Corny One for Friday

[Orior]

She sent a one word telegram which phonetically said "come for ta bull"









Everyday I try to educate you lot, and its a waste of time

[longball]

I didn't get it either. Now it's explained.... it's a crap joke.

Don't get it at all !!!

ok il explain this joke u see this joke has two meanings the wife only had one word she could write but had two stories to tell- great new shoes plus she got the bull need u to come for it she chose the word comfortable as:
. the shoes were comfortable
. comfortable- come for the bull (come for t ble)

[KCGaelicFootball]

Twas this joke I didn't understand....

Subject: sausages

Can I have some Irish Sausages, please?' asked the
Irishman, walking up to the counter.
The assistant looked at him and asked: 'Are you Irish?'
If I had asked you for Italian sausage, would you
ask me if I was Italian?' demanded the Irishman indignantly.
Or, if I asked for German Bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German?'*
Then, warming to his theme, he went on:
Or if I asked you for a kosher hot dog, would you
ask me if I was Jewish?'
Or, if I asked you for a taco, would you ask me if I was Mexican?
Would Ya? Would Ya?'
The assistant said: 'Well, no.
Suitably encouraged by the success of his logic,
the Irishman steps it up a gear.
And if I asked you for frog's legs, would you ask me if I was
French?'
What about Danish Bacon, would you ask me if I
was Danish?
Well no, I probably wouldn't' conceded
the assistant.
So, now bursting with righteous indignation, the
Irishman says: 'Well, all right then, why did you ask me if I'm Irish just
because I asked for Irish sausages?'
The assistant replied: 'Because you're in Homebase'

[5 Sams]

Twas this joke I didn't understand....

Subject: sausages

Can I have some Irish Sausages, please?' asked the
Irishman, walking up to the counter.
The assistant looked at him and asked: 'Are you Irish?'
If I had asked you for Italian sausage, would you
ask me if I was Italian?' demanded the Irishman indignantly.
Or, if I asked for German Bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German?'*
Then, warming to his theme, he went on:
Or if I asked you for a kosher hot dog, would you
ask me if I was Jewish?'
Or, if I asked you for a taco, would you ask me if I was Mexican?
Would Ya? Would Ya?'
The assistant said: 'Well, no.
Suitably encouraged by the success of his logic,
the Irishman steps it up a gear.
And if I asked you for frog's legs, would you ask me if I was
French?'
What about Danish Bacon, would you ask me if I
was Danish?
Well no, I probably wouldn't' conceded
the assistant.
So, now bursting with righteous indignation, the
Irishman says: 'Well, all right then, why did you ask me if I'm Irish just
because I asked for Irish sausages?'
The assistant replied: 'Because you're in Homebase'

This has to be the biggest echo ever   

(see 4 posts above)

[KCGaelicFootball]

What?

Lame joke...

[illdecide]

Right lads this was sent to me from TacadoirArdmhacha and Rav67's friends at "Law school" during their training...

TacadoirArdmhacha: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?

WITNESS: He said, "Where am I,
Cathy?"                       


TacadoirArdmhacha: And why did that upset
you?

WITNESS: My name is
Susan!                                                       
                                                                   

____________________________________________

TacadoirArdmhacha: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?

                 
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and
Reeboks.


____________________________________________

             


TacadoirArdmhacha: Are you sexually
active?

WITNESS: No, I just lie
there.



____________________________________________

                                       


TacadoirArdmhacha: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at
all?

WITNESS:
Yes.                                                         


TacadoirArdmhacha: And in what ways does it affect your
memory?

WITNESS: I
forget.

                                                     
TacadoirArdmhacha: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you
forgot?


___________________________________________




TacadoirArdmhacha: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in
voodoo?

WITNESS: We both
do.                   


TacadoirArdmhacha: Voodoo?

WITNESS: We
do.                     


TacadoirArdmhacha: You
do?

WITNESS: Yes,
voodoo.               



____________________________________________

                                           


TacadoirArdmhacha: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his
sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next
morning?                         
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar
exam?

               

____________________________________



               
TacadoirArdmhacha: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is
he?

WITNESS: He's twenty, much like your
IQ.

_____
______________________________________                 




TacadoirArdmhacha: Were you present when your picture was
taken?                   


WITNESS: Are you shitting
me?


_________________________________________

                                                   


TacadoirArdmhacha: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August
8th?                                                     
                               
WITNESS:
Yes.

