Corny One for Friday

[illdecide]

The World's shortest fairytale...

Once upon a time a guy asked a girl "Will you marry me?" The girl said "no!"
And the guy lived happily ever after and rode motorcycles, went fishing, played lots of golf, cricket, drank beer & scotch, left the toilet seat up, farted and w**ked whenever he wanted.....the end.

[illdecide]

Paddy & Mick were at the morgue to identify Seamus's body that had been badly burnt. Paddy goes in 1st and turns the body over and looks at his arse and says "nope, thats not him". Mick goes next and again he turns the body over and looks at Seamus's arse and says "your right Paddy, thats not Seamus". The Doctor says "How do you know it's not him" and Mick replies "because when we all used to go out together folk would say..."here comes Seamus with the two assholes!"

[Declan]

Last week I had to visit my local doctor's surgery. While I was waiting to see the doctor a pregnant woman came into the room and sat down next to a middle aged man. Nobody was talking so I guess the middle aged man decided to break the silence. He turned to the pregnant woman and asked "what do you hope it is? With that she replied "My husband's.

[the green man]

The Pope was having a shower. Although he is very strict about the celibacy rules, he occasionally felt the need to exercise the right wrist, and this was one of these occasions.

Just as he reached the Papal climax he saw a photographer taking a picture of the holy seed flying through the air.

"Hold on a minute," said the Pope. "You can't do that. You'll destroy the reputation of the Catholic Church."

"This picture is my lottery win," said the photographer. "I'll be financially secure for the rest of my life."

So, the Pope offered to buy the camera off the photographer, and after lots of negotiation, they eventually arrived at a figure of two million quid.

The Pope then dried himself off, and headed off with his new camera.

He met his housekeeper, who spotted the camera. "That looks like a really good camera, "she said, "how much did it cost you?"

"Two million quid" replied the Pope.

"TWO MILLION QUID!" said the housekeeper.............


"They must have seen you coming"

[Diet Coke]

The cost of burial plots have risen sharply.........reason given........cost of living

[illdecide]

Mr Cadbury and Miss Rowntree met on a Double Decker, it was After Eight.
She was from Quality Street, he was a Fisherman's Friend. On the way they stopped at a Yorkie Bar, he had a Rum and Butter, she had a Wine Gum.

He asked her name, 'Polo, I'm the one with the hole' she said. 'I'm the one with the nuts,' he thought! Then he touched her Milky Way.

They checked in to a hotel, and went straight to the bedroom. Mr Cadbury turned out the light for a bit of Black Magic.
It wasn't long before he slipped his hand into her Snickers and felt her Cream Egg. He fondled her Flap Jacks then he showed her his Curly Wurly and Tic Tacs.

Miss Rowntree wasn't keen to have any Jelly Babies, so she let him take a trip down Bourneville Boulevard via her Party Ring. He was pleased as he always fancied a bit of Fudge. It was a magic moment as she let out a scream of Turkish Delight.

When he pulled out, his fun size Mars Bar, it felt a bit Crunchie. She wanted more, but he needed Time Out, however, he noticed her Pink Wafers looked very appetizing.. He did a Twirl, had a Picnic in her Sherbet Dip and finished off by giving her a Gob Stopper!

Unfortunately, Mr Cadbury then had to go home to his wife, Caramel., Sadly 3 days later his Magnum lolly started to drip. It turned out Miss Rowntree had been with Bertie Basset who had Allsorts

[Orior]

A farmer sent his wife to the market to by a bull. Her instructions were to send him a telegram once she'd bought the bull. He would then drive in and help her home with it.

On the way to the market, the wife saw a beautiful pair of shoes, which she bought. Later when she bought the bull, she went to the telegram office, but having purchased the shoes she found she could only afford a telegram with one word. So, she sent a telegram with the word "comfortable".

