Corny One for Friday

[Louth Exile]

An old man goes up to a prostitute in Tralee. He says "How much do you charge?" She replies "€150"
"Thats pretty dear" says he "I've no money, all I have is these 2 all ireland medals I won in the 50's"
She looks at the medals and agrees to the deal, she takes them and off they go to do the business.
Next night another old man approaches her and says "How much do you charge?" She replies "€150"
"Thats pretty dear" says he "are you any good?"...........

She says



"I've got two All Ireland Medals"

[MauriceMalpas]

 > A London lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by an Irish Garda.
> He thinks that he is smarter than the cop because he is a London lawyer,
> from London, and is certain that he has a better education than any
> paddy cop. He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the
> Garda's expense!!
>
> Irish Garda says," License and registration, please."
>
> London Lawyer says, "What for?"
>
> Irish Garda replies, "You didn't come to a complete stop at the Stop
> sign."
>
> London Lawyer says, "I slowed down, and no one was coming."
>
> Irish Garda says, "You still didn't come to a complete stop. License and
> registration, please."
>
> London Lawyer says, "What's the difference?"
>
> Irish Garda says, "The difference is, you have to come to complete stop,
> that's the law. License and registration, please!"
>
> London Lawyer says, "If you can show me the legal difference between
> "slow down" and "stop", I'll give you my license and registration and you
> give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket."
>
> Irish Garda says, "Sounds fair. Exit your vehicle, sir."
>
> The London lawyer exits his vehicle. The Irish Garda takes out his baton
> and starts beating the f*ck out of the lawyer with it and says, "Do you
> want me to stop, or just slow down?"

[Candyman]

 

[DirtyDozen12]

Murphy calls to see his mate Paddy who has a broken leg. 
Paddy says 'Me feet r freezin mate, could you nip upstairs and get me slippers?'
"No bother" he says and runs up the stairs.  There are Paddys two stunning 19 year old twin daughters sitting on their bed.  "Hello girls, your Dad sent me up here to shag ye both".
"f**k off ye liar" they said.
"ill prove it" says Murphy, so he shouts down the stairs, "Both of them Pat?"
"Of Course, whats the use of f**king one!!!"

[the Deel Rover]

A maried man was having an affair with his secretary. One day they went to her place and made love all afternoon.
Exhausted they fell asleep and woke up at 8pm the man hurriedly dressed and told his lover to take his shoes outside and rub them in the grass and dirt.He put on his shoes and drove home.
"where have you been?" his wife demanded.
" I can't lie to you" he replied "i'm having an affair with my secretary and we had sex all afternoon"
she looked down at his shoes and said " you lying bastard ! you've been playing golf!"

[Aristotle Flynn]

Maurice - it's a good idea tp read the previous page before posting on this thread.

> A London lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by an Irish Garda.
> He thinks that he is smarter than the cop because he is a London lawyer,
> from London, and is certain that he has a better education than any
> paddy cop. He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the
> Garda's expense!!
>
> Irish Garda says," License and registration, please."
>
> London Lawyer says, "What for?"
>
> Irish Garda replies, "You didn't come to a complete stop at the Stop
> sign."
>
> London Lawyer says, "I slowed down, and no one was coming."
>
> Irish Garda says, "You still didn't come to a complete stop. License and
> registration, please."
>
> London Lawyer says, "What's the difference?"
>
> Irish Garda says, "The difference is, you have to come to complete stop,
> that's the law. License and registration, please!"
>
> London Lawyer says, "If you can show me the legal difference between
> "slow down" and "stop", I'll give you my license and registration and you
> give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket."
>
> Irish Garda says, "Sounds fair. Exit your vehicle, sir."
>
> The London lawyer exits his vehicle. The Irish Garda takes out his baton
> and starts beating the f*ck out of the lawyer with it and says, "Do you
> want me to stop, or just slow down?"

[tyroneman]

Q. What is Roy Keane's favourite band?

A. Take That...........you c**t

[Hank Everlast]

Never Argue with a Woman    One  morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing and decides to take  a nap. Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat  out. She motors out a short distance, anchors, and reads her book.    Along  comes a Game Warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman and says,  "Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?"  "Reading  a book," she replies, (thinking, "Isn't that obvious?") "You're in a  Restricted Fishing Area," he informs her. "I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not  fishing. I'm reading." "Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I  know you could start at any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you  up."  "If you  do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault," says the woman.    "But I  haven't even touched you," says the game warden. "That's true, but you  have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment."   "Have a nice day ma'am," and he left.  MORAL:  Never argue with a  woman who reads. It's likely she can also think  .     

