Corny One for Friday

[illdecide]

What's the difference between a Catholic priest and a zit?

A zit will wait until you're twelve before it comes on your face.

[illdecide]

What's the difference between anal and oral sex?

Oral sex makes your day. Anal makes your hole weak.

[illdecide]

Two campers are walking through the woods when a huge brown bear suddenly appears in the clearing about 50 feet in front of them. The bear sees the campers and begins to head toward them. The first guy drops his backpack, digs out a pair of trainers, and frantically begins to put them on. The second guy says, 'What are you doing? Trainers won't help you outrun that bear.' 'I don't need to outrun the bear,' the first guy says. 'I just need to outrun you.'

[illdecide]

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps, "My friend is dead! What can I do?". The operator says "Calm down. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says "OK, now what?"

[mikehunt]

What has 40 feet and stinks of p!ss?
The front row of a Daniel O Donnell concert.

[armaghniac]

Given the times that are in it.....

An Englishman, an Scotsman and an Irish man got 3 wishes from a genie, they decided to take one each.

The Englishman said to build a giant wall around England to keep all the bloody foreigners out.
The Scotsman asked to be locked in a castle with a 50 year supply of whisky and 10 beautiful red haired women.

The Irishman said, tell me more about the Englishman's wall. The genie said it is one mile high and half a mile thick and completely surrounds England with no way through.

Fair enough says the Irishman, fill her up with water so.

[muppet]

Politics in Ireland

AAA – PBP
You have two cows, AAA closes the market, takes your milk and gives it to their sheep. They then protest at your farm against capitalism and globalization.

Fianna Fáil
You have two cows, FF promises you top rate for your milk, tells you to borrow money for more cows and that they will build houses for your cows. You bankrupt your entire parish.

Fine Gael
You have two cows, one refuses to do interviews with Browne Cow & both deny any connection to Digi-cow.  FG takes your milk to give to the banks but promises to give it back. FG tells you & the cows to blame Fianna Fáil.

Green Party
You have two cows, the Greens make your cows walk to the creamery and charge you taxes on their flatulence.

Independent Alliance
You have two cows, the Independent Alliance promises not to use the whip on them. It promises more milk and less milk and is both for and against raising and lowering milk quotas.

Labour Party
You have two cows, the Labour Party takes all of your current milk, all of your future milk and gives you a pint of milk back. They insist you should be grateful.  There is a strong scent of bull from them.

Renua
You have two cows, Renua promises to reduce the amount of milk you give and promises to have more milk for everyone. Your cows scratch their heads.

Sinn Féin
You have two cows, one, the Jersey, denies membership of the IFA. SF promises to take 5% of every cow in tax, each year and insists this will work, because it has been 'costed'.

Social Democrats
You have two cows, as do many of your neighbours, the SDs promise to make them all joint party-leaders and to provide IKEA cowsheds for all cows.

[armaghniac]

Thomas is 32 years old and he is still single.
One day a friend asked, "Why aren't you married? Can't you find a woman who will be a good wife?"
Thomas replied, "Actually, I've found many women I wanted to marry, but when I bring them home to meet my parents, my mother doesn't like them."
His friend thinks for a moment and says, "I've got the perfect solution, just find a girl who's just like your mother."
A few months later they meet again and his friend says, "Did you find the perfect girl? Did your mother like her?"
With a frown on his face, Thomas answers, "Yes, I found the perfect girl. She was just like my mother. You were right, my mother liked her very much."
The friend said, "Then what's the problem?"
Thomas replied, "My father doesn't like her."

[illdecide]

Why don't blondes get sick very often?
-
Viruses and bacteria also have their pride!

[illdecide]

What do you call a blonde who lost 95% of her intelligence?
-
A widow!

[illdecide]

There is a blonde, a brunette and a redhead in Grade 5. Which of the girls has the largest breasts?
-
The blonde one, she's already 18.

[seafoid]

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZqHPqTDHxJs&ebc

[seafoid]

Ron White: If I could offer one piece of advice to the planet, it would be this: Don't marry for looks alone, and I'll tell you why. In a few years, when Barbara's boobs start sagging, she can get plastic surgery, have them lifted, move the nipple wherever. You can actually go to a titty bar, pick out a set of titties and say, "I want those titties on that woman." If her belly gets too big, she can get a tummy tuck and have a belly like a cheerleader. If her vision goes bad, you can have LASIK surgery and have 20/20 vision. If her hearing goes bad, they can install a device in her ear that will give you hearing as clear as it was the day you were born. But let me tell you something, folks: You can't fix stupid. There's not a pill you can take; there's not a class you can go to. Stupid is forever.

[Orior]

That is one story I will not be telling the girls from HR, lol.

[brokencrossbar1]

That is one story I will not be telling the girls from HR, lol.

Would they not understand?