I think I've got that right, now.'
Stevie says, 'I always find that when my swing goes wrong, I need to stop playing for a while and not think about it. Then, the next time I play, it seems to be all right.'

Tiger says, 'You play GOLF?'

Stevie says, 'Yes, I've been playing for years'.

Tiger says, 'But -- you're blind! How can you play golf if you can't see?'

Stevie Wonder replies, 'Well, I get my caddy to stand in the middle of the fairway and call to me. I listen for the sound of his voice and play the ball towards him. Then, when I get to where the ball lands, the caddy moves to the green or farther down the fairway and again I play the ball towards his voice.'

'But, how do you putt?' asks Tiger

'Well', says Stevie, 'I get my caddy to lean down in front of the hole and call to me with his head on the ground and I just play the ball towards his voice..'

Tiger asks, 'What's your handicap?'

Stevie says, 'Well, actually -- I'm a scratch golfer.'

Woods, incredulous, says to Stevie, 'We've got to play a round sometime.'

Stevie replies, 'Well, people don't take me seriously, so I only play for money, and never play for less than $10,000 a hole. That a problem?'
Woods thinks about it and says, ' I can afford that,  OK, I'm game for that. $10,000 a hole is fine with me. When would you like to play?'

Stevie Wonder says, 'Pick a night'.

[downgirl]

The Ferrari Formula 1 team fired their entire pit crew yesterday.
> -
> The announcement followed Ferrari's decision to take advantage of the
> UK Government's Youth Opportunity Scheme and employ people from the
> Falls and the Shankill.
>
> The decision to hire them followed a recent documentary on how
> unemployed youths from the Falls and Shankill areas of Belfast were
> able to remove a set of wheels in less than 6 seconds without proper
> equipment, whereas Ferrari's existing crew can only do it in 8 seconds
> with millions of euros worth of high tech equipment.
>
> Prime Minister Gordon Brown went on record as saying this was a bold
> move by the Ferrari management which demonstrated the international
> recognition of the UK under New Labour.
>
> As most races are won and lost in the pits, Ferrari thought they had
> the advantage over every team.
>
> However, Ferrari got more than they bargained for. At the first
> practice session, the Falls and Shankillpit crew successfully changed
> the tyres in less than 6 seconds, but within 12 seconds they had
> re-sprayed, re-badged and sold the vehicle to the McLaren team for 8
> bottles of Carlsberg Special, 50 ecstasy tablets and some photos of
> Lewis Hamilton's bird in the shower.

[SidelineKick]

I once went into a shop and asked for a packet of helicopter flavour crisps.

The lady behind the counter said they didnt have any.

So I asked for plain flavour instead. *





* Orior is gonna flip!

[johnneycool]

A father walks into a restaurant with his young son ... He gives the young boy 3 ten pence pieces to play with to keep him occupied. Suddenly, the boy starts choking, going blue in the face. The father realizes the boy has swallowed the coins and starts slapping him on the back. The boy coughs up 2 of the coins, but keeps choking. Looking at his son, the father is panicking, shouting for help.

A well dressed, attractive, and serious looking woman, in a blue business suit is sitting at a coffee bar reading a newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee. At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down, neatly folds the newspaper and places it on the counter, gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across the restaurant. Reaching the boy, the woman carefully drops his pants; takes hold of the boy's' testicles and starts to squeeze and twist, gently at first and then ever so firmly. After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the last coin, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand.

Releasing the boy's testicles, the woman hands the coin to the father and walks back to her seat at the coffee bar without saying a word. As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no ill effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying, "I've never seen anybody do anything like that before. It was fantastic. Are you a doctor? "

"No," the woman replied. "I'm with the CSA" (Child Support Agency).