[illdecide]

>THE RETIREMENT BONUS
> >
> >If this doesn't make you laugh, you are truly humor impaired!
> >
> >The Marine Corps found they had too many officers and senior enlisted
> >men. It was decided to offer an early retirement bonus. They promised
> >any officer or senior enlisted man who volunteered for retirement a
> >bonus of $1,000 for every inch measured in a straight line between
> >any two points in his body.
> >Those applying got to choose what those two points would be.
> >
> >The first officer who accepted asked that he be measured from the top
> >of his head to the tip of his toes. He was measured at six feet and
> >walked out with a bonus of $72,000.
> >
> >The second officer who accepted was a little smarter and asked to be
> >measured from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. He
> >walked out with $96,000.
> >
> >The third one was a non-commissioned officer, a grizzly old Sergeant
> >Major who, when asked where he would like to be measured replied,
> >"From the tip of my weenie to my testicles."
> >
> >It was suggested by the pension man that he might want to reconsider,
> >explaining about the nice big checks the previous two officers had
> >received.
> >
> >But the old Marine insisted and they decided to go along with him
> >providing the measurement was taken by a medical officer. The medical
> >officer arrived and instructed the Sergeant Major to "drop 'em,"
> >which he did..
> >
> >The medical officer placed the tape measure on the tip of his weenie
> >and began to work back. "Dear Lord!" he suddenly exclaimed, "Where
> >are your testicles?"
> >
> >The old Sergeant Major calmly replied, "Vietnam."

[Billys Boots]

The following are actual stories provided by travel agents:


I had someone ask for an aisle seats so that his or her hair wouldn't get messed up by being near the window.

A client called in inquiring about a package to Hawaii.  After going over all the cost info, she asked, "Would it be cheaper to fly to California and then take the train to Hawaii?"

I got a call from a woman who wanted to go to Capetown.  I started to explain the length of the flight and the passport information when she interrupted me with "I'm not trying to make you look stupid, but Capetown is in Massachusetts. "Without trying to make her look like the stupid one, I calmly explained, "Capecod is in Massachusetts, Capetown is in Africa."  Her response ... click.

A man called, furious about a Florida package we did. I asked what was wrong with the vacation in Orlando. He said he was expecting an ocean-view room. I tried to explain that is not possible, since Orlando is in the middle of the state. He replied, "Don't lie to me. I looked on the map and Florida is a very thin state."

I got a call from a man who asked, "Is it possible to see England from Canada?" I said, "No." He said "But they look so close on the map."

Another man called and asked if he could rent a car in Dallas. When I pulled up the reservation, I noticed he had a 1-hour lay over in Dallas.  When I asked him why he wanted to rent a car, he said, "I heard Dallas was a big airport, and I need a car to drive between the gates to save time."

A nice lady just called. She needed to know how it was possible that her flight from Detroit left at 8:20am and got into Chicago at 8:33am.  I tried to explain that Michigan was an hour ahead of llinois, but she could not understand the concept of time zones. Finally I told her the plane went very fast, and she bought that!

A woman called and asked, "Do airlines put your physical description on your bag so they know who's luggage belongs to who?" I said, "No, why do you ask?" She replied, "Well, when I checked in with the airline, they put a tag on my luggage that said FAT, and I'm overweight, is there any connection?" After putting her on hold for a minute while I "looked into it" (I was actually laughing) I came back and explained the city code for Fresno is FAT, and that the airline was just putting a destination tag on her luggage.

I just got off the phone with a man who asked, "How do I know which plane to get on?" I asked him what exactly he meant, which he replied, "I was told my flight number is 823, but none of these darn planes have numbers on them."

A woman called and said, "I need to fly to Pepsi-cola on one of those computer planes." I asked if she meant to fly to Pensacola on a commuter plane. She said, "Yeah, whatever."

A businessman called and had a question about the documents he needed in order to fly to China. After a lengthy discussion about passports, I reminded him he needed a visa. "Oh no I don't, I've been to China many times and never had to have one of those." I double checked and sure enough, his stay required a visa. When I told him this he said, "Look, I've been to China four times and every time they have accepted my American Express."

