Corny One for Friday

[ziggysego]

Tyrone Dictionary
>
> Cyat/Cyar etc - cat/car: 'feed that cyat wud ye!'
>
> Paturl - 'put some paturl in that cyar'
>
> Aeeigh (said while breathing in) - Usually said to affirm a statement or simply to break an awkward silence
>
> Next nor near it - close to something: 'I cudn't get parked next nor near it'
>
> Red up - Tidy up
>
> Kyip - A messy place: 'Red up that kyip!'
>
> Stall the bailer - stop
>
> Bail on - keep going (both these phrases are used most frequently when teaching someone to drive in Tyrone)
>
> Through other - Disorganised
>
> Tara - Terribly: 'Those boys are tara through other'. It can also strangely be used to describe dislike for something: 'That bacon's not tara '
>
> Curtin' - going out/dating
>
> Stepping out together - see curtin'
>
> Graze a stipe - Type of bird used to describe marshy or bad farmland: 'Sure ye cudn't graze a stipe there!'
>
> Docket - Any type of paperwork whether it be a receipt for a cow or a cinema ticket
>
> Han - Hand
>
> Fut - Foot
>
> Me - My: 'A hurt me fut takin that cyat to the island'
>
> Santee - Santa Clause
>
> Put her broadside - making a car skid sideways
>
> That be's good - Gibberish grammar used to describe an enjoyable event in the past tense
>
> The mara - Tomorrow
>
> Soople - Flexible/Fit
>
> Not a hate - nothing, usually used in response to the question 'any money on ye?'
>
> Bate that inta ye - Eat up
>
> Lep - jump
>
> Lept - jumped: 'I lept into that shuck'
>
> State a ye/ Some state - Messy or emaciated appearance: 'you're in some state now'
>
> Ice crame - Ice cream
>
> Mineral - any fizzy drink
>
Howl that - Hold that

Uvan - Oven

Mur - Mirror

Luk - Look: 'Luk in the mur to see the state a ye'

Cubs/Cutties - boys/girls

Hows she cuttin? - How's it goin?

Full a the blade! - the inevitable answer

Quern - Very: 'its quern hot boy'

Wile hanlin - A difficult situation

Snat azy - its not easy (usually when complaining about work)

Yonder - over there

Fierce - good in the extreme

Hardy weather - freezing outside

Hoke - look for something

Mighty - see fierce

Not a pile - not doing anything: 'up to much the night?' 'ah, not a pile'

Well - simultaneously says hello and how are you

Parful - see fierce

Quare - very

Quit - stop

Rare bein - a strange individual

Rightly - see well

Skitter - annoying child

Deadly feed - a large meal

Brutal - harsh

Butther - butter

Cawdin - messing about

Childer - offspring

Mere - come here I would like to tell you something

Filum - film

Foundered - very cold

Good man yerself - thank you very much

Hallion - a disruptive teenager

[illdecide]

Man pulls his wife into the bedroom and rips of her clothes. "Now darling do a handstand against the full length mirror on the wall". "Hmmm," she thinks "Kinky...i like it". She does the handstand and her husband pulls her legs apart and he puts his chin on her privates..."The boys down in the pub were right, a goatie would suit me!"

[illdecide]

A man owned a small ranch In Texas.  The Texas Work Force Department claimed he was not paying proper wages to his help and sent an agent out to interview him.

"I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them," demanded the agent.

"Well," replied the rancher, "there's my farm hand who's been with me for 3 years.  I pay him $200 a week plus free room and board.
 
"The cook has been here for 18 months, and I pay her $150 per week plus free room and board.
 
"Then there's the half-wit.  He works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of all the work around here.  He makes about $10 per week, pays his own room and board,
and I buy him a bottle of bourbon every Saturday night.  He also sleeps with my wife  occasionally."
 
"That's the guy I want to talk to...the half-wit," says the agent.

"That would be me," replied the rancher.

[rory]

What's brown and rhymes with snoop?

Dr Dre

[bingobus]

What's brown and rhymes with snoop?

Dr Dre

   

[illdecide]

Subject: Membership Renewal

Dear David

This is a friendly reminder to let you know your gym membership expired last week. Your membership is important to us and we would like to take this opportunity to show our appreciation by offering you a 20% discount on your membership renewal. We look forward to seeing you again soon.

