Corny One for Friday

[Hardy]

I can guess what day a woman was born just by feeling her boobs.
- Really? Go on then - have a go.

Fondle, fiddle, foodle, fondle, fondle, .... foodle, fiddle, fondle, foodle, fondle ...

Come on! What day was I born?
- Yesterday.

[Orior]

I can guess what day a woman was born just by feeling her boobs.
- Really? Go on then - have a go.

Fondle, fiddle, foodle, fondle, fondle, .... foodle, fiddle, fondle, foodle, fondle ...

Come on! What day was I born?
- Yesterday.

One more fondle and she would be calling you a pervert.

[Hardy]

CHANGE ONE LETTER IN A REAL WORD, MAKE A NEW WORD

Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realise it was your money to start with.

Karmageddon: When everybody gives such really bad vibes that the Earth explodes.

Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.

Glibido: All talk and no action.

Arachnoleptic fit: The frantic dance performed when you walk through a spider web.

Cashtration: The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period.

Beelzebug: Satan in the form of a mosquito that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.

Bozone: The substance surrounding stupid people that stops ideas from penetrating.

[Orior]

The Pope asks one of the Cardinals for help with a crossword. "I need a 4-letter word, commonly used to refer to women...it ends in -unt."

The Cardinal replies, "Aunt?"

The Pope says, "I don't suppose you have an eraser, do you?"

[seafoid]

This fella walks into the poshest restaurant in town!
"Where's the goddamn, mother f**king Manager you c**k sucking arsewipe?"
he politely inquires to one of the waiters.
The waiter is naturally taken aback and replies, "Excuse me sir  but could
you please refrain from using that sort of language in here, I will get the
manager as soon as I can".

The manager comes over and the bloke asks, " Are you the chicken  f**king,
manager of this bastard joint?".

"Yes sir, I am," replies the manager, "but I would prefer it if you  could
refrain from speaking such profanities in this, a private
restaurant".
"f**k off" replies the bloke "and where's the f**king piano?"
"Pardon ?" says the manager.

"f**king deaf as well, are we? You little piece of snivelling shit,  show
us  your pissing piano"

"Ahhhh !" replies the manager, "you've come about the pianist job"  and
shows  the bloke to the piano.
"Can you play any blues?".
"Of course I can," and the bloke proceeds to play the most  inspiring and
beautiful sounding honky tonk blues that the manager  has ever heard.
"That's superb. What's it called?"

"I want to f**k your missus on the sofa but the springs keep  hurting me
knob," replies the man. The manager is a bit
disturbed and asks if the bloke knows any jazz. The man  proceeds,
playing the most melancholy jazz  solo the manager
has ever heard.

"Magnificent !" cries the manager "What's it called?"

"I wanted a w**k over the washin' machine but me balls got caught  in the
soap drawer".

The manager is a tad embarrassed and asks if he knows any romantic
ballads,  the man then plays the most heartbreaking melody.
"And what's this called ?" asks the manager.

"As I f**k you under the stars with the moonlight shining off your  hairy
ring-piece," replies the man.
The manager is highly upset by the man's language but offers him  the
job  on condition that he doesn't introduce any of his songs or talk to
any of the customers. This arrangement works well for a couple of  months
until one  night sitting opposite him is the most gorgeous blonde he has
ever  laid his  eyes on, she's wearing an almost see through dress, her
tits are
almost falling out the top of her black lace bra, and the skimpy  little
`G' string  she's wearing is riding up the crack of her arse. She is
sitting  there with  her legs slightly open sucking suggestively on
asparagus shoots and  the butter is dripping down her chin!. Anyway its too much for the man and he runs off to the jacks to
`wrestle  with his bald headed  champ'. He's pulling away furiously when he
hears the managers  voice "Where's that bastard pianist ?".
He just has time to shoot his bolt and in a fluster he runs back to  the
piano having not bothered to adjust himself properly, sits  down and starts
playing some more tunes.

The blonde steps up and walks over to the piano, leans over and  whispers
in  his ear, "Do you know your knob and  bollocks are hanging out your
trousers and dripping jissum on your shoes?". The bloke replies "Know it ?
I f**king wrote it"

[StGallsGAA]

0 out of 10.   

[Orior]

0 out of 10.   

That's too generous

[armaghniac]

A Stabane man went into the doctor and said that he had a problem that he went to Lifford every day and drank 10 pints.
The doctor replied that wasn't good, that he was borderline alchoholic.

