Corny One for Friday

[Lothos]

I found it funny because you were expecting some rational wish which could be misconstrued as something else, but which turned out to be exactly what he'd asked for

[SidelineKick]

Full Back did I tell you that one??? 

Along with....

"Did you know I was named after Tina Turner?"

"Really? But your name is Sideline."

"I know, but she was born before me so I was obviously named after her."   

[Jimmy Joe]

you might appreciate this sort of humour then

[full back]

Full Back did I tell you that one??? 

Along with....

"Did you know I was named after Tina Turner?"

"Really? But your name is Sideline."

"I know, but she was born before me so I was obviously named after her."   

Did you fcuk tell it to me
You couldnt have come up with anything as funny as that

[SidelineKick]

you might appreciate this sort of humour then

them wee cartoons are hilarious! Love them!

[Stalin]

Full Back did I tell you that one??? 

Along with....

"Did you know I was named after Tina Turner?"

"Really? But your name is Sideline."

"I know, but she was born before me so I was obviously named after her."   

Did you fcuk tell it to me
You couldnt have come up with anything as funny as that

did you make that up full back? quality 

[Jimmy Joe]

I've just came across this little gem

[SidelineKick]

  brilliant!

[Santino]

One kn**ker says to the other
"I'm really embarrassed. I just slept with my 3rd cousin."
"If yer so embarrassed, why do ya keep countin then" says the other.

[illdecide]

> Understanding Engineers - One
>
> Two engineering students were walking across a university campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?"
> The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday, minding my own business, when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike, threw it to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want."
> The second engineer nodded approvingly and said, "Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fitted you anyway."
> ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
>
> Understanding Engineers - Two
>
> To the optimist, the glass is half full.
> To the pessimist, the glass is half empty.
> To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.
> ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
>
> Understanding Engineers - Three
>
> A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers.
> The engineer fumed, "What's with those blokes? We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!"
> The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such inept golf!"
> The priest said, "Here comes the greens keeper. Let's have a word with him."
> He said, "Hello, George! what's wrong with that group ahead of us?
> They're rather slow, aren't they?"
> The greens keeper replied, "Oh, yes. That's a group of blind fire fighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime."
> The group fell silent for a moment.
> The priest said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight."
> The doctor said, "Good idea. I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist colleague and see if there's anything he can do for them."
> The engineer said, "Why can't they play at night?"
> ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
>
> Understanding Engineers - Four
>
> What is the difference between mechanical engineers and civil engineers?
> Mechanical engineers build weapons and civil engineers build targets.
> +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
>
> Understanding Engineers - Five
>
> The graduate with a science degree asks, "Why does it work?"
> The graduate with an engineering degree asks, "How does it work?"
> The graduate with an accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?"
> The graduate with an arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?"
> +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
>
> Understanding Engineers - Six
>
> Three engineering students were gathered together discussing the possible designers of the human body.
> One said, "It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints."
> Another said, "No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has many thousands of electrical connections."
> The last one said, "No, actually it had to have been a civil engineer.
> Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area ?"
> ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
>
> Understanding Engineers - Seven
>
> Normal people believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it.
> Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet.
> +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
>
> Understanding Engineers - Eight
>
> An engineer was crossing a road one day, when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess."
> He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket.
> The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess,
> I will stay with you for one week."
> The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned It to the pocket.
> The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a
> Princess, I'll stay with you for one week and do ANYTHING you want."
> Again, the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.
> Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess, and that I'll stay with you for one week and do anything you want.
> Why won't you kiss me?"
> The engineer said, "Look, I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog, now that's cool."

[Orior]

>
> Understanding Engineers - Eight
>
> An engineer was crossing a road one day, when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess."
> He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket.
> The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess,
> I will stay with you for one week."
> The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned It to the pocket.
> The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a
> Princess, I'll stay with you for one week and do ANYTHING you want."
> Again, the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.
> Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess, and that I'll stay with you for one week and do anything you want.
> Why won't you kiss me?"
> The engineer said, "Look, I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog, now that's cool."

I know that guy, he supports our solaris boxes. If you ask him a question he will never give you an answer until you have narrowed it down to a binary answer.

