Corny One for Friday

[muppet]

Apple has announced today that it has developed a breast implant that can store and play music. The iTit was cost $499 to $699 depending on cup size and speaker size. This is considered a major social breakthrough, because women are always complaining about men staring at their breast and not listening to them.

[Hardy]

A programmer and an engineer are sitting next to each other on a plane. The programmer leans over to the engineer and asks if he wants to play a game to pass the time. The engineer just wants to sleep so he politely declines, turns away and tries to sleep.

The programmer says, "It's a real easy game. I ask a question and if you don't know the answer you pay me €5. Then you ask a question and if I don't know the answer I'll pay you €5." Again the engineer politely declines and tries to sleep.

The programmer, being both a persistent and annoying  type, says, "O.K. If you don't know the answer you pay me €5 and if I don't know the answer I pay you €50, but I'm allowed to Google!"

The engineer thinks for a few seconds, then agrees.

The programmer asks the first question, "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" The engineer doesn't say a word and just hands the programmer €5.

Now, it's the engineer's turn. He asks the programmer, "What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down on four?" The programmer looks at him with a puzzled look, takes out his tablet and starts googling.

After five minutes, he's found nothing. "How long do I have?" he asks the engineer. "Take your time," says the engineer and he turns around and goes to sleep. 

After about an hour, the programmer wakes the engineer, hands him a €50 note with a scowl and asks, "Well what's the answer?" Without a word, the engineer reaches into his wallet, hands €5 to the programmer, turns away and goes back to sleep.

[Billys Boots]

Are programmers the new village idiots?

[Hardy]

New?

[Billys Boots]

I meant as opposed to AutoCAD technicians. 

[ziggysego]

I don't get it.

[johnneycool]

I don't get it.

Do much programming?

[ziggysego]

I don't get it.

Do much programming?

Used to, why?

[Hardy]

I meant as opposed to AutoCAD technicians. 

AutoCAD technicians are about the only people who can count that don't call themselves engineers. I see Irish water have engineers installing removing water meters in Togher, according to the press.

Anyway, look, we get to be heroes in our own jokes, OK?

[ardal]

Didn't realise Ziggy was a programmer

[muppet]

Didn't realise Ziggy was a programmer

It helps with the Modding.

[Orior]

What do Dublin women use for protection during sex?









A bus shelter.

[Orior]

Jack was about to marry Mary and his father took him to one side.

"When I married your mother, the first thing I did when we got home was take off my trousers" he said "I gave them to your mother and told her to put them on. When she did, they were enormous on her and she said to me that she couldn't possibly wear them, as they were too large... "

I told her "of course they're too big. I wear the trousers in this family and I always will."

Ever since that day, we have never had a single problem.

Jack took his father's advice and as soon as he got Mary alone after the wedding, he did the same thing; took off his trousers, gave them to Mary and told her to put them on. Mary said that the trousers were far too big and she couldn't possibly wear them.

"Exactly" replied Jack. "I wear the trousers in this relationship and I always will. I don't want you to forget that."

Mary paused for a while and then removed her knickers and gave them to Jack. "Try these on," she said, so he tried them on but they were too small.

"I can't possibly get into your knickers" said Jack.

"Exactly" replied Mary. "And if you don't change your bloody attitude, you never will"

[Denn Forever]

This is good.

http://www.tickld.com/x/i-wish-this-man-was-my-father-hes-hilarious

[Hardy]

This is good.

http://www.tickld.com/x/i-wish-this-man-was-my-father-hes-hilarious

Excellent. Why is this hilarious guy operating in relative obscurity while the unfunny likes of Ricky f**king Gervais pollute our TV screens?