All the best, Jeff Peters


From: David Thorne
Date: Wednesday 8 April 2009 1.37pm
To: Jeff Peters
Subject: Re: Membership Renewal

Dear Jeff,

Thankyou for your friendly reminder and the kind offer to reduce my membership by twenty percent. I own a calculator but I could not work out how to do percentages on it so have estimated that I save around $372.10 off the normal price of $420.00 - Please confirm that this is correct and I will renew my membership immediately. Also, do I get a Fitness First sports bag with towel and drinking bottle included in the price? I own my own legwarmers and headband.

Regards, David.



From: Jeff Peters
Date: Thursday 9 April 2009 10.01am
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Membership Renewal Due

Hello David

How did you come to that amount? Our half year membership fees are actually $460 but with the 20% discount as an existing member your renewing membership fee would be only $368 for the six months saving you almost $100 off the normal price. We are not Fitness First so do not have those bags.

Cheers, Jeff


From: David Thorne
Date: Thursday 9 April 2009 10.18am
To: Jeff Peters
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Membership Renewal Due

Dear Jeff

Do I get free shipping with that?

Regards, David.



From: Jeff Peters
Date: Thursday 9 April 2009 12.48pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Membership Renewal Due

Free shipping with what? The $368 covers your membership fees for six months.


From: David Thorne
Date: Thursday 9 April 2009 2.26pm
To: Jeff Peters
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Membership Renewal Due

Dear Jeff

By the power of Greyskull that is a lot of money but I admit to being in desperate need of increasing my body strength. My ten year old child often turns the taps off in the bathroom very tightly and I have to go several days without washing. I feel bad constantly having to ask the lady from next door to come over and loosen them for me, what with her arthritis and limited wheelchair access to my apartment. To be honest, I originally joined your gym with full intentions of attending every few days but after waiting in vain for someone to offer me steroids, I began to suspect this was not going to happen and the realisation that I may have to exercise instead was, quite frankly, horrifying. My aversion to work, along with the fact one of your employees, Justin, was rather rude, telling me to 'lift this', ''push that' dulled my initial enthusiasm of becoming muscular and I stopped attending.

Regards, David.



From: Jeff Peters
Date: Friday 10 April 2009 9.17am
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Membership Renewal Due

Hello David

Not sure how to take your email, nobody here would offer you steroids, it is illegal and none of our staff would do this. Justin is one of our most experienced trainers and if you found him rude while he was trying to be helpful and just doing his job then there are plenty of other gyms you could look at joining instead.

Cheers, Jeff


From: David Thorne
Date: Friday 10 April 2009 10.02am
To: Jeff Peters
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Membership Renewal Due

Dear Jeff

Yes, I have noticed that there are many gyms in my area. I assume the low qualification requirements of fitness trainers means that there is an over supply of these buffed but essentially otherwise purposeless professionals. I knew a guy in high school who couldn't talk very well and collected sticks, he used to call the teacher 'mum' and during recess we would give him money to dance. Then sell him sticks to get our money back. He went on to become a fitness instructor so I view gyms as kind of like those factories that provide a community service by employing people with down syndrome to lick stamps and pack boxes. Except with more Spandex obviously.

Regards, David.



From: Jeff Peters
Date: Friday 10 April 2009 10.32am
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Membership Renewal Due

Go f#%k yourself.



From: David Thorne
Date: Friday 10 April 2009 11.38am
To: Jeff Peters
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Membership Renewal Due

Dear Jeff

I was, at first, quite surprised at your response; one minute you are inviting me to renew my membership and asking me for money, the next insulting me. After doing a little research however, I have learnt that mood swings are an expected side effect of steroid abuse. As another side effect is a reduction in the size of your p#$%, this gives you understandable cause to be an angry person. I have also learnt that Spandex contains carcinogenic properties so this does not bode well for yourself and your shiny friends. If I woke up one morning and my p#$% was a quarter of the size I would probably take my anger out on those around me as well. There are probably support groups or websites that could help you manage your problem more effectively and picture based books available on the subject for people with limited reading skills. When I am angry I like to Listen to music by Linkin Park. The added angst and desire to cut myself works similarly to the way firefighters fight forest fires by burning off sections, effectively canceling each other out and I find myself at peace. I understand that you guys usually listen to Pet Shop Boys or Frankie Goes to Hollywood so this may be worth a try.

