Corny One for Friday

[illdecide]

Not really that funny but wrth reading:

THE VALUE OF A DRINK


'Sometimes when I reflect back on all the wine I drink I feel shame   Then I
look into the glass and think about the workers in the vineyards and all of
their hopes and dreams. If I didn't drink this wine, they might be out of work
and their dreams would be shattered.
Then I say to myself, 'It is better that I drink this wine and let their dreams
come true than be selfish and worry about my liver.'
~ Jack Handy
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell
happened to your bra and panties.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
'I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning,
that's as good as they're going to feel all day. '
~ Frank Sinatra ~
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are
tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
'When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.'
~ Henny Youngman ~
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing
WITH you.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
'24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence?   I think not.'
~ Stephen Wright  ~
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
'When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk, we fall asleep. When we fall
asleep, we commit no sin.
When we commit no sin, we go to heaven. So, let's all get drunk and go to
heaven!'
~ Brian O'Rourke ~
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause pregnancy.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
'Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.'
~ Benjamin Franklin ~
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a retard.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
'Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh,
I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go
nearly as well with pizza.'
~ Dave Barry ~
  WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your friends over
and over again that you love them.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
To some it's a six-pack, to me it's a Support Group. Salvation in a can!
~ Dave Howell ~
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically
converse with members of the opposite sex without spitting.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
And saving the best for last, as explained by Cliff Clavin, of Cheers.
One afternoon at Cheers, Cliff Clavin was explaining the ' Buffalo Theory' to
his buddy Norm.
Here's how it went:
'Well ya see, Norm, it's like this... A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as
the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest
ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the
herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps
improving by the regular killing of the weakest members. In much the same way,
the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive
intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the
slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer
eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient
machine. That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers',

[illdecide]

There were two Catholic boys, Timothy Murphy and Antonio Secola, whose lives paralleled each other in amazing ways. In the same year Timothy was born in Ireland, Antonio was born in Italy
Faithfully they attended parochial School from kindergarten through their senior year in high school. They took their vows to enter the priesthood early in college, and upon graduation, became priests.
Their careers had come to amaze the world, but it was generally acknowledged that Antonio Secola was just a cut above Timothy Murphy in all respects.
Their rise through the ranks of Bishop, Archbishop and finally Cardinal was swift to say the least, and the Catholic world knew that, when the present Pope died, it would be one of the two who would become the next Pope.
In time the Pope did die, and the College of Cardinals went to work. In less time than anyone had expected, white smoke rose from the chimney and the world waited to see whom they had chosen.
The world, Catholic, Protestant and secular, was surprised to learn that Timothy Murphy had been elected Pope!
Antonio Secola was beyond surprise.  He was devastated, because even with all of Timothy's gifts, Antonio knew he was the better qualified.
With gall that shocked the Cardinals, Antonio Secola asked for a private session with them in which he candidly asked, 'Why Timothy?'
After a long silence, an old Cardinal took pity on the bewildered man and rose to reply. 'We knew you were the better of the two, but we just could not bear the thought of the leader of the Roman Catholic Church being called POPE SECOLA.'

[Our Nail Loney]

Why did the tiger get lost in the jungle?

Because it's f**king massive.
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Whats black and white and eats like a horse?

A zebra
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What's the fastest cake in the word?

Scone.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Whats got 2 wings, 8 legs and 3 heads?

A man on a horse holding a parrot.
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What do the Inland Revenue and a pelican have in common?

They can both stick their bills up their arse.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
How do you turn a duck into a soul singer?

Microwave it until it's Bill Withers.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
How do you make a dog drink?

Liquidise the f**ker.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
What do you call a train that doesn't stop at any stations?

Thomas the ****.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
What's brown and sticky?

A stick.

[Our Nail Loney]

This guy is buying a house. And as most people do when buying properties, especially in the current financial climate, he has a look inside.

"oh what a boring house this is" says the man. (let's just call him John) You see, inside the house is nothing but grey. A very boring very grey house.

EXCEPT!!! There is one door. one door that is not grey my friends, but a mix between purple and blue.

So John opens the purpley-blue door, and sees to his amazement a purpley-blue world.

