Corny One for Friday

[gerry]

I have just been on my sat nav to try and find Chelsea. Apparently its 2 mins from Rome.

Why do women love Chelsea?

They can stay on top for ninety minutes and still come second!

A Chelsea fan walks into a Library and asks for a book on Penalties.

The Librarian says f**k off you ain't getting one!

John Terry has been quoted as saying he feels Chelsea were robbed against Barcelona.

Marks & Spencers have said "Now he knows how we feel when his mum has been in store".

[gerry]

Police have confirmed that two Premier League footballers had their houses broken into last night.

Ryan giggs has lost;
- 70 Wales Caps
- 10 FA Premier League Winners Medals
- 2 UEFA Champions League Winners Medals
- 1 UEFA European Cup Winners Cup Winners Medal
- 5 FA Cup Winners Medals
- 1 Football League Cup Winners Medal
- 2 World Club Cup Winners Medals
- 8 FA Charity Shield/FA Community Shield Winners Medals
- 1 UEFA Super Cup Winners Medal

Emmanuel Adebayor has lost a kettle and a toaster.

[armaghniac]

Nice to have the same joke, albeit better formatted, on the same page.

[Santino]

Whats the difference between jam and marmalade?
You can't marmalade your c#ck up a womans a#s!

[DrinkingHarp]

What did they really dumb tribesman name his pet Zebra?   Spot

What is the quietest place on earth?   The complaint department at the parachute packing plant


My nephew told me these, not bad for a 12yo.

[RedandGreenSniper]

What did they really dumb tribesman name his pet Zebra?   Spot

What is the quietest place on earth?   The complaint department at the parachute packing plant


My nephew told me these, not bad for a 12yo.

Not great either

[Armaghtothebone]

Police have confirmed that 2 Premiership footballers had their houses burgled on the same night. Ryan Giggs lost 70 Wales caps,10 premership medals 2 Champions League, 1 European cup winners, 5 FA Cup, 1 League Cup, 2 World club champions, 8 Charity shield and 1 Super cup medals. fernando torres has lost a kettle and a toaster.

TORRES WAS REPORTED TO BE DISTRAUGHT AT THE LOSS OF HIS EUROPEAN CHAMPIONSHIP MEDAL!!!!!

[Caid]

Suspicious car found at Liverpool John Lennon Airport.

Apparantly it was taxed, insured and still had the radio in it

[illdecide]

> The Hair Dryer
>
>
> A distinguished young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the Priest
> beside her, "Father, may I ask a favour?"
>
> "Of course. What may I do for you?"
>
> "Well, I bought an expensive woman's electronic hair dryer for my
> mother's birthday that is unopened and well over the Customs limits, and
> I'm afraid they'll confiscate it.
> Is there any way you could carry it through Customs for me? Under your
> robes perhaps?"
>
> "I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie."
>
> "With your honest face, Father, no one will question you."
>
> When they got to Customs, she let the priest go ahead of her.
>
> The official asked, "Father, do you have anything to declare?"
>
> "From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare."
>
> The official thought this answer strange, so asked, "And what do you
> have to declare from your waist to the floor?"
>
> "I have a marvellous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but
> which is, to date, unused."
>
> Roaring with laughter, the official said, "Go ahead, Father. Next!"

[illdecide]

> ONE FOR THE BOYS..
>
> Mick was attending his 4wd club's monthly meeting and had just told them
> he couldn't make the upcoming Innamincka trip because his missus
> wouldn't let him go.
>
>
> After copping the under the thumb remarks and other derisive remarks
> Mick left to go back home to the missus.
>
>
> When Mick's mates started arriving to set up camp at Innamincka common
> the following week who should be there but Mick sitting up in front of
> the Cooper , swag rolled out , fishing rod in hand, camp oven roast
> stewing away in a hot bed of Coolabah coals.
>
>
> " How did ya talk ya missus into letting you go Mick?""
>
>
> I didn't have to ," was Mick's reply.
>
>
> " When I left the meeting I went home and slumped down in my chair with
> a beer to drown my sorrows. Then the missus snuck up behind me and
> covered my eyes and said, " Surprise "
>
>
> When I peeled her hands back she was standing there in a beautiful see
> through negligee and she said , ' Carry me into the bedroom, tie me to
> the bed and you can do what ever you want .'
>
>
> SO HERE I AM !
>
>
> Cheers

[illdecide]

This one sounds familiar so it may well have been posted b4


First time sex

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night to meet, and have dinner
with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to
her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love
for the first time.





The boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip
to the pharmacist
to get some condoms. He tells the pharmacist it's his first time and the
pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour.





He tells the boy everything there is to know about
condoms and sex.

At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like
to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack.



The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather
busy, it being his first time and all.

That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house and meets his
girlfriend at the door. 'Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents,
come on in!'





The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents
are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head.

A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down.


10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy.

Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over
and whispers to the boyfriend, 'I had no idea you were this religious.'


The boy turns, and whispers back, 'I had no idea your father was a pharmacist.'

[longball]

So what if Jesus turned water into wine...I turned a whole student loan into Vodka once.

Your move Jesus...

[illdecide]

I assume these complaints came from the Brits...lol

(Survey by Thomas Cook and ABTA)
 
 
"I think it should be explained in the brochure that the local store does not sell proper biscuits like custard creams or ginger nuts."

 
"It's lazy of the local shopkeepers to close in the afternoons. I often needed to buy things during 'siesta' time - this should be banned."
 

"On my holiday to Goa in India , I was disgusted to find that almost every restaurant served curry. I don't like spicy food at all."
 
 
"We booked an excursion to a water park but no-one told us we had to bring our swimming costumes and towels."
 
 
A tourist at a top African game lodge overlooking a waterhole, who spotted a visibly aroused elephant, complained that the sight of this
rampant beast ruined his honeymoon by making him feel "inadequate".

 
A woman threatened to call police after claiming that she'd been locked in by staff. When in fact, she had mistaken the "do not disturb" sign
on the back of the door as a warning to remain in the room.
 
 
"The beach was too sandy."
 
 
"We found the sand was not like the sand in the brochure. Your brochure shows the sand as yellow but it was white."
 
 
A guest at a Novotel in Australia complained his soup was too thick and strong. He was inadvertently slurping the gravy at the time.
 
 
"Topless sunbathing on the beach should be banned. The holiday was ruined as my husband spent all day looking at other women."
 
 
"We bought 'Ray-Ban' sunglasses for five Euros (£3.50) from a street trader, only to find out they were fake."
 
 
"No-one told us there would be fish in the sea. The children were startled."
 
"It took us nine hours to fly home from Jamaica to England, yet it only took the Americans three hours to get home."
 
 
"I compared the size of our one-bedroom apartment to our friends' three-bedroom apartment and ours was significantly smaller."
 
 
"The brochure stated: 'No hairdressers at the accommodation'. We're trainee hairdressers - will we be OK staying here?"
 
 
"There are too many Spanish people. The receptionist speaks Spanish. The food is Spanish. Too many ** foreigners."
 
 
"We had to queue outside with no air conditioning."
 
 
"It is your duty as a tour operator to advise us of noisy or unruly guests before we travel."
 
 
"I was bitten by a mosquito - no-one said they could bite."
 
 
"My fiancé and I booked a twin-bedded room but we were placed in a double-bedded room. We now hold you responsible for the fact that I
find myself pregnant. This would not have happened if you had put us in the room that we booked."

[longrunsthefox]

I went in to a pet shop. I said, "Can I buy a goldfish?" The guy said, "Do you want an aquarium?" I said, "I don't care what star sign it is."

My mate is in love with two schoolbags. He's bi-satchel.

I met the bloke who invented crosswords today. I can't remember his name, it's P something T something R

I phoned the local ramblers club today, and this bloke just went on and on.

I was in the jungle and there was this monkey with a tin opener. I said, "You don't need a tin opener to peel a banana." He said, "No, this is for the custard."

This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin paper. He said, "I want you to trace someone for me."

I told my mum that I'd opened a theatre She said, "Are you having me on?" I said, "Well I'll give you an audition, but I'm not promising you anything."

I phoned the local builders today, I said to them "Can I have a skip outside my house?" He said, "I'm not stopping you!"

I visited the offices of the RSPCA today. It's tiny: you couldn't swing a cat in there.

I was stealing things in the supermarket today while balanced on the shoulders of vampires. I was charged with shoplifting on three counts.

I bought a train ticket and the ticket seller said "Eurostar" I said "Well I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin.

I phoned the local gym and I asked if they could teach me how to do the splits. He said, "How flexible are you?" I said, "I can't make Tuesdays or Thursdays."

[illdecide]

Teacher asks the class to name things that eat things...1st guy up says "alligator", very good thats a big word. 2nd boy says "Predator", very good, thats another big word. the 3rd guy says "vibarator miss", thats a big word but it doesn't eat anything!!!. "Well my sister has one and she says it eats batteries"