[illdecide]

Morris and his wife Esther went to the state fair every year,
And every year Morris would say,
'Esther,I'd like to ride in that helicopter..'
;
Esther always replied,
'I know Morris, but that helicopter ride is fifty dollars,
And fifty dollars is fifty dollars'

One year Esther and Morris went to the fair, and Morris said,
'Esther, I'm 85 years old.
If I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance.'
To this, Esther replied,
'Morris that helicopter ride is fifty dollars, and fifty dollars is fifty dollars.'

The pilot overheard the couple and said,
'Folks I'll make you a deal. I'll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and don't say a word I won't charge you a penny!
But if you say one word it's fifty dollars.'

Morris and Esther agreed and up they went.
The pilot did all kinds of fancy maneuvers, but not a word was heard.
He did his daredevil tricks over and over again,
But still not a word.

When they landed, the pilot turned to Morris and said,
'By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't.
I'm impressed!'

Morris replied,
'Well, to tell you the truth,
I almost said something when Esther fell out,
But you know,
fifty dollars is fifty dollars!

[Orior]

As a bagpiper, I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man who had no family or friends.

The funeral was to be held at a cemetery in the remote countryside and this man would be the first to be laid to rest there.

As I was not familiar with the backwoods area, I became lost and being a typical man, did not stop for directions.
 
I finally arrived an hour late. I saw the backhoe and the crew who were eating lunch but the hearse was nowhere in sight.

I apologized to the workers for my tardiness and stepped to the side of the open grave where I saw the vault lid already in place.

I assured the workers I would not hold them up for long but this was the proper thing to do.
 
The workers gathered around, still eating their lunch.
 
I played out my heart and soul. As I played the workers began to weep. I played and I played like I'd never played before, from Going Home and The Lord is My Shepherd to Flowers of the Forest . I closed the lengthy session with Amazing Grace and walked to my car.

As I was opening the door and taking off my coat, I overheard one of the workers saying to another, "Sweet Jazuz, Mary'n Joseph, I never seen nothin' like that before  and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years."

[illdecide]

I'm pretty sure these have been posted b4 (couldn't find them). they're that good here they are again


VERY BRAVE MAN JOKES ---

How do you turn a fox into an elephant?
Marry It!

What is the difference between a battery and a woman?
A battery has a positive side.

What are the three fastest means of communication?
1) Television
2) Telephone
3) Telawoman

How are fat girls and mopeds alike?
They're both fun to ride until your friends find out.

What should you give a woman who has everything?
A man to show her how to work it.

Why is the space between a woman's breasts and her hips called a waist?
Because you could easily fit another pair of tits in there.

How do you make 5 pounds of fat look good?
Put a nipple on it.

Why do women rub their eyes when they wake up?
Because they don't have balls to scratch.

Why do women fake orgasms ?
Because they think men care.

What do you say to a woman with 2 black eyes?
Nothing, she's been told twice already.

If your wife keeps coming out of the kitchen to nag at you, what have you done wrong?
Made her chain too long

How many men does it take to open a beer?
None, it should be opened when she brings it.

Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably 
never be able to support you.

Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It's one of those 'evolutionary things' that allows them to stand closer 
to the kitchen sink.

How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
When she starts a sentence with 'A man once told me...'

How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't. There is a clock on the oven.

Why do men pass gas more than women?
Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required pressure.

If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
The dog, of course, he'll shut up once you let him in.

What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
A woman who won't do what she's told

I married a Miss Right.
I just didn't know her first name was Always.

Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%..
It's called a Wedding Cake.

Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.

Women will never be equal to men..
Until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.

[longrunsthefox]

I'm pretty sure these have been posted b4 (couldn't find them). they're that good here they are again


VERY BRAVE MAN JOKES ---

How do you turn a fox into an elephant?
Marry It!

fec off!

[Orior]

How to screw in a light bulb....

[illdecide]

A Glasgow man walks into a bank in Glasgow and asks for the loan officer.
He tells the loan officer that he is going to Australia on business
for two weeks and needs to borrow £5,000.