There's purpley-blue grass, purpley-blue rivers, a purpley-blue postman that allways delivers.

purpley-blue dogs, purpley-blue cats, purpley-blue people wearing purpley-blue hats.

so he walks up to a purpley-blue tree, and feeling mighty peckish, he picks a purpley-blue apple, and takes a bite.

at that moment he hears a noise

"ello ello ello, wassallthisthen" says the purpley-blue Policement.

"i was just eating a purpley-blue apple," says john.

"can't do that" says the purpley-blue policeman "you aint purpley-blue!"

after a lengthy exchange between cop and criminal, it is decided that John is under arrest.


The purpley-blue policeman drags john to the purpley-blue police station, down some purpley-blue stairs and into the purpley-blue prisons.

He drags John to a purpley-blue cell, opens the purpley-blue door and says


INDIGO

[youngfella]

FEMALE GEOGRAPHY
- Between 18 and 25, a woman is like Africa: wild, naturally beautiful and full of mysterious, fertile deltas.

- Between 26 and 34, a woman is like America: well-developed and open for trade, especially for those with stacks of money.

- Between 35 and 44, a woman is like India: sensual, relaxed, in full bloom, aware of her beauty.

- Between 45 and 54, a woman is like France: deliciously mature, still a pleasant destination to visit.

- Between 55 and 60, a woman is like Yugoslavia: a lost war, haunted by the mistakes of the past. Major reconstruction work ismostlythe only answer.

- Between 61 and 65, a woman is like Russia: vast, with undefined frontier. The cold climate puts off any potential visitors.

- Between 66and 70, a woman is like Mongolia: a glorious past, great conquests, but without a future.

- After 70, a woman is like Afghanistan: many know its whereabouts, but no-one dares to venture there...

And now the male

MALE GEOGRAPHY
Between 15 and 90, a man is like Zimbabwe: ruled by a dick...

[illdecide]

I'm pretty sure this has been done before but i couldn't be bothered checking...

Peter Kay One Liners


1) I saw a fat woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on it. I said 'Thyroid problem?'

2) When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bike. Then I realised that The Lord doesn't
  work that way, so I stole one and asked him to forgive me.

3) I've often wanted to drown my troubles, but I can't get my wife to go swimming.

4) I was doing some decorating, so I got out my step-ladder. I don't get on with my real ladder.

5) I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time'. So I ordered French Toast during the  Renaissance.

6) A cement mixer collided with a prison van on the Kingston Bypass.
Motorists are asked to be on the
lookout for 16 hardened criminals.

7) Well I was bullied at school, called all kinds of different names.
But one day I turned to my bullies and
  said 'Sticks and stones may break my bones but names will never hurt me', and it worked!
  From there on it was sticks and stones all the way.

My Dad used to say 'always fight fire with fire', which is probably why he got thrown out of the fire brigade.

9) Sex is like playing bridge: If you don't have a good partner, you better have a good hand.

10) I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbour said 'Aren't you going to help?'
   I said 'No, six should be enough.'

11) If we aren't supposed to eat animals, then why are they made out of meat?

12) I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers.

13) You know that look women get when they want sex? No, me neither.

14) Politicians are wonderful people as long as they stay away from things they don't understand,
   such as working for a living.

15) I was the kid next door's imaginary friend.

16) Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I think I've forgotten this before

PETER KAY'S UNIVERSAL TRUTHS

1) Triangular sandwiches taste better than square ones.

2) At the end of every party there is always a girl crying.

3) One of the most awkward things that can happen in a pub is when your pint-to-toilet cycle  gets synchronised with a complete stranger.

4) Sharpening a pencil with a knife makes you feel really manly.

5) You're never quite sure whether it's against the law or not to have a fire in your back garden.

6) Nobody ever dares make cup-a-soup in a bowl.

7) You never know where to look when eating a banana.

You always feel a bit scared when stroking horses.

9) The smaller the monkey the more it looks like it would kill you at the first given opportunity.

10) Every bloke has at some stage while taking a pee, flushed half way through and then
   raced against the flush.

11) It's impossible to look cool whilst picking up a Frisbee.

12) Driving through a tunnel makes you feel excited.

13) Old ladies can eat more than you think.

14) You can't respect a man who carries a dog.