A woman called to make reservations, "I want to go from Chicago to Hippopotamus, New York" The agent was at a loss for words. Finally, the agent: "Are you sure that's the name of the town?" "Yes, what flights do you have?" replied the customer. After some searching, the agent came back with, "I'm sorry, ma'am, I've looked up every airport code in the country and can't find a Hippopotamus anywhere." The customer retorted, "Oh don't be silly. Everyone knows where it is. Check your map!" The agent scoured a map of the state of New York and finally offered, "You don't mean Buffalo, do you?" "That's it! I knew it was a big animal!"

[illdecide]

I was reading this book today, The History Of Glue.
I couldn't put it down.

I was driving up the motorway and my boss phoned me and he told me I'd been promoted. I was so shocked I swerved the car. He phoned me again to say I'd been promoted even higher and I swerved again. He then made me managing director and I went right off into a tree. The police came and asked me what had happened. I said 'I careered off the road'

I went to the doctor. I said to him 'I'm frightened of lapels.'
He said, 'You've got cholera.'



I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said 'Analogue.'
I said 'No, just a watch'.



I went into a shop and I said, 'Can someone sell me a kettle?'
The bloke said 'Kenwood'
I said, 'Where is he then?'



I told my mum that I'd opened a theatre.
She said, 'Are you having me on?'
I said, 'Well I'll give you an audition, but I'm not promising You anything'.

[illdecide]

A medical professor was lecturing his 1st year students  about "involuntary muscle contractions". To liven up the lesson he asked one of the female students, for example, do you know what your asshole is doing while your having an orgasm? she replies "probably at Clones watching Armagh"

That came from a Tyrone gypsie

[The Real Laoislad]

Q) How do we know E.T was a Protestant?


Ans) Because he looks like one

[Louth Exile]

An Englishman in a wheelchair entered a restaurant one afternoon and
Asked the waitress for a cup of coffee. The Englishman looked across the
Restaurant and asked, 'Is that Jesus sitting over there?' The waitress
nodded 'yes,'
so the Englishman told her to give Jesus a cup of coffee on him. The
next patron to come in was a Scotsman with a hunched back. He shuffled
over to a booth, painfully sat down, and asked the waitress For a cup of
hot tea. He also glanced across the restaurant and asked, 'Is that
Jesus over there? 'The waitress nodded, so the Scotsman said to give
Jesus a cup of Hot tea, 'My treat.' The third patron to come into the
restaurant was a Irishman on Crutches. He hobbled over to a booth, sat
down and hollered, 'Hey there, sweetie How's about getting me a cold
glass of Coke!' He, too, looked across the restaurant and asked, 'Is
that God's boy Over there?' The waitress once more nodded, so the
Irishman said to give Jesus a cold glass of Coke, 'On my bill.' As Jesus
got up to leave, he passed by the Englishman, touched him and said,'For
your kindness, you are healed.' The Englishman felt the strength Come
back into his legs, got up, and danced a jig out the door. Jesus also
passed by the Scotsman, touched him and said, 'For your kindness, you
are healed.' The Scotsman felt his back straightening Up,and he raised
his hands, praised the Lord and did a series of back Flips out the door.
Then Jesus walked towards the Irishman.
The Irishman jumped up and yelled, 'Don't touch me... I'm on
disability!!

[illdecide]

I went to the local video shop and I said,
'Can I take out The Elephant Man?'
He said, 'He's not your type'.
I said 'Can I borrow Batman Forever?'
He said, 'No, you'll have to bring it back tomorrow'

I went to the local video shop and I said,
'Can I take out The Elephant Man?'
He said, 'He's not your type'.
I said 'Can I borrow Batman Forever?'
He said, 'No, you'll have to bring it back tomorrow'

I fancied a game of darts with my mate.
He said, 'Nearest the bull goes first'
He went 'Baah' and I went 'Moo'
He said 'You're closest'

This cowboy walks in to a German car showroom and he says 'Audi!'

I visited the offices of the RSPCA today.
It's tiny: you couldn't swing a cat in there.

I phoned the local gym and I asked if they could teach me how to do the splits.
He said, 'How flexible are you?'
I said, 'I can't make Tuesdays or Thursdays.'