Corny One for Friday

Puckoon · October 22, 2007, 09:30:42 PM

Subject: FW: FW: Aussie Radio quiz

Please read this all the way through !

This got Sydney laughing. Read it and you'll see why!

Just imagine sitting in traffic on your way to work and hearing this.

Many Sydney folks DID hear this on the FOX FM morning show in Sydney.

The DJs play a game where they award winners great prizes.

The game is called "Mate Match". The DJs call someone at work and ask

if they are married or seriously involved with someone. If the

contestant answers "yes", he or she is then asked 3 random yet highly

personal questions.

The person is also asked to divulge the name of their partner with

(phone

number)

for verification. If their partner answers those same three questions

correctly, they both win the prize.

One particular game, however, several months ago made the Harbour City

drop to its knees with laughter and is possibly the funniest thing

you've heard yet.

Anyway, here's how it all went down:

DJ: "Hey! This is Ed on FOX-FM. Have you ever heard of 'Mate Match'?"

Contestant: (laughing) "Yes, I have."

DJ: "Great! Then you know we're giving away a trip to the Gold Coast if

you win.

What is your name? First only please."

Contestant: "Brian."

DJ: "Brian, are you married or what?"

Brian: (laughing nervously) "Yes, I am married."

DJ: "Thank you. Now, what is your wife's name? First only please."

Brian: "Sara."

DJ: "Is Sara at work, Brian?"

Brian: "She is gonna kill me."

DJ: "Stay with me here, Brian! Is she at work?"

Brian: (laughing) "Yes, she's at work."

DJ: "Okay, first question - when was the last time you had sex?"

Brian: "About 8 o'clock this morning."

DJ: "Atta boy, Brian."

Brian: (laughing sheepishly) "Well..."

DJ: "Question #2 - How long did it last?"

Brian: "About 10 minutes."

DJ: "Wow! You really want that trip, huh? No one would ever have said

that if a trip wasn't at stake."

Brian: "Yeah, that trip sure would be nice."

DJ: "Okay. Final question. Where did you have sex at 8 o'clock this

morning?

Brian: (laughing hard) "I, ummm, I, well..."

DJ: "This sounds good, Brian. Where was it at?"

Brian: "Not that it was all that great, but her mum is staying with us

for a couple of weeks..."

DJ: "Uh huh..."

Brian: "...and the Mother-In-Law was in the shower at the time."

DJ: "Atta boy, Brian."

Brian: "On the kitchen table."

DJ: "Not that great?? That is more adventure than the previous hundred

times I've done it.

Okay folks, I will put Brian on hold, get this wife's work number and

call her up.

You listen to this."

[ 3 minutes of commercials follow. ]

DJ: "Okay audience; let's call Sarah, shall we?" (Touch

tones.....ringing....)

Clerk: "Kinkos."

DJ: "Hey, is Sarah around there somewhere?"

Clerk: "This is she."

DJ: "Sarah, this is Ed with FOX-FM. We are live on the air right now

and I've been talking with Brian for a couple of hours now."

Sarah: (laughing) "A couple of hours?"

DJ: "Well, a while now. He is on the line with us. Brian knows not to

give any\answers away or you'll lose. Sooooooo... do you know the

rules of 'Mate Match'?"

Sarah: "No."

DJ: "Good!"

Brian: (laughing)

Sarah: (laughing) "Brian, what the hell are you up to?"

Brian: (laughing) "Just answer his questions honestly, okay? Be

completely honest."

DJ: "Yeah yeah yeah. Sure. Now, I will ask you 3 questions, Sarah.

If your answers match Brian's answers, then the both of you will be

off to the Gold Coast for 5 days on us.

Sarah: (laughing) "Yes."

DJ: "Alright. When did you last have sex, Sarah?"

Sarah: "Oh God, Brian....uh, this morning before Brian went to work."

DJ: "What time?"

Sarah: "Around 8 this morning."

DJ: "Very good. Next question. How long did it last?"

Sarah: "12, 15 minutes maybe."

DJ: "Hmmmm. That's close enough. I am sure she is trying to protect his

manhood.

We've got one last question, Sarah. You are one question away from a

trip to the Gold Coast. Are you ready?"

Sarah: (laughing) "Yes."

DJ: "Where did you have it?"

Sarah: "OH MY GOD, BRIAN!! You didn't tell them that did you?"

Brian: "Just tell him, honey."

DJ: "What is bothering you so much, Sarah?"

Sarah: "Well..."

DJ: Come on Sarah.....where did you have it?

Sarah: "Up the arse....."

After a long pause, the DJ said, "Folks, we need to take a station

break"

And the drivers of Sydney almost crashed their cars laughing!

