Corny One for Friday

[Louth Exile]

Whats the definition of Optimism??

A Banker ironing five shirts for the week ahead


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Man went to the ATM to withdraw funds and screen said "Insufficient Funds"

He didn't know if it was his account or the Bank!!!

[heganboy]

this may be a repost but I couldn't be arsed checking:

Why Parents Drink


The boss wondered why one of his most valued employees was absent but had not phoned in sick one day. Needing to have an urgent problem with one of the main computers resolved, he dialed the employee's home phone number and was greeted with a child's whisper. ' Hello ? '

'Is your daddy home?' he asked.

' Yes ,' whispered the small voice.

May I talk with him?'

The child whispered, ' No .'

Surprised and wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, 'Is your Mommy there?' ' Yes '

'May I talk with her?' Again the small voice whispered, ' No  '

Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the boss asked, 'Is anybody else there?'

' Yes ,' whispered the child, ' a policeman. '

Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, 'May I speak with the policeman?'

'  No, he's busy , ' whispered the child.

'Busy doing what?'

' Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman , ' came the whispered answer.

Growing more worried as he heard a loud noise in the background through the earpiece on the phone, the boss asked, 'What is that noise?'

' A helicopter ' answered the whispering voice.

'What is going on there?' demanded the boss, now truly apprehensive.
Again, whispering, the child answered,

' The search team just landed a helicopter '

Alarmed, concerned and a little frustrated the boss asked, 'What are they searching for?'

Still whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled giggle...

' ME . '

[illdecide]

Young Paddy, moved to Roscommon and bought a Donkey from a farmer for EUR100.00. The farmer agreed to deliver the Donkey the next day. The next day he drove up and said, 'Sorry son, but I have some bad news, the donkey died.'

Paddy replied,
'Well,then just give me my money back.'

The farmer said,
'Can't do that. I went and spent it already.'

Paddy said,
'Ok, then, just bring me the dead donkey.'

The farmer asked,
'What are ya gonna do with him?

Paddy said,
'I'm going to raffle him off.'

The farmer said,
'You can't raffle off a dead donkey!'

Paddy said,
'Sure I can. Watch me.. I just won't tell anybody he's dead.'

A month later, the farmer met up with
Paddy and asked, 'What happened with that dead donkey?'
Paddy said,
'I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at two euro's a piece and made a profit of EUR898.00.'

The farmer said,
'Didn't anyone complain?'

Paddy said,
'Just the guy who won. So I gave him his two euro's back.'

Paddy now works for the Irish Government!!!!!!

[SidelineKick]

Reports on the news have emphasised that it is important to look after your neighbours now that the cold weather is beginning.  I live beside an 84 year old woman and she hasn't checked in on me once.  To make matters worse the lazy bitch hasn't took her milk in for 4 days now.

[Orior]

Reports on the news have emphasised that it is important to look after your neighbours now that the cold weather is beginning.  I live beside an 84 year old woman and she hasn't checked in on me once.  To make matters worse the lazy bitch hasn't took her milk in for 4 days now.

Hey, tell that one to your granny and see if she laughs! lol

[SidelineKick]

The difference between men and women:

In 2 similar scenarios where a man / woman are having separate affairs they tell their partners they are staying at a friends house for the night.  Getting suspicious their partners phone their other half's 10 closest friends:

The man phones his partners friends only to find that all of them are up front and simply say that she has not stayed with them.

The woman phones her partners friends: 8 of them confirm that he spent the night while 2 of them say that he is still at their house.

Probably not far off the mark! Men are some craic wha?!

[Puckoon]

I just went for my physical exam there at the Drs office - before the Dr even got started the nurse took one look at me and told me that she was no expert but it looked as though Id have to stop masturbating.


I asked her why


She says:





































"Because Im trying to take your blood pressure"

[gerrykeegan]

A man was lying in bed with his new girlfriend. After having great sex, she spent the next hour just scratching his nuts--something she seemed to love to do. As he was enjoying it, he turned and asked her, 'Why do you love doing that?'
Because,' she replied, 'I really miss mine.'