I went to Tescos to get Eight cans of Sprite
when i got home i found i had picked seven up

[seafoid]

 Three lads enter a disabled swimming contest The first has no arms  , the second no legs and the third has no body, just a head.
    They all line up, the whistle blows and "splash" they're all in the  pool.The guy with no arms takes the lead instantly but the guy with no legs is closing fast.  The head of course sank straight to the bottom.   Ten lengths later and the guy with no legs finishes first.  He can     still see bubbles coming from the bottom of the pool, so he decides he  had better dive down to rescue him.  He picks up the head, swims
back up to the surface and places the head at the side of the pool, whereupon the head starts coughing and spluttering. Eventually the
head catches his breath and shouts: " Three f**king years I've spent learning to swim with my f**king ears,  then two minutes before the
whistle, some f**ker puts a swimming cap on me".

[seafoid]

MATHS TEST FOR SECONDARY SCHOOLS
IN THE SOUTHSIDE OF DUBLIN:
  *******************************************

NAME____________________________________________________________________
__ _
________________________________________________________________________
__ _

___________________________________________________________

__________(if longer, please continue on separate sheet)


SCHOOL____________________

DADDY'S COMPANY___________

1. Julian smashes up the old man's car, causing x amount of damage
and killing three people.  The old man asks his local TD to
intervene in
the court system, then forges his insurance claim and receives a
payment
of  y.  The difference between x and y is three times the life
insurance
settlement for the three dead people. What kind of car is Julian
driving now?

2. Chloe's personal shopper decides to substitute generic and
own-brand
products for the designer goods favoured by her employer.  In the
course of a month she saves the price of a return ticket to Fiji
and
Chloe doesn't even notice the difference.  Is she thick or what?

3. Roly fancies the arse off a certain number of tarts, but he only
has
enough Rohypnol left to render 33.3% unconscious. If he has 14
Rohypnol,
how is he ever going to shag the other two-thirds?

4. If Savannah throws up four times a day for a week she can fit a
size  8 Versace. If she only throws up three times a day for two weeks,
she   has to make do with a size 10 Dolce et Gabbano.   How much does
  liposuction cost?
  5. Alexander is unsure about his sexuality.  Three days a week he
fancies
women. On the other days he fancies men, ducks and vacuum cleaners.
However he only has access to the Hoover every third week. When does
his Sunday Independent column start?

[seafoid]

A man and his wife are awakened at 3 o'clock in the morning by a loud pounding on the door.
The man gets up and goes to the door where drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.   "Not a chance," says the husband, "it is three o'clock in the morning!"  He slams the door and returns to bed. "Who was that?" asked his wife.  Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers. "Did you help him?" she asks.  "No, I did not, it is three in the morning and it is pouring out!"  "Well, you have a short memory," says his wife. "Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down and those two guys helped us?"
"I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!" The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain. He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?" "Yes," comes back the answer.  "Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.  "Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark. "Where are you?" asks the husband. "Over here on the swing!" replies the drunk.

[illdecide]

A man and his wife are awakened at 3 o'clock in the morning by a loud pounding on the door.
The man gets up and goes to the door where drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.   "Not a chance," says the husband, "it is three o'clock in the morning!"  He slams the door and returns to bed. "Who was that?" asked his wife.  Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers. "Did you help him?" she asks.  "No, I did not, it is three in the morning and it is pouring out!"  "Well, you have a short memory," says his wife. "Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down and those two guys helped us?"
"I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!" The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain. He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?" "Yes," comes back the answer.  "Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.  "Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark. "Where are you?" asks the husband. "Over here on the swing!" replies the drunk.

Thats class...never heard that one before

[seafoid]

man walked into a bar with a steering wheel in his trousers, The bartender said, "sir, did you know you have a steering wheel in your trousers?"  the man said, "arrgh, it's driving me nuts."


