Corny One for Friday

[illdecide]

Shopping



Husband and wife are shopping in Tesco's when the man picks up a crate of

Stella lager and sticks it into the trolley




'What do you think you're doing?' asks the wife




'They're on offer, only £10 for 12 cans', he says




'Put them back. We can't afford it,' says the wife and they carry on

shopping....




A few aisles later the woman picks up a £20 jar of face cream and sticks it

into the trolley.




'What do you think you're doing?' asks the man,




'It's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,' she says




the man replies... 'SO DOES 12 CANS OF STELLA AND IT'S HALF THE F *& KING

PRICE'

[illdecide]

> A Somalian arrives in Cork a new immigrant to Ireland.
> > >
> > > He stops the first man he sees walking down the street and
> > says,
> > > 'Thank you
> > > Mr Irishman for letting me in this country, giving me
> > housing,
> > > food
> > > stamps, free medical care and free education!'
> > >
> > > The man says, 'You are mistaken, I am Pakistani.'
> > >
> > > The Somali man goes on and encounters another passer-by.
> > 'Thank
> > > you for
> > > having such a beautiful country here in Ireland !'
> > >
> This person says, 'I no Irish, me Polish.'
> He walks on and stops the next person, shakes his hand and
> > says,
> > > 'Thank you
> > > for the wonderful things in Ireland !' This person puts up his
> hand
> and says, 'I am from India , I am not Irish!'
> Finally, he sees a nice lady and asks, 'Are you Irish?' She
> says,' No, I am from Africa !'
> > > Puzzled, he asks her, 'Where are all the Irish people?'
> > >
> > > The African lady checks her watch and says ...
>
> > > ' Probably at work!! '
>

[illdecide]

WHO IS JACK SCHITT





For some time many of us have wondered just who is Jack Schitt?





We find ourselves at a loss when someone says, 'You don't know Jack


Schitt!' Well, thanks to my genealogy efforts, you can now respond in an


intellectual way.





Jack Schitt is the only son of Awe Schitt. Awe Schitt, the fertilizer


magnate, married O. Schitt, the owner of Needeep N.


Schitt, Inc. They had one son, Jack.





In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt. The deeply religious couple


produced six children: Holie Schitt, Giva Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Bull


Schitt, and the twins Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt.





Against her parents' objections, Deep Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high


school dropout. After being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt


divorced. Noe Schitt later married Ted Sherlock, and because her kids


were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name. She was


then known as Noe Schitt Sherlock.





Meanwhile, Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt, and they produced a son with


a rather nervous disposition named Chicken Schitt. Two of the other six


children, Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt, were inseparable throughout


childhood and subsequently married the Happens brothers in a dual


ceremony. The wedding announcement in the newspaper announced the


Schitt-Happens nuptials.


The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg, Byrd, and Horse.





Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world. He recently


returned from Italy with his new Italian bride, Pisa Schitt.





Now when someone says, 'You don't know Jack Schitt,' you can correct


them.





Sincerely,


Crock O. Schitt

[illdecide]

The doctor said,   'Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches.

The bad news is that it will require cast**tion.

You have a very rare condition which causes your te**icles to press on your spine, and the pressure creates one hell of a headache.

The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the test**les.'

Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He had no choice but to go under the knife.

When he left the hospital, he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life.

He saw a men's clothing store and thought, 'That's what I need... a new suit.' He entered the shop and told the salesman, 'I'd like a new suit.'

The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, 'Let's see...size 44 long.'

Joe laughed, 'That's right, how did you know?'

'Been in the business 60 years!' the tailor said.

Joe tried on the suit; it fit perfectly.

As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, 'How about a new shirt?'

Joe thought for a moment and then said, 'Sure.'

The salesman eyed Joe and said, 'Let's see, 34 sleeves and 16-1/2 neck.'

Joe was surprised, 'That's right, how did you know?'

' Been in the business 60 years.'

Joe tried on the shirt, and it fit perfectly.

Joe walked comfortably around the shop, and the salesman asked, 'How about some new underwear?'

Joe thought for a moment and said, 'Sure.'

The salesman said, 'Let's see...size 36.'

Joe laughed, 'Ah ha! I got you, I've worn a size 34 since I was 18 years old.'

The salesman shook his head, 'You can't wear a size 34. A size 34 would press your test**les up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache.'

New suit - $400
New shirt - $36
New underwear - $6
Second opinion - PRICELESS

[illdecide]

Bruce and Jenny are only 10 years old, but they just know that they are in love. One day they decide that they want to get married, so Bruce goes to Jenny's father to ask him for herhand.