[illdecide]

Wasn't sure what thread to post this on...

A MARRIED Manchester United fan drove 400 miles for a saucy weekend with a girl he'd met on the internet only to discover it was an elaborate hoax set up by two burly Liverpool supporters he had upset on holiday.

Stuart Slann spent nine hours in his car travelling to Aberdeen believing he was about to enjoy his first night of romance with a girl called "Emma", whom he had never talked to but had been sending him suggestive email messages for over a month.

But when Stuart, 39, from Sheffield, South Yorkshire, finally got to the remote farm in the north of Scotland where "Emma" had told him she lived it was locked up and deserted. He then got a text message saying she was delayed at work and that he would have to wait.

After sitting in his car growing increasingly cold and frustrated for over three hours, Stuart finally called "Emma" and was horrified to hear a man with a Liverpool accent answer and say: "Hello Stuart, do you remember us? It's them Scouse lads who threw you in the pool. You've been framed."

To complete Stuart's misery, his wife Louise, 34, now knows about the "affair" on the Facebook website and has left him.

Last November Stuart, a lifelong United fan, fell out with the two Liverpool supporters who were staying in the same holiday hotel in Cancun, Mexico, after chatting each day about football.

During one row beside the pool during his three-week break the two Liverpudlians, who are both professional Cage Fighters, got so fed up with Stuart's claims about how much better Manchester were than Liverpool they threw him into the water, accidentally breaking his ankle and smashing one of his ribs.



  SEARCH UK NEWS for:     

But their revenge didn't stop once they got home to Merseyside. The pair then tricked Stuart into sending emails to "Emma", a fictional girl they had created on the Facebook website.

The tricksters, under the guise of "Emma", contacted Stuart and claimed to like the look of his photo on the web and share his love of United.

During the nightly email exchanges that followed, "Emma" told Stuart how she couldn't wait to meet up and make more of their budding relationship.

To make matters even worse, as Stuart drove to Scotland he was even persuaded in a text message to use his mobile telephone to send a rude photograph of himself to "Emma", who he mistakenly thought was excitedly waiting for him to arrive north of the border.

Now the two unnamed Liverpool fans have posted that photo – and a tape of the telephone conversation when Stuart finally discovers who "Emma" really is – on the YouTube website, where it is proving a huge hit. Even websites for supporters of Liverpool, Manchester United and Sheffield Wednesday are now advertising where to find the footage and last week it began appearing on internet pages in Holland, making him a laughing stock with football fans across Europe.

Last night, the father-of-one, a building labourer, said: "There's no doubt I've been done good and proper by the lads from Liverpool.

"It was cruel, but I'll hold my hands up and say they really wound me up."

[illdecide]

A Wee Scottish Tale



A man was cupping his hand to scoop water from a Highland burn (stream).

All of a sudden a Gamekeeper shouted: "Dinnae drink tha waater!  Et's fu' ae  coo's  shite an pish!"

The man replied: "My Good fellow, I'm from England. Could you repeat that in English for me, please?"

The keeper replied: "I said: 'Use two hands - you'll spill less that way'!!!"

[illdecide]

A man checked into a hotel on a business trip and was a bit lonely. He
thought, 'I'll call one of those girls you see advertised in phone booths
when you're calling for a taxi.' He popped into a phone booth near the
hotel and found an ad for a girl calling herself Erogonique, a lovely girl,
bending over in the photo.

He copied the phone number and returned to his hotel.  When back in the
room he figures, 'What the heck, I'll give her a call.'
"Hello," the woman says... Wow, she sounded sexy.
"Hi.  I hear you give a great massage and I'd like you to come to my room
and give me one.  No, wait; I should be straight with you.  I'm in town all
alone and what I really want is sex.  I want it hard, I want it hot, and I want it now.

Bring implements, toys, leather, whips, everything you've got
in your bag of tricks.  We'll go hot and heavy all night; tie me up, cover
me in chocolate syrup and whipped cream, anything you want!  Now, how does
that sound?"


She says, "That sounds fantastic, but you need to press 9 for an outside
line."

[SidelineKick]

Ive finally found out where there is endless amounts of work.

I heard on the news this morning that there are thousands of jobs in jeopardy.  Anyone know how to get there?