Corny One for Friday

[illdecide]

Lets test the way you think!!!

"The penisinhermouth"


Did you read "The pen is in her mouth"

Nah me neither

[ziggysego]

I did actually

[SidelineKick]

I did actually

Boo.

[bridgegael]

Dad cooks a deer and doesn't tell the kids what it is. He gives one clue "Its what your mother calls me". The boy yells, "it's a f**king ball bag don't eat it"

brilliant!

[Orior]

Dad cooks a deer and doesn't tell the kids what it is. He gives one clue "Its what your mother calls me". The boy yells, "it's a f**king ball bag don't eat it"

I bought 8 legs of vennison last week for £50. Would that be too deer?

[Zapatista]

Jimmy Carr -

I met a 14 year old girl on the internet. She was clever,
funny, flirty and sexy, so I suggested we meet up.
She turned out to be an undercover detective.
How cool is that at her age?!


I just saw that Harry Potter film. A bit unrealistic if you ask
me. I mean, a ginger kid, with two friends?


A family is driving behind a garbage truck when a dildo flies
out and thumps against the windscreen. Embarrassed, and to
spare her young son's innocence, the mother turns around and
says, "Don't worry; that was an insect."
To which, her son replies, "I'm surprised it could get off the
ground with a dick like that."


I had a mate who was suicidal. He was really depressed, so I
pushed him in front of a steam train.
He was chuffed to bits.


When I got divorced, my wife said she would fight for custody of
the kids.
Took her out with one punch.


My granddad gave me some sound advice on his deathbed.
"It's worth spending money on good speakers," he told me.


A woman brings eight-year-old Johnny home and tells his mother
that he was caught playing doctors and nurses with Mary, her
eight-year-old daughter.
Johnny's mother says, "Let's not be too harsh on them....
they are bound to be curious about sex at that age."
"Curious about sex?" replies Mary's mother. "He's taken her
appendix out!"


I was walking in a cemetery this morning and seen a bloke
hiding behind a gravestone. I said "morning."
He replied, "No, just having a shit."


Disabled toilets. Ironically, the only toilets big enough to
run around in.


I was reading in the paper today about this dwarf that got pick
pocketed.
How could anyone stoop so low?


I was walking down the road when I saw an Afghan bloke standing
on a fifth floor balcony shaking a carpet.
I shouted up to him, "What's up Abdul, won't it start?"

[Dougal Maguire]

Dad cooks a deer and doesn't tell the kids what it is. He gives one clue "Its what your mother calls me". The boy yells, "it's a f**king ball bag don't eat it"

That reminds me of a line from Fr Ted:

Ted: Mrs Doyle, what's for tea?
Mrs D: I'll give you a clue, do you like deer?
Ted: Yes I love deer
Mrs Doyle: Great, because the thing you're getting for tea loves deer too.

[RedandGreenSniper]

Dad cooks a deer and doesn't tell the kids what it is. He gives one clue "Its what your mother calls me". The boy yells, "it's a f**king ball bag don't eat it"

That reminds me of a line from Fr Ted:

Ted: Mrs Doyle, what's for tea?
Mrs D: I'll give you a clue, do you like dear?
Ted: Yes I love dear
Mrs Doyle: Great, because the thing you're getting for tea loves dear too.

Sorry chief but its actually pheasant!

[Hardy]

But deer is easier to spell.

[Maguire01]

But deer is easier to spell.

Well you would think!

[Louth Exile]

No doubt this one has been posted before, but........


A Typical GAA Junior B Line up
.
Goalie - must have 'great goalmouth presence'.... which is secret code for being fat enough to have his own gravitational pull. Always in the 40-50 age bracket, this is a gent that will almost convince you that he played minor for the county in goal, even though the last time he got his knees dirty diving was at a Ceili in 1965 when his version of the Hucklebuck went out of control, with numerous casualties.

Right corner back - the quiet man of the line-up he seems to escape the jokes in the dressing-room just because no-one has ever seen him angry and are afraid of hidden depths. Unmarried farmer with severe emotional baggage. Contact with a woman consists of the handshake at mass on a Sunday morning.

Full back - First started playing some time in the Pleistocene Epoch. Nicknamed Sledge like "yer man outta U2″. Will get a nose-bleed if he passes beyond his own 50 metre line. Utterly, utterly useless and yet is a great hit with the fans. Quite likes the smell of blood.

Left corner back - Has all the skills of a piece of cheese and yet has been known to disappear up corner-forward's arses for days on end. An absolute cast-iron guarantee to be made mark the other team's young and absurdly fast superstar in the making.

Right half back - just out of minor, this boyo is sadly not going to get anywhere near the senior team... and yet hasn't missed a training session since early 1989. Selection is basically the manager's way of proving that he "doesn't give a damn who you are, if you're not down training we're not going to give you a game".

Centre back - disgruntled former senior player, tried to remove senior manager at AGM and now has about as much chance of playing senior as he does of playing Hamlet in the Globe. Hasn't been junior training all year and is still absolutely guaranteed his spot on the team.