TacadoirArdmhacha: And what were you doing at that
time?

               
WITNESS: getting
laid


____________________________________________

     


TacadoirArdmhacha: She had three children,
right?

WITNESS:
Yes.   


TacadoirArdmhacha: How many were
boys?

WITNESS:
None.     


TacadoirArdmhacha: Were there any
girls?

WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different lawyer. Can I
get Rav67


____________________________________________



                                                                     
Rav67: How was your first marriage
terminated?

WITNESS: By
death.

                                               
Rav67: And by whose death was it
terminated?

WITNESS: Take a
guess.

                       



____________________________________________

                 


Rav67: Can you describe the
individual?

             
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a
beard.

Rav67: Was this a male or a
female?

WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with
male.       



_____________________________________

                                                                   


Rav67: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a
deposition notice which I sent to your
attorney?                                       
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to
work.



______________________________________




Rav67: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on
dead
people?

WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a
fight.


_________________________________________

                                                 


Rav67: Do you recall the time that you examined the
body?                                                         
                               
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.
m.

Rav67: And Mr.. Denton was dead at the
time?

WITNESS: If not, he was by
the time I
finished.


____________________________________________

                                               


Rav67: Are you qualified to give a urine
sample?

WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that
question?                                         
                                                           

______________________________________



                                                         
And the best for
last:



                                                                   
Rav67: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for
a
pulse?

WITNESS:
No.

                             
Rav67: Did you check for blood
pressure?

WITNESS:
No.

               
Rav67: Did you check for
breathing?

WITNESS:
No.

     
Rav67: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you
began the
autopsy?                                                           
WITNESS:
No.

Rav67: How can you be so sure,
Doctor?                           


WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a
jar.

Rav67: I see, but could the patient have still been alive,
nevertheless?

             
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and
practicing
law.


There you go we have the two best trainee Lawyers in the board...

[illdecide]

Here's another,  this one sent to Deirdrie at the Sun;

Dear Deirdrie,

I am a man of 24 years and come from a large family.   My name may be familiar to many of your readers as my eldest brother plays for Glasgow Rangers Football Club.   My youngest brother is, unfortunately, serving life in Barlinnie Prison for multiple rape and also driving whilst under the influence of drink, together with being disqualified.  Two of my sisters had their own business – the Erotic Visiting Massage Service, but  gave it up when they realised they had lesbian tendencies towards each other.

My mother is a mentally retarded alcoholic and refuses to have anything to do with my father, since she discovered he is a practising homosexual, who has recently contracted Aids.   As she is now pregnant by the Pakistani, who owns the local Off-licence, the doctor says her Heroin addiction may affect my unborn half-brother.

Whilst inside Saughtoun Prison, I have been writing to a lovely girl of my own age.  As a ex-prostitute, with 6 beautiful children, two of them half-cast,  we plan to marry on my release, once her syphilis clears up.

My problem is,  how can I bring myself to tell her about my brother playing for Rangers..

Yours sincerely
...................
Name and address supplied

[illdecide]

This one's  about the Italian who went to Detroit, USA.

Now you must read this with an Italian accent.

" Ona day Ima gonna Detroit to begga hotel.   Inna morning, I go downa to eata breakfast.     I tella the waitress  I wanna two pissis toast.  She bringa me only one piss.    I tella her I wanna two piss.  She say go toa the toilet.  I say, you no understand.  I wanna two piss onna my plate.   She say you better no piss onna plate, you sonna ma bitch.   I don't know the lady and she tella me sonna ma bitch.

Later,  I go out to eat at the bigga restauranta.   The waitress bringa me a spoon and knife but no fock.     I tella her I wanna fock.   She tella me every on wanna fcok.  I tella her you no understanda, I wanna fock on the table.    She say you better no fock on the table, you sonna ma bitch.

So, I go back to ma room inna hotel and there is no shits onna my bed.     I call the manager and tella him I wanna shit.   He tella me to go to the toilet.   I  say you no understanda, I wanna shit onna ma bed.   He say you better no shit onna da bed, you sonna ma bitch.

I go to the check-out and the man at the desk say " Peace on You ".      I say pis onna you too, you sonna ma bitch.      I gonna back to Italy.!!!! 

[illdecide]

All about Sex....

