Corny One for Friday

[illdecide]

Why are pirates called pirates? 

Coz they arrrrrrggggggghhhhhhhhhhhh


What is a pirates favourite type of music?


Arrrrrrrrrrggggghhhhhhhhh & B

Get you're coat saan

[Onion Bag]

I know for a fact you smirked at it illdecide 

[AidyMac]

2 rats in a sewer - One says

"I'm bloody sick if it.  Shit for breakfast, shit for lunch and shit for tea"

The other rat says "Cheer up, we'll go on the piss later"

[AidyMac]

an Irishman finds a sandwich in a gutter with 2 red wires stickin out of it.
he calls the cops and says "help me bejesus!!! I've found a sandwich which looks like a bomb"

Cop says "Is it ticken?"

Irishman says "No, I tink its beef"

[Onion Bag]

A Man walks into a library, walks up to the desk and asks " Can i have a Fish and Chip please"

The lady in the library looks at him strangely and says " I beg you pardon, but do you know that you are in a Library"

So the man responded by whispering "Sorry, can i have a Fish and Chip Please"

[illdecide]

A Man walks into a library, walks up to the desk and asks " Can i have a Fish and Chip please"

The lady in the library looks at him strangely and says " I beg you pardon, but do you know that you are in a Library"

So the man responded by whispering "Sorry, can i have a Fish and Chip Please"

Onion you're getting worser

[illdecide]

Murphy calls to see his mate Paddy who has a broken leg.
Paddy says, 'Me feet are freezing mate, could you nip upstairs and get me slippers?'
'No bother,' he says, and he runs upstairs and there are Paddy's two stunning 19 year old twin daughters sat on their beds.
'Hello dere girls, your Da' sent me up here to shag ya both.'
'Fook off you liar!'.
'I'll prove it,' Murphy says.
So he shouts down the stairs, 'Both of them, Paddy?'
'Of course, what's the use of fookin' one?'

[illdecide]

Walking into the bar, Mike said to Charlie the bartender, 'Pour me a stiff one - just had another fight with the little woman.'

'Oh yeah?' said Charlie, 'And how did this one end?'

'When it was over,' Mike replied, 'She came to me on her hands and knees.

'Really,' said Charles, 'Now that's a switch!   What did she say?'

She said, 'Come out from under the bed, you big f*cking chicken.'

[illdecide]

Parvinder and Habib are beggars.  They beg in different areas of  London.
 
Habib begs just as long as Parvinder but only collects £2 to £3 every day.
0A 
Parvinder brings home a suitcase FULL of £10 notes, drives a Mercedes, lives in a mortgage-free house and has a lot of money to spend.
 
Habib says to Parvinder 'I work just as long and hard as you do but how do you bring home a suitcase full of £10 notes every day?'
 
Parvind er says, 'Look at your sign, what does it say'?
 
Habib's sign reads 'I have no work, a wife and 6 kids to support'.
 
Parvinder says 'No wonder you only get £2- £3
 
Habib says... 'So what does your sign say'?
 
Parvinder shows Habib his sign....
 
It reads, 'I only need another £10 to move back to Pakistan'.

[illdecide]

Subject: FW: SEX IN THE DARK
Sex in the Dark

John and Mary had been married for 20 years.   Every time they made love,
John always insisted on shutting off the lights.

After 20 years, Mary felt this needed to stop.   She figured she would
break John of this crazy habit.

One night, while they were in the middle of a wild, screaming, romantic
session, she turned on the lights. She looked down and saw that John was
holding a battery-operated leisure device... A vibrator!   Soft, wonderful
and larger than life.

Mary went completely ballistic. 'You impotent bastard,' She screamed at
him, 'How could you be lying to me all of these years? You better explain
yourself!'

John looked her straight in the eyes and said calmly:

'I'll explain the toy . . You explain the kids.'

[illdecide]

Big Phil Scolari says Liverpool are like the IRA Army Council, they still exist but pose no threat

[Hoof Hearted]

       
A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can
see from her nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack.

'Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $30,000 loan to take a holiday.'

Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's okay, he knows the bank manager.

Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral.

The frog says, 'Sure. I have this,' and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.

Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the
bank manager and disappears into a back office.

She finds the manager and says, 'There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral.'

She holds up the tiny pink elephant. 'I mean, what in the world is this?'



(folks, your gonna luv this)



The bank manager looks back at
her and says...

'It's a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan, His old man's a Rolling Stone.'


(You're singing it, aren't you? Yeah, I know you are........)

[ziggysego]

Big Phil Scolari says Liverpool are like the IRA Army Council, they still exist but pose no threat

I'd love it, if that were true 

[Pangurban]

THE SPEECH THERAPIST

A very pretty young speech therapist was getting nowhere with her
Stammerers Action group. She had tried every technique in the book
without the slightest success.
Finally, thoroughly exasperated, she said
'If any of you can tell me the name of the town where you were born,
without stuttering, I will have wild and passionate sex with you until
your muscles ache and your eyes water. So, who wants to go first ?'











The Englishman piped up. 'B-b-b-b-b-b-b-irmingham', he said.











'That's no use, Trevor' said the speech therapist, 'Who's next ?'











The Scotsman raised his hand and blurted out 'P-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-aisley'.








'That's no better. There'll be no sex for you, I'm afraid, Hamish. How
about you, Paddy ?'











The Irishman took a deep breath and eventually blurted out ' London '.











'Brilliant, Paddy' said the speech therapist and immediately set about
living up to her promise.











After 15 minutes of exceptionally steamy sex, the couple paused for
breath and Paddy said '-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-erry'.

[armaghniac]

The Pearly Gates


40 Gypsies arrive at the Pearly Gates in their Transit vans and caravans.

St Peter goes into the gatehouse and phones up God, saying.

'I've got 40 travellers here. Can I let them in?'

God says 'We are over quota on Pikeys . Go out and tell them to choose
between them which are the 12 most worthy, and I will let just the dozen
in.'

Less than a minute later St Peter is on the phone to God again.

'They've gone', he tells God.


'What?' says God, 'All 40 of them?'












'No, the  gates'.