Corny One for Friday

[armaghniac]

'I certainly have' I answered, . . . . . . 'I missed the kick.'

this was a good joke, but not worth posting again as it was one the previous page!

[Yes I Would]

Its better the second time!!

[ziggysego]

I missed it the first time round

[illdecide]

Its better the second time!!

What you talking about fool

[Yes I Would]

Its better the second time!!

What you talking about fool

I just thought i told it better!

[The Corporal]

A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen.

"Careful," he said, "CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my GOD! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my GOD! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK!

Careful...CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind?

Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!!! THE SALT!!!"

The wife stared at him. "What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?"

The husband calmly replied, "I wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving."

[The Corporal]

A couple are at a restaurant for a meal and it's one of those places where you have to choose your seafood from a tank.

Once the waiter shows the choice, the woman chooses sea bass and the male chooses a strange little squid, pale green in colour with a little moustache.

Gervaise, the chef prepares the sea bass for the woman and is in the process of preparing the little green squid with the moustache.

Gervaise raises his knife ready to cut but sees a little tear fall from the squids eye.

Never before has Gervasis felt choked about something like this and he just can not complete the task.

He calls Hans the dishwaser over and asks him to slice the squid up for him.

Hans raises the knife and is just about to bring the blade down when he also seas a little tear fall from this little green squid with the unusual moustache.

And the moral of the story?

Hans that do dishes can be soft as Gervaise, with mild green, hairy lip squid

[DirtyDozen12]

Possibly the funniest story in a long while;

This is a bricklayer's accident report, which was printed in the newsletter of the Australian equivalent of the Workers' Compensation Board.

This is a true story. Had this guy died, he'd have received a Darwin Award for sure.......



Dear Sir,

I am writing in response to your request for additional information in Block 3 of the "Accident Report Form".

I put "poor planning" as the cause of my accident.

You asked for a fuller explanation and I trust the following details be sufficient.

I am a bricklayer by trade.
On the day of the accident, I was working alone on the roof of a new six-storey building.

When I completed my work, I found that I had some bricks left over which, when weighed later were found to be slightly in excess of 500lbs.

Rather than carry the bricks down by hand, I decided to lower them in a barrel by using a pulley, which was attached to the side of the building on the sixth floor.

Securing the rope at ground I went up to the roof, swung the barrel out and loaded the bricks into it.

Then I went down and untied the rope, holding it tightly to ensure a slow descent of the bricks.

You will note in Block 11 of the Accident Report Form that I weigh 135 lbs.

Due to my surprise at being jerked off the ground so suddenly, I lost my presence of mind and forgot to let go of the rope.

Needless to say, I proceeded at a rapid rate up the side of the building.

In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel, which was now proceeding downward at an equally impressive speed.

This explained the fractured skull, minor abrasions and the broken collar bone, as listed in section 3 of the Accident Report Form.

Slowed only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping until the fingers of my right hand were two knuckles deep into the pulley.
Fortunately by this time I had regained my presence of mind and was able to hold tightly to the rope, in spite of beginning to experience pain.


At approximately the same time, however, the barrel of bricks hit the ground and the bottom fell out of the barrel.

Now devoid of the weight of the bricks (that barrel weighed approximately 50 lbs) I refer you again to my weight.

As you can imagine, I began a rapid descent, down the side of the building.
In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel coming up.

This accounts for the two fractured ankles, broken tooth and several lacerations of my legs and lower body.

Here my luck began to change slightly.

The encounter with the barrel seemed to slow me enough to lessen my injuries when I fell into the pile of bricks

and fortunately only three vertebrae were cracked.

I am sorry to report, however, as I lay there on the pile of bricks, in pain unable to move, I again lost my composure and presence of mind and let go of the rope
and I lay there watching the empty barrel begin its journey back down onto me. This explains the two broken legs.

I hope this answers your inquiry.

[el_cuervo_fc]

Not Politically Correct



I keep having my profile on that dating website 'Match.com' rejected.
One of the questions is, 'What do you want in a woman?'.
Apparently 'my dick' is not an acceptable answer.


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A suicide bomber runs into a pet shop and yells, 'you've all got 30 seconds to get out!'
The tortoise at the back of the shop shouts, 'you cu*t !'
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Why are women like clouds? Eventually they fu*k off and its a really nice day
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Whats the difference between light and hard?
You can sleep with a light on.
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A man walks into a petrol station and says, 'can I please have a KitKat Chunky?'
The lady behind the till gets him a KitKat Chunky and brings it back to him.
'No,' says the man, 'I wanted a normal KitKat, you fat f*ck.'
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My wife, being unhappy with my mood swings, bought me one of these mood rings so she could monitor my mood.
We discovered that, when I am in a good mood, it turns green and, when I am in a bad mood, it leaves a fu*king

Big red mark on her forehead.
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I was at an ATM money machine when an old lady came up and asked me to check her balance.
So I pushed her over.
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Zebo, a half blind five year old south African orphan, has to ride 7 miles a day to school with only one leg on a bicycle

With buckled wheels and no brakes. Give just small donation of 2 dollars and we'll send you the video, it's fu*king hilarious....


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I had a dog named minton who had an unfortunate habit of eating shuttlecocks.
Bad minton.
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Two men are in a pub. One says to his mate 'My mother-in-law is an angel'. The reply from his friend...... 'You're so fu*king lucky... Mine's still alive...'
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A man goes into a library and asks for a book on suicide.
The librarian says; 'Fu*k off, you won't bring it back.'
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2 Men in a pub and one is riding a Bucking Bronco Machine. He lasts over 10 minutes.
'Geeeeez mate, that was impressive!'
'I get lots of practice' Replied the other guy. 'My Wifes an epileptic'

[gerrykeegan]

Non league footie fans at their finest. The goalie had just let in a soft goal

Welling Utd v Maidstone


http://img411.imageshack.us/my.php?image=nonns1.jpg

Have never tried to post a picture before so this may not work

[The Real Laoislad]

Non league footie fans at their finest. The goalie had just let in a soft goal

Welling Utd v Maidstone


http://img411.imageshack.us/my.php?image=nonns1.jpg

Have never tried to post a picture before so this may not work

I have to admit it took me a while but i got it eventually

[Our Nail Loney]

Non league footie fans at their finest. The goalie had just let in a soft goal

Welling Utd v Maidstone


http://img411.imageshack.us/my.php?image=nonns1.jpg

Have never tried to post a picture before so this may not work

That is class! Musta put some thought into that at home!

[Erne Gael]

Non league footie fans at their finest. The goalie had just let in a soft goal

Welling Utd v Maidstone


http://img411.imageshack.us/my.php?image=nonns1.jpg

Have never tried to post a picture before so this may not work

afraid to ask... but might as well. Whats happening here?

[gerrykeegan]

Do I have to spell it out for you?

[The Real Laoislad]

Non league footie fans at their finest. The goalie had just let in a soft goal

Welling Utd v Maidstone


http://img411.imageshack.us/my.php?image=nonns1.jpg

Have never tried to post a picture before so this may not work

afraid to ask... but might as well. Whats happening here?

It took me a few minutes too

C


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