For protection, my father bought me a German Shepherd.    Now everyone calls his/her dog Rover, but I decided to name mine Sex.    When he ran away one night and I was out looking for him, a Policeman stopped me and asked, " What are you doing in this alley at 4 am "

I said " Looking for Sex "  -  My case case up next Thursday.

I went to the City Hall to get a Dog licence and I told the clerk I would like a licence for Sex.  He said, " I'd like to have one too ".

But this is a dog,  I said.  He said he didn't care what she looked like.

When I said " You don't understand – I have had Sex since I was 2 years old ", he said,  " You must have been a very strong baby ".

When my wife and I separated, we went to court to fight for the custody of the dog.   I told the judge I had had Sex before I was married and the judge said,  " Me too ".
When I told him that after I was married, Sex had left me,  he said  " Me too ".

Then I told him that I had Sex on TV.   He called me a show-off and said that I should have sold tickets.

I also told him that we had taken the dog on our Honeymoon.  When we checked into the Hotel, I told the clerk that I wanted a room for my wife and a special room for Sex.  The clerk said that every room in the Hotel was suitable for Sex.
Then I said,  "  You don't understand -  Sex keeps me awake at night ".

The clerk said  " Me too ".

Then the Judge said,  " Me too ".

I acknowledged defeat and gave my wife Sex in the courtroom.....

[illdecide]

ANOTHER LIVERPOOL CLASSIC !
 
 

A woman walks into the Liverpool benefits office, trailed by 15 kids...
 

'WOW,' the social worker exclaims, 'Are they ALL yours?

'Yeah they are all mine,' the flustered mother sighs, having heard that
question a thousand times before. She says, 'Sit down Terry.' All the
children rush to find seats.

'Well,' says the social worker, 'then you must be here to sign up. I'll
need all your children's names.'   

'This one's my oldest - he is Terry.'
 
'OK, and who's next?'
 
'Well, this one he is Terry, also.'
 
The social worker raises an eyebrow but continues. One by one, through
the oldest four, all boys, all named Terry. Then she is introduced to
the eldest girl, named Terri. 'All right,' says the caseworker. 'I'm
seeing a pattern here. Are they ALL named Terri?' 

Their Mother replied, 'Well, yes-it makes it easier. When it is time to
get them out of bed and ready for school, I yell, 'Terry!' An'
when it's time for dinner, I just yell 'Terry!' an' they all come
runnin.' An' if I need to stop the kid who's running into the street, I
just yell 'Terry' and all of them stop. It's the smartest idea I ever
had, namin' them all Terry.'

The social worker thinks this over for a bit, then wrinkles her forehead
and says tentatively, 'But what if you just want ONE kid to come, and
not the whole bunch?'   

'Ah that's easy I call them by their surnames!

[illdecide]

Mating Call

Two Red Indians and an Irishman were walking through the woods. All of a
sudden one of the Red Indians ran up a hill to the mouth of a small
cave.



'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!' he called into the cave and listened closely
until he heard an answering,

'Wooooo! Wooooo! Woooooo!

He then tore off his clothes and ran into the cave.



The Irishman was puzzled and asked the remaining Indian what it was all
about. 'Was the other Indian crazy or what?'



The Indian replied 'No, It is our custom during mating season when
Indian men see cave, they holler 'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!' into the
opening. If they get an answer back, it means there's a beautiful squaw
in there waiting for us.



Just then they came upon another cave. The second Indian ran up to the
cave, stopped, and hollered, 'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!' I mmediately,
there was the answer,

'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!' from deep inside.



He also tore off his clothes and ran into the opening.



The Irishman wandered around in the woods alone for a while, and then
spied a third large cave.

As he looked in amazement at the size of the huge opening, he was
thinking, 'Hoo, man! Look at the size of this cave! It is bigger than
those the Indians found. There must be some really big, fine women in
this cave!'



He stood in front of the opening and hollered with all his might

'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!' Like the others, he then heard an answering
call, 'WOOOOOOOOO, WOOOOOOOOO WOOOOOOOOO!'



With a gleam in his eye and a smile on his face, he raced into the cave,
tearing off his clothes as he ran. The following day, the headline of
the local newspaper read...............






You'll like this

























NAKED IRISHMAN RUN OVER BY TRAIN!!!

[maddog]

I was walking down the road when I saw an Afghan bloke standing on a fifth floor balcony shaking a carpet. I shouted up to him, "What's up Abdul, won't it start?"

