Corny One for Friday

[illdecide]

Question: What's the difference between a Dublin GAA jersey and a school
uniform??
Answer: You can see school uniforms in September.

Question: Did you hear about the Dublin bra?
Answer: All support and no cup!!

Question: What do you say to a Dub on All-Ireland Final day?
Answer: 2 hot dogs please

Question: Whats blue and navy and goes beep, beep, beep?
Answer: Dublins's open top bus reversing back into the garage!!!

Question: What do you call a Dublin man with an all Ireland medal?
Answer: An antique dealer!

Question: What Dublin's national anthem?
Answer: What's another year!

Paul Caffrey was arrested last night after vandalising a cigarette
machine, he replied by saying he was in a bad way for 20 players!!

[illdecide]

Sorry lads i had that on b4 i noticed someone had a thread dedicated to it

[man in black]

gary Glitter has been given a date for his release.................................






She's about 8 but with the make up on she'd pass for 12

[illdecide]

A typical bloke, having split from his latest girlfriend, decided to take
a
holiday. He booked himself on a cruise and proceeded to have the time of
his
life, that is, until the ship sank.

He found himself on an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing,
only bananas and coconuts. After about four months, he is lying on the
beach
one day when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to the shore.

In disbelief, he asks, 'Where did you come from? How did you get here?' She
replies, 'I rowed from the other side of the island. I landed here when my
cruise ship sank.'

'Amazing,' he notes. 'You were really lucky to have a row boat wash up with
you.' 'Oh, this thing?' explains the woman. 'I made the boat out of raw
material I found on the island. The oars were whittled from gum tree
branches. I wove the bottom from palm branches, and the sides and stern
came
from a Eucalyptus tree.'

'But, where did you get the tools?'

'Oh, that was no problem,' replied the woman. 'On the south side of the
island, a very unusual stratum of alluvial rock is exposed. I found if I
fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into ductile iron.
I
used that for tools and used the tools to make the hardware.'

The guy is stunned.

'Let's row over to my place,' she says. After a few minutes of rowing, she
docks the boat at a small wharf. As the man looks to shore, he nearly falls
off the boat. Before him is stone walk leading to an exquisite bungalow
painted in blue and white.

While the woman ties up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope, the
man can only stare ahead, dumb struck. As they walk into the house, she
says
casually, 'It's not much but I call it home. Sit down, please. Would you
like a drink?'

'No! No thank you,' he blurts out, still dazed.

'I can't take another drop of coconut juice.' 'It's not coconut juice,'
winks the woman. 'I have a still. How would you like a Pina Colada?'

Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepts, and they sit down
on her couch to talk. After they have exchanged their stories, the woman
announces, 'I'm going to slip into something more comfortable. Would you
like to take a shower and shave? There is a razor upstairs in the bathroom
cabinet.'

No longer questioning anything, the man goes into the bathroom. There, in
the cabinet, a razor made from a piece of tortoise bone. Two shells honed
to
a hollow ground edge are fastened on to its end inside a swivel mechanism.

'This woman is amazing,' he muses. 'What next?'

When he returns, she greets him wearing nothing but vines, strategically
positioned, and smelling faintly of gardenias. She beckons for him to sit
down next to her.

'Tell me,' she begins suggestively, slithering closer to him, 'We've been
out here for many months. You've been lonely. There's something I'm sure
you
really feel like doing right now, something you've been longing for?' She
stares into his eyes ..

He swallows excitedly and tears start to form in his eyes.....

'F*****g hell, don't tell me you've got Sky Sports?'

[offtheground]

Michael Jackson was bathing his son. His son asks 'How come your c**k's different to mine'?
Jacko replies, 'Well, for a start you haven't got a hard on.'

[Niall Quinn]

Selection of Viz Top Tips

LaoisLad, hope you don't find the last one too upsetting!

MUMS. Out of Christmas wrapping paper? Simply convert birthday wrapping paper by adding "Jesus" after "Happy Birthday."

MOTORISTS. Deflate all your tyres before putting 20p in the forecourt air-line machine. That way you'll get your money's worth.

MONKS. Conduct a life of celibacy and emotional solitude without joining a monastery by simply living with my wife. It's more comfortable and you'll be able to watch TV and use the internet.

MOURNERS. Read the dress code instructions on funeral invitations very carefully. Sombre, whilst being only 2 letters away from sombrero, is a world apart in tone.

BOOKSHOP owners. Annoy Christians by putting the Bible in the 'Fiction' section of your shop.

SMOKERS. Enjoy seemingly longer holidays by stopping smoking on your first day off, making every day thereafter appear to be 72 hours long.

BOILED EGGS cut in half vertically, and with the yolk removed, make ideal miniature porcelain-style urinals for hamsters and guinea pigs.

BIRD FLU could be quickly and easily eradicated by adding a few drops of Lemsip or Daynurse to birdbaths. Obviously, you would have to put Nightnurse in the birdbaths for owls.

DOG owners. Don't waste money on a lead. Simply walk your dog backwards holding its tail.

SPOONERISE Rolf Harris's name. Hey Presto! You're saying it in a dog's voice.

McDONALD'S Save money on glass by not building a 'window number 1' in your drive throughs as there is invariably never anybody there.

SHOPPERS When buying oranges, get more for your money by peeling them before taking them to the counter to be weighed.

NEW Zealand tax inspectors. Save time by scrapping the section on the IR3 form asking people to declare 'income from illegal enterprises' as it is unlikely to elicit a great deal of response.

NUNS at St Cuthbert's School in the early 1970s. Demonstrate a keen sense of irony by calling yourselves the 'Sisters of mercy' whilst beating the shit out of us kids on a daily basis with bamboo canes.

PET OWNERS Rats make ideal 'large print' mice for short-sighted cats.

HOME decorators. Use a roller in each hand and halve your painting time.

LADIES When invited to a Buckingham Palace garden party, go wearing hair rollers, so that the Queen will think you are going somewhere REALLY important afterwards.

HOMEOWNERS Don't hesitate to tell the rest of us how much your house has appreciated in value since you bought it. The more frequently you give us updates, the greater will be our delight at your good fortune and our admiration and respect for your financial prescience.

BAKERS Avoid confusion and imprisonment when carrying desserts through airport customs by referring to Almond and Mocha bombs as Almond and Mocha upside-down cakes.

PAUL DANIELS - Liven up your routine by actually sawing the 'lovely' Debbie McGee in half on stage.

[The Real Laoislad]

Selection of Viz Top Tips

LaoisLad, hope you don't find the last one too upsetting!
PAUL DANIELS - Liven up your routine by actually sawing the 'lovely' Debbie McGee in half on stage.

Poor Debbie 

[Puckoon]

Selection of Viz Top Tips

LaoisLad, hope you don't find the last one too upsetting!
PAUL DANIELS - Liven up your routine by actually sawing the 'lovely' Debbie McGee in half on stage.

Poor Debbie 

Saw her in half, Split her in half -whats the real difference?

[An Fear Rua]

i know, i know

[gerry]

afr i do not know weather to laught or cry

[Puckoon]

Ah FFS!

[An Fear Rua]

I know, I know, I know etc

[ziggysego]

And yet you did..... tut-tut

[An Fear Rua]

And yet you did..... tut-tut

well , seeing as michael jackson bathing children was deemed ok, and theres no "damed to hell on wednesday thread".......

[ziggysego]