Corny One for Friday

[behind the wire]

two UDA men sitting making letter bombs-

billy says to sammy "i dont know if that one will work or not"

so sammy says "sure open it and see"

billy says back " are you sure i wont get blew up?"

sammy says "nah never worry sure it wasnt addressed to you!"

[illdecide]

So Pavarotti knocks on the pearly gates...


St Peter opens them and says 'oh it's you luciano, come on
in. squeeze through'.

pavarotti says 'hold on, i've got an envelope for you, from
the pope.'

st peter opens it up and reads it. ....



Scroll down.....






|



|



|



|



|



|



|



|








'HERE'S THAT TENOR I OWE YOU'

[stpauls]

I can sympathise with the Italians over the death of Pavarotti, I know what it is like to lose a tenner!!!

[man in black]

Elton John set to replace Pavorotti and join Jose and Placido, they will be known as the "2 tenors and the 9 bob note"

A special hearse had to be built for the big man....and its makers are so impressed they will launch it next year. the "nissan dorma" will be on sale from january.

[Windmill abu]

"I don't understand bus lanes. Why do poor people have to get to places quicker than I do?"

So true.

Its like having reserved places for families with young children at supermarkets.
I appreciate that they may need more space to get their youngsters in and out of the cars. But why do these spaces need to be close to the entrances to the shop?
Surely if these places were at the furthest reaches of the car parks, the extra exercise pushing the trollies would help the mothers to get fit again

[longball]

A "heads up" for you and any of your friends who may be regular customers at Dundrum Shopping Centre . Over the last month I became the victim of a clever scam whilst out shopping.
Simply going out to get some bits and pieces has turned out to be quite traumatic. Don't be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you.

Here's how the scam works: Two seriously good looking 18 or 19 year old girls come over to your car as you are loading your stuff into the boot. They both start wiping your windshield with a rag and Windolene with their cleavage almost falling out of their skimpy T-shirts. It is impossible not to look. When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say "No" and instead ask you for a lift to Stillorgan shopping centre.

You agree and they get in the back seat.

On the way, they start having sex with each other. Then one of them climbs over into the front seat and performs oral sex on you, while the other one steals your wallet.

I had my wallet stolen on August; 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on the 15th, 17th,20th, three times just yesterday, and very likely again this upcoming weekend as soon as I can buy some more wallets.

Please pass this message on to all the men you know to warn them about this scam.

thats rough man- my heart goes out to you. i hope them women are caught and punished!

[illdecide]

Subject: Spaghetti

For several years, a man was having an affair with an Italian woman.


One night, she confided in him that she was pregnant. Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, He paid her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to secretly have the child. If she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would also provide child support until the child turned 18. She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born. To keep it discrete, he told her to simply mail him a post card, and write "Spaghetti" on the back. He would then arrange for the child support payments to begin.


One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife. "Honey," she said, "you received a very strange po st card today."
"Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it later," he said. The wife obeyed and watched as her husband read the card, turned white, and fainted.


On the card was written:
"Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, and Spaghetti. Three with meatballs, two without.

Send extra sauce."

[illdecide]

>>A very loud, unattractive, hard-faced woman walks into Tesco with
her
>> >>two kids in tow, screaming  obscenities at them all the way through
the
>> >>entrance.
>> >>
>> >>
>> >>
>> >>The door greeter says, "Good morning and welcome to Tesco, nice
>> >>children
>> >>you've got there. Are they twins?"
>> >>
>> >>
>> >>
>> >>The fat ugly woman stops screaming long enough to snarl: "Of course

>> >>they
>> >>f***ing aren't! He's nine and she's seven.  Why the f*** would you
>> >>think
>> >>they're twins? Do they look f***ing alike, tw*t?"
>> >>
>> >>
>> >>
>> >>  "Absolutely not," replies the greeter, "but I just can't believe
> anyone
>> >>would sh*g you twice!"
>> >>

[illdecide]

This brainy bloke had an IQ of 268 and he was finding it really difficult to make friends with normal people, so he went to see what his doctor could do for him.
As luck would have it, the Doc had just purchased an amazing new machine that could actually shrink the size of the human brain. So he strapped him into the contraption and flipped the switch. But just at that moment the phone rang and the doctor went to answer it.
Five minutes later he came back and realised he'd forgotten about the genius he'd strapped into the machine."Ohmigod!" he cried as he switched off the

power. A quick test revealed the IQ of the man had been reduced to 1.
"Speak to me, say something - anything!" screamed the doctor. The man looked out of the window and in a deep Neanderthal-type voice he grunted "Rain."

The Doc looked outside and seen that the weather had changed and indeed it had begun to rain.
"Come on, come on, say something else - are you all right?"
implored the
Doc.
Again, all the man could do was stare outside and grunt "Rain."
"What is it, what are you trying to say?" asked the doctor.
"Rain,
Rain,
Rain.......................
................................................
...............................................
.............................................
.............................................
.............................................
............................................
...........................................
............................................
............................................
.............................................
...........................................
.............................................
.........................................
..............................................
..............................................
..............................................
.............................................
...............................................
...........................................
...............................................
...............................................
.............................................
................................GERS"

[Orior]

Lay off Crossmaglen

[illdecide]

Lay off Crossmaglen

Jasus thats below the belt. John Donaldson will get ya for that

[illdecide]

**WARNING**
Please DO NOT read this if you are easily offended.


Ranault have manufactured a new family sized car. You can put the kids in the back and never find them again.
Its called the Renault McCann.

f**k me 5ive Times thats not very nice, a we bit OTT

[el_cuervo_fc]

What's worse than letting Michael Jackson babysit your kids?



Letting the McCanns take them on holidays




**WARNING**
Please DO NOT read the above if you are easily offended.

[full back]

Whatever happened to the "Do not read if easily offended thread?"
Did the mods close it or something?

[Billys Boots]

You've forgotten ...

Murphy's Law of the Lab (or Kitchen)
Hot glass looks exactly the same as cold glass.