Corny One for Friday

[pintsofguinness]

 After getting all of Pope Benedict's luggage loaded into the limo,
(and he doesn't travel light), the driver notices that the Pope is
still standing on the kerb.

"Excuse me, Your Holiness," says the driver, "Would you please
take your seat so we can leave?"
"Well, to tell you the truth," says the Pope, "they never let
me drive at the Vatican, and I'd really like to drive today."

"I'm sorry but I cannot let you do that. I'd lose my job! And
what if something should happen?" protests the driver, wishing he'd
never gone to work that morning.

"There might be something extra in it for you," says the Pope.
Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the Pope climbs in behind
the wheel.
The driver quickly regrets his decision when, after exiting
the airport, the Pontiff floors it, accelerating the limo to 105 mph.

"Please slow down, Your Holiness!!!" pleads the worried driver,
but the Pope keeps the pedal to the metal until they hear sirens.
"Oh, dear God, I'm gonna lose my license," moans the driver.
The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the cop approaches
but the cop takes one look at him, goes back to his motorcycle, and
gets on the radio

"I need to talk to the Chief," he says to the dispatcher. The
Chief gets on the radio and the cop tells him that he's stopped a limo
going a hundredand five.

"So bust him," says the Chief.
"I don't think we want to do that, he's really important,"
said thecop. The Chief exclaimed, "All the more reason!"
"No, I mean really important," said the cop.
The Chief then asked, "Who ya got there, the Mayor?"
Cop: "Bigger."
Chief: "Governor?"
Cop: "Bigger."
"Well," said the Chief, "Who is it?"
Cop: "I think it's God!"
Chief: "What makes you think it's God?"
Cop: "He's got the f***ing Pope as a chauffeur!!"

[Fiodoir Ard Mhacha]

http://christmas.calmasylum.com/dickinson_dees/calendar.php

[Fiodoir Ard Mhacha]

http://www.glumbert.com/media/badrobber

[full back]

If a quiz is quizzical, what is a test?

[guy crouchback]

Fourteen Things That It Took Me Over 50 Years To Learn—by Dave Barry

   1. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

   2. If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be "meetings."

   3. There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."

   4. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.

   5. You should not confuse your career with your life.

   6. Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.

   7. Never lick a steak knife.

   8. The most destructive force in the universe is gossip.

   9. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight savings time.

  10. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.

  11. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is age eleven.

  12. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above-average drivers.

  13. A person who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person. (This is very important. Pay attention. It never fails.)

  14. Your friends love you anyway.


Thought for the day: Never be afraid to try something new. Remember that a lone amateur built the Ark. A large group of professionals built the Titanic.

[Fiodoir Ard Mhacha]

4 stages of Santa

1. You believe in Santa

2. You don't believe in Santa

3. You ARE Santa

4. You look like Santa

I'll grab my elvish hat......

[maddog]

 The Story of Christmas (adapted for Dubs)
>
>Dere's dis boord called Mary, yeah? She's a virgin (wha' de fook is
dah?).
>She's not married or nuttin', but she's got dis felleh, Joe, righ'? He
does
>joinery an' all dah. Mary lives with him in a flah dowwen in Nazareh.
>
>One day Mary meets dis yungfelleh Gabriel. She's like "Wha are yeh
bleedin'
>lookin' ah?" Gabriel just goes "You're fookin' pregnant so yeh are".
Mary's
>scarleh. She gives him a fookin' earful: "Are you bleedin' startin'?
I'm no
>fookin' sluh. I never bin wih no one!"
>
>So Mary goes and sees her cousin Liz, who's six months gone herself.
Liz is
>on a mad buzz, bud. She's filled with spirits, Barcardi Breezers an'
all
>dah.
>
>She sez te Mary "Ah howeyeh, Mary, I can feel me chiseller in me
stummick
>and I reckon I'm well blessed. Think of all deh money we'll be getting
from
>deh social." Mary goes "Yeah, s'pose you're righ' ".
>
>Mary an' Joe haven't goh a fookin' bean so they have to ponse a donkey,
an'
>go dowwen te Behlehem on dah. Dey get to dis boozer an' Mary wants to
stop,
>yeah? To have her yungfelleh an' all dah.
>
>But there's no fookin' no roohem at the inn, righ'? So Mary an' Joe
break
>an' into this garridge, only it's filled wih animals. Cowis an' sheep
an'
>all dah.
>
>Then these three lads tourn up, lookin bleedin' rapih, wih crowens on
der
>heads an' all dah'. They're like "Ah Jaysis, howeyeh!" an' say dey're
deh
>tree wise men from de East Wall.
>
>Joe goes: 'If you're so bleedin wiyis, wha de fook are yizzer doin' wih
dis
>Frankenstein an' myrrh? Why didn't yeh just bring gold, 20 Blue and
>Boorberry?'
>
>It's all about to kick off when Gabriel turns up again an' sez he's got

