Corny One for Friday

[FL/MAYO]

Over the past few weeks, my wife has been looking into international cell phone plans. At the Verizon Wireless Web site, she had an online chat with a sales representative. I feel compelled to share this verbatim transcript:

A Verizon Wireless online pre-sales specialist has joined the chat. You are now chatting with chelsea.
chelsea: Hello. Thank you for visiting our chat service. May I help you with your order today?
You: I am interested in the international BlackBerry and am looking for detailed information for rates on data and voice when making calls from different countries in Asia.
chelsea: Please hold on while I check that information.
chelsea: Unfortunately you will not be able to use the phone in Asia.
chelsea: I do apologize.
You: Hmm. OK. Actually am nearly certain the international BlackBerry can be used everywhere but Japan.
chelsea: I'm sorry for the delay. I'll be right with you.
chelsea: I will be right with you.
chelsea: I just tried to look for Asia in the countries list, and it was unavailable.
You: Yeah. Asia is more of a continent than a country (like Europe—not a country, France—a country). I'll stop by a store I guess and try to figure it out.
chelsea: Ok.
chelsea: Thank you for visiting Verizon Wireless, I look forward to speaking with you again. Have a great day!
Your chat session has been ended by your Verizon Wireless online agent.

Chelsea seemed pretty eager to get out of there at the end. Unfailingly polite, though.

[Bud Wiser]

I am not fluent in the Gaelic but you will get the gist of this.

A Kerry sheep farmer is walking across his fields when he comes upon an English hiker lying down on his belly beside a river/stream.  He has one hand on the bank and with the other hand he is scooping water up and drinking it.  The farmer says:

Na bi ag ol an uisce seo as an abhainn seo, ta siad a lan .... (stop drinking that water it is full of sheep shit)

And the English man says " I say old boy, could you repeat that in the Queens English"

And the old farmer said: "Ah I was just saying there that if you cup both hands together you will be able to swallow a lot more"

[illdecide]

FW: Blonde joke....
>
>
>Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with those expensive
>double-pane energy-efficient kind.
>
>
>Yesterday, I got a call from the contractor who installed them.
>He was complaining that the windows had been installed a whole year ago
>and I hadn't paid for them yet.
>
Hellloooo? Now just because I'm blonde doesn't mean that I am automatically stupid. So I told him just exactly what his fast-
>talking sales guy had told ME last year... namely, that in just ONE
>YEAR these windows would pay for themselves!
>
"Helllooooo"? (I told him). "It's been a year"
>
>There was only silence at the other end of the line, so I finally just
>hung up....

[illdecide]

THE PREACHER IS MOVING
>>
>> A Preacher was explaining that he must move on to a larger
>> congregation that will pay him more. There is a hush within the
>> congregation,.....no one wants him to leave.
>>
>>
>>
>> Joe Smith, who owns several car dealerships in the City stands up and

>> proclaims, ... "If the Preacher stays, I will provide him with a new
>> Cadillac every year, and his wife with a Honda mini-van to transport
>> their children!"
>>
>> The congregation sighs in relief, and applauds.
>>
>>
>>
>> Sam Brown, a successful entrepreneur and investor, stands and
>> says,...."If the Preacher will stay on here, I will personally double

>> his salary, and also establish a foundation to guarantee the college
>> education of all his children!" More sighs and loud applause.
>>
>>
>>
>> Sadie Jones, age 88, stands and announces with a smile, "If the
>> Preacher stays, ... I will give him sex!" There is total silence.
>>
>>
>>
>> The Preacher, blushing, asks her, "Mrs. Jones, whatever possessed you

>> to say that?" Sadie's 90 year old husband, Jake, is now trying to
>> hide, holding his forehead with the palm of his hand, and shaking his

>> head from side to side, while his wife replies, "Well, I just asked
>> my husband how we could help, and he said, ... "Screw the Preacher!"
>>
>>
>>
>> P.S. Isn't senility something else?'
>>
>> Lord, Keep your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth!

[Orior]

Someone offered me eight legs of venison for £50 last night.

Do you think that's two deer?

[ardal]

Someone offered me eight legs of venison for £50 last night.

Do you think that's two deer?

I'm a vegetarian so I've no eye deer (where's me coat)

[stephenite]

Q. What Nationality is Mr. Sheen?






A. Polish

[Orior]

For the love of God, will someone please think of the children!

[Orior]

I want to be a redneck like ONeill.

http://myredneckworld.com/

[illdecide]

A newlywed couple had only been married for two weeks.  The husband, although very much  in love, couldn't wait to go out on the town and party with his old  buddies. So, he said to his new wife: "Honey, I'll be right back."

"Where are you going, coochy cooh?" asked the wife.

"I'm going to the bar to have a beer, pretty face" he replied

"You want a beer, my love?" asked the wife, opening the door to the refrigerator and showing him 5 different kinds of beer, brands from 5
different countries: Germany, Holland, Japan, India, etc.

The husband didn't know what to do, and the only thing that he could think of saying was:

"Yes, lollypop...but at the bar...you know...they have frozen glasses..."

He didn't get to finish the sentence, because the wife interrupted him.
"You want a frozen glass, puppy face?" and so saying she took a huge beer mug out of the freezer, so frozen that she was getting chills just holding it.