Bruce bravely walks up to him and says, 'Mr. Smith, me and Jenny are in love and I want to ask you for her hand in marriage.'

Thinking that this was just the cutest thing, Mr.Smith replies, 'Well Bruce, you are only 10. Where will you two live?'

Without even taking a moment to think about it, Bruce replies, 'In Jenny's room. It's bigger than mine and we can both fit there nicely.'

Still thinking this is just adorable, Mr. Smith says with a huge grin, 'Okay then, how will you live? You're not old enough to get a job. You'll need to support Jenny.'

Again, Bruce instantly replies, 'Our allowance...Jenny makes 5 bucks a week and I make 10 bucks a week. That's about 60 bucks a month, and that should do us just fine.'

By this time Mr. Smith is a little shocked that Bruce has put so much thought into this. He thinks for a moment trying to come up with something that Bruce won't have an answer to. After a second, Mr. Smith says, 'Well, Bruce, it seems like you have got everything all figured out. I just have one more question for you. What will you do if the two of you should have little ones of your own?'

Bruce just shrugs his shoulders and says, 'Well, we've been lucky so far.'

Mr Smith no longer thinks the little shit is adorable.

[ziggysego]

Actual call centre conversations !!!!!

Customer:     'I've been ringing 0800 2100 for two days and can't get through to enquiries, can you help?'.
Operator:     'Where did you get that number from, sir?'.
Customer:     'It was on the door to the Travel Centre'.
Operator:     'Sir, they are our opening hours'.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Samsung Electronics
Caller:          'Can you give me the telephone number for Jack?'
Operator:     'I'm sorry, sir, I don't understand who you are talking about'.
Caller:          'On page 1, section 5, of the user guide it clearly states that I need to unplug the fax machine from the AC  wall socket and telephone Jack before cleaning. Now, can you give me the number for Jack?'
Operator:      'I think you mean the telephone point on the wall'.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
RAC Motoring Services
Caller:          'Does your European Breakdown Policy cover me when I am travelling in Australia ?'
Operator:      ' Doesn't the product name give you a clue?'
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Caller (enquiring about legal requirements while travelling in France ):
'If I register my car in France , do I have to change the steering wheel to the other side of the car?'
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Directory Enquiries
Caller:               'I'd like the number of the Argoed Fish Bar in Cardiff please'.
Operator:          'I'm sorry, there's no listing. Is the spelling correct?'
Caller:               'Well, it used to be called the Bargoed Fish Bar but the 'B' fell off'.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Then there was the caller who asked for a knitwear company in Woven.
Operator:        'Woven? Are you sure?'
Caller:             'Yes. That's what it says on the label; Woven in Scotland '.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
On another occasion, a man making heavy breathing sounds from a phone box told a worried operator:
'I haven't got a pen, so I'm steaming up the window to write the number on'.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Tech Support:      'I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop'.
Customer:             'OK'.
Tech Support:      'Did you get a pop-up menu?'.
Customer:             'No'.
Tech Support:      'OK. Right-Click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?'
Customer:             'No'.
Tech Support:      'OK, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this point?'.
Customer:            'Sure. You told me to write 'click' and I wrote 'click''.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Tech Support:          'OK. In the bottom left hand side of the screen, can you see the 'OK' button displayed?'
Customer:                 'Wow. How can you see my screen from there?'
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Caller:  'I deleted a file from my PC last week and I have just realised that I need it. If I turn my system clock back two weeks will I have my file back again?'.
---------------------------------------------------------------------- -------------------------------------------
There's always one. This has got to be one of the funniest things in a long time. I think this guy should have been promoted, not fired. This is a true story from the Word Perfect Helpline, which was transcribed from a recording monitoring the customer care department. Needless to say the Help Desk employee was fired; however, he/she is currently suing the Word Perfect organization for 'Termination without Cause'.
Actual dialogue of a former WordPerfect Customer Support employee. (Now I know why they record these conversations!):

