Corny One for Friday

[wherefromreferee?]

Keep up SidelineKick, Page 63! 

[SidelineKick]

Ah feck i knew it was either on here or an email i seen it lately.  Decided not to bother checking back.  Turns out i should have 

[ziggysego]

Lazy fecker

[SidelineKick]

Accept my apologies Ziggy 

[Declan]

George Bush & Israeli Mossad!

After numerous rounds of 'We  don't even know  if Osama bin Laden is still alive', Osama himself decided to send George  Bush a letter in his own hand writing to let him know he was still in the  game.

Bush opened the letter and it contained a single line of coded message:

        370H-SSV-0773H

Bush was baffled, so he e-mailed it to Condoleezza Rice. Condi and her aides had not a clue either, so they sent it to the FBI.

No one could  solve it at the FBI so it went to the CIA, and then to  MI6.

Eventually they asked the Mossad (Israeli intelligence) for help.

Within a  minute  Mossad emailed the White House with this  reply:

'Tell the President he's holding the note upside  down'

[illdecide]

A young woman goes to her local pet store in search of an 'exotic' pet As she looks about the store, she notices a box FULL of live frogs.



    The sign says:







'SEX FROGS'

Only £20 each! Comes with 'complete' instructions.     

The girl excitedly looks around to see if anybody's watching her. She whispers softly to the man behind the counter, 'I'll TAKE one!'


 

As the man packages the frog, he quietly says to her, 'Just follow the instructions!


 

The blonde nods, grabs the box, and is quickly on her way home.


 

As soon as she closes the door to her apartment, she opens the instructions and reads them very carefully. She does EXACTLY what is specified:

1 . Take a shower.

2 . Splash on some nice perfume.

3 . Slip into a very sexy nightie.

4.. Crawl into bed and place the frog down beside you, and allow the frog to do what he has been trained to do.


 

She then quickly gets into bed with the frog and to her surprise . . . NOTHING happens! The blonde is very disappointed and quite upset at this point. She re-reads the instructions and notices at the bottom of the paper it says, 'If you have any problems or questions . please call the pet store.'


 

So, she calls the pet store. The man says, 'I'll be right over.' Within minutes, the man is ringing her doorbell. The blonde welcomes him in and says, 'See, I've done everything according to the instructions. The damn frog just SITS there!'


 

The man . . . looking very concerned, picks up the frog, stares 'directly into its eyes' and STERNLY says:




 


 

'LISTEN TO ME!! I'm only going to show you how to do this ONE  MORE TIME!!!' 

[Yes I Would]

AN OLDIE BUT STILL A GOODIE!!!



The Italian Lover, a virile middle aged Italian gentlemen
named Guido, was relaxing at his favorite bar in Rome
when he managed to attract a spectacular young blond
woman. Things progressed to the point where he led her
back to his apartment and, after some small talk, they
retired to his bedroom, where he 'rattled' her senseless.
After a pleasant interlude, he asked, with a smile, 'So,
you finish?'

She paused for a second, frowned, and replied, 'No.'

Surprised, Guido reached for her and the lovemaking
resumed. This time she thrashed about wildly and
there were screams of passion. The lovemaking finally
ended and again, Guido smiled and asked, 'You
finish?'

Again, after a short pause, she returned his smile,
cuddled closer to him and softly said, 'No.'

Stunned, but damned if he was going to leave this
woman unsatisfied, Guido reached for the woman yet
again. Using the last of h is strength, he barely
managed it, but they ended together screaming,
bucking, clawing and ripping the bed sheets.

Exhausted, Guido fell onto his back, gasping. Barely
able to turn his head, he looked into her eyes,
smiled proudly and asked again, 'You finish?'

Barely able to speak, the beautiful blond whispered
in his ear, 'No, I Norwegian'.

[illdecide]

My money is on Martina Navratilova to win "i'm a celebrity get me out of here". She's been eating Bush Tucker for years...

[illdecide]

Things that make men proud of themselves...


