Corny One for Friday

[illdecide]

Nine words women use...
>
>1.)   Fine: This is the word women use to end an argument when they
>are right and you need to shut up.
>
>2.)   Five Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this means a half an
>hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given
five
>more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.
>
>3.)   Nothing: This is the calm before the storm. This means
>something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with
>nothing usually end in fine.
>
>4.) Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!
>
>5.)   Loud Sigh: This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal
>statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you
>are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and
>arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to #3 for the meaning of
>nothing.)
>
>6.)   That's Okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements a
>women can make to a man. That's okay means she wants to think long and
>hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.
>
>7.)   Thanks: A woman is thanking you, do not question, or faint. Just
>say you're welcome.
>
>8.)  Whatever: Is a women's way of saying "up yours".
>
>9.)  Don't worry about it, I got it: Another dangerous statement,
>meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several
>times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man
>asking "What's wrong?" For the woman's response refer to #3.
>
>Send this to the men you know, to warn them about arguments they can
>avoid if they remember the terminology.
>
>Send this to all the women you know to give them a good laugh, cause
>they know it's true.

[illdecide]

Who's the Daddy

The following are all replies that women have put on Child
Support Agency forms in the section for listing father's details: These
are genuine excerpts from the forms. Be sure to check number 11, It
takes the prize. 

1. Regarding the identity of the father of my twins, child A was
fathered by Jim Munson. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of
child B, but I believe that he was conceived on the same night.

2. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of my child as I was
being sick out of a window when taken unexpectedly from behind. I can
provide you with a list of names of men that I think were at the party
if this helps.

3. I do not know the name of the father of my little girl. She was
conceived at a party at 36 Grand Avenue where I had unprotected sex with
a man I met that night. I do remember that the sex was so good that I
fainted. If you do manage to track down the father, can you send me his
phone number? Thanks.

4. I don't know the identity of the father of my daughter. He drives a
BMW that now has a hole made by my stiletto in one of the door panels.
Perhaps you can contact BMW service stations in this area, and see if
he's had it replaced.

5. I have never had sex with a man. I am awaiting a letter from the Pope
confirming that my son's conception was immaculate and that he is Christ
risen again.

6. I cannot tell you the name of child A's dad as he informs me that to
do so would blow his cover and that would have cataclysmic implications
for the British economy. I am torn between doing right by you and right
by the country. Please advise.

7. I do not know who the father of my child was as all squaddies look
the same to me. I can confirm that he was a Royal Green Jacket.

8. Peter Smith is the father of child A. If you do catch up with him,
can you ask him what he did with my AC/DC CDs?

9. From the dates it seems that my daughter was conceived at
Euro-Disney; maybe it really is the Magic Kingdom.

10. So much about that night is a blur. The only thing that I remember
for sure is Delia Smith did a program about eggs earlier in the evening.
If I'd have stayed in and watched more TV rather than going to the party
at 146 Miller Drive, mine might have remained unfertilised.

11. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of my baby, after all
when you eat a can of beans you can't be sure which one made you fart.

[stephenite]

Already posted not two pages back Illdecide

[Orior]

Interesting fact:

1 + 1 = 3   (for large values of 1)

[full back]

Went to the zoo last week and there was only one small dog, it was a schitzu.

You watching BB last night

[longball]

Went to the zoo last week and there was only one small dog, it was a schitzu.

You watching BB last night

what do u call a member of girls aloud with a tenner over her head??

All you can eat for under a tenner

(sad BB joke from last nite)

[illdecide]

Already posted not two pages back Illdecide

Sorry about that chief, didn't realise.

[Bud Wiser]

Just bringing this back from page 3.  Not a joke but the outcome of events over the weekend.
Went to the game with a man who is a dog handler in the drugs squad and we were having general chit chat during half time.  I was asking when the helicopter was above Croker "was the dog ever up in the helicopter" etc. (and he was)

In the pub then last night we are all chatting and I am telling my story about the drug search dog and I said:
Do you know that when the dog sniffs out two million pounds worth of drugs how they thank him?

Replies were like, "I suppose they give him a big feed" etc.

No, I said, what they do is give him a ball to play with, that is all he wants is a ball to play with.

Well then said one wit in front of me, "wouldn't it be a great idea if Pillar Caffrey did that?"
What say's I?
<
<
<
<
<
<
Give some of the players a ball to play with instead of what they do in training.

[Square Ball]

How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened when she brings it.
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Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.
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Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It's one of those 'evolutionary things' that allows
Them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.
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How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
When she starts a sentence with 'A man once told me...'
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How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't. There is a clock on the oven.
-----------------------------------------------------------------
Why do men pass gas more than women?
Because women can't shut up long enough to
Build up the required pressure.
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If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
A woman who won't do what she's told
-------------------------------------------------------------------
I married a Miss Right.

I just didn't know her first name was Always.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%.
It's called a Wedding Cake.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
In the beginning, God created the earth and rested.
Then God created Man and rested.
Then God created Woman.
Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.

sent by an American friend who is a woman

[Hardy]

True story.  A friend of mine was standing at a bus stop. There was one other person in front of him – a lad of about twenty. A tough looking hardchaw comes walking along, stops and stammers to the lad, "w-w-wha-what t-t-ti-time is it?"

The lad ignores him completely. So your man asks again "w-w-wha-what b-b-b-blee-bleedin t-t-ti-time is it?"

At this stage my friend intervenes – "its ten to four" and hardchaw stares at the other lad for a while before walking off. When he was gone, my friend asked the lad – "do you mind me asking – why didn't you answer him?".

"I d-d-d-didn't w-w-w-want t-t-to g-g-get m-m-me head k-k-kicked in!".

[Armagh4SamAgain]

  Hardy grate!!