>anudder message bout some Punchis Pilah' hardchaw.
>
>He's like 'Deh coppers is comin an' they're killin all de chisslers.
You
>better fook off to Egypt.' Joe goes 'You must be fookin' off yer
bleedin'
>rocker if yeh tink I'm goin' te fookin' Egypton a fookin' donkey'
>Gabriel sez 'Suit yerself, bud. But it's your look out if yeh stay.' So

>they go dowwen teh Egypt till they've stopped killin deh foorst-born
an'
>all an' annyways it's safe an' dah.
>
>Then Joe and Mary and Jeesis go back to Nazareh, an' Jeesis turns water

>inteh Dutch Gold.

[ziggysego]

The year is 2222 and after accumulating enough frequent flier miles, Mike and Maureen land on Mars. They meet a Martian couple and are talking about all sorts of things. Mike asks if Mars has a stock market, if they have laptop computers, how they make money, etc.

Finally, Maureen brings up the subject of sex. "Just how do you guys do it?"
asks Maureen. "Pretty much the way you do," responds the Martian.

Discussion ensues and finally the couples decide to swap partners for the night and experience one another. Maureen and the male Martian go off to a bedroom where the Martian strips.

He's got only a teeny, weenie willy - about half an inch long and just quarter inch thick. "I don't think this is going to work," says Maureen. "Why?" he asks, "What's the matter?"

Well," she replies, "It's just not long enough to reach me!"

"No problem," he says, and proceeds to slap his forehead with his palm.
With each slap of his forehead, his member grows until it's quite impressively long.

"Well," she says, "That's quite impressive, but it looks like a long pencil, it's still pretty narrow..."

"No problem," he says, and starts pulling his ears. With each pull, his member grows wider and wider until the entire measurement is extremely exciting to the woman.

"Wow!" she exclaims, as they fall into bed and make mad, passionate love.

The next day the couples rejoin their normal partners and go their separate ways. As they walk along, Mike asks, "Well, was it any good?"

"I hate to say it," says Maureen, "but it was damn good. How about you?"

"It was horrible," he replies. "All I got was a headache. She kept slapping my forehead and pulling my ears."

[offtheground]

A man with a bald head and a wooden leg
is invited to a fancy dress party.
He doesn't know what to wear to hide his head and his wooden leg
so he writes to a fancy dress company to explain his problem.

A few days later he receives a parcel with a note:

"Dear Sir,

Please find enclosed a pirate's outfit.
The spotted handkerchief will cover your bald head
and with your wooden leg you will be just right as
a pirate."

The man thinks this is terrible, because they emphasized his disability,
so he writes a letter of complaint.

A week passes and he receives another parcel:

"Dear Sir,

Sorry about the previous parcel.
Please find a monk's habit.
The long robe will cover your wooden leg
and with your bald head you will really look the part."

The man is extremely furious now,
because the company has gone from emphasizing his wooden leg
to drawing attention to his bald head.
So he writes a really rude letter of complaint.

