Corny One for Friday

[Louth Exile]

Might be an old one, but I have just seen it for the first time today 


> >Two 90 year old men, Pat and Tom, have been friends all of their lives.
> >When it's clear that Pat is dying, Tom visits him every day. One day Pat
> >says, "Tom, we both loved Gaelic Football all our lives, and we played
> >through all the ranks, right up from U-12 together for so many years.
> >Please do me one favor, when you get to Heaven, somehow you must let me
> >know if there's Gaelic Football played up there."
> >Pat looks up at Tom from his death bed," Tom, you've been my best friend
> >for many years. If it's at all possible, I'll do this favor for you.
> >Shortly after that, Pat passes on.
> >At midnight a couple of nights later, Tom is awakened from a sound sleep by
> >a blinding flash of white light and a voice calling out to him, "Tom--Tom."
> >"Who is it?, asks Tom sitting up suddenly. "Who is it?" "To-m--it's me,
> >Pat."
> >"You're not Pat. Pat just died."
> >"I'm telling you, it's me, Pat," insists the voice.
> >"Pat! Where are you?"
> >"In heaven", replies Pat. "I have some really good news and a little bad
> >news."
> >"Tell me the good news first," says Tom."The good news," Pat says," is that
> >there's Gaelic Football in heaven. Better yet, all of our old buddies who
> >died before us are here, too. Better than that, we're all young again.
> >Better still, it's always spring time and it never rains or snows, so
> >there's no need for a defunct fixtures committee to mess things up. And
> >best of all, we can play Gaelic Football all we want, and we never get
> >tired."
> >
> >"That's fantastic," says Tom. "It's beyond my wildest dreams!
> >
> >So what could possibly be the bad news?"
> >
> >"You're playing corner-forward for Meath on Tuesday evening 

[Orior]

Talking of old old old jokes, the Derry GAA thread reminds me of this one:

A man goes into the Doctor's surgery and asks if he can put his 13 year old daughter on the pill.

"Is she sexually active?" asks the doctor

"No" replies the man "she just lies there like her mother"

[the Deel Rover]

a group of lads go out for a night and then go to a cowboy themed bar. When they go in they see that the bar has installed a spinning bull. They all have a go and the bull spins them around and they all fall off within 30 seconds.Up steps paddy and he jumps on the bull and he stays on for 10 minutes before falling off . The rest of the lads ask how he managed to stay on for so long and he replies

"my wifes epileptic"

[Carmen Stateside]

A local bakery hires a young female assistant with a penchant for very short skirts. One day a young man enters the store, glances at the assistant, and glances at the loaves of bread behind the counter. " I'd like some raisen bread please," the man says politely.
The assistant nods and climbs up a ladder to reach the raisen bread, located on the very top shelf. The man, standing almost beneath her, is provided with an excellent veiw.
As the assistant retreives the bread, a small number of male customers gather around the young man, looking in the same direction.
pretty soon each person is asking for raisen bread, just to see the assistant climb up and down. After a few trips the assistant is tired and irritated. She stops and fumes at the top of the ladder, glaring at the men standing below.
She notices an elderly man standing amongst the crowd " Is yours raisen too?" the assistant shouts down.
"no" croaks the feeble old man.........................."But its startin to twitch."

[illdecide]

Bob can't get an erection so he goes to the doctor. He reports to the
doctor that nothing, not even Viagra, does any good.
The doctor tells him the muscles at the base of his penis are broken
down
from aging and there's nothing he can do unless
he's willing to try an experimental surgery.
Bob asks what the surgery is and the doctor tells him they take the
muscles from the base of a baby elephant's trunk,
insert them in the base of his penis, and hope for the best.
Bob says that sounds pretty scary but the thought of never having
intimacy
again is even scarier, so he says ok.
The doctor goes ahead and performs the surgery and about 6 weeks later
he
gives Bob the approval to "try out his new equipment".
Bob takes his wife out to dinner. While at dinner Bob starts feeling
incredible pressure in his pants. It gets unbearable
and he figures no one can see him under the table so he undoes his
pants.
No sooner does he do this than his penis pops out
of his pants, undulates across the table, grabs an apple from the fruit
basket, and disppears back into his pants.
His wife sits in shock for a few moments, and then gets a sly look on
her
face. She says,
"That was pretty cool! can you do that again?"
With his eyes watering and a painful look on his face, Bob says,
"Probably, but I don't know if I can stuff another apple up my ass."

[illdecide]

An older man marries a young woman and they are deeply in love.
However, no matter what the husband does sexually, the woman never
achieves orgasm so they decide to ask a sex therapist for advice.

The therapist listens to their story and makes the following suggestion;


"Hire a strapping young man and while the two of you are making love
have the young man wave a towel over you, as though he is fanning you
both.  Make sure he is totally naked and she can see his manhood as he
fans you both with the towel.  That will help your wife fantasize, and
should bring on a full-blown orgasm."

