Corny One for Friday

[illdecide]

I'm pretty sure this has been about before but i haven't time to search thru all the jokes...

> Baked Beans - This is hilarious!

> One day I met a sweet gentleman and fell in love.  When it became
apparent that we would marry, I made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans.
> Some time later, on my birthday, my car broke down on the way home
> from work.  Since I lived in the countryside I called my husband and
> told him that  I would be late because I had to walk home.  On my way,

> I passed by a small diner and the odor of baked beans was  more than I

> could stand. With miles to walk, I figured that I would walk off any
ill effects by the time I reached home, so I stopped at the diner and before I knew  it, I had consumed three large orders of baked beans.
All the way home, I made sure that I released all the gas.
> Upon my arrival, my husband seemed excited to see me and exclaimed
delightedly: 'Darling I have a surprise for dinner tonight.' He then blindfolded me and led me to my chair at the dinner table. I took a seat and just as he was about to remove my blindfold,the telephone rang.  He made me promise not to touch the blindfold until he returned and went to answer the call.
> The baked beans I had consumed were still affecting me and the
pressure was becoming most unbearable, so while my husband was out of the room I seized the opportunity, shifted my weight to one leg and let one go. It was not only loud, but it smelled like a fertilizer truck running over a skunk in front of a pulpwood mill. I took my napkin from my lap and fanned the air around me vigorously.
Then, shifting to the other cheek,I ripped off three more. The stink was worse than cooked cabbage.
> Keeping my ears carefully tuned to the conversation in the other
room,I went on like this for another few minutes.
The pleasure was indescribable.  When eventually the telephone farewells signalled the end of my freedom,  I quickly fanned the air a few more times with my napkin, placed it on my lap and folded my hands back on it feeling very relieved and pleased  with myself.
> 
> My face must have been the picture of innocence when my husband
returned, apologizing for taking so long.  He asked me if I had peeked through the blindfold, and I assured him I had not.

> At this point, he removed the blindfold, and twelve dinner guests
seated around the table chorused: 'Happy Birthday!'
> 
> 
> I fainted!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[Orior]

Q. Name a footballer who played for Ireland whose surname begins with K.

A. Harte.

Hmmmm.... *ponders*..... nope, aint gotta a clue

[RedandGreenSniper]

Fcuk, that made me laugh again.

A team of Irish internationals from the last fifteen years whose surname starts with K. Formation is 4-4-2

              
Kelly Kernoghan Harte

Kilbane Keane Kavanagh

        Keane Kelly

Had me in stitches too! And we haven't heard from the green man since

[the green man]

it is funny

[RedandGreenSniper]

Good man

[thebandit]

Q. Name a footballer who played for Ireland whose surname begins with K.

A. Harte.

I still dont get it

[illdecide]

A small zoo in Glasgow acquired a very rare species of gorilla. Within a few weeks the gorilla, a female, became very difficult to handle.

Upon examination, the veterinarian determined the problem. The gorilla was in season. To make matters worse, there was no male gorilla available.

Thinking about their problem, the Zoo Keeper thought of Bobby McKay, a local lad & part-time worker responsible for cleaning the animal cages.

Bobby, like many of the Glasgow menfolk,20 had little sense but possessed ample ability to satisfy a female of any species.

The Zoo Keeper thought they might have a solution.

Bobby was approached with a proposition. Would he be willing to mate with the gorilla for £500 ?

Bobby showed some interest, but said he would have to think the matter over carefully.

The following day, he announced that he would accept their offer, but only under four conditions:

1. "First", Bobby said, "Ah'm no gonnae kiss her on the lips.." The Keeper quickly agreed to this condition.

2. "Second", he said, "Ye cannae never tell naebody aboot this." The Keeper again readily agreed to this condition.

3. "Third", Bobby said, "I want all the weans raised as  "Celtic  fans." Once again it was agreed.

4. "And last of all", Bobby stated, "Ye'll need tae gie me anither week to come up with the £500"

[Orior]

A man walks into a pet shop and says: "I'd like to buy a wasp please."

The man behind the counter laughs and says: "I'm sorry sir, but we don't sell wasps in here, this is a pet shop."

The man replies: "Well, there was one in the window yesterday!"

[RedandGreenSniper]

Get your coat time Orior methinks

[Ball Hopper]

You have got to read through this one.  It puts a lot of light on things.  Do not scroll down and spoil the ending.
 



Is It NBA Or NFL?

               


36 have been accused of spousal abuse




7 have been arrested for fraud





19  have been accused of writing bad checks   





117  have directly or indirectly bankrupted at least 2 businesses




3 have done time for assault   



71, repeat   71   cannot  get a credit card due to bad credit


14  have been arrested on drug-related charges   


8  have been arrested for shoplifting   



21  currently are defendants in lawsuits, and   




84 have been arrested for drunk driving   in  the last year   


Can you guess which organization this is?   

Give up yet? . . Scroll down,   





slowly...
















Neither the NBA or the NFL...





it's the 435 members of the United States Congress   !!!!!!