15) Despite constant warnings when you're a kid, you have never met anybody who has had
   their arm broken by a swan.

16) You've turned into your dad the day you put aside a thin piece of wood specifically to stir
    paint with.

17) Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

SOME GREAT QUESTIONS BROUGHT TO YOU BY PETER KAY

1) Why does your gynaecologist leave the room when you get undressed?

2) If a person owns a piece of land do they own it all the way down to the core of the earth?

3) Why can't women put on mascara with their mouth closed?

4) Is it possible to brush your teeth without wiggling your bottom?

5) Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say,  'My name is Peter and I am an alcoholic'?

6) Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?

7) Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?

Why does mineral water that 'has trickled through mountains for centuries' have a 'use by' date?

9) Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp no one would eat?

10) Is French kissing in France just called kissing?

11) Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, 'I think I'll squeeze these dangly things
    here and drink whatever comes out'?

12) What do people in China call their good quality plates?

13) Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their crotch
    when they ask where the bathroom is?

14) What do you call male ballerinas?

15) Why is a person that handles your money called a 'Broker'?

16) If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

17) If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is
   baby oil made from?

18) Why is it that when someone tells you that there are over a billion stars in the universe,
   you believe them, but if they tell you there is wet paint somewhere, you have to touch
   it to make sure?   

[illdecide]

A Muslim was sitting next to Paddy on a plane. Paddy odered a whiskey.
> The stewardess asked the Muslim if he'd like a drink.
>
> He replied in disgust 'I'd rather be raped by a dozen whores than let
> liquor touch my lips!'
>
> Paddy handed his drink back & said 'Me too, I didnt know we had a
> choice!'
>
> -----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
>
> Paddy calls Easyjet to book a flight. The operator asks 'How many
> people are flying with you?'
>
> Paddy replies 'I dont know! Its your f***ing plane!!'
>
> -----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
>
> Paddy & Murphy are working on a building site. Paddy says to Murphy
> 'Im gonna have the day off, Im gonna prtend Im mad!'
>
> He climbs up the rafters , hangs upside down & shouts 'I'M A
> LIGHTBULB! I'M A LIGHTBULB!' Murphy watches in amazement!
>
> The Foreman shouts 'Paddy you're mad, go home' So he leaves the site.
>
> Murphy starts packing his kit up to leave as well.
>
> 'Where the hell are you going?' asks the Foreman.
>
> 'I cant work in the friggin dark! ' says Murphy.
>
> -----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
>
> Two Irish couples decided to swap partners for the night. After 3
> hours of amazing sex Paddy says 'I wonder how the girls are getting
> on'
>
> -----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
>
> Paddy takes his new wife to bed on their wedding night. She undresses
> & lies on the bed spreadeagled & says 'You know what I want dont you?'
>
> 'Yeah,' says Paddy. 'The whole friggin bed by the looks of it!'
>
> -----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
>
> Q. What have a Catholic priest & a pint of Guiness got in common?
>
> A. black coat, white collar & you've got to watch your arse if you get
> a dodgy one!
>
> -----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
>
> Paddy the electrician got sacked from the U.S. prison service for not
> servicing the electric chair. He said in his professional opinion it
> was a death trap!
>
> -----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
>
> Paddy's chat up lines:
>
> 1. Did ya fart? 'Cos ya just blew me away!
> 2. Are your parents retarded? 'Cos your special!
> 3. My love for you is like diarrhoea. I just cant hold it in!
> 4. Is there a mirror in your knickers? 'Cos I can see myself in them!
> 5. Your body reminds me of a spanner. Everytime I think of you my nuts
> tighten up!
> 6. You might not be the best looking girl in here, but beauty is only
> a light switch away!
>
> -----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
>
> Paddy, the Irish boyfriend of the woman whos head was found on
> Arbroath beach was asked to identify her. A detective held up the head
> to which point Paddy said 'I dont think thats her, she wasnt that
> tall!'
>
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
> Paddy & his wife are lying in bed & the neighbours dog is barking like
> mad in the garden. Paddy says 'To hell with this!' & storms off.
>
> He comes back upstairs 5 mins later & his wife asks 'What did you do?'
>
> Paddy replies 'Ive put the dog in our garden, lets see how they like
> it!'
>
> -----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
>
> An Irishman is shagging a Jewish girl & says 'You're not very tight
> for a Jew!'
>
> She says 'Well you're not very thick for a Paddy!'
>
> -----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
>
> Paddy is said to be shocked at finding out all his cows have
> Bluetongue. 'Be Jeysus!' he said, 'I didnt even know they had mobile
> phones!'
>
> -----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
>
> An Irishman is rowing his boat in a field of hay. Paddy drives past &
> stops. He looks at the Irishman in the boat & shouts 'Its thick c**ts
> like you that give us Irish a bad name! I'd come over there & kick the
> f**k out of you if I could swim!'