The bank officer tells him that the bank
will need some form of security for the loan,
so the Glasgow lad hands over the keys
and documents of new Ferrari parked
on the street in front of the bank.
He produces the Log Book and everything checks out.
The loan officer agrees to accept
the car as collateral for the loan.

The bank's Manager and its officers
all enjoy a good laugh at the rough looking Glaswegian
for using a £120,000 Ferrari
as collateral against a £5000 loan.
An employee of the bank then
drives the Ferrari into the bank's
underground garage and parks it there.

Two weeks later, the Glaswegian returns,
repays the £5,000 and the interest,
which comes to £15.41.
The loan officer says,
"Sir, we are very happy to have had your business,
and this transaction has worked out very nicely,
but we are a little puzzled.
While you were away,
we checked you out and found that you are a multi millionaire.
What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow "£5,000" ?


The Glaswegian replies:

"Where else in Glasgow can I park my car
for two weeks for only £15.41
and expect it to be there when I return'"


Ah, the mind of the Glaswegian....
This is why we survive

[illdecide]

The Snake and the Bunny
Once upon a time, in a nice little forest, there lived an orphaned bunny
and an orphaned snake.

By a surprising coincidence, both were blind from birth. One day, the bunny
was hopping through the forest,and the snake was slithering through the
forest, when the bunny tripped over the snake and fell down. This,of
course, knocked the snake about quite a bit. 'Oh, my,' said the bunny,

'I'm terribly sorry. I didn't mean to hurt you. I've been blind since
birth, so, I can't see where I'm going. In fact, since I'm also an orphan,I
don't even know what I am.'

It's quite OK,' replied the snake. 'Actually, my story is as yours. I too
have been blind since birth,and also never knew my mother. Tell you what,
maybe I could slither all over you , and work out what you are so at
least you'll have that going for you.'

'Oh, that would be wonderful' replied the bunny. So the snake slithered all
over the bunny, and said, 'Well, you're covered with soft fur, you have
really long ears, your nose twitches, and you have a soft cottony
tail. I'd say that you must be a bunny rabbit.'

'Oh, thank you, thank you,' cried the bunny, in obvious excitement. The
bunny suggested to the snake, 'Maybe I could feel you all over with my paw,
and help you the same way that you've helped me.'

So the bunny felt the snake all over, and remarked, 'Well, you're smooth
and slippery, and you have a forked tongue, no backbone and no balls.

I'd say you must be either a team leader, supervisor or possibly someone in
senior management.'

[Orior]

Q. Why did the Chicken cross the road?
A. Because the Russians were setting fire to his house, LOL LOL
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
hang on
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
wait a minute
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
I meant Chechen, not chicken.

[SidelineKick]

Thanks Lee Mack 

[Yes I Would]

IRISH  SAUSAGES

Shamus  and Murphy fancied a pint or two but didn't have a lot of money between them,  they could only raise the staggering sum of one  Euro.

Murphysaid 'Hang on, I have an  idea.'

He  went next door to the butcher's shop and came out with one large  sausage.

Shamus  said 'Are you crazy? Now we don't have any money at  all!'

Murphyreplied, 'Don't worry - just follow  me.'

He  went into the pub where he immediately ordered two pints
of Guinnessand two glasses of Jamieson Whisky.

Shamus  said 'Now you've lost it. Do you know how much trouble we will be in? We haven't  got any money!!'

Murphyreplied, with a smile. 'Don't worry, I have a plan ,  Cheers! '

They  downed their Drinks. Murphysaid, 'OK, I'll stick the  sausage through my zipper and you go on your knees and put it in your  mouth.'

The  barman noticed them, went berserk, and threw them  out.

They  continued this, pub after pub, getting more and more drunk, all for  free.

At  the tenth pub Shamus said 'Murphy - I don't think I can do any more of this. I'm  drunk and me knees are killing me!'


Murphy   said, 'How do you think I feel? I can't even remember  which pub I lost the sausage in.'