[illdecide]

This may well have been posted b4 but i couldn't find it so here it is just incase it's not:

Ear infection:
> They always ask at the doctor's reception why you are there and you have
> to answer in front of others what's wrong. Sometimes it is
> embarrassing. There's nothing worse than a receptionist who insists you
> tell her what is wrong with you in a room full of other patients.
>
> I know most of us have experienced this, and I love the way this old guy
> handled it.
>
> An 86-year-old man walked into a crowded waiting room and approached the
> desk....
> The receptionist said, 'Yes sir, what are you seeing the doctor for
> today?'
>
> 'There's something wrong with my dick,' he replied.
> The receptionist became irritated and said, 'You shouldn't come into a
> crowded waiting room and say things like that.'
>
> 'Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you,' he said.
> The receptionist replied, 'You've caused some embarrassment in this room
> full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your
> ear or something and discussed the problem further with the doctor in
> private.'
>
> The man replied, 'You shouldn't ask people questions in a room full
> ofstrangers if the answer could embarrass anyone.
>
> The man walked out, waited several minutes, and then re-entered.
>
> The receptionist smiled smugly and asked, 'Yes?'
>
> 'There's something wrong with my ear,' he stated.
> The receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her
> advice.
>
> 'And what is wrong with your ear, sir?'
> 'I can't piss out of it,' he replied.
>
> The waiting room erupted in laughter.

[illdecide]

Subject: sausages

Can I have some Irish Sausages, please?' asked the
Irishman, walking up to the counter.
The assistant looked at him and asked: 'Are you Irish?'
If I had asked you for Italian sausage, would you
ask me if I was Italian?' demanded the Irishman indignantly.
Or, if I asked for German Bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German?'*
Then, warming to his theme, he went on:
Or if I asked you for a kosher hot dog, would you
ask me if I was Jewish?'
Or, if I asked you for a taco, would you ask me if I was Mexican?
Would Ya? Would Ya?'
The assistant said: 'Well, no.
Suitably encouraged by the success of his logic,
the Irishman steps it up a gear.
And if I asked you for frog's legs, would you ask me if I was
French?'
What about Danish Bacon, would you ask me if I
was Danish?
Well no, I probably wouldn't' conceded
the assistant.
So, now bursting with righteous indignation, the
Irishman says: 'Well, all right then, why did you ask me if I'm Irish just
because I asked for Irish sausages?'
The assistant replied: 'Because you're in Homebase'

[gallsman]

A farmer sent his wife to the market to by a bull. Her instructions were to send him a telegram once she'd bought the bull. He would then drive in and help her home with it.

On the way to the market, the wife saw a beautiful pair of shoes, which she bought. Later when she bought the bull, she went to the telegram office, but having purchased the shoes she found she could only afford a telegram with one word. So, she sent a telegram with the word "comfortable".

Am I just rally slow? I don't get it...

[Billys Boots]

A farmer sent his wife to the market to by a bull. Her instructions were to send him a telegram once she'd bought the bull. He would then drive in and help her home with it.

On the way to the market, the wife saw a beautiful pair of shoes, which she bought. Later when she bought the bull, she went to the telegram office, but having purchased the shoes she found she could only afford a telegram with one word. So, she sent a telegram with the word "comfortable".

Am I just rally slow? I don't get it...

Engineer, right?   

[illdecide]

A farmer sent his wife to the market to by a bull. Her instructions were to send him a telegram once she'd bought the bull. He would then drive in and help her home with it.

On the way to the market, the wife saw a beautiful pair of shoes, which she bought. Later when she bought the bull, she went to the telegram office, but having purchased the shoes she found she could only afford a telegram with one word. So, she sent a telegram with the word "comfortable".

Am I just rally slow? I don't get it...

Let an Engineer sort it for you...Com...for...table   Come for the bull.....

[gallsman]

A farmer sent his wife to the market to by a bull. Her instructions were to send him a telegram once she'd bought the bull. He would then drive in and help her home with it.

On the way to the market, the wife saw a beautiful pair of shoes, which she bought. Later when she bought the bull, she went to the telegram office, but having purchased the shoes she found she could only afford a telegram with one word. So, she sent a telegram with the word "comfortable".

Am I just rally slow? I don't get it...

Engineer, right?   

Not for another two months or so! Still very stuck! Apparently I can't spell "really" either!

Ah, I see, very good. Like the James Richardson quote: "Inter, like a man licking a millipede, have tasted defeat on many big occasions."

[ziggysego]

I didn't get it either. Now it's explained.... it's a crap joke.

[KCGaelicFootball]

I didn't get it either. Now it's explained.... it's a crap joke.

Don't get it at all !!!