Corny One for Friday

[gallsman]

This is good.

http://www.tickld.com/x/i-wish-this-man-was-my-father-hes-hilarious

Excellent. Why is this hilarious guy operating in relative obscurity while the unfunny likes of Ricky f**king Gervais pollute our TV screens?

He's pretty well known actually - has a website with all of his "interactions", a good number of which are superior to the above:

http://www.27bslash6.com/

[Hardy]

Thanks, gallsman. Some of the weekend's entertainment sorted.

[Gold]

This is good.

http://www.tickld.com/x/i-wish-this-man-was-my-father-hes-hilarious

Excellent. Why is this hilarious guy operating in relative obscurity while the unfunny likes of Ricky f**king Gervais pollute our TV screens?

Quality

He's pretty well known actually - has a website with all of his "interactions", a good number of which are superior to the above:

http://www.27bslash6.com/

[ziggy90]

This is good.

http://www.tickld.com/x/i-wish-this-man-was-my-father-hes-hilarious

Couldn't stop laughing reading this, brilliant.

[Orior]

Thank God for the church ladies with typewriters. These sentences actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced at church services:

The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.

Scouts are saving aluminium cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.

The sermon this morning: 'Jesus Walks on the Water.' The sermon tonight: 'Searching for Jesus.'

Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husband

Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.

Miss Charlene Mason sang 'I will not pass this way again,' giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.

For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.

Next Thursday there will be try-outs for the choir. They need all the help they can get.

Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.

A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.

At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be 'What Is Hell?' Come early and listen to our choir practice.

Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.

Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered..

The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.

Pot-luck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow.

The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.

This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.

The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the Congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.

Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.

The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.

Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.

And this one just about sums them all up...

The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new campaign slogan last Sunday:  'I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours.'

[Windmill abu]

Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.

[Lecale2]

Very good!

[Hardy]

(Milton Jones)

Cats. Some people hate them, some people love them. Some people are completely obsessed with them. I was reading somewhere that the Pope is a cat-aholic.

[muppet]

(Milton Jones)

Cats. Some people hate them, some people love them. Some people are completely obsessed with them. I was reading somewhere that the Pope is a cat-aholic.

Ruff.

[Muzz]

First day on the Job

A young guy from North Dakota moves to Florida and goes to a big "everything under one roof" department store looking for a job.

The Manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?" The kid says "Yeah. I was a vacuum salesman back in North Dakota."

Well, the boss was unsure, but he liked the kid and figured he'd give him a shot, so he gave him the job.

"You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did."


His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down to the sales floor.

"How many customers bought something from you today?" The kid frowns and looks at the floor and mutters, "One". The boss says "Just one?!!? Our sales people average sales to 20 to 30 customers a day.

That will have to change, and soon, if you'd like to continue your employment here. We have very strict standards for our sales force here in Florida. One sale a day might have been acceptable in North Dakota, but you're not on the farm anymore, son."

The kid took his beating, but continued to look at his shoes, so the boss felt kinda bad for chewing him out on his first day. He asked (semi-sarcastically), "So, how much was your one sale for?"


The kid looks up at his boss and says "$101,237.65".


The boss, astonished, says $101,237.65?!? What the heck did you sell?"


The kid says, "Well, first, I sold him some new fish hooks. Then I sold him a new fishing rod to go with his new hooks. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast, so I told him he was going to need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him a twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4x4 Expedition."


The boss said "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and a TRUCK!?"


The kid said "No, the guy came in here to buy tampons for his wife, and I said, 'Dude, your weekend's shot, you should go fishing."

[Denn Forever]

A Teacher teaches phonic s and asks the class to give her a word that starts with A.

Little John puts up his hand.

Arse he  says.

That is right but we don't use that word. Can any one give me a word starting with B. Only John's hand goes up.  Bollix he says and the class burst out laughing.

Yes John but that is a very bad word.

She has started the game and doesn't want to give John a chance to use a C word. Can you give me a word that starts with D

Again John's hand goes up.  A Dwarf miss.
That is a very  good word. Do you know what it means?

Yes Miss, its one  of those short c*nts you some times see.

[All of a Sludden]

I see that in the US they're complaining about halal meat.

They want their meat to be killed the American way. Seriously, what are the chances of a cow enrolling in high school and being shot by a classmate?

[ONeill]

FFS

[Hardy]

A rabbit walks into a pub and says to the barman, "Can I have a pint of beer and a ham-and-cheese
toastie?" The barman is amazed but goes ahead and gives the rabbit his pint and a ham-and-cheese
toastie. The rabbit drinks the beer and eats the toastie and leaves.

The following night the rabbit comes in again and asks for a pint of beer and a ham-and-cheese
toastie. Once again, the barman gives the rabbit the pint and the toastie. The rabbit consumes them
and leaves.

This continues, night after night. The rabbit becomes a regular and the pub's business grows massively
as people come from miles around to see the rabbit and watch him drink his beer and eat his toasties.

One night, the rabbit finishes his toastie and announces, "You know, that tasted so good, I'm gonna have another".

"Sure," says the barman, but after a minute he comes back and says, "Sorry about this, rabbit, but we've no ham left".

"Hmm," says the rabbit, "I'm a rabbit. I shouldn't do this, but feck it. Any onions?".

"I think so," says the barman.

"Give me a cheese-and-onion toastie, then," says the rabbit.

He eats his cheese-and-onion toastie, finishes his beer and leaves. And that's the last anyone ever sees of him.

One night about a year later, the barman is cleaning up and closing up the empty bar, where business
has fallen off badly since the days of the rabbit and his beer and toasties. He sees a small white furry
form floating above the bar.

The barman immediately recognises the famous rabbit. "Y-you-you're the rabbit ...," he stammers.

"Well," the rabbit interrupts him, "I'm the ghost of the rabbit".

"What happened?", asks the barman. "You used to come in every night and have a pint of beer and a
ham-and-cheese toastie. People came from miles around to see you. Business was booming. Then one night, you
had your usual ham-and-cheese toastie and then a cheese-and-onion toastie, because we ran out of ham.
Then you left and we never saw you again. What happened?"

"I DIED, obviously," says the rabbit. "I told you - I'm a ghost".

"What did you die from?" asks the barman.

"I was a rabbit," says the rabbit. "I should have known better. I never should have chanced it. I tempted fate
and I paid the price."

"What?" says the barman. "What happened? What did you die from?"

"Mixin' me toasties."

[ONeill]

WTF