Corny One for Friday

[ziggysego]

The sun's going to your head tram....

[Onion Bag]

3 mice sitting around chatting about how hard they were

1st mouse pipes up and says "im the hardest of all, i can go to the mouse trap, lift the cheese bench press 50 times all before the the trap snaps

2nd mouse reckons he was the hardest, " i snort the rat poisin like cocaine sit there and finish off the cheese or chocolate or whatever other delights are left for me,

3rd Mouse, "Lads im sick of sitting round here talking shite you two, im feeling horny, im a away home to shag the cat"

boom boom 

[illdecide]

Mr & Mrs Blobby were in bed
Mrs Blobby says "blib blob bobble blub bibbly bubble blob blibble blib blobby"

and Mr Blobby says "Just f**king swallow it!"

[screenexile]

Mr & Mrs Blobby were in bed
Mrs Blobby says "blib blob bobble blub bibbly bubble blob blibble blib blobby"

and Mr Blobby says "Just f**king swallow it!"

That's actually one of the funniest jokes I've read in a long time!

[ziggysego]

Mr & Mrs Blobby were in bed
Mrs Blobby says "blib blob bobble blub bibbly bubble blob blibble blib blobby"

and Mr Blobby says "Just f**king swallow it!"

That's actually one of the funniest jokes I've read in a long time!

I've got to agree. One of the funniest jokes in this thread in a looooong time. Still giggling. 

[Longshanks]

Very funny indeed, just E-mailed that to most of my work ones (that actually rememeber Mr Bloody!!)

[full back]

Very funny indeed, just E-mailed that to most of my work ones (that actually rememeber Mr Bloody!!)

I would say if you send it to the ones that remember Mr Blobby they will find it even funnier 

[Longshanks]

Very funny indeed, just E-mailed that to most of my work ones (that actually rememeber Mr Bloody!!)

I would say if you send it to the ones that remember Mr Blobby they will find it even funnier 

Mistakes are easily made when your staying late in work every night trying to make up the flexi for the end of the month!

[full back]

Whats the difference between jam & marmalade?

Have you ever tried to marmalade your d1ck up a womans ass......?

[stpauls]

Whats the difference between jam & marmalade?

Have you ever tried to marmalade your d1ck up a womans ass......?

get your coat, the taxi has been ordered, it should be here shortly...

[Hoof Hearted]

the officials at the olympics closing cermony were asked to dim the lights cause 90% of the spectators apperaed to be squinting

[offtheground]

A woman was in town on a shopping trip. She began her day by finding the
most perfect pair of shoes in the first shop and a beautiful dress in a
sale in the second shop.

In the third everything was reduced to a fiver when her mobile rang. It
was a female doctor notifying her that her husband had been involved in
a terrible accident and was in a critical condition in the ICU.

The woman told the doctor to tell her husband where she was and that
she'd be there as soon as possible.

As she hung up, she realised that she was leaving what was turning out
to be her best ever day in the shops. She decided to get in a few more
shops before heading to the hospital.

She ended up shopping for the rest of the morning finishing her trip
with a cup of coffee and a beautiful slice of cake, complimentary from
the last shop. She was jubilant.

Then she remembered her husband and, feeling guilty, she dashed to the
hospital.

The lady doctor glared at her and shouted, 'you went ahead and finished
your shopping trip didn't you? I hope you're proud of yourself.

While you were in town enjoying yourself your husband was languishing
here in the ICU. Well its just as well you did because its more than
likely to have been the last shopping trip you will take.

For the rest of his life, your husband will require round the clock care
and you will be his carer.'

The woman broke down and sobbed. The female doctor chuckled and said,
'I'm only pulling your leg. He's dead. What did you buy?'

[offtheground]

Found In Church Bulletins And Newsletters

On the lighter side of religion, here are some actual sentences
found in church bulletins and newsletters:

1.Don't let worry kill you. Let the Church help.


2.Thursday night - potluck supper. Prayer and medication to follow.


3.Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.


4.For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.


5.The rosebud on the altar this morning is to announce the birth of David Alan Belzer, the sin of Rev. and Mrs. Julius Belzer.


6.This afternoon there will be a meeting in the south and north ends of the church. Children will be baptized at both ends.


7.Tuesday at 4pm there will be an ice cream social. All ladies giving milk will please come early.

8.Wednesday, the Ladies Liturgy Society will meet. Mrs. Jones will sing "Put Me In My Little Bed" accompanied by the pastor.


9.Thursday at 5pm there will be a meeting of the Little Mothers Club. All wishing to become Little Mother, please see the minister in his private study.