Operator:         'Ridge Hall, computer assistance; may I help you?'
Caller:              'Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect.'
Operator:         'What sort of trouble??'
Caller:              'Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away.'
Operator:         'Went away?'
Caller:              'They disappeared.'
Operator:         'Hmm So what does your screen look like now?'
Caller:              'Nothing.'
Operator:         'Nothing??'
Caller:              'It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type.'
Operator:         'Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out??'
Caller:              'How do I tell?'
Operator:         'Can you see the C: prompt on the screen??'
Caller:              'What's a sea-prompt?'
Operator:         'Never mind, can you move your cursor around the screen?'
Caller:              'There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type.'
Operator:         'Does your monitor have a power indicator??'
Caller:              'What's a monitor?'
Operator:         'It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on??'
Caller:               'I don't know.'
Operator:          'Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that??'
Caller:              'Yes, I think so.'
Operator:         'Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall.
Caller:              'Yes, it is.'
Operator:         'When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one??'
Caller:               'No.'
Operator:          'Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable.'
Caller:               'Okay, here it is.'
Operator:          'Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer.'
Caller:               'I can't reach.'
Operator:          'Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is??'
Caller:               'No.'
Operator:          'Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over??'
Caller:               'Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle - it's because it's dark.'
Operator:          'Dark??'
Caller:               'Yes - the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window.
' Operator: 'Well, turn on the office light then.'
Caller:               'I can't.'
Operator:          'No? Why not??'
Caller:               'Because there's a power failure.'
Operator:  'A power......... A power failure? Aha, Okay, we've got it licked now.
Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in??'
Caller:               'Well, yes, I keep them in the closet.'
Operator:           'Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from.'
Caller:                'Really? Is it that bad?'
Operator:            'Yes, I'm afraid it is.'
Caller:                 'Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them??'
Operator:            'Tell them you're too f --- ing stupid to own a computer!!!!!'   

[5 Sams]

All the Chelsea players have been asked to attend Frank Lampard's mother's funeral except for Didier Drogba....they're afraid of him diving in the box.

[Hardy]

Any pun fans?
                  _____________________

The latest market research shows a growing trend for eating high-fibre cereal for breakfast, with the result that people are experiencing greater regularity in their bowel movements.

With trends like that, who needs enemas?

                  _____________________

I heard the strangest thing on the radio yesterday. It was an interview of a guy whose hobby was eating endangered birds. He went into great detail of all the meals that he'd had - bald eagle stew, deep fried condor wings, breast of kestrel - that kind of thing.

The interviewer then asked him, "So have you eaten any egrets at all?"

"Egrets?" he said "I've had a few. But then again, too few to munch on."

                  _____________________

This guy goes into a restaurant for breakfast while in his home town for Christmas. After looking over the menu he says, "I'll just have the eggs benedict." His order comes a while later and it's served on a big, shiny hubcap. He asks the waiter, "What's with the hubcap?" The waiter sings, "There's no plate like chrome for the hollandaise!"

[ONeill]

Keats and Chapman were staying on the site of an archeological dig in Kurdistan. One night, Chapman was woken by noises outside his tent. Peering out, he saw two figures emerge from a nearby tent, then make their way to the next and crawl quietly in. He realised that the men were native tribesmen stealing from the tents while the camp slept. Chapman left his tent and cast around for a weapon, thinking that the natives were probably armed. The first thing that came to hand was a bone from a pile nearby. Chapman recognised it as a human thigh bone. Moving quietly to the tent where the robbers were, he waited for them to emerge. As they crawled out, he struck first the one and then the other sharply over the head, knocking them both unconscious, then raised the alarm. The camp came awake, and a small crowd gathered around Chapman and the two unconscious natives. Chapman explained what had happened.
"Well done, Chapman," said Keats. "You seem to have stilled two Kurds with one bone."

* * * * * * *

Walking along the cliffs near Land's End one day, Keats and Chapman came across a spot overlooking a small bay, where they decided to rest for a while. Lower down the cliff, they noticed a group of boys throwing stones at the sea birds in the bay.
After a while, Chapman said, "Keats, don't you think we should do something about this?"
"What? Yes, yes of course you're right," replied Keats. Leaning forward over the cliff, he called down to the boys, "That's it, lads, keep it up. Leave no tern unstoned."

* * * * * * *

Keats and Chapman were visiting a friend at his house in the country. Their friend was well known for his hobby of collecting thrones, rather unusual collector's items perhaps, but the man had the wealth to have acquired quite a fair few of them. At Keats' request, the man led them through to a large conservatory, where the collection stood. Some were set out for display, whilst others, the less worthy perhaps, were stacked in piles. Chapman was particularly struck by one throne which was some way down in a stack in a corner. He asked if it might be possible to view it properly, and their friend obligingly called for the butler to dismantle the pile. The butler was some time in arriving, and Chapman, impatient at the wait, began to lift thrones from the pile himself. Unfortunately, the pile had not been well stacked, and, Chapman disturbing its precarious equilibrium, the whole heavy tower of thrones toppled and fell, crashing through the glass end wall of the conservatory.
There was a silence, then Chapman, horror-stricken, said, "What can I say?"
"You could try the old adage," said Keats promptly. "People who live in glass houses shouldn't stow thrones."

