Corny One for Friday

Started by 5 Sams, November 10, 2006, 11:22:24 AM

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Puckoon

So The Beach Boys Walk into a bar...

Round?
A round?
Get a round?

I'll get a round.

Yea? Get a round?
A round?
Round?
Ill get a round..

Hardy

Jay Fullmer, 38, last month became the first American to get to grips with the concept of irony.

"It was weird" Fullmer said. "I was in London and like, talking to this guy and it was raining
and he pulled a face and said, "Great weather eh?" and I thought - "Wait a minute, no way
is it great weather".

Fullmer then realised that the other man's 'mistake' was in fact deliberate.

Fullmer, who is 39 next month and married with two children, aged 8 and 3, plans to use
irony himself in the future.

"I've tried it already" he said. "Last weekend I was grilling steaks and I burned them and
I said "Hey, great weather."

laoislad

My girlfriend tried to make me have sex with her on her Honda Civic.
I said no,because if I'm gonna have sex, it's going to be on my own Accord.
When you think you're fucked you're only about 40% fucked.

armaghniac

Quote from: laoislad on January 30, 2018, 07:15:39 PM
My girlfriend tried to make me have sex with her on her Honda Civic.
I said no,because if I'm gonna have sex, it's going to be on my own Accord.

Likely a Prelude to some racy activity.
If at first you don't succeed, then goto Plan B

PW Nally

Quote from: armaghniac on January 31, 2018, 10:02:21 PM
Quote from: laoislad on January 30, 2018, 07:15:39 PM
My girlfriend tried to make me have sex with her on her Honda Civic.
I said no,because if I'm gonna have sex, it's going to be on my own Accord.

Likely a Prelude to some racy activity.
Did she rev him up to 50?

gawa316

Quote from: laoislad on January 30, 2018, 07:15:39 PM
My girlfriend tried to make me have sex with her on her Honda Civic.
I said no,because if I'm gonna have sex, it's going to be on my own Accord.

Any Insight to whether this doll was Fit or not!

Orior

Cover me in chocolate and feed me to the lesbians

Orior

A woman is sitting at her deceased husband's funeral. A man leans in to her and asks, "Do you mind if I say a word?".

"No, go right ahead", the woman replies.

The man stands, clears his throat, says "Plethora", and sits back down.

"Thanks", the woman says, "that means a lot"
Cover me in chocolate and feed me to the lesbians

Insane Bolt

Apologies if this has been told before....

Young Catholic lad 16 years old living on Falls Road in Belfast at height of the troubles decides to run away....gets to England, joins the Merchant Navy and is at sea for 35 years...retires and decides he will visit Belfast as the GFA has been in force for years. Goes for a pint down Titanic Quarter and as he raises his glass he starts to take in his surroundings.....pictures of the Queen, Rangers etc....gulps, then drinks up and goes to leave....2 bouncers at the door stop him.....and he explains his situation....one of bouncers pulls out a dice and gives it to the man....he says "what do I do with this?"
Bouncer says roll it....and if you roll between 1-5 me and my mate take you outside and give you a kicking....guy is flustered and says " what happens if I get a six?"

Bouncer winks and says "you get another go"

Insane Bolt

A bloke is rushed to the new A&E at UHL, with a Morphy Richards steam iron up his backside,
"Good grief, " said the doctor, "I thought I'd seen it all, how on Earth did you manage that?"
"Well, " said the bloke, "it happened just after my wife opened her birthday present. "

Orior

Two dogs in a bar.

Dog 1: "I heard a great joke today"

Dog 2: "Let's hear it then"

Dog 1: "Knock knock"

Dog 2: "Woof! Woof! Woof! Woof! Woof! Woof! Woof! Woof! Woof!"
Cover me in chocolate and feed me to the lesbians

Mayo4Sam

To the guy who stole my microsoft office, I will track you down, you have my word

I heard a rumour cadburys are bringing out an oriental chocolate bar.............its a chinese wispa

My friend died because we couldn't remember his blood type. it was awful. As he died he kept telling us to be positive but its hard without him

Did you hear about the man that got sacked by the circus? He's suing them for funfair dismissal

A man died in the nestle factory yesterday. A pallet fell on top of him. He tried to call for help but every time he shouted " the milky bars are on me" everyone just cheered
Excuse me for talking while you're trying to interrupt me

Insane Bolt

A father walks into a book store with his son. The boy is holding a quarter. Suddenly, the boy starts choking, going blue in the face. The father realizes the boy has swallowed the quarter and starts panicking, shouting for help.
A well dressed, attractive and serious looking woman, in a blue business suit is sitting at a coffee bar reading a newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee. At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down, neatly folds the newspaper and places it on the counter, gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across the book store.
Reaching the boy, the woman carefully drops his pants; takes hold of the boy's testicles and starts to squeeze and twist, gently at first and then ever so firmly. After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the quarter, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand.
Releasing the boy, the woman hands the coin to the father and walks back to her seat in the coffee bar without saying a word.
As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no ill effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying, "I've never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are you a doctor?"
"No," the woman replied. "Divorce attorney."

armaghniac

The England football team visited an orphanage in Russia today.
"It's heartbreaking to see their little faces with no hope" said Vladimir aged 6
If at first you don't succeed, then goto Plan B

Ball Hopper

At a recent meeting of world leaders the subject of titles became a topic of conversation.

Juan from Spain said "I'm from a kingdom, so I am a King"

Ranier from Monaco replied "I'm from a principality, so I am a Prince"

Trump looked puzzled and enquired "USA is a country, so what does that make me?"