Left half back - county u-16 star, great white hope for the entire club. About 5 foot 4, he is still told to get under the puckouts and 'take the game to the opposition'... secret code for don't pass it to anyone unless your life is in serious danger.

Midfielder - chronic alcoholic who last scored a point in the late 70s and yet reckons he is justified in having a go for a point from anywhere inside the opposition's half. Well-liked character because he always gets his round in at the post-match piss-up.
Midfielder - the full back's older brother, who sports a rather strange looking bandage on his knee - probably hiding teeth marks or something. Prone to making strange guttural noises every time he strains himself. Eats five dinners a day and is a prime suspect for a coronary.

Right half forward - quietly-spoken business-man who hails from the village but is living in Dublin. Drives a flash motor. Lads who live in the pub in the town don't know what to make of him "but he was an awful annoying bollox in national school".

Centre forward - third of the set of brothers that includes the full back and midfielder. Is the target of all the brother's clearances... ALL of them. Probably the local A.I. man or something... by the way that's not A.I. in the Steven Spielberg meaning of the word.

Left half forward - utterly, utterly useless 25 year old who by some fluke of nature happens to be a deadly accurate free-taker. Tries to avoid open play altogether as he is far too important to the team to get injured. Is basically the team's only source of points.

Right corner forward - happily married man who hasn't played since he was 12 but has suddenly decided to take up the game again. Natural talent (like his genitalia) completely and utterly over shadowed by his beer belly. Guaranteed to bag a goal or two and gain for himself some ridiculous nickname like "Schillaci" or something.

Full forward - hasn't scored since the end of the war but is captain of the team and an all-out nut case. The line commonly quoted to excuse his complete inability to find the target is "He's a good man to bust up the play." Doesn't feel satisfied unless his jersey is stained in blood... not his own. Will no doubt be marked by a similar figure playing for the opposition. Only at junior B will the full-forward and full-back play the game the exact same way, and could even switch positions with no effect on how the team plays whatsoever.

Left corner forward - the village thug, who invariably sports an ear ring and a seriously dodgy haircut. Will be involved with the referee within five minutes of the throw in. Plays the foreign game with the town five miles down the road and is hence viewed with suspicion by all and sundry. Has had a running battle with the aging club secretary who secretly fears for the virtue of his youngest daughter.

[mrsandman]

No doubt this one has been posted before, but........


A Typical GAA Junior B Line up
.
Goalie - must have 'great goalmouth presence'.... which is secret code for being fat enough to have his own gravitational pull. Always in the 40-50 age bracket, this is a gent that will almost convince you that he played minor for the county in goal, even though the last time he got his knees dirty diving was at a Ceili in 1965 when his version of the Hucklebuck went out of control, with numerous casualties.

Right corner back - the quiet man of the line-up he seems to escape the jokes in the dressing-room just because no-one has ever seen him angry and are afraid of hidden depths. Unmarried farmer with severe emotional baggage. Contact with a woman consists of the handshake at mass on a Sunday morning.

Full back - First started playing some time in the Pleistocene Epoch. Nicknamed Sledge like "yer man outta U2″. Will get a nose-bleed if he passes beyond his own 50 metre line. Utterly, utterly useless and yet is a great hit with the fans. Quite likes the smell of blood.

Left corner back - Has all the skills of a piece of cheese and yet has been known to disappear up corner-forward's arses for days on end. An absolute cast-iron guarantee to be made mark the other team's young and absurdly fast superstar in the making.

Right half back - just out of minor, this boyo is sadly not going to get anywhere near the senior team... and yet hasn't missed a training session since early 1989. Selection is basically the manager's way of proving that he "doesn't give a damn who you are, if you're not down training we're not going to give you a game".

Centre back - disgruntled former senior player, tried to remove senior manager at AGM and now has about as much chance of playing senior as he does of playing Hamlet in the Globe. Hasn't been junior training all year and is still absolutely guaranteed his spot on the team.

Left half back - county u-16 star, great white hope for the entire club. About 5 foot 4, he is still told to get under the puckouts and 'take the game to the opposition'... secret code for don't pass it to anyone unless your life is in serious danger.

Midfielder - chronic alcoholic who last scored a point in the late 70s and yet reckons he is justified in having a go for a point from anywhere inside the opposition's half. Well-liked character because he always gets his round in at the post-match piss-up.
Midfielder - the full back's older brother, who sports a rather strange looking bandage on his knee - probably hiding teeth marks or something. Prone to making strange guttural noises every time he strains himself. Eats five dinners a day and is a prime suspect for a coronary.

Right half forward - quietly-spoken business-man who hails from the village but is living in Dublin. Drives a flash motor. Lads who live in the pub in the town don't know what to make of him "but he was an awful annoying bollox in national school".