>1. OPENING JARS - She's struggling. You take it from her hands, open it
>effortlessly and pretend she loosened it for you. She didn't. Jars are
>men's work.
>
>2. CALLING SOMEONE 'SON' - Especially policeman but even saying it to
>kids makes you the man.
>
>3. DOING A PROPER SLIDE TACKLE - Beckham free kicks - camp. A Roy Keane
>tackle is the pinnacle of the game, simultaneously winning the ball and
>crippling the man. Magic.
>
>4. SHARPENING A PENCIL WITH A STANLEY KNIFE - Blunt, is it? Hand it
here
>love. No, I don't need a sharpener, I've got a knife thanks!
>
>5. GOING TO THE TIP - A manly act which combines driving, lifting and-
>as you thrillingly drop your rubbish into another huge pile of other
>rubbish
>- noisy destruction.
>
>6. DRINKING UP - Specifically, rising from the table, slinging your
coat
>on and downing two thirds of a pint in one fluid movement. Then nodding
>towards the door, saying, "Let's go" and striding out while everyone
>else struggles to catch up with you. You're hard.
>
>7. HAVING A THIN BIT OF WOOD - in the shed, solely to stir paint with.
>
>8. HAVING A HANGOVER AND THICK STUBBLE - When birds have been partying
>they just whinge. You on the other hand have physical evidence of your
>hardness, sprouting from your face. "Big night?" Grr, what does it look
>like.
>
>9. TAKING A NEWSPAPER INTO THE LOO - visual code that says that's
right,
>I'm going in there for a huge, long man-sized poo.
>
>10. USING POWER TOOLS - Slightly more powerful than you need or can
>safely handle. Pneumatic drilling while smoking a fag? Superb.
>
>11. KICKING A FOOTY AGAINST A GARAGE DOOR - Clang-g-g-g-g-g-! Stick
that
>Becks, I kick so hard I set off car alarms.
>
>12. ARRIVING IN A PUB LATE - And everyone cheers you. It doesn't mean
>you're popular, it just means your mates are pissed. However, the rest
>of the pub doesn't know that.
>
>13. NOT WATCHING YOUR WEIGHT - Fat is a feminist issue, apparently.
>Brilliant. Pass the pork scratchings.
>
>14. CARVING THE ROAST - And saying "are you a leg or breast man?" to
the
>blokes and "do you want stuffing?" to the women. Congratulations, you
>are now your dad.
>
>15. WINKING - Turns women to putty. Doesn't it?
>
>16. TEST SWINGING HAMMERS - Ideally, B&Q would have little changing
>rooms with mirrors so you could see how rugged you look with any DIY
>item. Until then, we'll make do with the aisles.
>
>17. TAKING OUT ?500 FROM A CASHPOINT - Okay, so its for paying the
>plumber later but with that much cash you feel like a mafia don. The
>only thing better is peeling notes off the roll later.
>
>18. PHONE CALLS THAT LAST LESS THAN A MINUTE - Unlike birds, we get
>straight to the point. "Alright? Yep. Pints? Black Lion? Laurels, it is
>then. Seven? See ya there."
>
>19. PARALLEL PARKING - Bosh, straight in. First time. Can Schumacher do
>that? No, because his cars got no reverse gear which, technically,
makes
>you the worlds best driver.
>
>20. HAVING EARNED THAT PINT - Since the dawn of time, men have toiled
in
>the fields in blistering heat. Why? So when it's over we can stand
there
>in silence, surveying our work with one hand resting on the beer gut
>while the other nurses a foaming jug of larger. Aaaah.
>
>21. KNOWING WHICH SCREWDRIVER IS WHICH- A Phillips? For that? Are you
>mad?"
>
>22. HAVING SOMETHING PROPERLY WRONG WITH YOU - Especially if you didn't
>make a fuss. "Why was I off, nothing much, just a brain haemorrhage".

[illdecide]

check this out, hilarious!!!

"In 2003, Celtic's UEFA Cup final year, I went on a bus from Shawlands, Glasgow to the Celtic v Blackburn game at Ewood Park. We won 2-0 and wanted to celebrate after the match, so we asked the driver to take us to Blackpool. At first he refused and after we had a whip round and gave him 80 quid he agreed to take us for a few hours.

I can't remember the name of the pub, but we were in there a few hours, got a wee lock in an nat. Anyway, the driver came into the pub and told us to get ready to leave for Glasgow, we had five minutes.
We were well oiled and slowly and drunkenly made our way to the bus.

