Corny One for Friday

[Homer]

A man walked into a very high-tech bar. As he sat down on a stool he noticed that the bartender was a robot.

The robot clicked to attention and asked, "Sir, what will you have?" The man thought a moment then replied "A martini please."

The robot clicked a couple of times and mixed the best martini the man had ever had.

The robot then asked, "Sir, what is your IQ?"
The man answered "Oh, about 164."

The robot then proceeded to discuss the theory of relativity, inter-stellar space travel, the latest medical breakthroughs, etc...

The man was most impressed. He left the bar but thought he would try a different tack.

He returned and took a seat.

Again the robot clicked and asked what he would have? "A martini please."
Again it was superb. The robot again asked "What is your IQ sir?"

This time the man answered , "Oh about 100". So the robot started discussing Top Gear, the latest football scores, and what to expect of the championship season.

The guy had to try it one more time.

So he left, returned and took a stool.... Again a martini, and the question, "What is your IQ?"

This time the man slowly drawled out " Uh..... bout 10".

The robot clicked then leaned close and very slowly asked,

"A-r-e...



y-o-u-r...



p-e-o-p-l-e...



h-a-p-p-y...



w-i-t-h...



B-a-b-s ?"

[Orior]

The robot clicked then leaned close and very slowly asked,

"A-r-e...



y-o-u-r...



p-e-o-p-l-e...



h-a-p-p-y...



w-i-t-h...



B-a-b-s ?"

Geez, imagine making fun of Tipp people.

[illdecide]

An eskimo was riding his snowmobile when it broke down. He got off, and noticed a gas station nearby.
He went over, got the mechanic and brought him over to the machine. The mechanic bent down, fiddled with the motor, looked back up and said to the eskimo," It looks like  you just blew a Fucken seal."

"No," f**k Off said the eskimo, "that's just Bleeding frost on my moustache."

[illdecide]

A man appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.

"Have you ever done anything of particular merit?" St. Peter asked.

"Well, I can think of one thing," the man offered.

"Once, on a trip to the Black Hills out in South Dakota, I came upon a
gang of bikers, who were threatening a young woman. I directed them to
leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen. So, I approached the largest
and most heavily tattooed biker and smacked him in his face, kicked his
bike over, ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on the ground.  I
yelled, "Now, back off!! Or I'll kick the shit out of all of you!"

St. Peter was impressed, "When did this happen?"

"Just a couple of minutes ago..."

[illdecide]

catholic blonde

On their honeymoon, the blonde bride slipped into a sexy nightie and
with great anticipation, crawled into bed, only to find that her new
Catholic husband had settled down on the couch.
When she asked him why he was apparently not going to make love to
her, he replied, "It's Lent."
In tears, she remarked, "Well, that is the most ridiculous thing I
have ever heard! Who did you lend it to, and for how long?"

[illdecide]

A man in a hot air balloon realized he was lost. He reduced altitude and
spotted a woman below. He descended a bit more and shouted,

"Excuse me,can you help me ? I promised a friend I would meet him an
hour ago but I don't know where I am."

The woman below replied, "You're in a hot air balloon hovering
approximately 30 feet above the ground. You're between 40 and 41
degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude."


"You must be in Information Technology," said the balloonist. "I am,"
replied the woman, "how did you know?"

"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically
correct, but I've no idea what to make of your information and the fact
is I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help at all. If
anything, you've delayed my trip."

The woman below responded, "You must be in Management."

"I am," replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?"

"Well," said the woman, "you don't know where you are or where you're
going. You have risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot
air. You made a promise, which you've no idea how to keep, and you
expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in
exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow,
it's my f**king fault."

[Orior]

A man goes to the see the doctor and says " I have a bit of a problem, Doc. After I
masturbate I always start to sing 'The Boys From the County Armagh'."
"Don't worry", replies the doctor. "A lot of wankers sing that." 

That was fantastic!
It was brilliant.
It was pretty good.
Well, I kinda liked it.
It was average.
Well, it wasn't that bad.
It was awful.
That was terrible.
Boo!!
Feck off 5 Sams!

[illdecide]