The Real Laoislad · October 22, 2007, 09:33:39 PM

That story is as auld as the hills Puckoon

Puckoon · October 22, 2007, 09:34:36 PM

Im obviously only a youngster $:-\$ . Got it in an email today and found it pretty funny, old or not!

armaghniac · October 22, 2007, 11:39:12 PM

Please read all the old stuff first, before posting a new one.

http://p098.ezboard.com/fgaadiscussionboardfrm11.showMessageRange?topicID=361.topic&start=1&stop=20

The funniest one here is some joker with a signature saying that Tyrone would retain Sam in 2006! (sorry Ziggy)

ziggysego · October 23, 2007, 01:56:56 AM

Shut up!

lol

stpauls · October 23, 2007, 04:02:56 PM

this has probably been posted before but found it very funny, and true!!

THE FIVE MINUTE MANAGEMENT COURSE -

Lesson 1:
A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob , the next-door neighbour. Before she says a word, Bob says, "I'll give you £800 to drop that towel."

After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob. After a few seconds, Bob hands her £800 and leaves.

The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs. When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, "Who was that?"

"It was Bob the next door neighbour," she replies.

"Great," the husband says, "did he say anything about the £800 he owes me?"

Moral of the story:
If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.

Lesson 2:
A priest offered a Nun a lift. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg . The priest nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.

The nun said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?" The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again. The nun once again said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?"

The priest apologized "Sorry, sister, but the flesh is weak."

Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily and went on her way.

On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129.

It said, "Go forth and seek, further up you will find glory."

Moral of the story:
If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity.

Lesson 3:
A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out.

The Genie says, "I'll give each of you just one wish."

"Me first! Me first!" says the admin clerk. "I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world."

Puff! She's gone.

"Me next! Me next!" says the sales rep. "I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life."

Puff! He's gone.

"OK, you're up," the Genie says to the manager.

The manager says, "I want those two back in the office after lunch."

Moral of the story:
Always let your boss have the first say.

Lesson 4
An eagle was sitting on a tree, resting, doing nothing. A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do nothing?"

The eagle answered: "Sure, why not."

So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested.

All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

Moral of the story:
To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.

Lesson 5
A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree," sighed the turkey, "but I haven't got the energy."

"Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the bull. "They're packed with nutrients."

The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree.

He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.

Moral of the story:
Bullshit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.

Lesson 6
A little bird was flying south for the Winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field. While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him.

As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was. The dung was actually thawing him out! He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy.

A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate. Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.

Morals of the story:
(1) Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy.
(2) Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend.
(3) And when you're in deep shit, it's best to keep your mouth shut!

THIS ENDS THE FIVE MINUTE MANAGEMENT COURSE

EC Unique · October 24, 2007, 04:15:34 PM

Subject: slow down or stop
>>
>>
>> A London lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by an Irish Garda.
>> He thinks that he is smarter than the cop because he is a London
>> lawyer, from London, and is certain that he has a better education than
>> any paddy cop. He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at
>> the Garda's expense!!
>>
>> The Garda says," Licence and registration, please."
>>
>> London Lawyer says, "What for?"
>>
>> Garda replies, "You didn't come to a complete stop at the Stop
>> sign."
>>
>> Lawyer says, "I slowed down, and no one was coming."
>>
>> Garda says, "You still didn't come to a complete stop. Licence and
>> registration, please."
>>
>> Lawyer says, "What's the difference?"
>>
>> Garda says, "The difference is, you have to come to complete
>> stop, that's the law. Licence and registration, please!"
>>
>> Lawyer says, "If you can show me the legal difference between "slow
>> down" and "stop", I'll give you my licence and registration and you give
>> me
>> the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the
>> ticket."
>>
>> Garda says, "Sounds fair. Exit your vehicle, sir."
>>
>> The lawyer gets out of his car, whereupon the Guard takes out his baton
>> and starts beating the f*ck out of him with it.
>>
>> He then says, "Do you want me to stop, or just slow down, sir?"

Candyman · October 24, 2007, 04:20:11 PM

posted before...

armaghniac · October 24, 2007, 04:21:26 PM

Quoteposted before... Roll Eyes

twice before , I think

Orior · October 25, 2007, 12:12:49 AM

I have 2 dogs & I was buying a large bag of Winalot in Tesco and was
standing in the queue at the till. A woman behind me asked if I had a dog.
On impulse, I told her that no, I was starting The Winalot Diet again,
although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital
last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive
care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both
arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and the way that it works
is to load your trouser pockets with Winalot nuggets and simply eat one or
two every time you feel hungry & that the food is nutritionally complete so
I was going to try it again.

I have to mention here that practically everyone in the queue was by now
enthralled with my story, particularly a guy who was behind her.

Horrified, she asked if I'd ended up in the hospital in that condition
because I had been poisoned. I told her no, it was because I'd been sitting
in the road licking my balls and a car hit me.

Declan · October 25, 2007, 10:45:18 AM

FAI recruiting methods

John Delaney sees an old woman crossing the road, struggling with two heavy shopping bags.

He shouts over "Can you manage, love?"

She replies "F**k off, I don't want the job!"

illdecide · October 25, 2007, 12:16:16 PM

Subject: THE VIBRATOR!