On the bus we were all getting comfy for a wee kip on the way home, when someone from the pub came running out shouting that we'd left one of the boys behind. We were all ignoring the driver's pleas to go and get him, so the driver and a few of the barstaff brought this 20 stone bear of a guy out of the pub. He was steamin' and well asleep. They huffed and puffed him onto the bus and laid him on the floor in the aisle between the seats.

We didn't really take much notice as we were pashed ourselves and trying to get a kip.

Thing is, the guy was snoring like a freacking train and about 10 miles north of Gretna my cousin Brian woke up asking what the heck the noise was.

As a few more of us woke up we looked at the lump of a guy on the floor. Some of the guys tried to wake him up but had no luck, then oor Brian said that the guy wasnae on the bus on the way down to Blackburn.

I was laughing ma ershe off and said that I hope he doesnae stay in Blackpool.

Anyway, one of the guys had a look for the guy's wallet to see if he had some ID on him. He found a driving license and it had an address in Hamilton on it. So we told the driver to drop him off.

When we got to the guy's house we had to drag him off the bus as he still wouldn't wake up. We managed to get his keys out his pocket and open his front door. We laid him on his couch and left his keys on the mantlepiece and left.

As we closed the front door behind us and we were walking down his drive one of his neighbours was coming in from the nightshift and she said. 'If you're looking for big Tam, he's away to Blackpool with the wife and kids for a fortnight.


Wonder what he did when he woke up??? "

[illdecide]

This is an oldie but still a good wan...

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.

'In honor of this holy season' Saint Peter said,  'You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.'

The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. 'It represents a candle', he said.

'You may pass through the pearly gates' Saint Peter said.

The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, 'They're bells.'

Saint Peter said 'You may pass through the pearly gates'.

The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and  finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.

St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, 'And just what do those symbolize?'


The man replied, 'These are Carols.'

[illdecide]

Dan was a single guy living at home with his father and working in the family business.



When he found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died, he decided he needed a wife with which to share his fortune.



One evening at an investment meeting he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen.. Her natural beauty took his breath away.



"I may look like just an ordinary man," he said to her, but in just a few years, my father will die, and I'll inherit $20 million."



Impressed, the woman obtained his business card and three days later, she became his stepmother.



Women are so much better at financial planning than men.......

[KCGaelicFootball]

Xmas is coming

http://pub.sinuspl.net/flash/Jingle_Bells_Reversed.swf

Ah feck I nearly had every one in my dept. here in the hospital I work at jump out their damn skin.

[ziggysego]

Xmas is coming

http://pub.sinuspl.net/flash/Jingle_Bells_Reversed.swf

Ah feck I nearly had every one in my dept. here in the hospital I work at jump out their damn skin.

I was just about to listen to that. Thanks for the warning, think I'll give it a miss

[ziggysego]

When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her

someplace expensive.....so, I took her to a gas station..... and

that's how the fight started....

*********************************************************

I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Miller Light for

$14.95. Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for $7.95. I told her

the beer would make her look better at night than the cold cream. And

that's how the fight started.


************************************************************************


After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for

Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my

driver's license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and

realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was

very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later. The

woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my shirt revealing my

curly silver hair. She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof

enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application. When

I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the

Social Security office. She said, 'You should have dropped your

pants. You might have gotten disability, too'. And that's how the

fight started.....


************************************************************************


My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and

I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone

at a nearby table. My wife asked, 'Do you know her?' 'Yes,' I sighed,

'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right

after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been

sober since.' 'My God!' says my wife, 'Who would think a person

could go on celebrating that long?'

And that's how the fight started.....


************************************************************************


I rear-ended a car this morning. So, there we were alongside the road

and slowly the other driver got out of his car. You know how

sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem

funny? Yeah, well I couldn't believe it.... he was a DWARF!!! He

stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, 'I AM NOT

HAPPY!!!' So, I looked down at him and said, 'Well, then which one

are you?' And that's how the fight started.....

************************************************************************

I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my

order first. 'I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please.' He

said, 'Aren't you worried about the mad cow?' 'Nah, she can order for

herself.' And that's how the fight started.....