Corny One for Friday

[Hardy]

[armaghniac]

What's the difference between Man United and Ebola?

Ebola's managed to get into Europe

[seafoid]

What's the difference between Man United and Ebola?

Ebola's managed to get into Europe

and it's coherent

[Orior]

Why do you never see Black people onboard sea cruise ships?

They're not going to fall for that trick again.

[armaghniac]

A man was dining in a fancy restaurant and there was a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He had been checking her out since he sat down, but lacked the nerve to speak to her.

Suddenly she sneezed, and her glass eye came flying out of its socket toward the man. He reflexively reached out, grabbed it out of the air, and handed it back.

'Oh my, I am so sorry,' the woman said as she popped her eye back in place...


'Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you,' she said.

They enjoyed a wonderful dinner together, and afterward went to the theatre and later had drinks. They talked, they laughed, she shared her deepest dreams and he shared his. She listened.

After paying for everything, she asked him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast. They had a wonderful, wonderful time.

The next morning, she cooked a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy was amazed. Everything had been SO incredible! 'You know,' he said, 'you are the perfect woman. Do you treat every guy you meet this way?'

'No,' she replied ...








'You just happened to catch my eye!'

[armaghniac]

My mate can't believe his luck.

He's just been given tickets to the recording of this week's Top Gear...

[Agent Orange]

Which of these English cities shares its name with the Icelandic singer, and former member of the Sugarcubes?

a) Bradford
b) York
c) Leeds

[Billys Boots]

An Engineer was unemployed for long time. He could not find a job so he opened a medical clinic and puts a sign up outside: "Get your treatment for £500, if not treated get back £1,000."

One Lawyer thinks this is a good opportunity to earn £1,000 and goes to his clinic.

Lawyer: "I have lost taste in my mouth."
Engineer: "Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient's mouth."
Lawyer: "This is Petrol!"
Engineer: "Congratulations! You've got your taste back. That will be £500."

The Lawyer gets annoyed and goes back after a couple of days later to recover his money.
Lawyer: "I have lost my memory, I cannot remember anything."
Engineer: "Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient's mouth."
Lawyer: "But that is Petrol!"
Engineer: "Congratulations! You've got your memory back. That will be £500."

The Lawyer leaves angrily and comes back after several more days.
Lawyer: "My eyesight has become weak."
Engineer: "Well, I don't have any medicine for this. Take this £1,000."
Lawyer: "But this is £500..."
Engineer: "Congratulations! You got your vision back!
That will be £500."

[armaghniac]

What's Jeremy Clarkson's favourite drink?

Punch.

[Over the Bar]

Posted by: armaghniac
« on: Today at 02:25:47 AM » Insert Quote
What's Jeremy Clarkson's favourite drink?

Punch.

Sorry this is a thread for jokes. 

[illdecide]

A teacher was working with a group of children, trying to broaden their horizons through sensory perception. She brought in a variety of lifesavers and said, "Children, I'd like you to close your eyes and taste these." The kids easily identified the taste of cherries, lemons and mint, but when the teacher gave them honey-flavored lifesavers, all of the kids were stumped. I'll give you a hint," said the teacher.  "It's something your mommy probably calls your daddy all the time." Instantly, Little Johnny coughed his onto the floor and shouted, "Quick!  Spit'em out!  They're assholes!"

[laoislad]

The wife texted today to say she was in Casualty.
I came home from work and watched all 50 minutes of it but didn't see her on it once.
She's still not home.
I'm starving.

[BarryBreensBandage]

Why did the Mexican push his wife off the cliff?






Tequila.

[Niall Quinn]

I've a ninedency to understate things.

[50fiftyball]

I like my women like I like my bath water,

Hot enough so that I can only stay in for 30 seconds.