Corny One for Friday

[illdecide]

THE LATEST CHRISTMAS TOY HAS JUST HIT THE SHOPS - "A TALKING MUSLIM DOLL"
NO-ONE KNOWS WHAT IT SAYS YET BECAUSE NO-ONE HAS THE BALLS TO PULL THE CORD

[gerry]

Kate McCann has been appointed the new England manager.
The F.A. were impressed at her record for only loosing one in Europe

Five times you have loss all respect. Thought more of you. 

[gallsman]

Self righteous comedy police starting out again I see.

High. Horse. Off. Now. Please.

[illdecide]

Men Are Just Happier People
 
NICKNAMES
If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah .
If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla and Four-eyes.
 
EATING OUT
When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in £20, even though it's only for £32.50.
None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.
When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.
 
MONEY
A man will pay £2 for a £1 item he needs.
A woman will pay £1 for a £2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale.
 
BATHROOMS
A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel from M&S.
The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337.
A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.
 
ARGUMENTS
A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
 
CATS
Women love cats.
Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.
 
FUTURE
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
 
SUCCESS
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
 
MARRIAGE
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.
 
DRESSING UP
A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the bins, answer the phone, read a book, and get the post.
A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.
 
NATURAL
Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
Women somehow deteriorate during the night.
 
OFFSPRING
Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children.
She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favourite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.
A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.
 
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
A married man should forget his mistakes.
There's no use in two people remembering the same thing.

[illdecide]

    A City cop was on his horse waiting to
    cross the street when a littlegirl on her
    new shinybike stopped beside him.

"Nice bike," the cop said "did Santa bring it to
you?"

"Yep," the little girl said, "he sure did!"

The cop looked the bike over and handed the
girl a $5 ticket for a safety violation. The cop
said, "Next year tell Santa to put a
reflectorlight on the back of it."

The young girl looked up at the cop and said,
"Nice horse you got there sir, did Santa bring it
to you?"

"Yes, he sure did," chuckled the cop.

The little girl looked up at the cop and said,

"Next year tell Santa the dick goes underneath
the horse, not on top."

[OdoSkimodo]

http://www.langerland.com/content/view/82/59/

[gerry]

http://www.langerland.com/content/view/82/59/

class

[illdecide]

> Small world!
>
>
> A chicken farmer went to a local bar... sat next to a woman and
> ordered a glass of champagne.
>
> The woman perks up and says, "How about that? I just ordered a glass
> of champagne, too!"
>
> "What a coincidence," the farmer says, "This is a special day for me,
> I'm celebrating."
> "This is a special day for me too, I'm also celebrating!"
> says the woman.
>
> "What a coincidence," says the man. As they clinked glasses the farmer
> asked, "What are you celebrating?"
> "My husband and I have been trying to have a child, and today my
> gynaecologist told me that I'm pregnant!"
> "What a coincidence," says the man .. "I'm a chicken farmer, and for
> years all my hens were infertile, but today they're finally laying
> fertilized eggs."
>
> "That's great!" says the woman, "How did your chickens become
> fertile?"
> "I used a different c**k," he replied.
> The woman smiled and said,
>
> "What a coincidence..."

[5 Sams]

Whilst I agree about the teacher in Sudan getting 15 days for calling the teddy bear Mohammed...I thought it was a bit f**king harsh deporting her to Liverpool.

[Hoof Hearted]

After the uproar in the sudan about "mohammed the bear" , sooty has cancelled his planned tour of Jamaica !!

[full back]

I went out with a girl last week & she told me she wanted to be treated like a Princess
So I put her in the back of a Mercedes & drove it into a wall

[ziggysego]

Jokester: Hey, did you hear that chick from "Walk the Line" stabbed her husband?


Victim: With a knife?


Jokester: No, Withherspoon!

[ziggysego]

Last month,  The University of Ulster Jordanstown scientists released the results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer. Men should take a  concerned look at there beer consumption. The theory is since hops contains phytoestrogens, beer therefore contains female hormones, and by drinking enough beer, men turn into women.

To test the theory, 100 men drank 8 pts of beer eachwithin a  one hr period. It was then 100 per cent of the test subjects:

1)  argued over nothing
2)  refused to apologise when obviously wrong
3)  Gained weight
4)  Talked excessively without making sense
5)  Became overly emotional
6)  couldn't drive
7)  Failed to think rationally
  Had to sit down while urinating

[cville]

Jokester: Hey, did you hear that chick from "Walk the Line" stabbed her husband?


Victim: With a knife?


Jokester: No, Withherspoon!

That joke went out of fashion with square penises.. ie 1986 .. I hear Bruno's fighting for a world title ... Witherspoon? ... no with gloves....Dah Daaaaa! 

[ziggysego]

Was square penises ever in fashion?