The husband, looking a bit pale, said: "Yes, tootsie roll, but at the bar they have those hors d'oeuvres that are really delicious...  I won't be long, I'll be right back.  I promise.  OK?"

"You want hors d'oeuvres, poochi pooh?" She opened the oven and took out 5 dishes of different hors d'oeuvres: chicken wings, pigs in blankets, mushroom caps, pork strips, etc.

"But my sweet honey...  at the bar...   you know...   there's swearing, dirty words and all that..."

"You want dirty words, cutie pie?.  "WELL LISTEN UP, DICKHEAD!  DRINK YOUR f**king BEER IN YOUR GODDAMN FROZEN MUG AND EAT YOUR MOTHERFUCKING SNACKS, BECAUSE YOU ARE MARRIED NOW, AND YOU AREN'T GOING ANYWHERE!  GOT IT, ASSHOLE?"   

and, they lived  happily ever  after.

[Gaoth Dobhair Abu]

An Irishman walking through a field sees a man drinking water from a pool
With his hand. The Irishman shouts "Na ol an t-uisce, ta sé lan de chac
bo" (Don't drink the water, it's full of cowshit.) The man shouts back
"I'm English, speak English, I don't understand you". The Irishman shouts
back "Use both hands, you'll get more in."

[The Real Laoislad]

[illdecide]

Sign over a Gynecologist's Office:
                 "Dr. Jones, at your cervix."
          ******************************
In a Podiatrist's office:
"Time wounds all heels."
         ******************************
On a Septic Tank Truck in Oregon:
"Yesterday's Meals on Wheels"
         ******************************
At a Proctologist's door:
"To expedite your visit please back in."
         ******************************
On a Plumber's truck:
"Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber."
******************************
At a Tire Shop in Milwaukee :
"Invite us to your next blowout."
******************************
At a Towing company:!
"We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows."
**************************
On an Electrician's truck:
"Let us remove your shorts."
**************************
On a Maternity Room door:
"Push. Push. Push."
**************************
At an Optometrist's Office
"If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place."
**************************
On a Taxidermist's window:
"We really know our stuff."
*************************
On a Fence:
"Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive.! "
         ******************************
At a Car Dealership:
"The best way to get back on your feet -- miss a car payment."
         ****************************
Outside a Muffler Shop:
"No appointment necessary. We hear you coming."
**************************
IN a Veterinarian's waiting room:
"Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"
**************************
At the Electric Company:
"We would be delighted if you send in your payment.
However, if you don't, you will be."
**************************
In a Restaurant window:
"Don't stand there and be hungry, Come on in and get fed up."
**************************
In the front yard of a Funeral Home:
"Drive carefully. We'll wait."

******************************
At a Propane Filling Station,
"Thank heaven for little grills."
**************************
At a Chicago Radiator Shop:
"Best place in town to take a leak

[illdecide]

Do you have feelings of inadequacy?
Do you suffer from shyness?
Do you sometimes wish you were more assertive?
If you answered yes to any of these questions, ask your doctor or pharmacist about White Wine.


White Wine is the safe, natural way to feel better and more confident about yourself and your actions. White Wine can help ease you out of your shyness and let you tell the world that you're ready and willing to do just about anything.


You will notice the benefits of White Wine almost immediately, and with a regiment of regular doses you can overcome any obstacles that prevent you from living the life you want to live. Shyness and awkwardness will be a thing of the past, and you will discover many talents you never knew you had. Stop hiding and start living, with White Wine.


White Wine may not be right for everyone. Women who are pregnant or nursing should not use White Wine. However, women who wouldn't mind nursing or becoming pregnant are encouraged to try it.


Side effects may include dizziness, nausea, vomiting, incarceration, erotic lustfulness, loss of motor control, loss of clothing, loss of money, loss of virginity, delusions of grandeur, table dancing, headache, dehydration, dry mouth, and a desire to sing Karaoke and play all-night rounds of Strip Poker, Truth Or Dare, and Naked Twister.


WARNING:
The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.
The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a retard.
The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them.
The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing.
The  consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at four in the morning.
The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people.
The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.

[BallyLad]

The Pastor's Ass
>>
>>
>>
>>    The pastor entered his donkey in a race and it won.
>>
>>    The pastor was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the
race again, and it won again.
>>
>>
>>      The local paper read:
>>
>>
>>    PASTOR'S ASS OUT FRONT.
>>
>>      The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered
the pastor not   to enter the donkey in another race.
>>
>>
>>      The next day, the local paper headline read:
>>
>>
>>>>BISHOP SCRATCHES PASTOR'S ASS.
>>
>>      This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the pastor to get
rid of the    donkey.
>>
>>
>>      The pastor decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent.
>>
>>      The local paper, hearing of the news, posted the following headline
the next day:
>>
>>>>
>>  NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN.
>>
>>  The bishop fainted.
>>
>>      He informed the nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey, so
she sold it to   a farmer for $10.
>>
>>
>>
>>      The next day the paper read:
>>
>>      NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10.
>>
>>
>>      This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the nun to buy back
the donkey and   lead it to the plains where it could run wild.
>>
>>
>>
>>The next day the headlines read:
>>
>>NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE.
>>
>>      The bishop was buried the next day.
>>
>>
>>      The moral of the story is . . . being concerned about public opinion
can bring you    much grief and misery . . even shorten your life.
>>