Corny One for Friday

[illdecide]

A recent study found the average Irishman walks about 900 miles per year.

Another study found that we drink, on average, 22 gallons of beer a year.

That means we're averaging about 41 miles to the gallon.

Kind of makes you proud to be Irish ...!

[The Real Laoislad]

Q. Two Dublin girls jump off a cliff. Who wins?
A. Society.




Q. What does a Dublin girl use as protection during sex?
A. A bus shelter.




Q. What do you call a 30 year old Dublin girl?

A. Granny.




Q. Why did the Dublin girl cross the road?
A. To start a fight with a complete stranger for no reason whatsoever.



Q. What do you call a Dublin girl in a white tracksuit?
A. The bride.



Q. What's the first question during an Dublin quiz night?
A. What you bleedin looking at?





Q. Two Dublin kids in a car without any music - who is driving?
A. The policeman.



Q. What's the difference between a Dublin boy and a Dublin girl?
A. A Dublin girl has a higher sperm count.




Q. Three Dublin youths drive over a cliff in a Ford. What is wrong?
A. The car seats four.





Q. What's the most confusing day in Dublin?

A. Fathers day.




Q. How do people know Jesus wasn't born in Dublin?
A. You try finding 3 wise men and a virgin in Dublin.

[RedandGreenSniper]

Voted best joke in UK. 2007




  A very loud, unattractive, hard-faced woman walks into Kmart with   
    her two kids in tow, screaming obscenities at them all the way     
    through the entrance.                                               
                                                                         
    The door greeter  says, 'Good morning and welcome to Kmart, nice     
    children you've got there. Are they  twins?'                         
                                                                         
    The fat ugly woman stops  screaming long enough to snarl: 'Of course
    they bloody aren't! The oldest is nine and the  youngest is seven.   
    Why the hell would you think  they're twins?..... Do you really     
    think they look  alike, you d*ckhead?'                               
                                                                         
    'Absolutely  not,' replies the greeter, 'I just can't believe anyone
    would shag you  twice!'

[Hardy]

Voted best joke in UK. 2007

I demand a recount.

[illdecide]

MORNING SEX



She was standing in the kitchen

Preparing to poach eggs for breakfast,

Wearing only the 'T' shirt that she normally slept in.

As I walked in almost awake,

She turned and said softly,

'You've got to make love to me this very moment.'

My eyes lit up and I thought,

'I am either still dreaming or

This is going to be my lucky day.'

Not wanting to lose the moment,

I embraced her and then gave it my all;

Right there on the kitchen table.

Afterwards she said, 'Thanks,' and returned to the stove, her

'T' shirt still around her neck.

A little puzzled, I asked, 'What was that all about?'

She explained, 'The egg timer's broken.'

[illdecide]

The Dublin Doctor

 

A doctor in Dublin wanted to get off work and go fishing, so he approached his assistant.

'Murphy, I am going hunting tomorrow and don't want to close the clinic. I want you to take care of the clinic and take care of all me patients'.

'Yes, sir!' answers Murphy.

The doctor goes fishing and returns the following day

 

Murphy told him that he took care of three patients.

'The first one had a headache so he did, so I gave him Paracetamol.'

'Bravo Murphy lad, and the second one?' asks the doctor.

 

'The second one had indigestion and I gave him Gaviscon, so I did sir' says Murphy.

'Bravo, bravo! You're good at this and what about the third one? ' Asks the doctor.

'Sir, I was sitting here and suddenly the door flies open and a young gorgeous woman borsts in so she does. Like bolt outta the Blue, she tears off her clothes, taking off everyting including her bra and her panties and lies down on the table, spreading her legs And shouts:

'HELP ME for the love of St Patrick! For five years I have not seen any man!''

 

'Tunderin' lard Jesus Murphy, what did you do?' asks the doctor. 'I put drops in her eyes.'

[illdecide]

 

Why men do not write agony columns



Dear Walter:


I hope you can help me here. The other day I set off for work leaving my husband in the house watching the TV as usual. I hadn't gone more than a mile down the road when my engine conked out and the car shuddered to a halt. I walked back home to get my husband's help. When I got home I couldn't believe my eyes. He was in the bedroom with a neighbour lady making mad passionate love to her.

I am 32, my husband is 34 and we have been married for twelve years. When I confronted him, he tried to make out that he went into the back yard and heard a lady scream, had come to her rescue but found her unconscious. He'd carried the woman back to our house, laid her in bed, and began CPR. When she awoke she immediately began thanking him and kissing him and he was attempting to break free when I came back. But when I asked him why neither of them any clothes had on, he broke down and admitted that he'd been having an affair for the past six months.

I told him to stop or I would leave him. He was let go from his job six months ago and he says he has been feeling increasingly depressed and worthless. I love him very much, but ever since I gave him the ultimatum he has become increasingly distant. I don't feel I can get through to him anymore.

Can you please help?

Sincerely,
Mrs. Sheila Usk


Dear Sheila:

A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a variety of faults with the engine. Start by checking that there is no debris in the fuel line. If it is clear, check the Jubilee clips holding the vacuum pipes onto the inlet manifold. If none of these approaches solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the carburetor float chamber.