* * * * * * *

An unfortunate series of events had led to an acquaintance of Chapman's becoming an inmate of the local lunatic asylum. Our heroes went along one visiting day to see the man. The asylum was built in the form of a square, enclosing a courtyard, and it was in that courtyard that the visitors were allowed to visit their unfortunate friends and relatives. After some time, a white coated attendant came out to the top of the steps that led down into the courtyard, and began ringing a handbell.
"What does that signify?" asked Chapman.
"I think," said Keats, "he is ringing in the sane."

* * * * * * *

Keats and Chapman were at the dress rehearsal of an open air concert, the conductor being a friend of Keats'. During the first half, they became aware that the audience was bigger than they had realised - a herd of cows in an adjacent field were lined up along the fence bemusedly watching this human interruption to their grazing. Come the interval, a number of the orchestra rushed off to the nearest pub, the Old Bush. The allotted time for the interval passed, but the dress did not resume. Eventually, Keats went over to ask the conductor what was causing the delay. Apparently two of the orchestra had still not returned from the pub.
"Come on, Chapman," said Keats, and rushed off to the field of cows. Somewhat puzzled, Chapman followed. Keats entered the field, and began shooing the cows out through a gate towards the site of the concert.
"Whatever are you doing?" asked Chapman.
"There's no time to talk," replied Keats. "Just get these cows into the orchestra. Stand aside, there, chaps, make way, make way! A herd in the band is worth two in the Bush!"

[Orior]

A family of prostitutes were discussing money.

The youngest one says " I only get £30 now for a blow-job".

The mother says "Well in my day all I'd get for that was a fiver".

And the granny says "ah sure in my day I was just glad of the warm drink".

[maddog]

Signs You Might be Taliban:

10. You refine heroin for a living, but you have a moral objection to beer.

9. You own a $300 machine gun and a $5,000 rocket launcher, but you can't afford shoes.

8. You have more wives than teeth.

7. You think vests come in two styles: bullet-proof and suicide.

6. You can't think of anyone you HAVEN'T declared Jihad against.

5 . You consider television dangerous, but routinely carry ammunition in your robe.

4. You've never been asked, 'Does this burka make my ass look big?'

3. You were amazed to discover that cell phones have uses other than setting off roadside bombs.

2. A common compliment is, 'I love what you've done with your cave.'

And, the NUMBER ONE SIGN you might be a member of the Taliban:

1. You wipe your ass with your bare hand, but consider bacon unclean.

[Candyman]

LITTLE APRIL WAS SITTING AT THE BACK OF THE CLASS AND WAS HALF FALLING ASLEEP, THE TEACHER NOTICED THIS AND SHOUTED TO HER

*APRIL WHO MADE THE WORLD,* JOHNNY SITTING NEXT TO APRIL SAW SHE DID NOT HEAR AND JABBED HER IN THE BACKSIDE WITH HIS PEN.

APRIL SHOUTED *GOD ALMIGHTY*

5 MINS LATER THE TEACHER NOTICED APRIL DOZING OFF AGAIN AND SHOUTED *APRIL WHO IS OUR SAVIOUR* JOHNNY SEEING APRIL WAS HALF ASLEEP AGAIN JABBED HER IN THE BACKSIDE WITH HIS PEN AND APRIL SHOUTED *JESUS CHRIST*

10 MINS LATER THE TEACHER NOTICES APRIL HALF ASLEEP AGAIN AND THOUGHT I WILL CATCH HER THIS TIME

SO TEACHER SHOUTS *APRIL --WHAT DID EVE SAY TO ADAM AFTER HAVING HIS 23RD CHILD..........JOHNNY SEES APRIL IS HALF ASLEEP AGAIN AND AGAIN HE GIVES HER A GOOD JAB WITH HIS PEN.

AND APRIL SHOUTS *IF YOU STICK THAT f**king THING IN ME AGAIN I WILL BREAK IT IN HALF AND SHOVE IT UP YOUR ARSE.*----------------------

THE TEACHER FAINTED.

[gerrykeegan]

An austrian journalist asked a neighbour how long he had known josef frittzles daughter alice. Alice? He replied. Who the f**k is Alice.you mean For 24 years ........ Ive been living next door to Alice!

[ziggysego]

Not funny 

[gallsman]

Not funny 

Come on ziggy, jokes (even in poor taste) always follow tragedies such as this e.g. 9/11, Ipswich murders, Maddie McCann etc.

People in glass houses and all that you know.