AS A WOMAN PASSES HER DAUGHTER'S CLOSED BEDROOM DOOR, SHE HEARD A STRANGE BUZZING NOISE COMING FROM WITHIN.
OPENING THE DOOR, SHE OBSERVED HER DAUGHTER GIVING HERSELF A REAL WORKOUT WITH A VIBRATOR. SHOCKED, SHE ASKED: 'WHAT IN THE WORLD ARE YOU DOING?'

THE DAUGHTER REPLIED: 'MOM, I'M THIRTY-FIVE YEARS OLD,UNMARRIED, AND THIS THING IS ABOUT AS CLOSE AS I'LL EVER GET TO A HUSBAND. PLEASE, GO AWAY AND LEAVE ME ALONE.'

THE NEXT DAY, THE GIRL'S FATHER HEARD THE SAME BUZZ COMING FROM THE OTHER SIDE OF THE CLOSED BEDROOM DOOR. UPON ENTERING THE ROOM, HE OBSERVED HIS DAUGHTER MAKING PASSIONATE LOVE TO HER VIBRATOR.
TO HIS QUERY AS TO WHAT SHE WAS DOING, THE DAUGHTER SAID: 'DAD I'M THIRTY-FIVE, UNMARRIED, AND THIS THING IS ABOUT AS CLOSE AS I'LL EVER GET TO A HUSBAND. PLEASE, GO AWAY AND LEAVE ME ALONE.'

A COUPLE DAYS LATER, THE WIFE CAME HOME FROM A SHOPPING TRIP, PLACED THE GROCERIES ON THE KITCHEN COUNTER, AND HEARD THAT BUZZING NOISE COMING FROM, OF ALL PLACES, THE LIVING ROOM. SHE ENTERED THAT AREA AND OBSERVED HER HUSBAND SITTING ON THE COUCH, DOWNING A COLD BEER, AND STARING AT THE TV. THE VIBRATOR WAS NEXT TO HIM ON THE COUCH, BUZZING LIKE CRAZY.

THE WIFE ASKED: 'WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?' THE HUSBAND REPLIED: 'I'M WATCHIN RUGBY WITH MY SON-IN-LAW.

ziggysego · October 25, 2007, 12:19:30 PM

It has been brought to our attention that certain individuals
throughout the company have been using foul language during the course
of normal conversation with their co-workers.

Due to complaints received from some employees who may be easily
offended, this type of language will no longer be tolerated. We do
however; realize the critical importance of being able to accurately
express your feelings when communicating with co-workers.

Therefore, a list of 18 New and Innovative "TRY SAYING" phrases have
been attached below so that the proper exchange of ideas and information can
continue in an effective manner.

1) TRY SAYING: I think you could use more training.
INSTEAD OF: You don't know what the f___ you're doing.

2) TRY SAYING: She's an aggressive go-getter.
INSTEAD OF: She's a f____ing bit__.

3) TRY SAYING: Perhaps I can work late.
INSTEAD OF: And when the f___ do you expect me to do this?

4) TRY SAYING: I'm certain that isn't feasible.
INSTEAD OF: No f______ing way.

5) TRY SAYING: Really?
INSTEAD OF: You've got to be sh__ing me!

6) TRY SAYING: Perhaps you should check with...
INSTEAD OF: Tell someone who gives a sh__.

7) TRY SAYING: I wasn't involved in the project.
INSTEAD OF: It's not my f______ problem.

TRY SAYING: That's interesting.
INSTEAD OF: What the f___?

9) TRY SAYING: I'm not sure this can be implemented.
INSTEAD OF: This sh__ won't work.

10) TRY SAYING: I'll try to fit that into my schedule, although it's a bit full.
INSTEAD OF: Why the f __ didn't you tell me sooner?

11) TRY SAYING: He's not familiar with the issues.
INSTEAD OF: He's got his head up his a__.

12) TRY SAYING: Excuse me?
INSTEAD OF: Eat sh__ and die.

13) TRY SAYING: So you weren't happy with it?
INSTEAD OF: Kiss my a__.

14) TRY SAYING: I'm a bit overloaded at the moment.
INSTEAD OF: F___ it, I'm on salary.

15) TRY SAYING: I don't think you understand.
INSTEAD OF: Shove it up your a__.

16) TRY SAYING: I love a challenge.
INSTEAD OF: This job f___ing sucks.

17) TRY SAYING: You want me to take care of that?
INSTEAD OF: Who the f___ died and made you boss?

18 ) TRY SAYING: He's somewhat insensitive.
INSTEAD OF: He's a pr_ck.

Thank You,
Human Resources Department

downredblack · October 25, 2007, 12:25:11 PM

Did any of you horn dogs see the "Kerry Katona" Vid clip doing the rounds on the mobiles ? Is it her or not ? ( I didn't want to start a new thread for this )

stpauls · October 25, 2007, 12:29:05 PM

Quote from: downredblack on October 25, 2007, 12:25:11 PM
Did any of you horn dogs see the "Kerry Katona" Vid clip doing the rounds on the mobiles ? Is it her or not ? ( I didn't want to start a new thread for this )

i assume that's the one where she is meant to be masturbating in the bathroom? i haven't seen it myself, but apparently it is not her!