They go home and follow the therapist's advice. They hire a handsome
young man and he strips off and enthusiastically waves a towel over them
both as they make love. But it doesn't help and still the wife is
unsatisfied and frustrated.

Perplexed, they go back to the therapist "Okay", he says, "let's try it
reversed. Have the young man make love to your wife and you wave the
towel over them."

Once again, they follow the advice. The young man gets into bed with the
wife and the husband waves the towel. The hired hand really works with
great enthusiasm and the wife soon has an enormous, room-shaking,
screaming,  orgasm.

Smiling, the husband drops the towel, taps the young man on the shoulder
and says to him triumphantly................


THAT'S how you wave a f *** ing towel, son!!"

[illdecide]

>>Little Red Riding Hood is skipping down the road when she sees the
>>Big Bad
>>Wolf crouched down behind a log.
>>
>>"My what big eyes you have, Mr. Wolf.", says Little Red Riding
>>Hood.
>>
>>The surprised wolf jumps up and runs away!!!
>>
>>Further down the road Little Red Riding Hood sees the wolf again,
>>this time
>>he is crouched behind a tree stump.
>>
>>"My what big ears you have Mr. Wolf.", says Little Red Riding Hood.
>>
>>Again the foiled wolf jumps up and runs away.
>>
>>About 2 miles down the track, Little Red Riding Hood sees the wolf
>>again,
>>this time crouched down behind a road sign.
>>
>>"My what big teeth you have Mr. Wolf.", taunts Little Red Riding
>>Hood.
>>
>>With that the Big Bad Wolf jumps up and screams... "Will you ****
>>off, I'm
>>trying to have a shit"!

[Orior]

Did you make that up all by yourself? 

[Hurler on the Bitch]

Q. What's pink and hard? A. A pig with a flick-knife..

[illdecide]

Subject: Tyrone Seamus



Wee Seamus from Omagh always wanted to look cool.
So his friend told him that he needed a good designer pair of trainers to go with his shell suit.

Seamus saved up all his Giros and all the money he got back from returning his empty Gingy bottles and finally managed to get himself a pair of brilliant white trainers to go with his shell suit.

Proudly, he strutted down the streets of Omagh calling out to all the passers by "See ma new trainers? Stonkin, eh?"

One fine upstanding gentleman pointed out that they were indeed a fine pair of trainers but was young Seamus aware that he had a lace undone?

Seamus scornfully retorted that it was part of being cool to have a trailing lace and that on the bottom of the trainer there were instructions for the wearer to only have one lace tied.

When asked for proof of this instruction, Seamus took off his trainer and held it upside down for the disbeliever to read.
"There y'are! It clearly says ....

Scroll Down..........































.... TAIWAN !!!

[The Real Laoislad]

KNOCK KNOCK


Whose there 


THE ELECTRICIAN


The Electrician who



THE ELECTRICIAN WHO IS HERE TO FIX YOUR DOORBELL

[illdecide]

Sunburn A guy falls asleep on the beach for several hours and gets
>> > a horrible sunburn. He goes to the hospital, and is promptly
>> > admitted
>>after
>> > being diagnosed with second degree burns. With his skin already
>> > starting
>
>>to
>> > blister , and seeing the severe pain he is in, the doctor
>> > prescribes an
>>IV
>> > with saline, electrolytes, a sedative, and a Viagra pill every four
>>hours.
>> > The nurse, who is rather astounded asks, "What good will Viagra do
>> > him, Doctor?" "It'll keep the sheets off his legs."

[Captain Scarlet]

May i just state these are not mine!

Anybody want a ticket for Pavarotti's funeral? Only a tenor

Pavarotti at the gates of heaven hands St.Peter a note from the Pope, it reads "here's that tenor i owe you".

The three tenors will now be known as 'twenty quid'

[illdecide]

Well if your gonna start it...

Had a phone call from the Pavarotti family, so I got to work. Sheet of MDF £5.65, glue £1.90, handles and screws £1.65, varnish £0.80p.

See, you can make a coffin for a "Tenor"......

[Hurler on the Bitch]

Subject: Tyrone Seamus



Wee Seamus from Omagh always wanted to look cool.
So his friend told him that he needed a good designer pair of trainers to go with his shell suit.

Seamus saved up all his Giros and all the money he got back from returning his empty Gingy bottles and finally managed to get himself a pair of brilliant white trainers to go with his shell suit.

Proudly, he strutted down the streets of Omagh calling out to all the passers by "See ma new trainers? Stonkin, eh?"

One fine upstanding gentleman pointed out that they were indeed a fine pair of trainers but was young Seamus aware that he had a lace undone?

Seamus scornfully retorted that it was part of being cool to have a trailing lace and that on the bottom of the trainer there were instructions for the wearer to only have one lace tied.

When asked for proof of this instruction, Seamus took off his trainer and held it upside down for the disbeliever to read.
"There y'are! It clearly says ....

Scroll Down..........































.... TAIWAN !!!

FFS - THAT JOKE IS A DERRY JOKE - IE 'SCORE AT THE DERRY CITY MATCH LAST WEEK.............