Blind man got a cheese grater for Christmas. He said it was the most violent book he had ever read

[seafoid]

Vodka Xmas Cake Christmas Cake

Ingredients: 1 cup of water 1 tsp baking soda 1 cup of sugar 1 tsp salt 1 cup of brown sugar lemon juice
4 large eggs nuts 1 bottle Vodka 2 cups of dried fruit

Sample the vodka to check quality. Take a large bowl, check the vodka again. To be sure it is the highest quality, pour one level cup and drink. Repeat. Turn on the electric mixer. Beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl. Add one teaspoon of sugar. Beat again. At this point it's best to make sure the vodka is shtill OK.
Try another cup.... just in case. Turn off the mixerer. Break 2 leggs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit.
Pick fruit off floor. Mix on the turner. If the fried druit gets stuck in the beaterers pry it loose with a sdrewscriver.
Sample the vodka to check for tonsisticity. Next, sift two cups of salt. Or something.
Who giveshz a shit. Check the vodka. Now shift the lemon juice and strain your nuts. Add one table. Add a spoon of sugar, or somefink. Whatever you can find. Greash the oven and piss in the fridge. Turn the cake tin 360 degrees and try not to fall over. Don't forget to beat off the turner. Finally, throw the bowl through the window, finish the vodka and kick the cat. Fall into bed.


Three guys and a lady were sitting at the bar talking about their professions. The first guy says, "I'm a YUPPIE..... you know ... Young, Urban, Professional." The second guy says, "I'm a DINK..... you know ... Double Income, No Kids." The third guy says, "I'm a RUB.... you know Rich, Urban, Biker." They turn to the woman and ask her, "What are you?" She replies..... "I'm a WIFE ... you know, Wash, Iron, f**k, Etc."


Jerry was hired to play his trumpet on the score of a movie, and he was very excited. He was especially thrilled because he got to perform two long solos. After the sessions were finished, Jerry could not wait to see the finished product. He asked the producer where and when he could catch the film. A little embarrassed, the producer explained that the music was for an adult movie that would be out in a month, and he told Jerry where he could go to see it. A month later, Jerry, with his collar up and wearing sunglasses, went to the theater where the picture was playing. He walked in and sat way in the back, next to an elderly couple who also seemed to be incognito. The movie started, and it was the filthiest, most perverse porno flick ever: group sex, S&M, golden showers. Then, halfway through, a dog got in on the action! Before anyone could blink an eye, the dog had sex with all the women and most of the men. Embarrassed, Jerry turned to the old couple and whispered, "I'm only here for the music." The woman turned to Jerry and whispered back, "That's okay, we're only here to see our dog."

Little Red Riding Hood was out in the woods again -- some girls never learn -- when she saw another wolf crouched down behind a log. "My what big eyes you have, Mr. Wolf," said Little Red. The surprised wolf jumped up and ran away. Further down the road Little Red Riding Hood saw the wolf again, this time crouched behind a tree stump. "My what big ears you have Mr. Wolf," she sang out. Again the foiled wolf jumped up and ran away. About 2 miles down the road, Little Red Riding Hood saw the wolf again, this time crouched down behind a road sign. "My what big teeth you have Mr. Wolf," she mocked. With that the Big Bad Wolf jumped up and screamed, "Will you get lost?! I'm trying to take a shit!"

[seafoid]

answers given to Larry Gogan on the Just a Minute Quiz.

1)       Something a blind man might use? A Sword
2)       A Song with the word Moon in the title? Blue Suede Moon
3)       Name the Capital of France? F
4)       Name a bird with a long Neck? Naomi Campbell
5)       Name an occupation where you might need a torch? A burglar
6)       Where is the Taj Mahal? Opposite the Dental Hospital
7)       What is Hitlers first name ? Heil
8)As happy as.... (Larry gave a hint - think of my name) A pig in @#%$
9)       Some famous brothers ? Bonnie and Clyde.
10)       A dangerous race ? The Arabs
11)       Something that floats in a bath ? Water
12)       An item of clothing worn by the Three Musketeers ? A horse
13)       Something you wear on a beach ? A deckchair
14)       A famous Royal ? Mail
15)       Something that flies that doesn't have an engine ? A bicycle with
wings
16)       A famous bridge ? The Bridge Over Troubled Waters
17)       Something a cat does ? Goes to the Toilet
18)       Something you do in the bathroom ? Decorate
19)       A method of securing your home ? Put the kettle on
20)       Something associated with pigs ? The Police
21)       A sign of the Zodiac ? April
22)       Something people might be allergic to ? Skiing
23)       Something you do before you go to bed ? Sleep
24)       Something you put on walls ? A roof
25)       Something Slippery ? A conman
26)       A kind of ache ? A fillet of fish
27)       A Jacket Potato topping ? Jam
28)       A food that can be brown or white ? A potato
29)       A famous Scotsman? Jock
30)       A famous Scotsman? Vinnie Jones
31)       Something you open other than a door ? Your bowels