10.This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come forward and lay an egg on the altar.


11.The service will close with "Little Drops Of Water". One of the ladies will start (quietly) and the rest of the congregation will join in.


12.Next Sunday, a special collection will be taken to defray the cost of the new carpet. All those wishing to do something on the new carpet will come forward and get a piece of paper.


13.The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind and they may be seen in the church basement Friday.


14.A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.


15.At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.


16.Weight Watchers will meet at 7 p.m. at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.


17.The 1991 Spring Council Retreat will be hell May 10 and 11.


18.Pastor is on vacation. Massages can be given to church secretary.


19.Eight new choir robes are currently needed, due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.


20.Mrs. Johnson will be entering the hospital this week for testes.


21.The senior choir invites any member of the congregation who enjoys sinning to join the choir.


22.Please join us as we show our support for Amy and Alan in preparing for the girth of their first child.

23.Scouts are saving aluminium cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.


24.The associate minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday: "I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours."

[5 Sams]

A mate of mine got an invite to the Annual Dinner Dance of the Premature Ejaculation Sufferers Association. He rang them to enquire about the dress code and was told, "Just come in your trousers"!

[offtheground]

Below are a few of the actual comments from the Queen Mothers Book of Remembrance 

"I think that the Queen Mum and Princess Diana are our very own Twin Trade Towers. At last we can look the people of New York in the face".
L.Ward, Mansfield.

"When Diana died I swore I would never smile again, but eventually I did.
Now the Queen Mum has gone I cannot imagine that I will ever smile for the rest of my life, but I will probably break that one too".
A.Christie,Hendon.

"She was one of the old school, all the remaining royals are sh**"
J.Clement. Grantham.

"I thought she would never die, she has let us all down very badly."
D.Holmes, Somerset.

"She was a trooper and she never gave up. I remember one time she was visiting a school and I asked her if she would like to make a visit to the cloakroom before she left. 'No' she replied, 'I didn't give in to the Nazis and I won't give in to the bladder'. That's how she was, a fighter, who refused to be beaten by anything. She pis*ed herself later though, it was sickening".
B. Forrester, North Yorkshire.

"She was a marvelous woman, and a wonderful lover".
L. J.Worthington, Penrith.

"I am absolutely devastated, at least we could have got the day off".
E. Gorman, Derbyshire.

"How refreshing to be able to mourn the death of a member of the Royal family without being accused of being homosexual".
J. Fletcher, High Wycombe.

"Her death should act as a warning to others who think it is cool to experiment with drugs".
E. Franks, Cheshire.

"On behalf on all blacks, I send the sincerest condolences".
T.Watson, Ilford.

"Perhaps if we automated her old golf buggy it could still drive around The Mall on its own and bring pleasure to the tourists".
Y. Howell, Slough.

"Once again the Queen is not upset enough for my liking, the woman should have a bit more compassion, how would she feel if it was her mother?"
W.Waugh, Richmond.

"It is such a loss, God has shat on our heads".
K. O'Neil, Inverness.

"I am sure the Queen Mum will not let this setback put an end to her public duties".
N. Wallace, Swansea.

"I hold Princess Margaret in no small way responsible for this terrible event".
E. Thompson, West Lothian.

"Bomb Iraq for us Tony, its the only thing that will make us feel better".
P.McGregor, Southampton.

"We must do all we can, send blankets, food parcels, jumpers, anything to help these brave souls who are queuing up to walk past her coffin".
R. Thompson, Bath.

"I have been unable to masturbate for five days, and will not do so again until her majesty is buried"
D. Coe, Liverpool.

"Good God, who is next, Geri Halliwell?".
R. Combes, Romford.

"No matter how she felt, no matter the situation, she always wore a smile. Just like a retard"
G. Hollins, East Sussex.

"I remember she came to visit us in the East End one time. She was so kind, so generous and so sweet. She whispered softly in my ear, 'you know its not true' she said, 'you don't smell of s**t'. She was a wondrous person".
E.Collier, London.

"Whichever way you look at it, it just is not as exciting as Diana".
G.Williams, West Midlands.

"She was one of us, and by that I don't mean she perpetrated insurance fraud or lied about expense claims. She was like us in a good way. God bless you ma'am".
L. Weller, Harlow.

"If only I could get my hands on that fish bone right now, you
heartless b*****d!".
J. Hedges, Cowdenbeath.

"She had such a difficult life, always battling against adversity and misfortune. Let us hope that if there is a next time round she is given a life of privilege and comfort".
T.D.Wainwright, Hastings.