Corny One for Friday

[illdecide]

You know your from Belfast when:


1. You're never cold but sometimes Baltic.
2. The sight of 12-year-olds smoking is normal.
3. Castle Court - the traditional and best - is well better than that Victoria Square place.
4. You have owned a pair of Nike Air Max at some stage.
5. You will fight anyone who claims Callum Best's Da wasn't the best footballer EVER.
6. You're passionate about an English or Scottish football team.
7. You know what real rain is like.
8. You think If you can't see the Harland and Wolff cranes from your bedroom window your a culchie.
9. You remember when it was OK to smoke (anything) in the KFC in Corn Market.
10. So it is
11. You know what the word Ball root means.
12. You use the word 'sweet' and 'powerful' as a substitute for almost any adjective.
13. You are a half decent pool player and know your way around a snooker table.
14. You know what the words 'space-cadet' and 'rocket' really mean.
15. Your friends still call you by your childhood nickname.
16. You cringe when you hear someone from your city speak on national TV.
17. You been told wha' at least once in your life.
18. You know at least one person called Mackers.
19. Ballycastle is your most frequented holiday destination.
20. Your Granny had a framed picture of the Pope or the Queen in the living room but not both.
21. Jim McDonald from Coronation Street and Eamonn Holmes embarrass you.
21. The most common phrase used when you are slightly surprised at something is: 'Here's me wha!!??'
22. You can tell what religion somebody is by the side of the road they walk on.
23. You spend every Christmas Eve in your local and have the EXACT same conversations as the year before.
24. You are 27, married with 2 kids, a dog and have a mortgage of your own, but if you are home for Christmas and your parents are away for a couple of days you still think: 'Sweet, free house!'
25. You have been to "Dempsey's" for an 18th/16th birthday party
26. You can remember seeing soldiers walk down your street with guns in the middle of the day for no apparent reason
27. Lavery's Middle Bar was the height of your teenage social life
28 You have purchased a single cigarette at some stage of your life
29 A member of the opposite religion has been "after you"
30 You frequented a country park or waste ground each weekend to drink alcohol
31 When the police were in the vicinity some one always greeted them with the phrase "SS RUC"
32 You have used the phrase "will you see me/my mate"
33 You have shoplifted in Virgin Megastores (RIP)
34 You have been "de-begged"
35. Your main argument for anything you disagreed with was 'sure nah!'
36. The smell of slurry in the country makes you gag.
37. You still think people who live in the cities of Newry and Ballymena are Culchies.
38. You didn't do graffiti; you gave yourself a 'mention on a wall'.
39. You remember Leisure World being the best toy shop in 'the whole whil' world'.
40. You have "pinged a windy" at some stage
41. Anyone who doesn't have a 1 back and sides is a "hippy"
42. You have at some stage shaved your head, leaving a stupid wee fringe at the front, which you may have dyed blonde for that distinctive Belfast look
43. You know what a steeko is, and have a tendency to turn into one after a few beers
44. You have had a telling off from your da which began with the phrase ´listen sonny jim...´
45. You have a mild addiction to pastie baps
46. You have at least once in your life considered sniffing glue
47. You have at least one ginger mate, who you call ´Fanta pants´ at least three times a day
48. You know what a barrack buster is, and at one time this was your favourite carry-out
49. You have at some point slegged someone for wearing two-striper trackie bottoms
50. When some millie's annoyed she says, "Oh mummy!! What are you like!!?"
51. When your granny says "Yer ar$e is parsley!!!"
52. When you say in disgust at a lie yer mate told, "Aye rite dead on ball bag!!"
53. When you've ordered drink after hours from 'dial a drink'
54. Everyday you call at least 1 person a 'melter'
55. You've said 'I'm gonna get my big brooar for ye, or I'm gonna get my da for ye."
56. You have walked to the top of the cave hill until you get to what is known as 'Napoleon's Nose'
57. You have told the taxi man to leave you to the waste ground where you learned to drink ran away until you are a safe distance away to shout slurs at the taxi man such as 'and here, if you try and chase me, my mates gonna steal your car'
58. You have bought '5 lighters for a pound!'
59. You have been in some sort of riot
60. If you want to buy something semi legal like a dope pipe or martial arts weapons (ninja star, nunchucks that sort of thing) you go to Smithfield market

[johnneycool]

A priest is checking into a hotel and he quietly whispers to the receptionist 'I trust the porn is disabled'.

