Corny One for Friday

[dodo]

HOW  MEN AMUSE THEMSELVES IN TESCO'S

Proof  of what can happen if a wife or girlfriend drags her husband or boyfriend along shopping

This letter was recently sent by  Tesco's Head Office to a customer in Oxford :

Dear Mrs.  Murray,

While we thank you for your valued custom and use of the  Tesco Loyalty Card, the Manager of our store in Banbury is considering  banning you and your family from shopping with us, unless your husband stops  his antics.
Below is a list of offences over the past few months all  verified by our surveillance cameras:

1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of  condoms and randomly put them in people's trolleys when they weren't  looking.

2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off  at 5-minute intervals.

3. July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the  floor leading to  feminine products aisle.

4. July 19: Walked up  to an employee and told her in an official tone, 'Code 3' in housewares.....  and watched what happened.

5. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET  FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

6. September 15: Set up a tent in the  outdoor clothing department and  told shoppers he'd invite them in if  they would bring sausages and a Calor  gas stove.

7. September  23: When the Deputy Manager asked if she could help him,  he began to  cry and asked, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?'

8. October  4: Looked right into the security camera; used it as a mirror, picked his  nose, and ate it.

9. November 10: While appearing to be choosing  kitchen knives in the Housewares aisle asked an assistant if he knew where  the  antidepressants were.

10. December 3: Darted around the  store suspiciously, loudly humming the Mission Impossible' theme.

11.  December 6: In the kitchenware aisle, practised the 'Madonna look' using  different size funnels.

12. December 18: Hid in a clothing rack and  when people browsed, yelled 'PICK ME!' 'PICK ME!'

13. December 21:  When an announcement came over the loud speaker, assumed the foetal position  and screamed 'NO! NO! It's those voices again.'

And; last, but not  least:

14. December 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door,  waited a while; then yelled, very loudly, 'There is no toilet paper in  here.

[Orior]

Q. How do mink get mink?

A. The same way that women get mink.

[ziggysego]

eh?

[Down Gael]

emptied the washing machine just there and discovered the fecking cat had crawled in there!








the only positive was that it died in comfort.

[Orior]

emptied the washing machine just there and discovered the fecking cat had crawled in there!








the only positive was that it died in comfort.

LOL.

Ziggy - how do women get men to buy them mink coats?

[Down Gael]

Ziggy - how do women get men to buy them mink coats?

The same way that mink get mink!

[ziggysego]

Sorry, I'm still clueless. Something tells me it's really obvious and I'm making a fool of myself.

[Orior]

Q. How do mink get mink?

A. The same way that women get mink.

In depth explanation for the Ziggy boyo:

1) Women get mink coats from men by having sex.

2) Mummy mink and daddy mink get baby minks by having sex.

QED.


Jeez Ziggy, now that I've had to explain the whole thing it aint funny anymore 

[ziggysego]

Aah, get it now. Wasn't funny.

[Our Nail Loney]

Yeah it was pretty shit!

[illdecide]

That was pure manure

[gallsman]

Most people who need jokes explained to them don't tend to find them funny....!

[ziggysego]

Did you find it funny?

[AZOffaly]

Possibly the funniest story in a long while;

This is a bricklayer's accident report, which was printed in the newsletter of the Australian equivalent of the Workers' Compensation Board.

This is a true story. Had this guy died, he'd have received a Darwin Award for sure.......



Dear Sir,

I am writing in response to your request for additional information in Block 3 of the "Accident Report Form".

I put "poor planning" as the cause of my accident.

You asked for a fuller explanation and I trust the following details be sufficient.

I am a bricklayer by trade.
On the day of the accident, I was working alone on the roof of a new six-storey building.

When I completed my work, I found that I had some bricks left over which, when weighed later were found to be slightly in excess of 500lbs.

Rather than carry the bricks down by hand, I decided to lower them in a barrel by using a pulley, which was attached to the side of the building on the sixth floor.

Securing the rope at ground I went up to the roof, swung the barrel out and loaded the bricks into it.

Then I went down and untied the rope, holding it tightly to ensure a slow descent of the bricks.

You will note in Block 11 of the Accident Report Form that I weigh 135 lbs.

Due to my surprise at being jerked off the ground so suddenly, I lost my presence of mind and forgot to let go of the rope.

Needless to say, I proceeded at a rapid rate up the side of the building.

In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel, which was now proceeding downward at an equally impressive speed.

This explained the fractured skull, minor abrasions and the broken collar bone, as listed in section 3 of the Accident Report Form.

Slowed only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping until the fingers of my right hand were two knuckles deep into the pulley.
Fortunately by this time I had regained my presence of mind and was able to hold tightly to the rope, in spite of beginning to experience pain.


At approximately the same time, however, the barrel of bricks hit the ground and the bottom fell out of the barrel.

Now devoid of the weight of the bricks (that barrel weighed approximately 50 lbs) I refer you again to my weight.

As you can imagine, I began a rapid descent, down the side of the building.
In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel coming up.

This accounts for the two fractured ankles, broken tooth and several lacerations of my legs and lower body.

Here my luck began to change slightly.

The encounter with the barrel seemed to slow me enough to lessen my injuries when I fell into the pile of bricks

and fortunately only three vertebrae were cracked.

I am sorry to report, however, as I lay there on the pile of bricks, in pain unable to move, I again lost my composure and presence of mind and let go of the rope
and I lay there watching the empty barrel begin its journey back down onto me. This explains the two broken legs.

I hope this answers your inquiry.

This isn't a true story. It's a prose version of the song Paddy the Builder. (The sick note)

Dear Boss I write this note to you to tell you of my plight
And at the time of writing I am not a pretty sight
My body Is all black and blue, my face a deathly grey.
And I write this note to say why Paddy's not at work today...

Ad infinitum.

[screenmachine]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=T_Vfxuk8x_A