>>>>>The Man and the Ostrich
>>>>>>
>>>>>>
>>>>>>A man walks into a  restaurant with a full-grown Ostrich behind
>>>>>>him. The
>>>>>>waitress asks  them for their orders.
>>>>>>
>>>>>>The man says, 'A hamburger, fries  and a coke,' and turns to
>>>>>>the ostrich,
>>>>>>'What's  yours?'
>>>>>>
>>>>>>'I'll have the same,' says the  Ostrich.
>>>>>>
>>>>>>A short time later the waitress returns with the  order. 'That
>>>>>>will be
>>>>>>$9.40
>>>>>>please,' and the man  reaches into his pocket and pulls out the
>>>>>>exact
>>>>>>change for  payment.
>>>>>>
>>>>>>The next day, the man and the Ostrich come again  and the man
>>>>>>says, 'A
>>>>>>Hamburger, fries and a  coke.'
>>>>>>
>>>>>>The Ostrich says, 'I'll have the same.' Again the  man reaches
>>>>>>into his
>>>>>>pocket and pays with exact  change.
>>>>>>
>>>>>>This becomes routine until the two enter again.  'The usual?'
>>>>>>asks the
>>>>>>waitress.
>>>>>>
>>>>>>'No, this is Friday  night, so I will have a steak, baked
>>>>>>potato and a
>>>>>>Salad,' says the  man.
>>>>>>
>>>>>>'Same,' says the Ostrich.
>>>>>>
>>>>>>Shortly the  waitress brings the order and says, 'That will be
>>>>>>$32.62.'
>>>>>>
>>>>>>Once again the man pulls the exact change out of  his pocket
>>>>>>and places it
>>>>>>on the table.
>>>>>>
>>>>>>The waitress  cannot hold back her curiosity any longer.
>>>>>>'Excuse me, sir.
>>>>>>How do  you manage to always come up with the exact change in
>>>>>>your pocket
>>>>>>every time?'
>>>>>>
>>>>>>'Well,' says the man, 'several  years ago I was cleaning the
>>>>>>attic and found
>>>>>>an old lamp. When I  rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered me
>>>>>>two
>>>>>>Wishes. My first  wish was that if I ever had to pay for
>>>>>>anything, I would
>>>>>>just put  my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money
>>>>>>would always
>>>>>>be  there.'
>>>>>>
>>>>>>'That's brilliant!' says the waitress. 'Most people  would ask
>>>>>>for a million
>>>>>>dollars or something, but you'll always be  as rich as you want
>>>>>>for as long
>>>>>>as you  live!'
>>>>>>
>>>>>>'That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a  Rolls Royce,
>>>>>>the exact
>>>>>>money is always there,' says the  man.
>>>>>>
>>>>>>The Waitress asks, 'What's with the  Ostrich?'
>>>>>>
>>>>>>The man sighs, pauses and answers, 'My second  wish was  for a
>>>>>>tall chick
>>>>>>with a big ass and long legs who  agrees with everything I 
>>>>>>say.'

[illdecide]

Taliban suicide bomber pulls the plug and
explodes.......................BOOM!!!
 
A short while later he finds himself on a huge white staircase leading towards the heavens, so he starts climbing up. After an hour of hard climbing, he arrives at a landing where an old man
in white robes with a long flowing beard is sitting surrounded by ledgers.   
 
'Excuse me sir' he says 'are you Mohammed?' 'No' replies the old man, 'I am St Peter, Mohammed is further up the stairs'.
'But this is wonderful news' screams the bomber, 'Mohammed is higher than St Peter! I can hardly believe it'.

With this he carries on climbing up the stairs. After an hour or so of hard
climbing he arrives at another landing. Standing on the landing is a serene
looking man with long hair and a long white beard.
 
'Excuse me sir' he says 'are you Mohammed?' 'No' replies the old man, 'I am Jesus, Mohammed is
further up the stairs'.
'But this is amazing news' screams the bomber, 'Mohammed is higher than Jesus! I can hardly believe it, martyrdom is wonderful!!!!!.
 
With this he carries on climbing up the stairs. After another hour or so of hard climbing he arrives on a huge landing. There, sitting on a magnificent throne is another old man, with flowing white
robes, beard and long white hair.

'Excuse me sir' he says 'are you Mohammed?'
'No' replies the old man, 'I am God.'
'But this is absolutely amazing news' screams the bomber, 'Mohammed is higher than God! I am so happy I can't believe it, martyrdom is more than wonderful!!!!!'.
 
'You look tired my son' said God 'would you like to sit down and rest a while?'
'Oh yes' replied the bomber 'I am very tired and would love a rest before I carry on, thank you'. The bomber sits down and God says 'You look thirsty my son, would you like a cup of coffee?'
'Oh yes please' replies the bomber 'I am most thirsty, thank you'.
 
With this God turns and snaps his fingers and shouts
 
'Oy, Mohammed, two coffees over here, and make it snappy!!'

[illdecide]

Subject: " fifty quid is fifty quid."



Morris and his wife Esther went to the state fair every

year, and every  year Morris would say, "Esther, I'd like to ride

in that helicopter."

Esther always replied, "I know Morris, but that helicopter

ride is fifty quid, and fifty quid is fifty quid."

One year Esther and Morris went to the fair, and Morris

said, "Esther, I'm 85 years old. If I don't ride that helicopter, I

might never get another chance."

To this, Esther replied, "Morris that helicopter is fifty

quid,and fifty quid is fifty quid."

The pilot overheard the couple and said, "Folks I'll make

you   a   deal. I'll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay

quiet

for the entire ride and not say a word, I won't charge you! But if

you  say   one word, it's fifty quid."