Centre forward - third of the set of brothers that includes the full back and midfielder. Is the target of all the brother's clearances... ALL of them. Probably the local A.I. man or something... by the way that's not A.I. in the Steven Spielberg meaning of the word.

Left half forward - utterly, utterly useless 25 year old who by some fluke of nature happens to be a deadly accurate free-taker. Tries to avoid open play altogether as he is far too important to the team to get injured. Is basically the team's only source of points.

Right corner forward - happily married man who hasn't played since he was 12 but has suddenly decided to take up the game again. Natural talent (like his genitalia) completely and utterly over shadowed by his beer belly. Guaranteed to bag a goal or two and gain for himself some ridiculous nickname like "Schillaci" or something.

Full forward - hasn't scored since the end of the war but is captain of the team and an all-out nut case. The line commonly quoted to excuse his complete inability to find the target is "He's a good man to bust up the play." Doesn't feel satisfied unless his jersey is stained in blood... not his own. Will no doubt be marked by a similar figure playing for the opposition. Only at junior B will the full-forward and full-back play the game the exact same way, and could even switch positions with no effect on how the team plays whatsoever.

Left corner forward - the village thug, who invariably sports an ear ring and a seriously dodgy haircut. Will be involved with the referee within five minutes of the throw in. Plays the foreign game with the town five miles down the road and is hence viewed with suspicion by all and sundry. Has had a running battle with the aging club secretary who secretly fears for the virtue of his youngest daughter.

That was in the Irish News about 3 months ago

[Gaoth Dobhair Abu]

Who says soccer players aren't intelligent - Part 1

My parents have always been there for me, ever since I was about 7. "
David Beckham

"I would not be bothered if we lost every game as long as we won the league."
Mark Viduka

"Alex Ferguson is the best manager I've ever had at this level. Well, he's the only manager I've actually had at this level. But he's the best manager I've ever had."
David Beckham

"If you don't believe you can win, there is no point in getting out of bed at the end of the day."
Neville Southall

"I've had 14 bookings this season - 8 of which were my fault, but 7 of which were disputable."
Paul Gascoigne

"I've never wanted to leave. I'm here for the rest of my life, and hopefully after that as well."
Alan Shearer

"I'd like to play for an Italian club, like Barcelona "
Mark Draper

"You've got to believe that you're going to win, and I believe we'll win the World Cup until the final whistle blows and we're knocked out.."
Peter Shilton

[Gaoth Dobhair Abu]

Who says soccer players aren't intelligent - Part 2


"I faxed a transfer request to the club at the beginning of the week, but let me state that I don't want to leave Leicester "
Stan Collymore

"I was watching the Blackburn game on TV on Sunday when it flashed on the screen that George (Ndah) had scored in the first minute at Birmingham . My first reaction was to ring him up. Then I remembered he was out there playing."
Ade Akinbiyi

"Without being too harsh on David Beckham, he cost us the match."
Ian Wright

"I'm as happy as I can be - but I have been happier."
Ugo Ehiogu

" Leeds is a great club and it's been my home for years, even though I live in Middlesbrough .."
Jonathan Woodgate

"I can see the carrot at the end of the tunnel."
Stuart Pearce

"I took a whack on my left ankle, but something told me it was my right."
Lee Hendrie

"I couldn't settle in Italy - it was like living in a foreign country."
Ian Rush

" Germany are a very difficult team to play...they had 11 internationals out there today."
Steve Lomas

"I always used to put my right boot on first, and then obviously my right sock."
Barry Venison

"I definitely want Brooklyn to be christened, but I don't know into what religion yet."
David Beckham

"The Brazilians were South American, and the Ukrainians will be more European."
Phil Neville

"All that remains is for a few dots and commas to be crossed."
Mitchell Thomas

"One accusation you can't throw at me is that I've always done my best."
Alan Shearer

"I'd rather play in front of a full house than an empty crowd."
Johnny Giles

"Sometimes in football you have to score goals."
Thierry Henry
 
 

[illdecide]

Bobby was in a car crash when he was 4 years old.


       As a result of his injury he was blind. All of the doctors tests

and operations could not restore Bobbys' sight.


       One evening when he was heading up to bed his mother said to him.


       "Bobby do you know what night this is?"


       "No mommy what night is it?" Said Bobby as he felt along the wall
to


       his bed room.


       "This is wish night, and if a child wishes real hard on this
night
       it


       will come true"


       "Really???!!!!" said Bobby. "Could I see again???!!!!" "Yes."
Said


       his mother as she tucked him into the bed. "But only if you wish
       very


       hard. Little Bobby sat in his bed wishing.


       He wished as hard as he could. He held his breath so he could put
       the


       energy for breathing in to wishing.


       His little body rocked back and forth his finger nails cut into
the


       palms of his hands as he gripped them into fists. Just before 4
am


       the little boy fell asleep exhausted. When his mother woke him up
       the


       next day Bobby said.


       "Mommy... Mommy... I still can't see!"


       "I know", said his mother, "April fool."