[illdecide]

The International Council of Man Laws.

1: Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.
2: It is OK for a man to cry ONLY under the following circumstances:
(a) When a heroic dog dies to save its master.
(b) The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her Blouse.
(c) After wrecking your boss's car.
(d) When she is using her teeth.
3: Any man who brings a camera to a stag night may be legally killed and eaten by his friends.
4: If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits forever unless you actually marry her.
5: Moaning about the brand of free beer in a mate's fridge is forbidden. However complain at will if the temperature is unsuitable.
6: No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man. In fact, even remembering your mate's birthday is strictly optional. At that point, you must celebrate at a strip bar of the birthday boy's choice.
7: In the mini-bus, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the weakest.
8: When stumbling upon other blokes watching a sporting event, you may ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's playing.
9: You may fart in front of a woman only after you have brought her to climax. If you trap her head under the covers for the purpose of flatulent entertainment (commonly known as a Dutch oven), she's officially your girlfriend.
10: It is permissible to drink a fruity alcohol drink only when you're sunning on a tropical beach ... and it's delivered by a topless model and only when it's free.
11: Only in situations of mortal and/or physical peril are you allowed to kick another guy in the nuts.
12: Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.
13: Friends don't let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed.
14: If a man's fly is down, that's his problem, you didn't see anything.
15: Women who claim they 'love to watch sports' must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to drink as much as the other sports watchers.
16: A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain sober enough to fight.
17: Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza, but not both, that's just greedy.
18: If you compliment a guy on his six-pack, you'd better be talking about his choice of beer.
19: Never join your girlfriend or wife in discussing a friend of yours, except if she's withholding sex pending your response.
20: Never talk to a man in a bathroom unless you are on equal footing i.e., both urinating, both waiting in line, etc. For all other situations, an almost imperceptible nod is all the conversation you need.
21: Never allow a telephone conversation with a woman to go on longer than you are able to have sex with her. Keep a stopwatch by the phone. Hang up if necessary.
22: The morning after you and a girl who was formerly 'just a friend' have carnal, drunken monkey sex. The fact that you're feeling weird and guilty is no reason for you not to nail each other again before the discussion occurs about what a big mistake it was.
23: It is acceptable for you to drive her car. It is not acceptable for her to drive yours.
24: Thou shall not buy a car in the colours of brown, pink, lime green, orange or sky blue.
25: The girl who replies to the question 'What do you want for Christmas?' with 'If you loved me, you'd know what I want!' gets an Xbox 360 End of story.
26: There is no reason for guys to watch Ice Skating or Men's Gymnastics. Ever.
27: It is not permissible to make eye contact when watching porn with your mates. Furthermore, this is only one of two circumstances under which it is allowed to have an erection with friends in the room, the other being when you are 'spit roasting' a woman.
28: We've all heard about people having guts or balls. But do you really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, the definition of each is listed below:
* 'GUTS' is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being assaulted by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to say, 'are you still cleaning or are you flying somewhere?'
* 'BALLS' is coming home late after a night out with the guys smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife square on the ass and having the balls to say, 'You're next fatty!'

I hope this clears up any confusion,
The International Council of Man Laws

[5 Sams]

This has probably been on here before but I couldn't be arsed lookin


The Perils of Christmas Shopping


A young man called Ronan from Craigavon wanted to buy a Christmas present for his new girlfriend. They hadn't been seeing each other for very long and she lived in Bleary.

Ronan consulted with his sister and decided, after careful consideration, that a pair of good quality gloves would strike the right note... not too romantic and not too personal.