I went to see the nurse this morning for my annual check-up.
She said I had to stop masturbating. When I asked why she said, "Because I'm trying to examine you!"


A family is driving behind a garbage truck when a d!ldo flies out and thumps against the windscreen. Embarrassed, and to spare her young son's innocence, the mother turns around and says, "Don't worry; that was an insect." To which, her son replies, "I'm surprised it could get off the ground with a dick like that."


I had a mate who was suicidal. He was really depressed, so I pushed him in front of a steam train. He was chuffed to bits.


When I got divorced, my wife said she would fight for custody of the kids. I took her out with one punch.


My granddad gave me some sound advice on his deathbed. "It's worth spending money on good speakers," he told me.
A woman brings eight-year-old Johnny home and tells his mother that he was caught playing doctors and nurses with Mary, her eight-year-old daughter. Johnny's mother says, "Let's not be too harsh on them.... they are bound to be curious about sex at that age." "Curious about sex?" replies Mary's mother. "He's taken her appendix out!"

I was walking in a cemetery this morning and seen a bloke hiding behind a gravestone. I said "morning." He replied, "No, just having a crap."


Disabled toilets. Ironically, the only toilets big enough to run around in.


I was reading in the paper today about this dwarf that got pick pocketed. How could anyone stoop so low?

[gallsman]

I was walking down the road when I saw an Afghan bloke standing on a fifth floor balcony shaking a carpet. I shouted up to him, "What's up Abdul, won't it start?"

I went to see the nurse this morning for my annual check-up.
She said I had to stop masturbating. When I asked why she said, "Because I'm trying to examine you!"


A family is driving behind a garbage truck when a d!ldo flies out and thumps against the windscreen. Embarrassed, and to spare her young son's innocence, the mother turns around and says, "Don't worry; that was an insect." To which, her son replies, "I'm surprised it could get off the ground with a dick like that."


I had a mate who was suicidal. He was really depressed, so I pushed him in front of a steam train. He was chuffed to bits.


When I got divorced, my wife said she would fight for custody of the kids. I took her out with one punch.


My granddad gave me some sound advice on his deathbed. "It's worth spending money on good speakers," he told me.
A woman brings eight-year-old Johnny home and tells his mother that he was caught playing doctors and nurses with Mary, her eight-year-old daughter. Johnny's mother says, "Let's not be too harsh on them.... they are bound to be curious about sex at that age." "Curious about sex?" replies Mary's mother. "He's taken her appendix out!"

I was walking in a cemetery this morning and seen a bloke hiding behind a gravestone. I said "morning." He replied, "No, just having a crap."


Disabled toilets. Ironically, the only toilets big enough to run around in.


I was reading in the paper today about this dwarf that got pick pocketed. How could anyone stoop so low?

Jimmy Carr?

[maddog]

I was walking down the road when I saw an Afghan bloke standing on a fifth floor balcony shaking a carpet. I shouted up to him, "What's up Abdul, won't it start?"

I went to see the nurse this morning for my annual check-up.
She said I had to stop masturbating. When I asked why she said, "Because I'm trying to examine you!"


A family is driving behind a garbage truck when a d!ldo flies out and thumps against the windscreen. Embarrassed, and to spare her young son's innocence, the mother turns around and says, "Don't worry; that was an insect." To which, her son replies, "I'm surprised it could get off the ground with a dick like that."


I had a mate who was suicidal. He was really depressed, so I pushed him in front of a steam train. He was chuffed to bits.


When I got divorced, my wife said she would fight for custody of the kids. I took her out with one punch.


My granddad gave me some sound advice on his deathbed. "It's worth spending money on good speakers," he told me.
A woman brings eight-year-old Johnny home and tells his mother that he was caught playing doctors and nurses with Mary, her eight-year-old daughter. Johnny's mother says, "Let's not be too harsh on them.... they are bound to be curious about sex at that age." "Curious about sex?" replies Mary's mother. "He's taken her appendix out!"

I was walking in a cemetery this morning and seen a bloke hiding behind a gravestone. I said "morning." He replied, "No, just having a crap."


Disabled toilets. Ironically, the only toilets big enough to run around in.


I was reading in the paper today about this dwarf that got pick pocketed. How could anyone stoop so low?

Jimmy Carr?

I thought that when it was emailed to me. Sounds like his style.

[SidelineKick]

I was standing behind an old lady at an ATM when she asked me to check her balance. So I pushed her over.