A few days later, he gets a very small parcel from the company with an
accompanying letter:

"Dear Sir,

Please find enclosed a tin of Golden Syrup.
Pour the tin of Golden Syrup over your bald head,
stick your wooden leg up your arse and go as
f***ing toffee apple!

[offtheground]

A highly successful Human Resources Manager was tragically knocked down by a bus and was killed. Her soul arrived at the Pearly Gates, where St. Peter welcomed her. Before you get settled in," he said, "We have a little problem...you see, we've never had a Human Resources Manager make it this far before and we're not really sure what to do with you." 

"Oh, I see," said the woman. "Can't you just let me in?" "Well, I'd like to," said St Peter. "But I have higher orders. We're instructed to let you have a day in hell and a day in heaven, and then you are to choose where you'd like to go for all eternity." Actually, I think I'd prefer heaven", said the woman. "Sorry, we have rules..." at which St. Peter put the HR Manager into the downward bound elevator. 

As the doors opened in hell she stepped out onto a beautiful golf course. in the distance was a country club, around her were many friends... past fellow executives, all smartly dressed, happy, and cheering for her.
They ran up and kissed her on both cheeks, and they talked about old times. 

They played a perfect round of golf and afterwards went to the country club where she enjoyed a superb steak and lobster dinner. She met the Devil (who was actually rather nice) and she had a wonderful night telling jokes and dancing. Before she knew it, it was time to leave. Everyone shook her hand and waved goodbye as she stepped into the elevator. The elevator went back up to heaven where St. Peter was waiting for her. 

"Now it's time to spend a day in heaven," he said. 

So she spent the next 24 hours lounging around on clouds, playing the harp and singing... which was almost as enjoyable as her day in hell. At the day's end St Peter returned.
"So," he said, "You've spent a day in hell and you've spent a day in heaven". "You must choose between the two." The woman thought for a second and replied, "Well, heaven is certainly lovely, but I actually had a better time in hell". "I choose hell." Accordingly, St. Peter took her to the elevator again and she went back down to hell. when the doors of the elevator opened she found herself standing in a desolate wasteland covered in garbage and filth. She saw her friends dressed in rags, picking up rubbish and putting it in old sacks.
The Devil approached and put his arm around her.
"I don't understand," stuttered the HR Manager, "Yesterday I was here, and there was a golf course, and a country club. We ate lobster, and we danced and had a wonderful happy time. Now all there is, is just a dirty wasteland of garbage and all my friends look miserable."
The Devil simply looked at her and smiled. 

"Yesterday we were recruiting you, today you're staff."

[gerrykeegan]

Bought the wife's Christmas presents. Black boots, small red dress, fishnet tights and a one way ticket to Ipswich.

[ziggysego]

Bought the wife's Christmas presents. Black boots, small red dress, fishnet tights and a one way ticket to Ipswich.

Don't know whether to be disgusted or laugh at that one! lol

[guy crouchback]

Colemanballs
Note of explanation for readers : David Coleman is a sports commentator famed for his verbal slips. The magazine 'Private Eye' started a 'Colemanballs' section, which has extended to cover all commentators, and has spawned a series of books.

"I've told the players we need to win so that I can have the cash to buy some new ones"
Chris Turner, Peterborough manager, before LCQF, 1992

"Tell the Kraut to get his ass up front. We don't pay a million for a guy to hang around in defence."
NY Cosmos executive, on Beckenbauer's positioning

"I spent a lot of my money on booze, birds and fast cars. The rest I just squandered"
George Best.

"If we played like that every week we wouldn't be so inconsistent"
Bryan Robson, Man U, 1990.

"That's great, tell him he's Pele and get him back on."
John Lambie, Partick Thistle manager, when told a concussed striker did not know who he was.

"Fulham Football Club seeks a Manager / Genius."
Newspaper ad, 1991.

"Ardiles strokes the ball like it was part of his anatomy."
Jimmy Magee, RTE WC commentator.

"We didn't underestimate them. They were a lot better than we thought."
Bobby Robson after England nearly lost to Cameroon, WC 1990.

