Corny One for Friday

[illdecide]

Rangers have been that lucky this year it wouldn't surprise me if they came back
from Portugal this week with Madeline McCann

[Star Spangler]

You've got some shit jokes!  You're funnier on the Queen's thread!! 

[illdecide]

You've got some shit jokes!  You're funnier on the Queen's thread!! 

There's no call for that Spangler Some of them are pretty shit but some people like them. Thats the first time on the board i've had the Mod after me

[illdecide]

Lads i know this is as old as tea and the jokes are not getting any better but it is Monday morning...

Super Sex

Superman was feeling bored after a long
streak of crime fighting and wanted to go out and party.
            
            
            
He called Batman to ask if he wanted to go
to a club and pick up some girls. Batman said Robin was ill and he had to
look after him.
            
            
A little disappointed, Superman called
Spiderman to see if he fancied a few beers. Spiderman told him he had a date
with Cat Woman.
            
            
As a last resort, Superman flew over to
Wonder Woman's apartment to see if she was free. As he landed on her
balcony, he saw Wonder Woman naked on the bed with her legs open.
            
            
Superman thought to himself, "I'm faster
than a speeding bullet, I could be in there, have sex, and be out again
before she knew what was happening."
            
            
So Superman did his super thing in a split
second and flew off happily.
            
            
Meanwhile on the bed, Wonder Woman said "Did you hear something?"
            
"No!" said the Invisible Man, "but my ass sure hurts like hell!"

[illdecide]

Little Johnnie

          

               

Little Johnnie's neighbor had a baby. Unfortunately, the baby was born without ears.
               
When mother and new baby came home from the hospital, Johnnie's family was invited over to see the baby.
Before they left their house, Little Johnnie's dad had a talk with him and explained that the baby had no ears.
               
His dad also told him that if he so much mentioned anything about the baby's missing ears or even said the word
ears, he would get the smacking of his life when they came back home. Little Johnnie told his dad he
understood completely.
               
When Johnnie looked in the crib he said, 'What a beautiful baby.' The mother said, 'Why, thank you, Little Johnnie.
Johnnie said, 'He has beautiful little feet and beautiful little hands, a cute little nose and really beautiful eyes. Can he see?'
               
'Yes', the mother replied, 'we are so thankful; the Doctor said he will have 20/20 vision.'
               
'That's great', said Little Johnnie,'coz he'd be fu*ked if he needed glasses

[el_cuervo_fc]

The Things Men do for GAA !!


A man had great tickets for the All Ireland final. As he sits down, another man comes over and asks if anyone is sitting in the seat next to him.'No,'he says. 'The seat is empty.'
'This is incredible!' said the man. 'Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the All Ireland Final, the biggest sporting event in the world and not use it?'
He says, 'Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. My wife was supposed to come with me, but she passed away. This is the first All Ireland Final we haven't been to together since we got married.'
'Oh ... I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible. But couldn't you find smeone else - a friend or relative, or even a neighbour to take the seat?'


Wait for it.....................

 




The man shakes his head. 'No they're all at the funeral.'

[ziggysego]

The Moral of Auntie Sharon

A teacher gave her class of 11 year olds an assignment: To get their parent to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.

The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories.

Ashley said, 'My father's a farmer and we have a lot of egg-laying hens.

One time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the car when we hit a big bump in the road and all the eggs got broken.'

'What's the morale of that story?' asked the teacher.

'Don't put all your eggs in one basket!'

'Very good,' said the teacher.

Next little Sarah raised her hand and said, 'Our family are farmers too.

But we raise chickens for the meat market. One day we had a dozen eggs, but when they hatched we only got ten live chicks, and the moral to this story is, 'Don't count your chickens before they're hatched'.'

'That was a fine story Sarah.'

Michael, do you have a story to share?'

'Yes. My daddy told me this story about my Aunty Sharon. Aunty Sharon was a flight engineer on a plane in the Gulf War and her plane got hit.

She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a bottle of whisky, a machine gun and a machete.

She drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't break and then she landed right in the middle of 100 enemy troops.

She killed seventy of them with the machine gun until she ran out of bullets.

Then she killed twenty more with the machete until the blade broke.

And then she killed the last ten with her bare hands.'

'Good heavens,' said the horrified teacher, 'what kind of moral did your daddy tell you from that horrible story?'

'Stay the f .... away from Aunty Sharon when she's been drinking.'

[illdecide]

Black hurricanes....

Well, it appears our African-American friends have found yet something else to be pissed about. A black congresswoman, from Florida , has complained that the names of hurricanes are all Caucasian sounding names.

She would prefer some names that reflect African-American culture Such as Chamiqua, Tanisha, Woeisha, Shaqueal, and Jamal.

I am NOT making this up!

She would also like the weather reports to be broadcast in Language that street people can understand because one of the problems that happened in New Orleans was, that black people couldn't understand the seriousness of the situation, due to the racially biased language of the weather report.

I can hear it now: A weatherman in Miami and Tampa says...

