Corny One for Friday

[Hardy]

Two cows standing in a field. One says to the other - "Here - what about this mad cow disease ..."

- "Doesn't bother me - I'm a duck."

[Onion Bag]

Q: Did you hear the one about the Magic Tractor?

A: It drove down the road and turned into a field

[Orior]

Q: Did you hear the one about the Magic Tractor?

A: It drove down the road and turned into a field

*Moves pointer slowly towards the Ban button*

[Onion Bag]

C'mon Orior, i bet you at least smirked

[ziggysego]

I smiled

[Orior]

I smiled

*Presses the Ban Ziggy button 20 times in quick succession*

[lfdown2]

*wishes orior would stop putting stars in and typing his actions!!*

[billy the kid]

Heres a something I got sent the other day and thought it might cheer a few up.

PETER KAY'S UNIVERSAL TRUTHS
1) Triangular sandwiches taste better than square ones.
2) At the end of every party there is always a girl crying.
3) One of the most awkward things that can happen in a pub is when your
pint-to-toilet cycle gets synchronised with a complete stranger.
4) Sharpening a pencil with a knife makes you feel really manly.
5) You're never quite sure whether it's against the law or not to have a
fire in your back garden.
6) Nobody ever dares make cup-a-soup in a bowl.
7) You never know where to look when eating a banana.
You always feel a bit scared when stroking horses.
9) The smaller the monkey the more it looks like it would kill you at the
first given opportunity.
10) Every bloke has at some stage while taking a pee, flushed half way
through and then raced against the flush.
11) Its impossible to look cool whilst picking up a Frisbee.
12) Driving through a tunnel makes you feel excited.
13) Old ladies can eat more than you think.
14) You can't respect a man who carries a dog.
15) Despite constant warning, you have never met anybody who has had their
arm broken by a swan.
16) You've turned into your dad the day you put aside a thin piece of wood
specifically to stir paint with.
17) Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a
fruit salad.
Peter Kay One Liners
1) I saw a fat woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on it. I said
'Thyroid problem?'

2) When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bike. Then I
realised that The Lord doesn't work that way, so I stole one and asked him
to forgive me.
3) I've often wanted to drown my troubles, but I can't get my wife to go
swimming.
4) I was doing some decorating, so I got out my step-ladder. I don't get on
with my real ladder.
5) I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time'. So I ordered
French Toast during the Renaissance.
6) A cement mixer collided with a prison van on the Kingston Bypass.
Motorists are asked to be on the lookout for 16 hardened criminals.
7) Well I was bullied at school, called all kinds of different names. But
one day I turned to my bullies and said 'Sticks and stones may break my
bones but names will never hurt me', and it worked! From there on it was
sticks and stones all the way.
My Dad used to say 'always fight fire with fire', which is probably why
he got thrown out of the fire brigade. 9) S*x is like playing bridge: If you
don't have a good partner, you better have a good hand.
10) I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbour said
'Are you going to help?' I said 'No, six should be enough.'
11) If we aren't supposed to eat animals, then why are they made out of
meat?
12) I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give
the wrong answers.
13) You know that look women get when they want s*x? No, me neither
14) Politicians are wonderful people as long as they stay away from things
they don't understand, such as working for a living.
15) I was the kid next door's imaginary friend.
16) Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I think I've
forgotten this before
> SOME GREAT QUESTIONS BROUGHT TO YOU BY PETER KAY
1) Why does your gynaecologist leave the room when you get undressed?
2) If a person owns a piece of land do they own it all the way down to the
core of the earth?
3) Why can't women put on mascara with their mouth closed?
4) Is it possible to brush your teeth without wiggling your bottom?
5) Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is
stand up and say, 'My name is Peter and I am an alcoholic'?
6) Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?
7) Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
Why does mineral water that 'has trickled through mountains for
centuries' have a 'use by' date?
9) Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible
crisp no one would eat?
10) Is French kissing in France just called kissing?
11) Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, 'I think I'll squeeze
these dangly things here and drink whatever comes out'?
12) What do people in China call their good quality plates?
13) Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't
point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?
14) What do you call male ballerinas?
15) Why is a person that handles your money called a 'Broker'?
16) If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?
17) If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from
vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?
18) Why is it that when someone tells you that there are over a billion
stars in the universe, you believe them, but if they tell you there is wet
paint somewhere, you have to touch it to make sure.

[Orior]

A dog went to a telegram office, took out a blank form and wrote: "Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof."

The clerk examined the paper and politely told the dog: "There are only nine words here. You could send another 'Woof' for the same price."

The dog replied, "But that would make no sense at all."

[Orior]

Q: What did Sherlock Holmes tell his sidekick upon discovering a tree producing sour fruit?

A: A Lemon Tree, My Dear Watson

[Orior]

A guy gets pulled over by a cop for speeding.

As the copper is writing up the ticket, the guy asks, "Can you arrest me for calling you a filthy name?"

"Yes" replies the cop.

He then asks, "Can you arrest me for thinking something?"

"No" replies the cop.

"Well then," says the man, "I think you're an asshole".

[offtheground]

A couple, both well into their 80s, go to a sex therapist's office. The Therapist asks, 'What can I do for you? The man says, 'Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?'
The Therapist raises both eyebrows, but he is so amazed that such an elderly couple is asking for sexual advice that he agrees.
When the couple finishes, the Therapist says, 'There's absolutely nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse.'
He thanks them for coming, wishes them good luck, charges them £50, and says goodbye.
The next week, however, the couple returns and asks the sex therapist to watch again.
The sex therapist is a bit puzzled, but agrees.
This happens several weeks in a row.
The couple makes an appointment, has intercourse with no problems, pays the Therapist then leaves.
Finally, after 5 or 6 weeks of this routine, the therapist says, ' Pardon me, but I have to ask. Just what are you trying to find out?'
The old man says, 'We're not trying to find out anything. She's married and we can't go to her house. I'm married and we can't go to my house.
Travelodge charge £93. The Hilton charges £139.
We do it here for £50 and I get £43 back from Bupa.'.....................

[Louth Exile]

Barack Obama has been dully elected the 44th American president. He is only president elect though, as he has yet to be ratified by the Cork Hurlers!!

[Orior]

Barack Obama has been dully elected the 44th American president. He is only president elect though, as he has yet to be ratified by the Cork Hurlers!!

You're a bit late wit that one, it started on here last week.

[illdecide]

Two Gay Guys are walking through a zoo... They come across the gorilla and notice that the male gorilla has a massive erection. The gay men are fascinated by this.
One of the men just can't bear it any longer, and he reaches into the cage to touch it.
The gorilla grabs him, drags him into the cage and mates with him for six hours, non-stop, while the zoo attendants helplessly stand by....
When he's done, the gorilla throws the man out of the cage. An ambulance is called and the man is taken away to the hospital.
A few days later, his friend visits him in the hospital and asks, 'Are you hurt?'

'AM I HURT?' he shouts, 'Wouldn't you be? He hasn't called....he hasn't written....'