"We'll still be happy if we lose. It's on at the same time as the Beer Festival."
Niall O'Mahoney, Cork City manager before UEFA Cup game v Bayern Munich.

"It's hard to be passionate twice a week."
George Graham on Arsenal's punishing schedule, 1991.

"The new West Stand casts a giant shadow over the entire pitch, even on a sunny day."
CHRIS JONES, Evening Standard

"What will you do when you leave football, Jack -- will you stay in football?"
STUART HALL, Radio 5 Live

"Unfortunately, we keep kicking ourselves in the foot."
RAY WILKINS, speaking on BBC1

"I've got a gut feeling in my stomach..."
ALAN SUGAR, speaking on BBC1

"I would not say he (David Ginola) is the best left winger in the Premiership, but there are none better."
RON AKTINSON in a TV interview

"Johnson has revelled in the 'hole' behind Dwight Yorke..."
Carling FA Premiership WWW Page

"An inch or two either side of the post and that would have been a goal."
DAVE BASSETT, speaking on Sky Sports

"Both sides have scored a couple of goals, and both sides have conceded a couple of goals."
PETER WITHE, speaking on Radio 5 Live

"You don't score 64 goals in 86 games at the highest level without being able to score goals."
ALAN GREEN, speaking on Radio 5 Live

"What's it like being in Bethlehem, the place where Christmas began? I suppose it's like seeing Ian Wright at Arsenal...."
SIMON FANSHAWE, speaking on Talk Radio

"And we all know that in football if you stand still you go backwards..."
PETER REID, Tyne Tees Sport Special

"I was saying the other day, how often the most vulnerable area for goalies is between their legs..."
ANDY GRAY, Sky Sports

"The lad got over-excited when he saw the whites of the goalpost's eyes."
STEVE COPPELL, Radio 5 Live

"They (Rosenborg) have won 66 games, and they've scored in all of them."
BRIAN MOORE, ITV

"If you can't stand the heat in the dressing-room, get out of the kitchen."
TERRY VENABLES, Capital Gold

"The lads really ran their socks into the ground."
ALEX FERGUSON

"He (Brian Laudrup) wasn't just facing one defender -- he was facing one at the front and one at the back as well."
TREVOR STEVEN, STV

"It's now 1-1, an exact reversal of the score on Saturday."
Radio 5 Live

"...but Arsenal are quick to credit Bergkamp with laying on 75% of their nine goals."
TONY GUBBA, BBC Match of the Day

"...an excellent player, but he (Ian Wright) does have a black side."
GARY LINEKER, BBC

"We say 'educated left foot'... of course, there are many players with educated right foots."
RON JONES, Radio 5 Live

"That's twice now he (Terry Phelan) has got between himself and the goal."
BRIAN MARWOOD, Radio 5 Live

"Mark Hughes at his very best: he loves to feel people right behind him..."
KEVIN KEEGAN

"Football today, it's like a game of chess. It's all about money."
NEWCASTLE UNITED FAN, Radio 5 Live

Gary always weighed up his options, especially when he had no choice."
KEVIN KEEGAN, Radio 5 Live

"We threw our dice into the ring and turned up trumps."
BRUCE RIOCH, ITV

"And I suppose they (Spurs) are nearer to being out of the FA Cup now than any other time since the first half of this season, when they weren't ever in it anyway."
JOHN MOTSON, BBC

"... and he crosses the line with the ball almost mesmerically tied
to his foot with a ball of string..."
IAN DARKE, Radio 5

"I never make predictions and I never will."
PAUL GASCOIGNE

"And there's Ray Clemence looking as cool as ever out in the cold."
JIMMY HILL

"....and the news from Guadalajara where the temperature is 96 degrees, is that Falcao is warming up."
BRIAN MOORE

"If history is going to repeat itself I should think we can expect the same thing again."
TERRY VENABLES

"I'm not a believer in luck..... but I do believe you need it."
ALAN BALL

"The Uruguayans are losing no time in making a meal around the referee."
MIKE INGHAM

