Corny One for Friday

[Diet Coke]

Older man sits on a bus opposite a young blonde in mini skirt...he can't help but look and blushes when he sees she's going commando....she notices and says my fanny is special ...........it can wink and blow kisses at you........which she then does....the man is stunned...then she asks him to sit beside her and asks if he would like to stick two fingers in it.............

he says holy f**k don't tell me it can whistle too!!

[KCGaelicFootball]

A quiet afternoon in the house of commons.

That says it all right there.

[illdecide]

I've heard this one before as well but it gets better every time i read it...

You got to love this guy... This is a true story about a recent wedding that took place at Clemson University . It was in the local newspaper and even Jay Leno mentioned it. It was a huge wedding with about 300 guests.

After the wedding, at the reception, the groom got up on stage with a microphone to talk to the crowd.
He said he wanted to thank everyone for coming, many from long distances, to support them
at their wedding.


He especially wanted to thank the bride's and his family and to thank his new father-in-law for providing such a lavish reception.

As a token of his deep appreciation he said he wanted to give everyone a special gift just from him.

So taped to the bottom of everyone's chair, including the wedding party was an envelope.

He said this was his gift to everyone, and asked them to open their envelope.

Inside each manila envelope was an 8x10 glossy of his bride having sex with the best man.

The groom had gotten suspicious of them weeks earlier and had hired a private detective to tail them.

After just standing there, just watching the guests' reactions for a couple of minutes, he turned to the best man and
said, 'F---you!' Then he turned to his bride and said, 'F--- you!'

Then he turned to the dumbfounded crowd and said, 'I'm outta here.'

He had the marriage annulled first thing in the morning.

While most people would have canceled the wedding immediately after finding out about the affair, this
guy goes through with the charade, as if nothing were wrong.

His revenge--making the bride's parents pay over $32,000 for a 300-guest wedding and reception, and best of all, trashing the bride's and best man's reputations in front of 300 friends and family members.

This guy has balls the size of church bells.



Do you think we might get a MasterCard 'priceless' commercial out of this?



Elegant wedding reception for 300 family members and friends: $32,000.

Wedding photographs commemorating the Occasion: $3,000

Deluxe two-week honeymoon accommodations in Maui : $8,500.

The look on everyone's face when they see the 8x10 glossy of the bride humping the best man: Priceless.

There are some things money can't buy, for everything else there's MASTERCARD

[illdecide]

If you didn't see this on the Tonight show, I hope you're sitting down when you read it.  This is probably the funniest date story ever, first date or not!!!  We have all had bad dates but this takes the cake.

Jay Leno went into the audience to find the most embarrassing first date that a woman ever had.

The winner described her worst first date experience. There was absolutely no question as to why her tale took the prize!

She said it was midwinter... snowing and quite cold...and the guy had taken her skiing in the mountains outside Salt Lake City, Utah.

It was a day trip (no overnight). They were strangers, after all, and truly had never met before. The outing was fun but relatively uneventful until they were headed home late that afternoon.

They were driving back down the mountain, wh en she gradually began to realize that she should not have had that extra latte.

They were about an hour away from anywhere with a rest room and in the middle of nowhere!

Her companion suggested she try to hold it, which she did for a while.

Unfortunately, because of the heavy snow and slow going, there came a point where she told him that he had better stop and let her go beside the road, or it would be the front seat of his car.

They stopped and she quickly crawled out beside the car, yanked her pants down and started.

In the deep snow she didn't have good footing, so she let her butt rest against the rear fender to steady herself.

Her companion stood on the side of the car watching for traffic and indeed was a real gentleman and refrained from peeking. All she could think about was the relief she felt despite the rather embarrassing nature of the situation. Upon finishing however, she soon became aware of another sensation.

As she bent to pull up her pants, the young lady discovered her buttocks were firmly glued against the car's fender.

Thoughts of tongues frozen to poles immediately came to mind as she attempted to disengage her flesh from the icy metal. It was quickly apparent that she had a brand new problem due to the extreme cold.

Horrified by her plight and yet aware of the humor of the moment, she answered her date's concerns about 'what is taking so long' with a reply that indeed, she was 'freezing her butt off' and in need of some assistance!


He came around the car as she tried to cover herself with her sweater and then, as she looked imploringly into his eyes, he burst out laughing.

She too, got the giggles and when they finally managed to compose themselves, they assessed her dilemma.

Obviously, as hysterical as the situation was, they also were faced with a real problem. Both agreed it would take something hot to free her chilly cheeks from the grip of the icy metal!

Thinking about what had gotten her into the predicament in the first place, both quickly realized that there was only one way to get her free.

So, as she looked the other way, her first-time date proceeded to unzip his pants and pee her butt off the fender. As the audience screamed in laughter, she took the Tonight Show prize hands down. Or perhaps that should be 'pants down.' And you thought your first date was embarrassing.

Jay Leno's comment... 'This gives a whole new meaning to being pissed off.'

Oh, and how did the first date turn out? He became her husband and was sitting next to her on the Leno show.

[Orior]

My dog Minton ate my shuttlecock and racket the other day so I shouted at him....."Bad Minton!"