A man goes to the Dr an says I don't feel well ive just eat a bar of soap. The Dr said  That's life boy.

[Homer]

A man walks into a bar, and half his head is an orange.

He sits down, orders a drink. The bartender eyes him warily, but gets him what he wants. The man sits sipping the drink, idly watching the soccer game on the bar television. After a while, he runs dry and orders another.

"Tell you what," says the bartender, "this next one's on the house -- but you've got to tell me what happened to your head. I don't mean to be rude there, but..."

The man smiles. "No, not at all. I get this all the time.

Well, it started with the Gulf War. I was a young kid fresh out of high school, but I was poor. I needed money for college, and the Army looked like a good way out of the ghetto. But then they shipped me over to Kuwait. My platoon took some heavy fire during Desert Storm, and I was separated from them.

I wandered the desert for days, with only the contents of my pack to sustain me. I ran out of water, I ran out of food. I was desperate, on the virge of death -- when suddenly, I saw a glint of metal in the distance...

I forced myself onward, hoping the shining brightness was a glint of gunmetal from my platoon, or a city on the horizon, or anything. When I finally reached it, it was a piece of metal half-burried in the sand. I dug around it and excavated what appeared to be an old Persian oil lamp.

There was an inscription on the lamp, too covered in dust to read. I rubbed at the embossed lettering -- and then, a swirl of smoke and light surrounded me. Suddenly, before me, stood a ten-foot tall being, dressed in traditional Arabian garb, arms crossed.

'I am the Djinni of the lamp,' said the entity. 'For releasing me, I shall grant you three wishes. What is your first wish, my master?'

I was incredulous, of course. I deduced I must be hallucinating, that this was desert madness. I decided to test the mirage. 'Alright,' I tasked it, 'I wish for a wallet with a million dollars in it, that I can never lose, and whenever I take any money out of it the sum is immediately replenished.'

'Your wish is granted!' boomed the Djinni. I felt a bluge in one of my uniform pockets. Reaching in, I pulled out a new wallet, stuffed to bursting with crisp, new American bills. I counted them -- sure enough, it was a million dollars. I ripped up the bills, cast them to the four winds, and threw the wallet as hard as I could. The moment it was beyond my sight, it teleported instantaneously back to my pocket, refilled with another million dollars.

'What is you second wish, my master?'

I pondered the notion for a long moment, assessing my needs. 'Djinni,' I said, 'for my second wish, I want to be transported to a cool, abandoned palace, into a harem room with a hundred beautiful young virgins who will all fall madly in love with me at first sight, before a buffet table set with a feast fit for a king.'

'Your wish is granted!' Poof! I found myself in a royal harem, escaped from the heat of the desert. All around me, nubile girls eyed me with keen interest. In front of me, every conceivable type of meat was roasted to perfect tenderness, set with all the appetizers, side-dishes, salads, soups, and desserts of the four corners of the globe.

I dined until I was near-bloated, and then I had a lot of sex. I mean a lot. Several hours later, laying upon a bed of feathers, brown and blonde and red haired beauties nuzzling into me like puppies at their mother's underbelly, the Djinni stood before me, looking down in satisfaction at his work so far.

'What is your third wish, my master?'

I thought long and hard. Truly, this last wish tasked the very limits of my imagination, my beliefs, my ethics, my philosophy. Hours passed in silence, save for the gentle snoring of the ladies surrounding me.

At last, I spoke.

'Djinni, for my third wish, I want half my head to be an orange.'"

[Armagh4SamAgain]

Thats a very good post. it shoud serve as  a remmmder for all of us.

[heganboy]

Where did the 7th dwarf go?

[guy crouchback]

HOW TO TICK PEOPLE OFF

   1. Leave the copy machine set to reduce 200%, extra dark, 17 inch paper, 99 copies.
   2. In the memo field of all your checks, write "for sexual favors."
   3. Specify that your drive-through order is "TO-GO."
   4. If you have a glass eye, tap on it occasionally with your pen while talking to others.
   5. Stomp on little plastic ketchup packets.
   6. Insist on keeping your car windshield wipers running in all weather conditions "to keep them tuned up."
   7. Reply to everything someone says with "that's what you think."
   8. Practice making fax and modem noises.
   9. Highlight irrelevant information in scientific papers and "cc" them to your boss.
  10. Make beeping noises when a large person backs up.
  11. Finish all your sentences with the words "in accordance with prophesy."
  12. Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears and grimacing.
  13. Disassemble your pen and "accidentally" flip the ink cartridge across the room.
  14. Holler random numbers while someone is counting.
  15. Adjust the tint on your TV so that all the people are green, and insist to others that you "like it that way."
  16. Staple pages in the middle of the page.
  17. Publicly investigate just how slowly you can make a croaking noise.
  18. Honk and wave to strangers.
  19. Decline to be seated at a restaurant, and simply eat their complimentary mints at the cash register.
  20. TYPE IN UPPERCASE.
  21. type only in lowercase.
  22. dont use any punctuation either
  23. Buy a large quantity of orange traffic cones and reroute whole streets.
  24. Repeat the following conversation a dozen times.
      "DO YOU HEAR THAT?"
      "What?"
      "Never mind, it's gone now."
  25. As much as possible, skip rather than walk.
  26. Try playing the William Tell Overture by tapping on the bottom of your chin. When nearly done, announce "No, wait, I messed it up," and repeat.
  27. Ask people what gender they are.
  28. While making presentations, occasionally bob your head like a parakeet.
  29. Sit in your front yard pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.
  30. Sing along at the opera.
  31. Go to a poetry recital and ask why each poem doesn't rhyme.
  32. Ask your co-workers mysterious questions and then scribble their answers in a notebook. Mutter something about "psychological profiles."

   
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