"I think that was a moment of cool panic there."
RON ATKINSON

"Beckenbauer really has gambled all his eggs."
RON ATKINSON

"Celtic manager Davie Hay still has a fresh pair of legs up his sleeve."
JOHN GREIG

"I spent four indifferent years at Goodison Park, but they were great years."
MARTIN HODGE

"Souness gave Fleck a second chance and he grabbed it with both feet."
JAMES SANDERSON

"They have missed so many chances they must be wringing their heads in shame."
RON GREENWOOD

"It's headed away by John Clark, using his head."
DEREK RAE

"Tottenham are trying tonight to become the first London team to win this Cup. The last team to do so was the 1973 Spurs side."
MIKE INGHAM

"He's very fast and if he gets a yard ahead of himself nobody will catch him."
BOBBY ROBSON

"The shot from Laws was precise but wide."
ALAN PARRY

"The game is balanced in Arsenal's favour."
JOHN MOTSON

"Merseyside derbies usually last 90 minutes and I'm sure today's won't be any different."
TREVOR BROOKING

"Many clubs have a question mark in the shape of an axe-head hanging over them."
MALCOLM McDONALD

"Tottenham have impressed me. They haven't thrown in the towel even though they have been under the gun."
BOBBY CHARLTON

You have got to miss them to score sometimes."
DAVE BASSETT

"Dumbarton player Steve McCahill has limped off with a badly cut forehead."
TOM FERRIE

"A contract on a piece of paper, saying you want to leave, is like a piece of paper saying you want to leave."
JOHN HOLLINS

"And I honestly believe we can go all the way to Wembley......unless somebody knocks us out."
DAVE BASSETT

"It was that game that put the Everton ship back on the road."
ALAN GREEN

"And Arsenal now have plenty of time to dictate the last few seconds."
PETER JONES

"Bobby Robson must be thinking of throwing some fresh legs on."
KEVIN KEEGAN

"What makes this game so delightful is that when both teams get the ball they are attacking their opponents goal."
JIMMY HILL

"Celtic were at one time nine points ahead, but somewhere along the road, their ship went off the rails."
RICHARD PARK

"That's football, Mike, Northern Ireland have had several chances and haven't scored but England have had no chances and scored twice."
TREVOR BROOKING

"...and so they have not been able to improve their 100% record."
SPORTS ROUNDUP

"In terms of the Richter Scale this defeat was a force eight gale."
JOHN LYALL

"In comparison, there's no comparison."
RON GREENWOOD

"I would also think that the action replay showed it to be worse than it actually was."
RON ATKINSON

"Mirandinha will have more shots this afternoon than both sides put together."
MALCOLM McDONALD

"Newcastle, of course, unbeaten in their last five wins."
BRIAN MOORE

"Football's not like an electric light. You can't just flick the switch and change from quick to slow."
JOHN GREIG

"Certain people are for me and certain people are pro me."
TERRY VENABLES

"I'm going to make a prediction - it could go either way."
RON ATKINSON

"And with 4 minutes gone, the score is already 0-0."
IAN DARK

"They have got their feet on the ground and if they stay that way they will go places."
JOHN GIDMAN

"Being naturally right-footed he doesn't often chance his arm with his left foot."
TREVOR BROOKING

"Strangely, in slow motion replay, the ball seemed to hang in the air for even longer."
DAVID ACFIELD

"What I said to them at half time would be unprintable on the radio"
Gerry Francis

"If we played like this every week, we wouldn't be so inconsistant"
Bryan Robson (1990)

"John Harkes going to Sheffield, Wednesday."
New York Post (1993)

"If there weren't such a thing as football, we'd all be frustrated footballers."
Mick Lyons

"He's one of those footballers whose brains are in his head"
Derek Johnstone - BBC TV Scotland (1994)

"The crowd think that Todd handled the ball.... they must have seen something that nobody else did"
Barry Davies (1975)

"I can see the carrot at the end of the tunnel"
Stuart Pearce (1992)