[The Blegard]

I've got 2 dogs.
I bought a large bag of Meaty Bites at Big W and was standing in line at the check-out. A woman behind me asked if I had a dog. On impulse, I told her that no, I was starting The Meaty Bites Diet again, although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 25 kgs before I woke in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IV's in both arms.
I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Meaty Bites and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry & that the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again. I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now  enthralled with my story, particularly a guy who was behind her.
Horrified, she asked if I'd ended up in the hospital in that condition because I had been poisoned by the food.
I told her no, it was because I'd  been sitting in the middle of the road licking my dick and a car hitme.
I thought one guy was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard as he staggered out the door.
Stupid Bitch...why else would I buy dog food.

[illdecide]

One day, a man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a very Sexy nightie.
'Tie me up,' she purred, 'and you can do anything you want.' So he tied her up and went golfing.
                                             

A woman came home, screeching her car into the driveway, and ran into the house.
She slammed the door and shouted at the top of her lungs, 'Honey, pack your bags. I won the lottery!'
The husband said, 'Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?'
'Doesn't matter,' she said. 'Just get out.'


Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right, and the other is a husband.
                                             


A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver's license.
First, of course, he had to take an eye sight test.
The optician showed him a card with the letters   
 
'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.'
'Can you read this?' the optician asked.
'Read it?' the Polish guy replied, 'I know the guy.'




Mother Superior called all the nuns together and said to them, 'I must tell you all something. We have a case of gonorrhea in the convent.' 'Thank God,' said an elderly nun at the back. 'I'm so tired of chardonay.' 



A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband.
Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen.
'Careful,' he said, 'CAREFUL! Put in some  more butter! Oh my gosh!
You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my gosh! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER?
They're going to STICK! Careful. CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the! salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!'
The wife stared at him.
'What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?'
The husband calmly replied, 'I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving.'               

[illdecide]

A Glasgow man met a beautiful lady and he decided he wanted to marry her right away. She protested, 'But we don't know anything about each other.'
He replied, 'That's all right, we'll learn about each other as we go along. So she consented, and they were married, and went on a honeymoon to a very nice resort.
One morning, they were lying by the pool when he got up took off his towel, climbed up to the 10 metre board and did a two and a half tuck, entering the water perfectly, almost without a ripple. This was followed by three rotations in jack-knife position before he again straightened out and cut the water like a knife. After a few more demonstrations, he came back and lay down on his towel.
She said, 'That was incredible!'

He said, 'I used to be an Olympic diving champion.. You see, I told you we'd learn more about ourselves as we went along.'
Then she got up, jumped in the pool and started doing laps. She was moving so fast that the froth from her pushing off at one end of the pool would hardly be gone before she was already touching the other end of the Pool.  She did lengths in freestyle, breaststroke, even butterfly!
After about thirty lengths, completed in mere minutes, she climbed back out and lay down on her towel, barely breathing hard.
He said, 'That was amazing! Were you an Olympic endurance swimmer?'
No, she said, 'I was a hooker in Govan and I worked both sides of the Clyde'

[illdecide]

A drunk man who smelled like beer sat down on a subway next to a priest.
The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half-empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading. After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked, 'Say Father, what causes arthritis?'
The priest replies, 'My Son, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, contempt for your fellow man, sleeping around with prostitutes and lack of a bath.'
The drunk muttered in response, 'Well,
I'll be damned,' Then returned to his paper.
The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized.
'I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?'
The drunk answered, 'I don't have it,
Father...I was just reading here that the Pope does.'

[illdecide]

 



 
Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked,
'How old was your husband?' '98,' she replied.
'Two years older than me'
'So you're 96,' the undertaker commented.
She responded , 'Hardly worth going home, is it?


 



 



 
Reporters interviewing a 104-year-old woman:
'And what do you think is the best thing
About being 104?' the reporter asked.
She simply replied, 'No peer pressure.'


 



 



 
The nice thing about being senile is
You can hide your own Easter eggs.


 



 



 
I've sure gotten old!   
I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement,
New knees, fought prostate cancer and diabetes
I'm half blind,
Can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine,
Take 40 different medications that
Make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts.
Have bouts with dementia.
Have poor circulation;
Hardly feel my hands and feet anymore.
Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92.
Have lost all my friends. But, thank God,
I still have my driver's license.


 



 



 
I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape,
So I got my doctor's permission to
Join a fitness club and start exercising.
I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors.
I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour. But,
By the time I got my leotards on,
The class was over.


 



 
 



 



 
My memory's not as sharp as it used to be.
Also, my memory's not as sharp as it used to be.


 



 



 
Know how to prevent sagging?
Just eat till the wrinkles fill out.


 



 



 
It's scary when you start making the same noises
As your coffee maker.


 



 
These days about half the stuff
In my shopping cart says,
' For fast relief.'

THE SENILITY PRAYER :
Grant me the senility to forget the people
I never liked anyway,
The good fortune to run into the ones I do, and
The eyesight to tell the difference.