Wazzup, mutha-fukkas! Hehr-i-cane Chamiqua be headin' fo' yo ass like Leroy on a crotch rocket!

Bitch be a category fo'! So grab yo' chirren, yo'

Ho, be leavin yo crib, and head fo' da nearest guv'ment office fo yo FREE shit!

[illdecide]

I know this is not a joke but could someone explain it to me


Nothing you can do with maths applies after reading this. I think that all structural calculations I have ever done are now invalid because of the flawed system. The world is about to end.

Three guys in a hotel call room service and order two large pizzas. The delivery boy brings them up with a bill for exactly £30.00. Each guy gives him a £10.00 note, and he leaves. That's fact!

When he hands the £30.00 to the cashier, he is told a mistake was made. The bill was only £25.00, not £30.00. The cashier gives the delivery boy five £1.00 coins and tells him to take it back to the 3 guys who ordered the pizza. That's fact!

On the way back to their room, the delivery boy has a thought. These guys did not give him a tip. He figures that since there is no way to split £5.00 evenly three ways anyhow, he will keep two pounds for himself and give them back three pounds. OK! So far so good!

He knocks on the door and one fellow answers. He explains about a mix up in the bill, and hands the guy the three pounds, and then departs with his two pound tip in his pocket. Now the fun begins!

Remember £30 - £25 = £5 Right? £5 - £3 = £2 Right?

So what's the problem? All is well, right? Not quite. Answer this: Each of the three guys originally gave £10.00 each. They each got back £1.00 in change. That means they paid £9.00 each, which times three is £27.00. The delivery boy kept £2.00 for a tip. £27.00 plus £2.00 equals £29.00.

Where the hell is the other pound?

[Rick O Shea]

I know this is not a joke but could someone explain it to me


Nothing you can do with maths applies after reading this. I think that all structural calculations I have ever done are now invalid because of the flawed system. The world is about to end.

Three guys in a hotel call room service and order two large pizzas. The delivery boy brings them up with a bill for exactly £30.00. Each guy gives him a £10.00 note, and he leaves. That's fact!

When he hands the £30.00 to the cashier, he is told a mistake was made. The bill was only £25.00, not £30.00. The cashier gives the delivery boy five £1.00 coins and tells him to take it back to the 3 guys who ordered the pizza. That's fact!

On the way back to their room, the delivery boy has a thought. These guys did not give him a tip. He figures that since there is no way to split £5.00 evenly three ways anyhow, he will keep two pounds for himself and give them back three pounds. OK! So far so good!

He knocks on the door and one fellow answers. He explains about a mix up in the bill, and hands the guy the three pounds, and then departs with his two pound tip in his pocket. Now the fun begins!

Remember £30 - £25 = £5 Right? £5 - £3 = £2 Right?

So what's the problem? All is well, right? Not quite. Answer this: Each of the three guys originally gave £10.00 each. They each got back £1.00 in change. That means they paid £9.00 each, which times three is £27.00. The delivery boy kept £2.00 for a tip. £27.00 plus £2.00 equals £29.00.

Where the hell is the other pound?

i dunno how to put this into words, but i'll try!

There is no need to add the £2 to the £27 - you're just adding 2 numbers for the sake of it!

The fellas spent £27; £25 for the pizza, £2 tip
The pizza place got £30 originally, but returned £5; £3 to the fellas; £2 for the tip
And the delivery boy got £2; £30 minus £25 (for the pizza) minus £3 returned

hope thats clear   

[gallsman]

30 quid paid at the start.

Hotel keeps 25.

Each man gets 1 back. 3x1=3

Delivery boy keeps 2.

25+3+2 = 30.

The fact that they paid out a tenner in the first place cannot be overlooked even though they all get a pound back.

[screenexile]

A man has 17 camels and 3 sons...

WHen the man dies he leaves the camels to his 3 sons. 1/3 to the eldest, 1/6 to the middle son and 1/9 to the youngest Son. Perplexed by this conundrum the family lawyer wasn't sure how to split up the 17 camels until the children's friend Ali came up with a solution that solved it easily... how did he do it??

[Billys Boots]

I think you're wrong - the splits were 1/2, 1/3 and 1/9 of the herd.  Anyway, Ali added another camel to the mix to make 18.

Then the eldest gets 9 camels, the middle gets 6 camels and the youngest gets 2 camels adding up to 17 camels, Ali takes his own back and everyone's happy. 

[gallsman]

I think you're wrong - the splits were 1/2, 1/3 and 1/9 of the herd.  Anyway, Ali added another camel to the mix to make 18.

Then the eldest gets 9 camels, the middle gets 6 camels and the youngest gets 2 camels adding up to 17 camels, Ali takes his own back and everyone's happy. 

Yep, screenexile has the splits wrong, but I've seen this one before about Ali or George or Bob turning up on his own camel or horse or donkey and then doing the division!

[gerry]

breaking news : police have just stopped john Arne risse on the m62. Apparently he was heading in the wrong direction...