"They compare Steve McManaman to Steve Highway and he's nothing like him, but I can see why - it's because he's a bit different"
Kevin Keegan

"Glen Hoddle hasn't been the Hoddle we know. Neither has Bryan Robson"
Ron Greenwood

"There's no way Ryan Giggs is another George Best. He's another Ryan Giggs"
Denis Law

"The only thing I have in common with George Best is that we come from the same place..play for the same club..and were discovered by the same man"
Norman Whiteside

"I never comment on referees and I'm not going to break the habit of a lifetime for that prat"
Ron Atkinson (1979)

"For those of you watching in black and white, Spurs are in the all-yellow strip"
John Motson - BBC TV

"I don't think there is anybody bigger or smaller than Maradona"
Kevin Keegan

Jimmy Hill: "Don't sit on the fence Terry, what chance do you think Germany has got of getting through?"
Terry Venables: "I think it's fifty - fifty"

"And he's got the icepack on his groin there, so possibly not the old shoulder injury"
Ray French - Sky TV Rugby

"Ah! isn't that nice, the wife of the Cambridge president is kissing the cox of the Oxford crew"

"What a man, what a lift, what a jerk"
Jimmy McGee on weight lifting in olympics (jerk being a movement in
weight lifting)

"Watch her spread her legs and show her class"
Jimmy McGee on the last 300 metres of a long distance final
(Olympics).

"This is really a lovely horse, I once rode her mother"
Ted Walsh (Horse Racing Comment

[Homer]

Don't read if your gonna be offended now

Whats the difference between Mr Kipling and the Ipswich murderer,
Mr Kipling put 6 tarts in a box

i warned ya

[5 Sams]