[The Watcher Pat]

The Pope and the queen are in Vatican square. The Queen says "with one wave of my hand i can make all the british people cheer and wave here for hours"  She waves and the Brits go wild.. The Pope is pissed off and says " Ok with one nod of my head i can make all the Irish here cheer and wave for DAYS"



So he headbutts her....

[5 Sams]

A group of primary school infants, accompanied by two female teachers,
went on a field trip to Cheltenham races to see and learn about
thoroughbred horses.

When it was time to take the children to the toilet, it was decided
that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with
the other.

The teacher assigned to the boys was waiting outside the men's toilet
when one of the boys came out and told her that none of them could
reach the urinals.

Having no choice, she went inside, helped the boys with their pants,
and began hoisting the boys up, one by one, holding their willies to
direct the flow away from their clothes.

As she lifted one, she couldn't help but notice that he was unusually
well endowed.

Trying not to show that she was staring, the teacher said, 'I dont
recognise you, are you in year four ?'

'No, madam,' he replied. 'I'm riding Silver Arrow in the 2.15.

[illdecide]

Check the previous page 5 Sams...

[5 Sams]

  ....ah well it was funny enough to be posted twice

[mournerambler]

Paddy was booking a flight over the phone & he was asked, "how many people are travelling with you?"
He says "i don't know it's your f**king plane"

[illdecide]

The French President is sitting in his office when his telephone rings. 

 

'Hallo, Mr. Sarkozy!' a heavily accented voice said. 'This is Paddy down at the Harp Pub in County Clare , Ireland .. I am ringing to inform you that we are officially declaring war on you! We voted to reject the Lisbon treaty!' 

 

'Well, Paddy,' Sarkozy replied, 'This is indeed important news! How big is your army?' 

 

'Right now,' says Paddy, after a moment's calculation, 'there is myself, me Cousin Sean , me next door neighbour Seamus, and the entire darts team from the pub. That makes eleven!'

 

Sarkozy paused. 'I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100,000 men in my army waiting to move on my command.' 

 

'Begoora!' says Paddy. 'I'll have to ring you back.' 

 

Sure enough, the next day, Paddy calls again. 

 

'Mr. Sarkozy, the war is still on. We have managed to get us some infantry equipment!'   

 

'And what equipment would that be Paddy?' Sarkozy asks. 

 

'Well, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and Murphy's farm tractor.' 

 

Sarkozy sighs amused. 'I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 6,000 tanks and 5,000 armoured personnel carriers. Also, I have increased my army to 150,000 since we last spoke.' 

 

'Saints preserve us!' says Paddy. 'I'll have to get back to you.' 

 

Sure enough, Paddy rings again the next day. 

 

'Mr. Sarkozy, the war is still on! We have managed to get ourselves airborne! We have modified Jackie McLaughlin's ultra-light with a couple of shotguns in the cockpit, and four boys from the Shamrock Bar have joined us as well!'   

 

Sarkozy was silent for a minute and then cleared his throat. 'I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100 bombers and 200 fighter planes. My military bases are surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites. And since we last spoke, I have increased my army to 200,000!' 

 

'Jesus, Mary, and Joseph!' says Paddy, 'I will have to ring you back.' 

 

Sure enough, Paddy calls again the next day. 'Top o' the mornin', Mr. Sarkozy! I am sorry to inform you that we have had to call off the war.'

'Really? I am sorry to hear that,' says Sarkozy. 'Why the sudden change of heart?' 

 

 

 

 

'Well,' says Paddy, 'we had a long chat over a few pints of Guinness and packets of crisps, and we decided there is no fookin' way we can feed 200,000 prisoners .'

[fitzroyalty]

Just heard that this weeks Premiership fixtures have been cancelled due to irregular betting patterns..

Someone put a £10er on spurs