     

      Morris and Esther agreed and up they went. The pilot did all 

      kinds of fancy manoeuvres, but not a word was heard. He did his

      daredevil tricks over and over again, but still not a word. When

      they landed, the pilot turned to Morris and said, "By golly, I

did

      everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't. I'm

      impressed!"

      Morris replied, "Well, to tell you the truth, I almost said

      something when Esther fell out, but you know, fifty quid is

fifty

      quid."

[illdecide]

AT A CHINESE RESTAURANT

A couple go for a meal at a Chinese restaurant and order the "Chicken Surprise." The waiter brings the meal, served in a lidded cast iron pot.
Just as the wife is about to serve herself, the lid of the pot rises slightly and she briefly sees two beady little eyes looking around before the lid slams back down.

"Good grief, did you see that?" she asks her husband.
He hasn't, so she asks him to look in the pot. He reaches for it and again the lid rises, and he sees two little eyes looking around before it slams down.

Rather perturbed, he calls the waiter over, explains what is happening, and demands an explanation.

"Please sir," says the waiter, "what you order?"

The husband replies, "Chicken Surprise."

(You're going to love this....................)
scroll down

keep going..........



"Ah... so sorry," says the waiter, "I bring you Peeking Duck"

[illdecide]

Subject: Billy Connolly


Billy Connolly's take on the terrorists hitting

Glasgow...






"Good old Glasgow. If I had to pick a city in the

world where I could depend on one of the locals to

kick a man who was on fire, it would always be

Glasgow. That really had to hurt - 90% burns and sore

bollocks...






I think we should get a photo of that guy KICKING A

FLAMING MAN, blow it up and make it the welcome sign

at Glasgow Airport. Underneath we should have the

words 'Glasgow Welcomes Careful Drivers'...






I love the naivety of al-Qaeda. For trying to bring a

religious war to Glasgow. You're 400 years too late

guys!! You've not even got a Football Team for Christ's

sake... I think that we should give Partick Thistle to

al-Qaeda. If only for the joy of hearing them read out

their team sheet on Saturday...






The Sun last week urged us all to respond to the

attack by flying the Union Jack. Really, in Glasgow

that's never been a great way of getting your

insurance premiums down...






If we play this whole terrorism thing right, we could

get al-Qaeda to blow up some of Scotland's eyesores. I

think we should definitely start putting signs up

round Shettleston's high flats that say 'Financial

Quarter'...






For a while, confusion reigned at Glasgow airport. Was

it a terrorist attack or just Richard Hammond turning

up late for check-in?






People say it was lucky they didn't crash into a fuel

container. I say it's lucky they didn't hit the queue

coming out of Duty Free - the whole place would have

gone up like Hiroshima...






The best bit is being told that hundreds of people

were saved from being hideously burnt...these were

Scottish people flying to Spain! They'll come back

looking like they've been bungee jumping off the lip

of a volcano!"

[southdown]

This is very corny...

Q. Why is there no TVs in Afghanistan?

A. Because of the Tele-ban.

[SammyG]

Subject: Billy Connolly


Billy Connolly's take on the terrorists hitting

Glasgow...






"Good old Glasgow. If I had to pick a city in the

world where I could depend on one of the locals to

kick a man who was on fire, it would always be

Glasgow. That really had to hurt - 90% burns and sore

bollocks...






I think we should get a photo of that guy KICKING A

FLAMING MAN, blow it up and make it the welcome sign

at Glasgow Airport. Underneath we should have the

words 'Glasgow Welcomes Careful Drivers'...






I love the naivety of al-Qaeda. For trying to bring a

religious war to Glasgow. You're 400 years too late

guys!! You've not even got a Football Team for Christ's

sake... I think that we should give Partick Thistle to

al-Qaeda. If only for the joy of hearing them read out

their team sheet on Saturday...






The Sun last week urged us all to respond to the

attack by flying the Union Jack. Really, in Glasgow

that's never been a great way of getting your

insurance premiums down...






If we play this whole terrorism thing right, we could

get al-Qaeda to blow up some of Scotland's eyesores. I

think we should definitely start putting signs up

round Shettleston's high flats that say 'Financial

Quarter'...






For a while, confusion reigned at Glasgow airport. Was

it a terrorist attack or just Richard Hammond turning

up late for check-in?






People say it was lucky they didn't crash into a fuel

container. I say it's lucky they didn't hit the queue

coming out of Duty Free - the whole place would have

gone up like Hiroshima...






The best bit is being told that hundreds of people

were saved from being hideously burnt...these were

Scottish people flying to Spain! They'll come back

looking like they've been bungee jumping off the lip

of a volcano!"

It is very funny but it was actually a Frankie Boyle routine not a Billy Connolly one.

[Orior]

Catholics et al.

Too busy for confession? Try my great new online service. I'm playing the role of God for the next few days and will get back to you immediately with answers to your questions. Dont type in anything rude or I'll zap your keyboard with 1000 volts of electricity.

Dublin northsiders, tyrone and longford people shouldn't bother because you're well past saving anyway.

http://www.titane.ca/concordia/dfar251/igod/main.html