The receptions replies in disgust, 'get away ye pervert ye, it's straight, gay or lesbian, none of that weird shite here'.

[ziggysego]

What's weird about disabled?

[SidelineKick]

What's weird about disabled?

Not a thing Ziggy.

[full back]

A man walks into a bar, and half his head is an orange.

He sits down, orders a drink. The bartender eyes him warily, but gets him what he wants. The man sits sipping the drink, idly watching the football game on the bar television. After a while, he runs dry and orders another.

"Tell you what," says the bartender, "this next one's on the house -- but you've got to tell me what happened to your head. I don't mean to be rude there, but..."

The man smiles. "No, not at all. I get this all the time.

Well, it started with the Gulf War. I was a young kid fresh out of high school, but I was poor. I needed money for college, and the Army looked like a good way out of the ghetto. But then they shipped me over to Kuwait. My platoon took some heavy fire during Desert Storm, and I was separated from them.

I wandered the desert for days, with only the contents of my pack to sustain me. I ran out of water, I ran out of food. I was desperate, on the virge of death -- when suddenly, I saw a glint of metal in the distance...

I forced myself onward, hoping the shining brightness was a glint of gunmetal from my platoon, or a city on the horizon, or anything. When I finally reached it, it was a piece of metal half-buried in the sand. I dug around it and excavated what appeared to be an old Persian oil lamp.

There was an inscription on the lamp, too covered in dust to read. I rubbed at the embossed lettering -- and then, a swirl of smoke and light surrounded me. Suddenly, before me, stood a ten-foot tall being, dressed in traditional Arabian garb, arms crossed.

'I am the Djinni of the lamp,' said the entity. 'For releasing me, I shall grant you three wishes. What is your first wish, my master?'

I was incredulous, of course. I deduced I must be hallucinating, that this was desert madness. I decided to test the mirage. 'Alright,' I tasked it, 'I wish for a wallet with a million dollars in it, that I can never lose, and whenever I take any money out of it the sum is immediately replenished.'

'Your wish is granted!' boomed the Djinni. I felt a bulge in one of my uniform pockets. Reaching in, I pulled out a new wallet, stuffed to bursting with crisp, new American bills. I counted them -- sure enough, it was a million dollars. I ripped up the bills, cast them to the four winds, and threw the wallet as hard as I could. The moment it was beyond my sight, it teleported instantaneously back to my pocket, refilled with another million dollars.

'What is you second wish, my master?'

I pondered the notion for a long moment, assessing my needs. 'Djinni,' I said, 'for my second wish, I want to be transported to a cool, abandoned palace, into a harem room with a hundred beautiful young virgins who will all fall madly in love with me at first sight, before a buffet table set with a feast fit for a king.'

'Your wish is granted!' Poof! I found myself in a royal harem, escaped from the heat of the desert. All around me, nubile girls eyed me with keen interest. In front of me, every conceivable type of meat was roasted to perfect tenderness, set with all the appetizers, side-dishes, salads, soups, and desserts of the four corners of the globe.

I dined until I was near-bloated, and then I had a lot of sex. I mean a lot. Several hours later, laying upon a bed of feathers, brown and blonde and red haired beauties nuzzling into me like puppies at their mother's underbelly, the Djinni stood before me, looking down in satisfaction at his work so far.

'What is your third wish, my master?'

I thought long and hard. Truly, this last wish tasked the very limits of my imagination, my beliefs, my ethics, my philosophy. Hours passed in silence, save for the gentle snoring of the ladies surrounding me.

At last, I spoke.

'Djinni, for my third wish' and I kinda regret this now 'I want half my head to be an orange.'

[longball]

A man walks into a bar, and half his head is an orange.

He sits down, orders a drink. The bartender eyes him warily, but gets him what he wants. The man sits sipping the drink, idly watching the football game on the bar television. After a while, he runs dry and orders another.

"Tell you what," says the bartender, "this next one's on the house -- but you've got to tell me what happened to your head. I don't mean to be rude there, but..."

The man smiles. "No, not at all. I get this all the time.

Well, it started with the Gulf War. I was a young kid fresh out of high school, but I was poor. I needed money for college, and the Army looked like a good way out of the ghetto. But then they shipped me over to Kuwait. My platoon took some heavy fire during Desert Storm, and I was separated from them.

I wandered the desert for days, with only the contents of my pack to sustain me. I ran out of water, I ran out of food. I was desperate, on the virge of death -- when suddenly, I saw a glint of metal in the distance...