Regards, David.



From: Jeff Peters
Date: Friday 10 April 2009 1.04pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Membership Renewal Due

DO NOT EMAIL ME AGAIN



From: David Thorne
Date: Friday 10 April 2009 1.15pm
To: Jeff Peters
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Membership Renewal Due

Ok.



From: Jeff Peters
Date: Friday 10 April 2009 1.25pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Membership Renewal Due

Is that you being a smartarse or agreeing not to email me again?



From: David Thorne
Date: Friday 10 April 2009 1.32pm
To: Jeff Peters
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Membership Renewal Due

The middle one.

[Treasurer]

[highorlow]

Blonde wife calls hubby..

'i've run out of petrol and i'm scared to fill up because of swine flu,

Hubby 'you daft cow its in mexico not texaco'

[illdecide]

A woman with tiny tits goes to M&S and asks for a bra in size 32AAA. "We don't do any that small" said the girl so off she went to La Senza and asks for the same size, again she was told "we don't do any that small". After visiting several stores and getting the same answer, she storms into Debenhams. She marches up to the counter, takes off her top and yells: "Do you have anything for these?" to which the assistant replied "have you tried clearasil?"

[DrinkingHarp]

A young lady and her boyfriend are in bed about to have sex when she notices there are only 5 condoms left in a new box she bought for him last week. She asks what happened to the other 7, the boyfriend replies "well I masturbated with them on not to make a mess."
She says "oh you didn't want to make a mess, OK".

The next day she is at lunch with a male co-worker and tells him the story of the condoms and asks if he ever did that?
The co-worker replies "yes", she says "I didn't realize men masturbated with condoms on." The co-worker replies "No, I never masturbated with a condom on, I thought you were talking about lying to my girlfriend."

[Orior]

Very good!

[longrunsthefox]

With all that intense debate on other threads about sectarianism, here is a message of hope:   

Far away in the tropical waters of the Caribbean, two prawns were swimming around in the sea. One called Justin and the other called Christian. The prawns were constantly being harassed and threatened by sharks that inhabited the area.
Finally one day Justin said to Christian, 'I'm fed up with being prawn; I wish I was a shark, and then I wouldn't have any worries about being eaten.'
A large mysterious cod appeared and said, 'Your wish is granted'
Lo and behold, Justin turned into a shark.
Horrified, Christian immediately swam away, afraid of being eaten by his old mate.
Time passed (as it does) and Justin found life as a shark boring and lonely.
All his old mates simply swam away whenever he came close.
Justin didn't realise that his new menacing appearance was the cause of his sad plight.
While swimming alone one day he saw the mysterious cod again and he thought perhaps the mysterious fish could change him back into a prawn.
He approached the cod and begged to be changed back, and, lo and behold, he found himself turned back into a prawn.
With tears of joy in his tiny little eyes Justin swam back to his friends and bought them all a cocktail.
Looking around the gathering at the reef he realized he couldn't see his old pal.
'Where's Christian?' he asked.
'He's at home, still distraught that his best friend changed sides to the enemy & became a shark', came the reply.
Eager to put things right again and end the mutual pain and torture, he set off to Christian's abode.
As he opened the coral gate, memories came flooding back.
He banged on the door and shouted, 'It's me, Justin, your old friend, come out and see me again.'
Christian replied, 'No way man, you'll eat me. You're now a shark, the
enemy, and I'll not be tricked into being your dinner.'
Justin cried back 'No, I'm not. That was the old me. I've
changed.'............
(You're going to love this................................).




























I've found Cod. I'm a Prawn again Christian !!'

[wdusln]

They said that whenever a black man became president pigs would fly,
100 days later swine flu!

[5 Sams]

Childer!!!

I thought this was funny...Johnny Hero was asking the listeners on Downtown today to send in examples of when their children dropped them in it.

This boyo phoned in to tell him about his wee girl making her holy communion...up she went...all angelic and holy in her wee white dress and tiara to get the host.


The priest gives her the holy communion and there she is coming back down the aisle with the hands joined and the eyes closed in prayer....however halfway down the aisle she opens the eyes.... spies her father who is on the other side of the chapel..... she shouts at the top of her voice


"Are you going for a pint now Da?"

[Orior]

Tis funny, and sad, and true.