Corny One for Friday

[Caid]

Courtesy of Mr Frankie Boyle:

"I was watching Jeremy Kyle the other day just thinking: where do they find these awful people?
Then it hit me - Glasgow."

"They're always going, don't deal with terrorists. Let's deal with them. What's Allah offering you boys, 100 virgins? We'll give you 50 slags."

"My plan is to re-criminalise homosexuality - so I can feel dirty when I do it ."

"Do you remember years ago, when they were making Braveheart, everyone said "Oh it's ridiculous, Mel Gibson playing a Scottish guy, that's not going to be very convincing..." and look at him now, an alcoholic racist"

"They say the Olympics is going to rekindle English national pride. I'm mean come on, for £9.2 billion you could've written "f**k Off Germany" onto the moon..."

"What's that Joker? You'll be back? You know somehow, I don't think you will be."

"I like storms, I like thunder and lightning. What I like to do during a storm, is shag my girlfriend and pretend that we're taking part in the conception of the Antichrist".

"Use the force, Luke. I've run out of lubricant."

"You're good at poker, Bond. But lets see how you do on the fruit machines."

On Worst Things for a Defendant to Say:
"Well I put it to you Your Honour, that this child is sexy."

[under the bar]

2008 Darwin Awards

Yes, it's that magical time of year again when the Darwin Awards are bestowed, honoring the least evolved among us.

Don't you have to die as a result of your act of stupidity to get a Darwin Award nomination?

[Homer]

2008 Darwin Awards

Yes, it's that magical time of year again when the Darwin Awards are bestowed, honoring the least evolved among us.

Don't you have to die as a result of your act of stupidity to get a Darwin Award nomination?

You can also get a nomination by unwittingly sterilizing yourself and thereby doing humanity a big favour in removing yourself from the gene pool.

[armaghniac]

A few candidates for the Darwin awards here.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=b6OzIszLgYw

[gallsman]

Is it just me, or have the Darwin Awards on this thread been the same for about four years now?

[ziggysego]

This guy came close to winning I bet

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lSqlvhSSOXc

[Double Cross]

Three Doctors discussing their countries medical achievements

Israeli doctor says "We took a kidney out of one man and put it in another and he was out looking for work in 6 months."

English doctor says "We took a lung out of one man and put it in another and he was out looking for work in 5 months!"

Irish doctor says "We took an arsehole out of Offaly and put it in the Dail and the whole country was out looking for work in 3 months..."

[illdecide]

An elderly Italian man who lived on the outskirts of Rimini went to the local church for confession.

When the priest slid open the panel in the confessional, the man said: 'Father .. During World War II, a beautiful Jewish woman from our neighbourhood knocked urgently on my door and asked me to hide her from the Nazis. So I hid her in my attic.'

The priest replied: 'That was a wonderful thing you did, and you have no need to confess that.'

'There is more to tell, Father... She started to repay me with sexual favours. This happened several times a week, and sometimes twice on Sundays.'

The priest said, 'That was a long time ago and by doing what you did, you placed the two of you in great danger. but two people under those circumstances can easily succumb to the weakness of the flesh. However, if you are truly sorry for your actions, you are indeed forgiven.'

'Thank you, Father. That's a great load off my mind. I do have one more question.'

'And what is that?' asked the priest.
'Should I tell her the war is over?''

[Muzz]

Any chance any of you have the Jade Goody calender? Can you check it - mine only seems to go up to March.

[gerry]

you could fill pages of jokes about jade goody here

[RedandGreenSniper]

Any chance any of you have the Jade Goody calender? Can you check it - mine only seems to go up to March.

That is pathetic

[Derry Dolly]

Any chance any of you have the Jade Goody calender? Can you check it - mine only seems to go up to March.

that is really not funny, regardless of your opinion of her the woman is dying of a terrible illness and as stated above, thats a pathetic statement.

[illdecide]

Any chance any of you have the Jade Goody calender? Can you check it - mine only seems to go up to March.

that is really not funny, regardless of your opinion of her the woman is dying of a terrible illness and as stated above, thats a pathetic statement.

Ignore them sick ones Dolly, i'll get you a real laugh...

[illdecide]

A woman went to a Asda service counter and told the clerk she wanted a
refund for the toaster she bought because it won't work The clerk told her
that he can't give her a refund because she bought it on special.

Suddenly, the woman threw her arms up in the air and started screaming,



'PINCH MY NIPPLES,
PINCH MY NIPPLES,
PINCH MY NIPPLES!!!!!!'

The befuddled clerk ran away to get the store manager
In front of a growing crowd of customers.

The manager comes to the woman and asks,'Ma'am what's wrong?'


She explains the problem with the toaster, and he also tells her that he
can't give her a refund because she bought it on special.

Once again, the woman throws her arms up in the air and screams,



'PINCH MY NIPPLES,
PINCH MY NIPPLES,
PINCH MY NIPPLES!'


Which begins to draw an even bigger crowd!

In shock, the store manager pleads,
'Ma'am, why are you saying that?'


In a huff, the woman says,





'BECAUSE, I LIKE TO HAVE
MY NIPPLES PINCHED
WHEN I'M BEING SCREWED!'

The crowd broke into applause and her money was quickly refunded!

[StGallsGAA]

13 year-old dad Alfie Patten has decided to join Fathers for Justice.  He doesn't quite understand the politics but he already has a Spiderman costume...