I forced myself onward, hoping the shining brightness was a glint of gunmetal from my platoon, or a city on the horizon, or anything. When I finally reached it, it was a piece of metal half-buried in the sand. I dug around it and excavated what appeared to be an old Persian oil lamp.

There was an inscription on the lamp, too covered in dust to read. I rubbed at the embossed lettering -- and then, a swirl of smoke and light surrounded me. Suddenly, before me, stood a ten-foot tall being, dressed in traditional Arabian garb, arms crossed.

'I am the Djinni of the lamp,' said the entity. 'For releasing me, I shall grant you three wishes. What is your first wish, my master?'

I was incredulous, of course. I deduced I must be hallucinating, that this was desert madness. I decided to test the mirage. 'Alright,' I tasked it, 'I wish for a wallet with a million dollars in it, that I can never lose, and whenever I take any money out of it the sum is immediately replenished.'

'Your wish is granted!' boomed the Djinni. I felt a bulge in one of my uniform pockets. Reaching in, I pulled out a new wallet, stuffed to bursting with crisp, new American bills. I counted them -- sure enough, it was a million dollars. I ripped up the bills, cast them to the four winds, and threw the wallet as hard as I could. The moment it was beyond my sight, it teleported instantaneously back to my pocket, refilled with another million dollars.

'What is you second wish, my master?'

I pondered the notion for a long moment, assessing my needs. 'Djinni,' I said, 'for my second wish, I want to be transported to a cool, abandoned palace, into a harem room with a hundred beautiful young virgins who will all fall madly in love with me at first sight, before a buffet table set with a feast fit for a king.'

'Your wish is granted!' Poof! I found myself in a royal harem, escaped from the heat of the desert. All around me, nubile girls eyed me with keen interest. In front of me, every conceivable type of meat was roasted to perfect tenderness, set with all the appetizers, side-dishes, salads, soups, and desserts of the four corners of the globe.

I dined until I was near-bloated, and then I had a lot of sex. I mean a lot. Several hours later, laying upon a bed of feathers, brown and blonde and red haired beauties nuzzling into me like puppies at their mother's underbelly, the Djinni stood before me, looking down in satisfaction at his work so far.

'What is your third wish, my master?'

I thought long and hard. Truly, this last wish tasked the very limits of my imagination, my beliefs, my ethics, my philosophy. Hours passed in silence, save for the gentle snoring of the ladies surrounding me.

At last, I spoke.

'Djinni, for my third wish' and I kinda regret this now 'I want half my head to be an orange.'

that is the worst ever

[el_cuervo_fc]

Possibly the best 

[illdecide]

 

[ziggysego]

I liked it lol

[timmyot501]

Its the World Amateur Wrestling Championship final. An undefeated Russian v a relatively new to the scene American. The Russian wrestler has progressed to the final due to his secret move known as the 'pretzel lock'. He had pinned every wrestler he had faced using this move and once in it his opponents found it impossible to get out. Nobody had every escaped from this move

So the fight starts. The American spends his time ducking and diving with the sole purpose of avoiding the pretzel lock and maybe landing a blow himself.  His trainer urges him on.  The crowd roar as the fight continues and the American stays out of trouble.  But the Russian makes his move and sure enough he has the American in the pretzel lock.  The crowd groan. The American's trainer can't look and turns away crestfallen. 

Suddenly there is a roar from the crowd and the Russian is flat out on the canvas.  The American takes the applause from the crowd and accepts the gold medal as his prize.

After the match, the trainer asked him, "How did you do it? He applied the pretzel lock on you. No one has ever escaped the hold and you escaped it with apparent ease. How did you do it? How?"

The American wrestler replied, "Well, I was in so much pain that I was trying to find the referee to concede, but I couldn't move or even shout.  Then I noticed a pair of testicles within reach so I stretched and managed to bite them as hard as I could"

"Its amazing the strength you get when you bite your own balls"

[illdecide]

FFS Timmy thats pish poor...lol

[Lothos]

I concur

[Stall the Bailer]

   Judge Judy to prostitute : 'When did you realize you were raped?'

    Prostitute, wiping away tears: 'When the cheque bounced.'

[timmyot501]

FFS Timmy thats pish poor...lol

Fair enough - u r prob right, I apologise.  But I have only posted one poor joke to this thread

[Hound]

On behalf of all the eejits, I'd like to ask someone to explain the half orange head lark....