Off he went with his sister to Debenhams and they selected a dainty pair of fur lined quality leather gloves. His sister bought a pair of sexy knickers for herself at the same time.

Debenhams had a free gift wrap offer but the assistant mixed up the two items, the sister got the gloves and Ronan unknowingly got the knickers.

Good old Ronan sent off his gift wrapped present in a parcel with the following letter.

"Dear Sasha,

I chose these because I've noticed that you are not wearing any when we go out in the evenings. If it had not been for my sister I would have chosen the long ones with buttons, but she wears shorter ones which are easier to remove).

These are a very delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from showed me the pair she had been wearing for the past three weeks and they were hardly soiled at all.

I had her try yours on for me and she looked really smart in them even though they were a little bit tight on her. She also said that they rub against her ring which helps keep it clean. In fact she hasn't needed to wash it since she began wearing them.

I wish I was there to put them on for you the first time, as no doubt many other hands will touch them before I have a chance to see you again.

When you take them off remember to blow into them a little bit because they will be naturally a little damp from wearing. Just imagine how many times my lips will kiss them during the coming year.

I hope you will wear them for me on our next date.

All my love,

Ronan.

P.S. My mum tells me that the latest style is to wear them folded down
with a little bit of fur showing "

[armaghniac]

This has probably been on here before but I couldn't be arsed lookin

This joke dates back to the 19th century, so long ago that it is before Down won their All Irelands.

[5 Sams]

This has probably been on here before but I couldn't be arsed lookin

This joke dates back to the 19th century, so long ago that it is before Down won their All Irelands.

Excellent reply Armaghniac......as usual.....


Note that the phrase in bold above in your quote is in the plural

[armaghniac]

Excellent reply Armaghniac......as usual.....

It was quickly composed, had I thought about I would have said "many years before Down won their first Ulster championship".

Note that the phrase in bold above in your quote is in the plural

Thanks to my good education at the Abbey, at least I didn't write All Ireland's!

[Tyrones own]

'Talking Dog for Sale.'

He rang the bell and the owner told him the dog was in the
backyard.
The guy went into the backyard and saw a Labrador sitting
there..


'You talk?' he asked.

'Yes,' the Lab replied.
'So, what's the story?'

The Lab looked up and said, 'Well, I discovered that I
could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I
told the Garda about my gift, and in no time at all they had me jetting
from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders,
because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their
most valuable spies for eight years running.'

'But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew
I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a
job at the airport to do some undercover security wandering near
suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible
dealings and was awarded a batch of medals.

I got married, had a load of puppies, and
now I'm just retired.'
The guy was amazed. He goes back in and asked the owner
what he wanted for the dog.

'Ten euros.' the man said.

'Ten euros? This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you
selling him so cheap?'

'Because he's a liar. He never did any of that shíte.

[armaghniac]

A Cavan man calls his son in new York a couple of days before Christmas Eve and says, "I hate to ruin your Christmas, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough".

"Dad, what are you talking about?" the son screams.

"We can't stand the sight of each other any longer", the father says.  "We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you can call your sister in LA and tell her".

Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone.

"Like hell they're getting divorced," she shouts, "I'll take care of this".

She calls home to Cavan immediately, and screams at her father, "You are NOT getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling  my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?", and hangs up.

The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. "Okay", he says, "they're coming for Christmas - and they're paying their own way..."

[illdecide]

The troops in Afghanistan prove they've retained their sense
of humour with the following
'YOU MAY BE A TALIBAN IF...'

1. You refine heroin for a living, but you have a moral objection to beer.

2. You own a $3,000 machine gun and $5,000 rocket launcher, but you can't afford shoes.

3. You have more wives than teeth.

4. You wipe your butt with your bare left hand, but consider bacon 'unclean.'

5. You think vests come in two styles: bullet-proof and suicide.

6. You can't think of anyone you HAVEN'T declared Jihad against.

7. You consider television dangerous, but routinely carry explosives in your clothing.

8. You were amazed to discover that cell phones have uses other than setting off roadside bombs.

9. You've often uttered the phrase, 'I love what you've done with your cave.'

10. You have nothing against women and think every man should own at least one.

11. You bathe at least monthly whether necessary or not.

12. You have a crush on your neighbour's goat.