I hope this helps.

Walter

[illdecide]

An Italian lawyer and an Irishman are sitting next to each other on a long flight. The lawyer is thinking that Irishmen are so dumb that he could  put something over on them easily...So the lawyer asks if the Irishman would like to play a fun game.

The Irishman is tired and just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and tries to catch a few winks. The Italian lawyer persists, and says that the game is a lot of fun. I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me only $5; you ask me one, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500, he says. This catches the Irishman's attention and to keep the lawyer quiet, he agrees to play the game.

The lawyer asks the first question. 'What's the distance from The Earth to the Moon?' The Irishman doesn't say a word, reaches in his pocket pulls out a five-dollar bill, and hands it to the lawyer.

Now, it's the Irishman's turn. He asks the lawyer, 'What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?' The lawyer uses his laptop and searches all references he could find on the Net. He sends e-mails to all the smart friends he knows, all to no avail. After one hour of searching he finally gives up. He wakes up the Irishman and hands him $500. The Irishman pockets the $500 and goes right back to sleep.

The lawyer is going nuts not knowing the answer. He wakes the Irishman up and asks, 'Well, so what goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four?'

The Irishman reaches in his pocket, hands the lawyer $5 and goes back to sleep.

Don't mess with the Irish.

[illdecide]

Jim decided to propose to Sandy,


but prior to her acceptance Sandy had to

confess to her man about her childhood illness.

She informed Jim that she suffered a disease that

Left her breasts the maturity of a 12 year old.

He stated that it was ok because he loved her soooo much.

However, Jim felt this was also the time for him to open

up and admit that he also had a deformity too.

Jim looked   Sandy in the eyes and said....

'I too have a problem My penis is the same size as

an infant and I hope you could deal with that

once we are married.'

She said, 'Yes I will marry you

and learn to live with your infant-sized penis.'

Sandy and Jim got married

and they could not wait for the honeymoon.

Jim whisked   Sandy off to their hotel suite

and they started touching, teasing, holding one another. ..

As   Sandy put her hands in Jim's pants

she began to scream and run out of the room!

Jim ran after her to find out what was wrong.

She said, 'You told me your penis was the size of an infant!'

'Yes, it is.....

8 pounds, 7 ounces, 19 inches long!!'

[illdecide]

Lads/Ladies i've prob posted a joke similar to this b4 but sure have another laugh anyway...

Next time you think your hotel bill is too high you might want to consider this...



A husband and wife are travelling by car from Brisbane to Melbourne.
After almost ten hours on the road, they're too tired to continue and they decide to stop for a rest. They stop at a nice hotel and take a room, but they only plan to sleep for four hours and then get back on the road.

When they check out four hours later, the desk clerk; hands them a bill for $450.00.

The man explodes and demands to know why the charge is so high. He tells the clerk although it's a nice hotel; the rooms certainly aren't worth $450.00.

When the clerk tells him $450.00 is the standard rate, the man insists on speaking to the Manager.

The Manager appears, listens to the man, and then explains that the hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference centre that were available for the husband and wife to use.

'But we didn't use them', the man complains.

'Well, they are here, and you could have', explains the Manager. He goes

on to explain they could have taken in one of the shows for which the hotel is famous. 'The best entertainers from New York , Hollywood , and Las Vegas perform here,' the Manager says.

'But we didn't go to any of those shows', complains the man again.

'Well, we have them, and you could have', the Manager replies.

No matter what amenity the Manager mentions!  the man replies, 'But we didn't use it !'

The Manager is unmoved, and eventually the man gives up and agrees to pay. He writes a cheque and gives it to the Manager.

The Manager is surprised when he looks at the cheque.  'But sir', he says, 'this cheque is only made out for $50.00'.

'That's correct', says the man. 'I charged you $400 for sleeping with my wife'.

'But I didn't !' exclaims the Manager.

'Well, too bad', the man replies. 'She was here and you could have!'

[SidelineKick]

  very good! Never heard that one before!

[liihb]

NEWSFLASH: Al Qaeda have hidden bombs in cans of Alphabetti Spaghetti
If they go off, it could spell disaster

Man with no arms and legs at the bus stop.
The bus pulls up and the driver says "alright mate, how are you getting on

Went into the butchers the other day, he says "I bet you a fiver you can't touch the meat on that shelf over there."
I said "I'm not betting on that."
He says: Why not?
I say "Because the steaks are too high

What do you call a Teletubby whose house has been broken into?
Tubby



Don't worry, I never even took off the coat

[illdecide]

This is one of the crudest jokes you'll hear...




Why is pork pie like a pensioners fanny???



You have to bite of the crust and lick out the jelly before you get to the meat...

[ziggysego]

That's bad..... even for you.

[Yes I Would]

This is one of the crudest jokes you'll hear...




Why is pork pie like a pensioners fanny???



You have to bite of the crust and lick out the jelly before you get to the meat...

That has just made me wanna vomit but im still laughing