family fortunes answers
An instrument you can play while walking in the street: "A cello.."
A type of oil: "Sewing-machine oil.."
A word beginning with Z: "Xylophone.."
A slang word for a girl: "Slag.."
An animal with horns: "A bee..."
A medieval weapon: "Hand-grenade.."
Something made of wool: "A sheep.."
Something a bridegroom might wear: "A dress.."
Someone you wouldn't expect to see in a strip club: "Animals.."
An animal with a long tail: "A rabbit.."
Something a train-spotter would have in his pocket: "A magnifying glass.."
Something you put out for the birds: "Worms.."
A way to prevent snoring: "Put a pillow over his face.."
A word used to describe a very hot day: "A very hot day.."
A song from 'The Sound Of Music': "Dancing Queen.."
(Also from the same family: "I wake up each morning..", "The skies are blue..", and "Over the hills and far away..")
Someone who works early hours: "A burglar.."
Something made to be wheeled around: "A hammer.."
A reason for kneeling: "To be beheaded.."
A nickname for a slim person: "Slimmy.."
A measurement of liquid: "Paint.."
Something that's nice to wear next to your skin: "Pants.."
A famous Dick: "Carrot.."
A wild animal that's native to Britain: "A bear.."
Something that Father Christmas does when he comes to your house: "Feeds your pets.."
Something that comes in 7's: "Fingers.."
A vocalist known by only one name: "Michael Jackson.."
A yellow fruit: "Orange.."
An animal beginning with B: "Bullfrog.."
Something associated with Liverpool: "The Yellow Brick Road.."
A boy mentioned in a nursery rhyme: "Little Red Riding Hood.."
Something associated with Queen Victoria: "Her husbands.."
Something you hide in your socks when you go swimming: "Your legs.."
A place you would keep a pen: "A zoo.."
Something you beat: "An apple.."
Something associated with rain: "Water.."
An animal that lives in the English countryside: "A lion.."
Something you make into a ball: "Eggs.."
A game that uses a black ball: "Darts.."
A popular TV soap: "Dove.."
Other than 'carrier', a type of bag: "Horse.."
Something you might find in a garage: "a grand piano.."
Something a Frenchman would say Answer: "On Garde.."
A fast animal: "A hippo.."
Something you keep in the garden: "A cat.."
Something that gives you goosebumps: "Mumps.."
A character from Little Red Riding Hood: "Hansel and Gretel.."
Something that has a shell: "Batman.."
Any dance apart from the waltz: "The ball dance.."
Something a policeman might say: "Spread 'em.."
Something that frightens Dracula: "The King of the Vampires.."
A non-living object with legs: "A plant.."
A sign of the Zodiac: "April.."
An animal associated with a nursery rhyme: "Andy Pandy.."
A mode of transport that you can walk in: "Your shoes.."
An animal with big ears: "A bear.."
Something you do on water: "Wallpaper.."
A musical instrument you can play in the bath: "A drum kit.."
Something associated with Egypt: "Cigars.."
A part of your body you only have one of: "Your big toe.."
Something you pull: "A potato.."
An animal used as a form of transport: "A turtle.."
A famous Phil or Philip: "Phil Johnson.."
A habit people try to give up: "Spitting.."
A Thunderbirds character: "Doctor Spock.."
Another TV gameshow with the word 'family' in the title: "The Generation Game.."
A seaside resort on the south coast: " Rio de Janeiro.."
Something you open other than a door: "Your bowels.."
Something with a red light on it: "a Dalek.."
Something that makes you scream: "A squirrel.."
A food than can easily be eaten without chewing: "Chips.."
A type of record: "A floppy disk.."
A type of large cat: "Persian.."
A job that a working dog does: "A slave.."
Something people might be allergic to: "Skiing.."
An occupation where you need a torch: "A burglar.."
A well known superstition: "Running in front of a car.."
Something you use a microchip in: "A fish-fryer.."
A dangerous race: "The Arabs.."
A game played in the dark: "Charades.."
Some famous brothers: "Bonnie and Clyde.."
A jacket potato topping: "Jam.."
A part of the body you have more than two of: "Arms.."
Something you find on a fire engine: "Coal.."
A famous royal: "Mail.."
Something you do before going to bed: "Sleep.."
An item of clothing worn by the Three Muskateers: "A horse.."
An animal you see at the zoo: "Dog.."
Something you might do in a power cut: "Read a book.."
A famous Parisian landmark: "Hawaii.."
One of Harry Enfield's characters: "Sooty.."
A famous Irishman: "Disraeli.."
The first place detectives look for fingerprints: "The floor.."
Something you associate with the sea: "A coffin.."
A famous Arthur: "Shakespeare.."
A type of cut: "Skull.."
A weapon in the game of Cluedo: "Dice.."
Something people take to the beach: "Turkey.."
A reason someone digs a hole in the road: "Grave digger.."
An ingredient in chicken stuffing: "Chicken.."
Something a girl should know about a man before marrying him: "His name.."
A bird with a long neck: "A blackbird.."
A bird with a long neck (2): "Naomi Campbell.."
An item of clothing a woman might borrow from a man: "Underpants.."
Something taken from a hotel as a souvenir: "The lamps.."
Something you keep in a garden shed: "A gardener.."
A song with moon in the title: "Blue Suede Moon.."
A famous cowboy: "Buck Rogers.."
A famous Wild-West character: "Wild Bill Eacock.."
Something you'd associate with the three bears: "Red Riding Hood.."
Fruit used in fruit salad: "Cucumber.."
Something you wear on the beach: "A deckchair.."
A method of cooking fish: "Cod.."
Something you borrow from your partner: "Shoes.."
A part of the body beginning with N: "Knee.."
A famous Scotsman: "Vinnie Jones.."
A famous Scotsman (2): "Jock.."
Something red: "My cardigan.."
A kind of ache: "Fillet-o-fish.."
Something you open other than a door: "Your bowels.."
Something with a hole in it: "A window.."
Something you do in the bathroom: "Decorate.."
Something you put on walls: "Roofs.."
A domestic animal: "A leopard.."
Something that floats in the bath: "Water.."
Something in the garden that's green: "The shed.."
Something a blind man might use: "A sword.."
The last thing you take off before going to bed: "Your feet.."
Something that flies without an engine: "A bicycle with wings.."