[illdecide]

A husband emerged from the bathroom naked and was climbing into
bed when his wife complained, as usual, 'I have a  headache.
'Perfect,' her husband said.'
I was just in the bathroom powdering my penis with crushed aspirin.
You can take it orally,or as a suppository, it's up to you.'

[illdecide]

A little boy gets £10 for his birthday and rushes down to the Sport Shop to buy the new football he has been desperate for. He gets a ball down from the rack and gives the shop-keeper his £10. "Sorry son !!" explains the shopkeeper. "This ball costs £20, but you've only got £10".

Thinking quickly, the boy looks up at the different club footballs on the rack and says: "Ok. If you blindfold me and I guess which club's crest is on the ball, will you let me have the ball for £10?" The shopkeeper decides to humour the boy. He agrees to the lad's proposal, and so he blindfolds the boy.

First up he gives the boy an Arsenal ball. "OK," says the boy, placing his ear to the ball, "I can hear the blasting sound of two cannons. This must be an Arsenal ball!" "That was a lucky guess," exclaimed the shopkeeper, "Let's try another one!"... and he hands him a Millwall ball. "OK," says the boy, placing his ear to the ball again, "I can hear a pack of rampant Lions. It must be a Millwall ball!"

"Blimey!" says the shopkeeper. "If you get the next one right I'll let you have the ball for nothing..." and with that he passes him another ball. Again the boy puts the ball to his ear and after a few moments he exclaims "That's a Tottenham Hotspur ball!". "How on earth did you get that one? I suppose you heard a cockerel crowing!!"

"No..." said the boy. "It's going down!"

[Orior]

There's a new building site around the corner from my house, it's for an opticians.  My ma said it was a site for sore eyes

[Goats Do Shave]

Following the problems in the sub-prime lending market in America and the run on Northern Rock in the UK, uncertainty has now hit Japan.

In the last 7 days Origami Bank has folded, Sumo Bank has gone belly up and Bonsai Bank announced plans to cut some of its branches.

Yesterday, it was announced that Karaoke Bank is up for sale and will likely go for a song while today shares in Kamikaze Bank were suspended after they nose-dived.

While Samurai Bank is soldiering on following sharp cutbacks, Ninja Bank is reported to have taken a hit, but they remain in the black.

Furthermore, 500 staff at Karate Bank got the chop and analysts report that there is something fishy going on at Sushi Bank where it is feared that staff may get a raw deal. 

[Orior]

I'm going to work my way through these, and use everyone by Christmas.

40 things not to say out loud in work
=======================

1. I can see your point, but I still think you're full of sh*t.

2. I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.

3. How about never? Is never good for you?

4. I see you've set aside this special time to publicly humiliate yourself.

5. I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to see it my way.

6. Who lit the fuse on your tampon?

7. I'm out of my mind at the moment, but feel free to leave a message.

8. I don't work here - I'm a consultant.

9. It sounds like English, but I don't understand a damn word you're saying.

10. Ahhh. I see the screw-up fairy has visited us again.

11. I like you. You remind me of myself when I was young and stupid.

12. You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.

13. I have plenty of talent and vision - I just don't give a damn.

14. I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.

15. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.

16. Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.

17. The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.

18. Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.

19. What am I? Flypaper for freaks?

20. I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.

21. It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of karma to burn off.

22 Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.

23. And your cry-baby whiny assed opinion would be?

24. Do I look like a f..ing people person to you?

25. This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.

26. I started out with nothing and I still have most of it left.

27. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.

28. If I throw a stick, will you leave?

29. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.

30. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.

31. Oh, I get it. Like humor. Only different.

32. A cubicle is just a padded cell without the door.

33. Can I trade this job for what's behind door number 1?

34. Too many freaks, not enough circuses.

35. Nice perfume, but must you marinate in it?

36. Chaos, panic and disorder - my work here is finally done.

37. How do I set a laser printer to stun.

38. I thought I wanted a career; turns out I just wanted a salary.

39. I'll try being nicer if you try being smarter.

40. Wait a minute - I'm just trying to imagine you with a personality.

[illdecide]

What do you say to a woman with 2 black eyes???




Nothing, you've told her twice already.

[illdecide]

A 20 year old woman marries an 80 year old Orange man. After sucking his d**k her best friend asks "What was it like?"
She replies "It was old but it was beautiful"...

Ill get my coat...

[5 Sams]

A man says to his wife, "What would you say if I told you I'd won the lottery?"

She says, "I'd take half and then leave you."

"Excellent," the guy says. "I had three numbers come up and won a tenner. Here's a fiver... now fcuk off!"

[Orior]

A 20 year old woman marries an 80 year old Orange man. After sucking his d**k her best friend asks "What was it like?"
She replies "It was old but it was beautiful"...

Ill get my coat...

LOL

Shouldnt Illdecide get reported for abusing another poster? http://gaaboard.com/board/index.php?action=profile;u=1557

[The Real Laoislad]

 A friend of mine used to like Massey Fergusons, but now he has a job in a shower room; he's an ex-tractor fan